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While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen Sends Topless Pic To Wrong Guy

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Marcia Cross' husband is being treated for cancer.

Tens of millions of credit/debit card numbers were compromised in a major security breach. The biggest problem-- we don't know which numbers were affected.

Amy Winehouse's father says she was near death on two occasions. Only two? We're guessing that's counting "continuously for 14 months" as one of the occasions...

Is this the kissing capital of the world? No, but the legend's pretty good.

This is the scariest police officer ever. And that includes the guy who attacked the Times Up cyclist.

We've all worried about calling the wrong "Steve" or "Jessica" in our phones, but now Lily Allen's got us freaked out about picture messaging our phone photos to the wrong person.

A 107-year-old African-American woman who knew MLK when he was a kid was beyond thrilled by Obama's inauguration.

And Ted Kennedy, who collapsed during the inaugural luncheon, having suffered a seizure, appears to be improving and is expected to leave .

Related:

Yes, Ma'am(aries)! Royal Army Corproal Busted For Moonlighting As Expensive Hooker

Boy Wages Internet Campaign To Stop Cussing, With Predictably Hilarious Results

C-Love in HEEB's Wasted Issue

This Week in Gayness: Sean Penn and Mickey Rourke Get Personal

Sloppy Seconds: America, F*ck Yeah!

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 23:33:00 GMT

~~Scanner~~ Salon Sarah checks out all of the Obama paraphernalia, including Scanner's favorite: the Head O State commemorative dildo. And, you know, other stuff. [Salon]

Pete Wentz took his American penis to the Inauguration, left his wife and son at home. [Us]

Kelly Osbourne (NOT an American!) was arrested for assault after allegedly slapping a journalist. [People]

The economy turns you into a "needy, horny, stay-at-home basketcase." Good or bad? [The Daily Beast]

If we prayed, our prayers would be with Ted Kennedy after he collapsed at Barack Obama's luncheon today. [CNN]

SNL's Fred Armisen was seen "candoodling" with Mad Men's ~~Peggy Olson~~ Elizabeth Moss. What a cute American couple. [Vulture]

Former First Daughters Jenna and Barbara Bush wrote an open letter to incoming First Daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, telling them what to expect at the White House, what to seek out and what to avoid. [Jezebel]

Famous People We're Afraid Will Die in 2009

Colleen Kane — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 14:40:00 GMT

No one could have called Heath Ledger's untimely demise in 2008, but there are some olds who just take on that look of imminent death, as if their essence is draining away. It won't be long once someone takes on the death look, and no one seems to ever shake it off. Paul Newman had it this year. (RIP, Best Guy to Die in 2008.) The ones with the death look are dancing a tango with the Grim Reaper as we speak. Another dead giveaway is if you are reminded about an older celebrity and can't remember if they're dead or not.

The ones in grave danger, a few wild cards, and an example of the death look, after the jump.

Old Hollywood: Mickey Rooney -- He is going to be 89 if he makes it to his birthday in September. Unfortch, he has two factors working against him: the death look, and I couldn't remember if he was still alive or not until looking him up. Runners-up: Elizabeth Taylor, Peter O'Toole, Kirk Douglas

Comics: Don Rickels -- He's got the death look, big time.

If he makes it through 2009, I'll eat my hat. Runners-up: Jerry Lewis, Bea Arthur (too much of a loss to celebrity roasts to contemplate), Phyllis Diller, Carol Burnett

Too Soon: Amy Winehouse -- It wouldn't be surprising if she woke up dead after some party night. I hope not, but it wouldn't be surprising. Runners-up: Swayze -- He's never looked so gaunt; there may be some truth to the rumors that his cancer is getting the best of him.

Classic Country: Merle Haggard -- He's got the cancer. Lung cancer. Runners-up: Loretta Lynn and Willie Nelson, not because they appear to be on death's door, but because that would be just my luck if they died before I got to see them perform live. (I will forever regret missing out on Johnny Cash.)

Rock and Soul: Fats Domino -- Death look. And I didn't realize he was still alive until he got airlifted out of the Ninth Ward during Katrina. Runners-up: Etta James -- I forgot she was still alive until Beyonce's recent portrayal.

Leaders: Ted Kennedy. Runners-up: Jimmy Carter, Fidel Castro, if he's still alive and not propped up for photo ops a la Weekend at Bernie's, Kim Jong-Il, if he's not already dead with an imposter or several in his place as many news reports have speculated. We have another slight possibility in mind that would also be filed under Too Soon and would involve an assasination, but it's too unthinkable to even write.

Sports: I hate sports, so who the F knowss

How Are They Still Alive: Abe Vigoda

Did I miss anyone obvious?

Related:

Wino Goes Topless and We Say No No No

Spoon Or Spork: Amy Winehouse

Amy Winehouse: A F*cking Disastah

Image: Rickels with fellow "comedian" John Mayer, johnmayer.com/blog

DNC Kicks Off Tonight With Ghosts Of Party Past

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 20:00:00 GMT

Headlining tonight? Michelle Obama...

Really lined up to steal the show? The Re-Animated Figure And Imitated Voice Of Ted Kennedy...

According to CNBC, this is tonight's lineup:

5:00PM EDT

Rules, Credentials and Platform to be finished by 7PM EDT

7:00PM EDT
Biographical Messages on Senator Barack Obama

8:00PM EDT
Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Journey for Change)
President Jimmy Carter
Senator Claire McCaskill
Mayor John Hickenlooper, Denver
Maya Soetoro-Ng Mya (Obama’s sister)

9:00 PM EDT
Senator Ted Kennedy Tribute - Video
Caroline Kennedy

10:00PM EDT
Republican for Obama
Craig Robinson introduces his sister Michelle Obama
Obama remote live into Convention

What do you think? Will all this help Obama at all? Emphasizing Nancy Pelosi and the Ultra-Liberal Stalwart Kennedy's?

More here.

Sloppy Seconds: Is Paris Preggers?

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 21:49:00 GMT

A new abstinence magazine for teenagers. Awesome! We hope it's full of really useful articles like how to get the most pleasure out of your lollipop. [HLA via Jezebel]

Billy Ray Cyrus apparently thinks Annie Leibovitz—who famously shot the infamous photos of a half-naked Miley Cyrus—"is a paparazzi." [MollyGood]

Alanis Morissette wishes her ex-fiance, Ryan Reynolds, well with his new fiance, Scarlett Johansson, but probably still wonders if she'll go down on him in a theater. [People]

Robert Downey Jr. credits Burger King with his sobriety. "I have to thank Burger King. It was such a disgusting burger I ordered. I had that, and this big soda, and I thought something really bad was going to happen." And then what? [GabbyBabble]

Senator Ted Kennedy is resting at home after surgery to treat a brain tumor. [Us]

Supermodel/mean person Naomi Campbell says she wants a baby. [FameCrawler]

But is that worse than the fact that Paris Hilton might be pregnant? Oh please, God, no. [FameCrawler]

Image via famecrawler.com

Perverted Massachusetts Democrat Must Worship JFK

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 14:35:00 GMT

Marilyn Monroe serenading President Kennedy with a birthday song.

A rogue Massachusetts representative is refusing, despite repeated controversy, to resign his seat and has gone on a wild tear through the mean streets of Brookline. The men with the butterfly nets finally caught State Sen. Jim Marzilli this weekend, and sent him to McLean Hospital, where kooks like Sylvia Plath, James Taylor (who it was rumored wrote "Fire And Rain" here), and "A Beautiful Mind's" John Nash all stayed. His checkered past follows him nevertheless and even Teddy Kennedy is said to have cringed at these allegations...

Marzilli was arrested this week in Lowell on charges that include assault and lewd and lascivious conduct. Police said that in once incident the senator grabbed a woman by the crotch and then fled, with police following him on foot through the city.

Police said that at least five women have come forward with complaints, including one who said he followed her making obscene comments. Marzilli was released on $1,500 bail.

$1,500?! That's all? Damn... guess the Democrats still do have a stranglehold among the elitists and homeless people running rampant in the streets. (You know we're kidding, right? Okay, then.)

[The legislator] says he will not run for re-election but will not resign either. [UPI]

With all his money, why doesn't this limousine liberal buy the state constitution and change his job description to say "legislator fo' life"? In any case, we'll fill you in on the details of this emerging scandal...

Sloppy Seconds: Who Says Homosexuality and Polygamy Are The Same Thing?

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 May 2008 22:01:00 GMT

We'll never think of Folsom Prison the same way again. [Fleshbot]

Ultra-Orthodox residents of Jerusalem have demanded a "Sex and the City" movie billboard be taken down because it contains the word "sex." Hm, "And the City," kind-of sounds like our life lately. [Defamer]

Buffy the Vampire Slayer has officially become college curriculum. Maybe it's finally time for us to start watching. [elPasoTimes]

Ted Kennedy's recent seizure was apparently caused by a brain tumor. So sad. [NYT]

Chocolate-covered bacon? We'll take 17, please. [Slog]

Giant carnivorous mice make us think of those scary rats from The Princess Bride, except scarier, because they're real. [Guardian]

Yeah, Ellen Degeneres should not get married because homosexuality is just like polygamy, according to a crazy woman who is "concerned for women" and, apparently, marriage. [Queerty]