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That's How Obama Rolls

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 18:17:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Do you heart Obama as much as you heart sushi?

Beware Of Blowfish Balls

Ina Maier — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 14:50:00 GMT

No, seriously. Beware. This photo might look purdy appetizing but that's one poisonous blowfish flower up there -- as 7 unlucky diners found out on Monday night.

According to MSNBC:

Blowfish testicles prepared by an unauthorized chef sickened seven diners in northern Japan and three remained hospitalized Tuesday after eating the poisonous delicacy.

Iwase said the seven men ordered sashimi and grilled blowfish testicles at the restaurant Monday night.

Shortly after, they developed limb paralysis and breathing trouble and started to lose consciousness — typical signs of blowfish poisoning — and were rushed to a hospital for treatment, Iwase said.

Look, we're all for adventurous eating -- who are we to begrudge anyone their blowfish? But we have a couple points to make.

First: Has no one seen the Simpsons epidsode, "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"? There's a map to the hospital on the back of the menu for a reason. That shit is dangerous! And confusing.

Fugu Instruction Manual

No wonder it takes several years and a fancy knife for an accredited Fugu chef to get their license. Which brings us to our second point: What these diners were thinking ordering the fish of death from a faux fugu master?

Because according to MSNBC, "The owner of the restaurant in Tsuruoka city, who is also the chef, had no license to serve blowfish and was being questioned on suspicion of professional negligence, police official Yoshihito Iwase said."

Word to the wise (and according to Gadling.com): look for the chef's official fugu license. It should look something like this:

And thirdly: Blowfish balls? Really? The terrifically toxic flesh of the rest of the fish isn't badass enough for you? You had to go with the balls? That's not even taking into account that the fugu fish is tiny; the balls must be absolutely inconsequential! (Insert joke about small things / good packages; blowfish; blowjobs; puffer fish; etc, et al here.) Pick your battles, people.

Anyway, the real point is: this post is too long already. Practice safe sushi eating.

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While You Were Sleeping: Paris Hilton Is Not A Slut

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 14:06:00 GMT

Doctors have figured out how to prevent a large number of miscarriages.

Mickey Rourke and Sam Rockwell are in talks to play villains in Iron Man 2.

If Jeremy Piven turns out to have lied about his mercury poisoning, he could be in deep sheeeeiittt:

According to the New York Post, many involved with the production are pushing to have Piven's high mercury claims examined by a non-musclebound, non-teevee doctor, and they're hoping the result may "squeeze some money out of him."

[U]nder the Actors' Equity contract, the producers are entitled to have Piven's medical records examined by another doctor. If they suspect fraud, they can sue him. [Defamer]

Scarlett Johansson wants to open a brothel... in a movie.

Paris Hilton claims she's only slept with a few guys. In other news, "a few" is now "less than eight hundred."

Isn't there anyone besides Nicole Richie who could star in the Gossip Girl season finale?

Guy Ritchie's heist movies have such brilliant robbery ideas, these dudes decided to plagiarize one.

And Oklahoma introduced legislation to prohibit the teaching of evolution in schools. You'll know America has emerged from the dark ages when laws start getting passed that prevent anything besides evolution from being taught as possible fact.

And Ione Skye (star of Say Anything and River's Edge) and Ben Lee (ex-boyfriend of Claire Danes) married in India.

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What's It Like Having Strangers Eat Off Your Naked Body?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 19:10:00 GMT

Melanie Berliet, a former Wall Street stock trader, wrote a piece for this month's Vanity Fair about her one-off role as a naked sushi model.

Strangely, she doesn't worry about rank fish, groping hands, or ending up in some bizarre Requiem For A Dream party scene outtake; rather, her worry has to do with a part of her body most men never notice. (Hint: ladies, men don't care about your shoes.)

From Melanie's own mouth, following her experience on the New York naked sushi circuit:

I glanced at my feet and saw that I needed a pedicure. Badly. People were about to be eating off me and I hadn’t done them the courtesy of getting my toes done.

With a series of frenzied hand motions, she directed me to strip, tape the shells to my nipples, then secure the thong to my sides and butt. There was no time to be bashful, and I quickly grasped that my body was not my own for the next few hours. It was a commodity I’d loaned to Koko. I wondered if this was how strippers feel. Detached. Robotic. At work.

Yep. That's pretty much how strippers feel... except you forgot the occasional bonus feeling: "sticky."

The next moments proved to be intensely erotic, oddly enough, as Koko flittted daintily around the table, decorating me with scarves, bright pink flowers, and the fans that would serve as trays for the sushi, sashimi, and shumai. Never before had I felt like a piece of art.
As the men got drunker, their timidity vanished. Chopsticks flashed above me as they navigated the buffet, taking their dinner from my curves and crevices. Through it all, Koko sped gracefully in and out of the room to replace the small trays of fish.

For an hour and a half I laid there, while the men surrounding me drank and ate and stared, and sometimes poked at my bare body.

90 minutes? To eat sushi? Man, these guys are really lame... at least they gave her $150 in tips so, as she puts it, she can get the extra therapy she will most certainly need...

Read her full story here. Image and story via Vanity Fair.

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I'll Have the Sea Urchin Bukkake, Please

Emily Farris — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 17:14:00 GMT

So what exactly is sea urchin bukkakae? And where can you get some?

Unfortunately, or fortunately, it's not what you think. Apparently bukkake is a kind of cold udon. If you'd like to try it, head on over to Matsugen in New York.

Or, you can make it yourself:

Has anyone ever had bukkake?

Now, we don't know much about bukkake — the sea urchin kind, anyway — but one food writer we recently interviewed does think part of the sea urchin is the sexiet food. Click the picture to read Dating Advice (formerly known as Sex Advice) from Food Writers.

[Eater: Menus Gone Wild: Matsugen's Sea Urchin Bukkake]

The Condom: Just One Of The 10 Weirdest Restaurants

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 19:24:00 GMT

Have you had lunch yet?

The above photo is courtesy of Wacky Archives, which today ran down the Top 10 Weirdest Restaurants in the world. Cabbages and Condoms, a joint in Thailand, of course, is probably not going to be expanding into the US territories any time soon.

Apparently, contraceptive awareness is one of the main issues at the restaurant. Everything is condom themes: condom-clad mannequins, a collection of condoms from around the world, and various posters advocating family planning. Bon appetite? I already lost mine! [Wacky Archives]

The others are arguably even more stomach-churning:

And, merely for the sake of Nerve and our insatiable thirst to feature a half-naked woman in every post:

The restaurant where you can have a boxing match with the staff over your meal and the restaurant that requires night vision goggles to see your way around in, plus many more oddities, here.

Sloppy Seconds: What? You Didn't Know Barack Obama and Brad Pitt Were Cousins?

Emily Farris — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 21:41:00 GMT

Why pay thousands of dollars for a naked picture of French First Lady Carla Bruni when you can see it on The Internets for free?

Actress Kate Beckinsale would rather eat vagina than sushi. "At least a vagina would be warm."

Chelsea Clinton wants you to know that Monica Lewinsky is none of your business! So stop asking questions about it.

Also none of your business? The ending of the upcoming "Sex and the City" movie, at least until it hits theaters in the US, according to its star Sarah Jessica Parker.

Do you have a workplace bully? Or are you one? Workplace bullying might be worse than sexual harassment!

Someone with far too much time on his or her hands traced the Democratic candidates' ancestry and has decided that Barack Obama is related to Brad Pitt, The George Bushes, Gerald R. Ford, Lyndon B. Johnson, Harry S. Truman, and James Madison. And if Obama is related to Pitt, then Hillary Clinton has to be related to Angelina Jolie, Celine Dion, Alanis Morissette, Jack Kerouac and Camilla Parker-Bowles. Um, yeah.