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Top 5 Things McCain Should Do Now

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 18:00:00 GMT

John McCain, who will be President from 2009-2009, is running an insurgent campaign against the forces of Barack Hussein Obama, scion of the Royal Husseins of 9/11-loving Iraq. The man was "Rescue Dawn" before Herzog stole his life story. Hell, he was Chuck Norris before "Missing in Action," punk.

And that's why John McCain will destroy Barack with a IED strike on his anti-American church compound... or, at least, use this five tried and true Republican tactics to misinform the public and seize the election from the Democrats...

5. The Iraq War continues to fade from public view. It's already happening, thanks to a slew of positive news for the first time in our five year hostile takeover.

4. Cindy McCain is given her meds and locked in a dungeon in one of her 38 mansions, while Johnny and crew are out calling pauper Barack an "elitist trillionaire."

3. Play the race card against Obama. In fact, McCain is already taking the Bill Clinton-in-South-Carolina style of campaigning to heart.

2. Swift Boat the shit out of the Democrat. 2004 proved the media and the public are willing to let a group of Republican hacks and phonies run a decorated Veteran, whose story was backed by witnesses who were actually there, straight into the political ground. You don't think they're going to get away with it this time, with a guy whose patriotism, experience, and expertise has already been under heavy fire?

1. Pick Charlie Crist or any other swing state Governor to join the ticket. (Bonus points if the Obama picks a Democrat with high national negatives who will likely GOTV for the Republican base, such as... well, you know who.)

DISCLAIMER: Before anyone gets all uppity about this, especially #3, remember that we don't actually want McCain to do any of these things, but just that he will if he's going to win...

Previously: Top 5 Things Obama Should Do Now.

Will Al Gore Save America?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 13:30:00 GMT

It hasn't been confirmed by any news outlets we trust, but over the weekend, the Scotsman broke a story that could, if true, mean the end of the Democratic primary...

"They're in discussions," a source close to Carter told Scotland on Sunday. "Carter has been talking to Gore. They will act, possibly together, or in sequence."

If Al Gore and Jimmy Carter were to hold a press conference and endorse either candidate simultaneously (the barely credible Scotsman story specifies Obama as the choice of both men), it would immediately end the primary process and rally superdelegates and undecideds, unify the party, and redirect the attention toward November and the matchup with McCain.)

Look for this story to die or become a shocking reality, basically over the next 24 hours.

For more, read the full (and thin) piece.

PS The above video, taken of Hillary Clinton responding to Obama's relentless verbal assault on thinking voters everywhere, is a bit manipulative, but does show why Hillary Clinton is a better campaigner than Barack Obama-- she knows how to attack and regain the upperhand in anything. Will Barack learn in time to battle the Swift Boaters, the GOP think tanks, and right-wing radio?

If he can stay on the offensive, or turn a guffaw into an advantage, he may be able to pull this thing off after all. For example, within hours of Obama's speech featuring an offhand remark about "bitter" Americans tired of blah blah blah, a supporter leapt to his defense, launching Bitter Voters For Obama.

Bitter, and proud of it. Clinton says we're 'resilient,' but we can't take it any more.

This and dozens of comments at bittervoters.org.

Video of the Day: Making Karl Rove Look Sympathetic

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 16:30:00 GMT

We never imagined anyone could make us feel bad for Karl Rove.

This student journalist, the host of one of those boring chat shows you can only get on your dorm's TV channel, corners Turd Blossom and tries to get him to, we guess, break down in tears and admit that, yes, he was the one who Swift Boated John Kerry, that Dick Cheney is indeed Satan's spawn, and exactly what the fuck a "Turd Blossom" is.

Of course, he fails. And Karl Rove escapes not only unscathed, but looking like a class act. Which we all know he's not. (Riiigghhht?)

Hillary Clinton vs. [Bleep]

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 16:21:00 GMT

Poor Hillary Clinton. First, drinking coffee with friends leads to a nervous breakdown on national television. Then, she is humiliated further yesterday when her husband, the President of the United States, is challenged to a dance-off with Senator Obama on Dancing with the Stars.

But none of that compares to the news today that a new and potentially powerful grassroots organization has taken up arms against her, and they are about to do so in the most offensive way possible.

Roger Stone, a Republican operative and famed Nixon dirty trickster, infamous for once bribing a New York politician to throw the state's Presidential votes to Ronald Reagan in 1980, has started a new political group that will be much more controversial than John Kerry's nemeses the Swift Boat Vets. The group? Citizens United Not Timid. (Hint: the problem isn't the words...)

They'll be selling the summer's hottest t-shirts this year.

UPDATE: Here's a link to the official Citizens United page.

[Photo: Paul J. Richards, AFP/Getty Images]