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Sloppy Seconds: The Summer Days of Our Slutty Lives

Emily Farris — Fri, 08 May 2009 23:09:00 GMT

Sandra Bullock is "not sure" she wants kids. Apparently this warrants a news story. [Us]

We blame South Park for making us laugh every time we see the word "probe" no matter the context. Today's laughable headline: "Police, 50 Cent see house fire probe differently." Sort-of sounds like something that could be cleared up with a little Preparation H, right? [Yahoo!]

As long as we can remember Emily has been one of the top 10 baby names for girls. This year, we're at number three. And we're pretty sure we've dated at least one of each from the baby boy section. [SSA.gov]

Sorry for the late notice on Free Chocolate Day. [The Inquisitr]

Firtexting: apparently more than just a thing to do when you want some booty. A site? A book? A worldview? [BuzzFeed]

Apparently all of those soap operas we watched with the summer between first and second grade (and second and third and third and fourth and fourth and fifth... well, you get the picture) turned us slutty. [KIDK]

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Sloppy Seconds: The Hipster Grifter Speaks (And She Wants Money)

Emily Farris — Fri, 01 May 2009 23:16:00 GMT

We've heard all about Obama's first 100 days, but what about Hillary Clinton's? Turns out she hasn't had time to read a single book or even see a movie. [NYT]

Watch William Shatner watch the trailer for the Star Trek movie he's not in. [Vulture]

Miley Cyrus would like you to know she's totally not having sex with her 20-year-old boyfriend, telling the Daily Mail, “I want to keep my virginity until I marry. I was brought up in a Christian family.” Yeah, Miley, so were were. [FadedYouth]

Heroes star and Scanner Brian crush Hayden Panettiere is the latest young star to audition for the Footloose remake. [Us]

Kari Farrell, that f-ing nude, f-ing hipster grifter finally showed her face long enough to let the world know that Vice still owes her $200. [Gawker]

Meet the Hipster Grifter from ANIMALmagazine on Vimeo.

Look at This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

Look at This F-ing Email From This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

I Hate Myself for Loving You: Hayden Paniettiere

Lessons In Life From Viral Videos Involving Baby Squirrels

Ina Maier — Fri, 01 May 2009 18:45:00 GMT

It's Friday and Fridays usually put us in really bad moods, because it's almost the weekend but it's not quite yet the weekend and because of everything you procrastinated doing in the days leading up to today there is now a seemingly interminable workload and therefore a seemingly interminable amount of time before the weekend - the glorious, glorious weekend! - begins.

And that's why God invented videos about baby squirrels trying to get over a wall. Because they're meaningful. They're meaningful, and beautiful, and most importantly, they're allegorical because -- get it? -- we're all baby squirrels and Friday afternoons are our big ginormous walls and won't some kind UCLA students come help us go home?

[via]

Nothing Says "I Love You" Like Murdering Animals With the Nuge

Weird Animal News Of The Day: Pug Stuck In Toilet

Sloppy Seconds: Parker Posey's New Man

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 21:28:00 GMT

Did you catch Tracy Morgan shirtless in real life on 30 Rock last night? [Defamer]

Britan's Got Talent singing phenomenon Susan Boyle got a little makeover. [Yahoo!]

One thing we would not like to find on our doorstep? A flaming bag of poo. Another thing we would not like to find on our doorstep? A live shark. [CBS13]

A sequel to Clueless!? Count us in! Well, as long as his you know what isn't crooked. [BuzzSugar]

We hate to admit we're also pretty excited about the prospect of Chace Crawford taking on Kevin Bacon's role in the remake of Footloose. [Us]

If Parker Posey was dating Keanu Reaves, that seems to be over, because now she's being spotted around town with graphic designer and sculptor Scott Lenhardt. We endorse this because 1) Keanu Reeves doesn't seem so smart and 2) artist boys are totally hot. [DailyIntel]

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From Scanner HQ

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 15:41:00 GMT

Just a few friendly reminders from the Scanner business office:

1. Yesterday Colleen and I (Scanner Emily) were named among the Sexy Twitterati. Are you following us yet? @scanneremily and @colleenkane.

2. Will you be Nerve's friend—er fan—on Facebook! Pretty please? With a cherry on top? Just think how cool you'll look to all your other friends.

3. I'm still in the lead to win $200 for my dog-humping-leg missed connection, but to lock it in I could really, really use your 10 stars. It's just two clicks (one to get there and one to vote) and you have no idea how much $200 is to a blogger (like $2,000 to a normal person with a real job).

4. And just in case you've forgotten, you can now reach Scanner directly by typing dailyscanner.com into your address bar.

That is all. Happy Friday.

Scanner Highs and Lows: That Was Then and This is Now

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 15:37:00 GMT

But now that we've had some distance, we can finally look back on what you may have missed while you were busy jerking off to old pictures of Cloris Leachman.

Highs:

We learned that Roseanne was a Riot Grrrl (sort-of) and wished we would have been cool enough to appreciate it back then.

We celebrated National Cleavage Day by looking back at some of our favorite boob stories.

We brought back our old friend Marry, Fuck or Kill. This time it was a sexy doctor edition.

Iowa—IOWA!—legalized gay marriage.

And this gay bishop made us almost appreciate religion again. Almost.

Scanner Brian gave into the goodness of TV. Sort of. (Boner!)

Scanner Colleen told those mother fuckers what's up. Sort of.

And we told those dumb ass publicists what's up.

And we called out some other assholes, just for the hell of it.

We decided we want to be just like Cloris Leachman when we grow up (except we'll eat meat).

On the way to being like Cloris maybe we'll make a little stop in Isabella Rossellini land.

Lows:

We begged for your help. More than once. (P.S. We are still begging for your help.)

We watched a very strange commercial, indeed. One that perpetuated the myth that Asians have very little pubic hair.

We figured out what we want for Christmas.

We felt a little bad for Marisa Tomei.

Scanner Ina tried out Omegle. We did not learn from her mistake.

Scanner Brian made our vaginas hurt. No, not like that, you perverts!

We felt really old when we were reminded it's been 15 years since Kurt Cobain died.

We refused to participate in April Fool's Day. Apparently we were the only ones.

We wondered why Girl Scout Cookies are so damn inaccessible!

And this was probably our favorite story of the week. Sham! Wow!

Related:

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Almost Found Jesus

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week That Happened Before This One That We Know is Now Over

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Say Goodbye to the Crazy Cat Lady

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Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse is "Back in the Saddle"

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 22:34:00 GMT

That girl from Twilight will play Joan Jett in a still unnamed film about The Runaways. [AfterEllen]

The saddest thing we've seen all day: 11 extinct animals that have been photographed alive. [EcoWorldly]

The most depressing thing we've seen all day: the unfolding story of the hostage situation in Binghamton, NY. [CNN]

We (read: Scanner Emily) still need your 10 stars. Real bad. Because we need $200. Real bad. Pretty please? [MissedTees]

We (read: Scanner Collen) still need you to vote for our dream photography assignment. Because we also need $50,000. Real bad. Pretty please? [Name Your Dream Assignment]

Now all three of your Scanners are on Twitter, even though only one of us stays true to the Scanner name. [Scanner Emily, Scanner Colleen, Scanner Brian]

Remember yesterday when Madonna threw a party to celebrate an adoption that hadn't yet been approved? Um, yeah. Maybe not the best idea she ever had. [Us]

Apparently there was a fractured penis scene in last night's ER finale. Was it a swipe at Grey's Anatomy? [The Remote Island]

On April 11 Alternative Nation Countdown Takeover, a show on Sirius radio, will premiere new solo material from Rivers Cuomo that features Jason Schwartzman Rainn Wilson. Weird. Cool. [Rolling Stone]

According to a post on her MySpace blog this morning (obviously not written by her) Amy Winehouse is hard at work on her third album. We'll believe it when we hear it. Either way, we thought you'd enjoy seeing this picture again. [MySpace]

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's New Single Life

"My dog humped your leg. I wanted to."

Support a Scanner or Two

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Sloppy Seconds: Rihanna's New Tattoo

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 23:11:00 GMT

Say it ain't so: celebrities with ghost Twitterers? 50 Cent has one. So does Ron Paul and Barack Obama (we figured as much for Mr. President). [NYT]

But now that we think of it, Courtney Love might benefit from a ghost Twitterer. [Vulture]

Here's a condom commercial that's not even safe for YouTube, apparently. [Lifestyles]

Rihanna got a sort-of awesome gun tattoo in a sort-of awesome place. [People]

We are much less enthused about this pop-art rendering of the infamous Rihanna police photo. [Yahoo!]

Willie Aames, of "Charles in Charge" is around the corner from Scanner HQ selling, well, pretty much everything he owns after his recent home foreclosure.[Plog]

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Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Say Goodbye to the Crazy Cat Lady

Emily Farris — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 00:01:00 GMT

We can hardly believe it either (and don't worry: our precious pussy is still alive and well).

Highs:

We can only hope to age as well as these women.

And that we'll be as ballsy as this one when we hit that age.

We saw Keith Richards whip it out. Sort of.

We had way too much fun with Wikipedia audio.

And with Google image search.

We found out newest volunteer project.

This guy (or gal) Twat the best.

We learned that human breast milk tastes just like or better than cow milk when put in delicious cupcakes.

This was after we discussed whether or not one should suckle it.

And quite possibly the most important high of all: we are no longer on the road to becoming a crazy cat lady.

Lows:

Our vaginas cringed.

We learned even more about why we're so bad at dating.

Tonya Harding came back into our lives. (But did she ever really leave?)

Apparently not too many of us are having regular sex.

And if we keep reading shit like this, we'll never want to have sex again.

Especially if online porn is dying.

Since when was "bobbit" a verb?

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Sloppy Seconds: What We Gave Up for Lent

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 23:33:00 GMT

I may have moved to the worst city—ever!—for dating, but at least it's the manliest based on "the number of U.S.-made cars driven in the city, number of sports bars and BBQ restaurants, number of home improvement and hardware stores as well as manly salty snacks consumption." [FatCity]

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer is one step closer to switching to an online-only publication. [Yahoo!]

Michelle Obama will be the first person other than Oprah herself to ever appear on the cover of O Magazine. [Us]

What's this about a giant blue wiener in "The Watchmen?" Now we're totally seeing it. [Rolling Stone]

Gossip Girl's Matthew Settle (Rufus) is a daddy. [People]

Believe it or not kids, Scanner Emily here, an athiest, gave up sex (or anything beyond kissing, hugging and a back rub if I can get it) for Lent. Some people are giving up texting. Both would probably be good for interpersonal relationships. What are you giving up, if anything? [Tech-Ex]

Scanner Highs and Lows: We've Never Been So Glad It's Friday

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 22:30:00 GMT

We're closing down shop a little early today because we've reached that point in the week when we can no longer put words together. Well, we reached it a few hours ago and realized, 'hey, we have a job that allows us to drink while we work,' so that helped us put these words together. A little. Also, this picture is the first thing that's made us laugh all day, so shut up.

Highs:

We made a promise that we will keep if you can provide the right conditions.

This made us laugh. Out loud.

So did this guy.

We learned that dating is not dead.

We considered moving to California.

While Scanner Brian considered moving to Maine.

And Scanner Colleen decided she won't be moving to Jamaica any time soon.

And he asked who should pay on a first date.

We found out there was a nip slip at the Oscars after all (and we have the one picture to prove it).

You were as confused and strangely pleased by this video as we were.

We discussed Lindsay Lohan's breasts.

Lows:

Scanner Brian made us realize, yet again, how lucky we are not to have a penis of our own to play with.

So did Scanner Colleen.

We (hopefully only temporarily) lost our boner for Seth Rogen.

We found out we have some serious competition.

Scanner Brian told us something we probably could have told us if he'd ever bothered to ask.

We were forced to think about Rush Limbaugh for the first time in a long time.

We misspelled the name of a prosthetic dog testicle company. Oops.

We learned that perhaps it's time to mess with Texas.

We developed a healthy fear of household appliances.

The Crazy Baby Lady got an offer to do porn.

Then a counter offer not to.

We wondered if we had a dating problem or a drinking problem. (We think we know the answer now, thanks).

And then we found the last thing in the world we need.

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Because it's Friday and it's Funny

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 17:19:00 GMT

Scanner Highs and Lows: Will The Real Fake Fakers Please Stand Up?

Emily Farris — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 00:33:00 GMT

You know it's a good week when real vampires get pissed off at fake vampires... or is it real fake vampires getting pissed at fake fake vampires?

Highs:

We found our new favorite man-boy band.

Our token Canadian helped us celebrate President's Day.

So did Scanner Colleen.

We laughed so hard at Sir Mix-a-Lot's Photoshop we almost peed our pants (okay, maybe we did a little).

We were validated, yet again, in our Crazy Cat Ladydom.

We also feel a lot better about that nervous breakdown we had at the Port Authority Bus Terminal.

We totally crushed on Playboy's newest play boy.

We looked at Kate Moss semi-naked and got a little jeal-jeal of her cute little tats.

We went shopping.

We discussed our girl parts, twice.

We fell in love with LOVE.

We need you to put a baby in us. Right now.

Lows:

Now we know how we do not want to die.

Looks like somebody's putting Johnny in a corner.

We found another beard we simply cannot endorse.

We recalled, for the umpteenth time, how we lost our virginity.

We learned that we are not unique.

Apparently, we cannot earn Weight Watchers activity points for sex.

We learned that fake fake vampires are pissing off real fake vampires.

We bid a fond farewell to Con-nan O'Briaaaaaahhhn.

And a bittersweet farewell to a crazy-ass chimp.

We don't want to be Obama's elf.

Barbie got even skinnier.

But this might be worse than all that.

Happy Friday the 13th, Fraidy Cats

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 14:44:00 GMT

Hey, it's Paraskavedekatriaphobia Day everybody! Did you watch out for black cats (isn't that terribly racist?), avoid crossing under ladders (as if there's even an opportunity for that in today's paranoid construction job), and, honestly, who opens umbrellas in the house anyway? Don't you wait until you step out of the doorway so the umbrella doesn't get caught inside?

Seriously, though, have you ever wondered why the number 13 is such a big deal and why a Friday the 13th means a damn thing besides "bad Halloween ripoff?"

Wikipedia, of course, provides the annotated and also impossible-to-skim answers. We'll summarize it for you below:

1) The fear of a Friday that falls on the 13 is a phobia. That really long word up there is the name of that phobia. We'll just call it The Fear for our purposes here.

2) Honestly, no one really knows why The Fear is The Fear. The first known reference to The Fear was made in an 1869 biography of some guy named Gioachino Rossini.

3) "One theory states that it is a modern amalgamation of two older superstitions: that thirteen is an unlucky number and that Friday is an unlucky day." That settles it for us, but you can read on.

4) Another interesting note: "According to the Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in Asheville, North Carolina, an estimated 17 to 21 million [crazy] people in the United States are affected by a fear of this day. Some people are so paralyzed by fear that they avoid their normal routines in doing business, taking flights or even getting out of bed. "It's been estimated that$800 or $900 million is lost in business on this day." Despite this, representatives for both Delta and Continental Airlines say that their airlines don't suffer from any noticeable drop in travel on those Fridays."

Via Wikipedia.

Related:

This Week in Gayness: Call In Gay Tomorrow

Single Ladies (Put a Used Ring on It)

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Bad Movies

Scanner Highs and Lows: All Aboard the Crazy Train

Emily Farris — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 00:26:00 GMT

We would like to thank the Crazy Baby Lady, Christian Bale, the cutter, Paula Deen and numerous others for making us feel a little more sane this week.

Highs:

We had the best workout ever, well, considering we haven't had sex in months.

When we finally do have sex, we'd like it to be with this bearded man.

Scanner Brian gave it to us.

Andy Dick made us feel better about that time we threw up in a cab.

And the Crazy Baby Lady made us feel better about being a crazy cat lady.

In fact, we're not all that crazy at all.

We found our new idol.

That is if we didn't already.

We defended Jennifer Aniston even though we're just not that into her.

We're not a big fan of the LOL. But this video made us LOL.

Speaking of videos, we think we found our calling.

Lows:

Our meager boobs hurt just looking at this.

We had to start thinking about Valentine's Day.

We're going to get wrinkled and go bald. Soon, apparently.

If we don't die of sex cancers first.

If we die of sex cancers, we'd like to be buried in this.

Christian Bale's roid rage came to a head.

The music died. Again.

We're pretty sad we missed the Smiths' Speed Dating, which was four doors down from our old apartment.

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Scanner : tgif

Sloppy Seconds: The Summer Days of Our Slutty Lives

Sloppy Seconds: The Hipster Grifter Speaks (And She Wants Money)

We F-ing Hate That There is F-ing Nude F-ing Hipster Grifter Sh*t We Can F-ing Get Behind

Look at This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

Look at This F-ing Email From This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

I Hate Myself for Loving You: Hayden Paniettiere

Lessons In Life From Viral Videos Involving Baby Squirrels

Cute & Cuter

Nothing Says "I Love You" Like Murdering Animals With the Nuge

Weird Animal News Of The Day: Pug Stuck In Toilet

Sloppy Seconds: Parker Posey's New Man

From Scanner HQ

Scanner Highs and Lows: That Was Then and This is Now

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Almost Found Jesus

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week That Happened Before This One That We Know is Now Over

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Say Goodbye to the Crazy Cat Lady

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse is "Back in the Saddle"

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's New Single Life

"My dog humped your leg. I wanted to."

Support a Scanner or Two

Sloppy Seconds: Rihanna's New Tattoo

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Say Goodbye to the Crazy Cat Lady

Sloppy Seconds: What We Gave Up for Lent

Scanner Highs and Lows: We've Never Been So Glad It's Friday

Because it's Friday and it's Funny

Scanner Highs and Lows: Will The Real Fake Fakers Please Stand Up?

Happy Friday the 13th, Fraidy Cats

This Week in Gayness: Call In Gay Tomorrow

Single Ladies (Put a Used Ring on It)

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Bad Movies

Scanner Highs and Lows: All Aboard the Crazy Train