Scanner : the Onion

Will Her Fetus Be Charged As An Accomplice?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 19:40:00 GMT

New studies today reveal that fewer people are having babies, thanks to the horrible economy. Those who can't afford (or are unaware of) birth control methods are finding that other people having children are too frightening to have anything to do with, and so sit at home, isolated from everyone.

If you think we're making that up, check out today's most bizarre news story: it involves a woman, a gun, money, and a fetus as an accessory to robbery...

This is the complete text of an Associated Press wire we just received:

FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. – Police are looking for a pregnant woman they say tried to rob a North Carolina bank at gunpoint but left empty-handed after answering her cell phone. Fayetteville police spokeswoman Teresa Chance said Wednesday the woman had a handgun and demanded money when she entered a Carter Bank & Trust branch at 9:43 a.m. Tuesday.

But she got distracted when her cell phone rang. Police said she began talking to the caller and left the bank without taking any money. No one was hurt.

Chance said investigators talked to a teller who heard the woman but aren't releasing details.

Police said the woman is in her late 20s to early 30s. She wore a dark, knee-length skirt and had a multicolored scarf or bandanna on her head. [AP]

What is the moral of the story? Pregnant women are crazy? Women are so crazy about blabbing on the phone they'll interrupt a bank robbery to take a call? Seriously, folks, don't arrange any playdates, knock anyone up, or go into a bank in North Carolina.

And all kidding aside, we have to wonder if the state of North Carolina, where many people believe fetuses are living humans, will charge the fetus/person as an accomplice in the attempted robbery. We wouldn't put it past them. After all, if it "can think for itself," as anti-abortionists believe, why didn't it stop this horrible crime?

Related:

Lisa Rinna Poses For Playboy At 45, Just For the Hell of It

How to Make A Baby

Sloppy Seconds: Elisha Cuthbert Survives Harrowing Hit-And-Run

Burlesque: the Movie

26-Year-Old Man With Body Of A Two-Year-Old... Inside Him (Not.)

Eugene Mirman Will Answer Your Sex Qs or Whatevs

Colleen Kane — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 21:10:00 GMT

Earlier this week, we reported that Bret and Jemaine of Flight of the Conchords would answer a few lucky ladies' questions about love and relationships and such, in an upcoming issue of BUST magazine. But now The Onion has announced that comedian Eugene Mirman (who plays Bret & Jemaine's landlord) is putting on his advice cap to answer reader questions about affairs of the heart and the privates.

Questions can be sent to mirman@theonion.com. His answers will run just in time for Valentine's Day, and not coincidentally, also just in time for the release of his book, The Will to Whatevs.

Who will be better at answering your most pressing questions about the Obamas fisting and whatnot, Mirman or his TV tenants, FOTC? You can always send your queries to both.

Related:

Ask a Conchord

Image: Chiefmag.com

The Onion Called It Seven Years Ago...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 19:56:00 GMT

First, they predicted the emergence of Joe the Plumber in a story published in the nineties. Then, they perfectly encapsulated the Bush Administration... just days into W's first term.

The story went on to "quote" Bush on his administration's support for nation building, something Bush the Candidate had said he was against.

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

In a high-profile story today that was picked up by CNN, MSNBC, and various other outlets, Joe Garden, an Onion editor and our pick to replace Conan O'Brien when Conan takes over the Tonight Show, had this to say:

Writers at the satirical paper still speak reverentially of the story, in which Bush promises to take the country into a deep recession, worsen the environment and "end the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton."
"Wow, was that prescient," marvels Joe Garden, the Onion's features editor.
"We get asked a lot if we secretly want Republicans to win since there's so much more material," [assistant editor Megan Ganz] says. "The thing is, we always say, we have to live in the country, too. And also, when stuff is really going bad, it's harder to make jokes." [CNN]

Check out the original story here.

Related:

The Nerve Nerds Know How to Party Pretty, Too

Video of the Day: Are the Olympics a Trap?

While You Were Sleeping: The Revenge of Harold And Kumar

We Call BS On The Onion's Topless Cello Players Story

The Nerve Nerds Know How to Party Pretty, Too

Emily Farris — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 21:01:00 GMT

Did you think the only picture you'd see of a Nerve staffer at the Nerve and Hendrick's Gin party would be the shot of my butt in the background? Worry no more, friends. The Nerve nerds and our friends know how to get dressed up and party, too. And we did, for the best party ever.

All Images by Nikola Tamindzic/Home of the Vain unless otherwise noted.

Pictured above: Lacey Tauber and Emily Farris

Babble editor Ada Calhoun, looking lovely

Nerve's Alisa Volkman and Director Adam Davidson

Jun Hirst, William Grants & Sons (Hendrick's)

Sarah Harrison of Tango and Jack Murnighan, author and former Nerve editor

Andy Battaglia, The Onion City Editor, New York; Jennifer Prediger, Grist.org Video Maven; Tommy Craggs New York Times sports contributor, all enjoying the Burlesque Show

Rufus Griscom, publisher of Nerve, and Mara Kanner

Modern Materialist blogger Wendy Atterberry and her boyfriend

Nate Cavalieri, Rock/Pop Editor at Rhapsody.com; Garrett Kamps, Rhapsody.com Managing Editor; Rob Harvilla Village Voice Music Editor and husband of Nerve's Nicole Ankowski; Emily Farris (a.k.a. Scanner Emily and my freakishly-large looking arm).

Many more pictures here.

Also:

The New York Insider: And They Partied Like it Was 1899

Fishbowl: What Recession? Nerve Parties Like It's 1929

Related:

About Last Night: Pictures from the Nerve and Hendrick's Gin Burlesque Party

Scanner Brian May Not Be Posting Lolcats...

We're Still Getting It Together This Morning...

While You Were Sleeping: Minnie Driver Pops Out A Future Celebrity

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 13:46:00 GMT

It's primary day in some states, which means the phone sex lines are humming.

We'd like to think this idiot just failed in an attempt to get back at Oasis for all their pretentious snobbery, but he was probably just a drunken jackass who rushed the stage.

And you really, really need to see these photos of Anthony Bourdain in the prehistoric era known as the 1970s:

Amazing, right, that he still looks 30 years old at 16? Bourdain, ever a swell sport, writes a letter to the poster of these photographs:

Vengeance will be mine, Ruhlman. I have employed a most excellent and reputable firm of Venetian detectives who assure me that the photos of you--at the Kajagoogoo concert, 1986, will soon be in my hands.They tell me as well that that infommercial you made with Suzanne Sommers? Copies STILL exist.

My hopes for political office have been ruined, Ruhlman. And for this, you will pay a truly terrible price.

Any Jews out there? asks the town of Dothan, Alabama. No need to hide, the residents just want to talk to you... and offer you $50,000 for moving to the Bible Belt. Seriously. What could you lose?

Larry Blumberg is looking for a few good Jews to move to [Alabama.] Blumberg is chairman of an organization offering Jewish families as much as $50,000 to relocate to Dothan, an overwhelmingly Christian town of 58,000 that calls itself the Peanut Capital of the World. Get involved at Temple Emanu-El and stay at least five years, the group's leaders say, and the money doesn't have to be repaid.
More Jews are living in the South than ever — about 386,000 at last count in 2001... young Jews are leaving... in favor of cities like Atlanta and Birmingham, Rockoff said, and dozens of small-town synagogues have closed.

Basically, it's up to you. No pressure or anything.

Really, is there anything better than when Onion articles happen in real life? Then, today in Onion Come To Life: US Weekly spins off a highbrow version of its muckrag...

"Good Luck Sarah Palin" / "Death Race" were two sentences written back to back on an Alaskan movie theater marquee. Creepy...

And Minnie Driver gave birth to Henry Story Driver (she couldn't resist with the strange name, could she?) in LA. The instantly-famous little dude weighs nine pounds is infinitely cooler than us because he has a secret musician daddy, which we long ago revealed to be Eddie Izzard.

Sloppy Seconds: Half-Naked Woman At A Blue Jays Game

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

Who Would You Rather, Celebrity Chef Edition Part II: Bourdain vs. Colicchio

Sloppy Seconds: Teenage Jon Bon Jovi Could Help You Score an Eighth

Video of the Day: Are the Olympics a Trap?

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 19:56:00 GMT

The Beijing Olympics: Are They A Trap?

The Onion asks the question that's been on all our minds since this whole "Olympics" thing began.

But we have a few more details we're trying to flush out? For example, when will the Chinese drop the nets? Are there going to be sharks? Or spears? Or sharks with spears? And will Michael Phelps set another record, this time for swimming his way out of them?

Related: Michael Phelps Dresses... Up?

While You Were Sleeping: The Revenge of Harold And Kumar

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 13:44:00 GMT

Barack Obama spoke in front of approximately 200,000 people in Berlin. Onion headline: John McCain Loses Campaign Trail in North Dakota.

How in the hell did Max Mosley survive a major Nazi-style sex scandal and go on to win six figures in a civil suit?!

You'll have to forgive us for breaking your hearts with this Amy Adams news:

Enchanted star Amy Adams is to wed her boyfriend of six years, Darren Le Gallo.

The 33-year-old met Le Gallo - a fellow thespian - in an acting class in 2001 and they began dating following a year of friendship.

A spokesperson for Adams confirmed the news to People.com. The couple reportedly plans to marry next year.

The rest of the world is picking up on this Optional Clothing Diners club "craze."

Airline tickets are expensive... checked luggage fees are even more outrageous. So it's no wonder people have begun to try to smuggle each other in their suitcases.

We thought the latest Harold and Kumar adventure had bombed. Apparently not, as a third movie is in the works.

Darren Aronofsky to direct... Robocop?!

Pete Townshend talked Eddie Vedder out of retiring. Verena thanks you, Pete, although we say: "No comment."

Video of the Day: Ocular

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 16:06:00 GMT

Live From Congress

Even Lenny Bruce would agree: this is very much NSFW.

We Call BS On The Onion's Topless Cello Players Story

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 15:52:00 GMT

Yes, we know the Onion is not a genuine source of news. However, the A.V. New York page, which has listings, interviews, and reviews is a legitimate source of information. Which is why we were puzzled by their claim to having uncovered a "tradition of playing cello topless to whales"...

From the Onion (April 17 - 23, New York edition):

"Apparently there's a tradition of playing cello topless to whales among at least a few serious followers of the fine art of whale-song. It's probably not widespread, but it makes a lot of sense as a practice when you think about it."
-Andy Battaglia

Battaglia then goes on to announce a genuine event, the New York Public Library's symposium on whales, which took place on Saturday. But nowhere could we find any record of anyone ever playing the cello topless... to whales. Charlotte Moorman, pictured above, was famous (for about two minutes) for playing the cello topless in the City, so maybe Battaglia is confused. He certainly doesn't cite his sources-- then again, no one ever does at the Onion.

We're kidding-- although not about this story, mainly because we were looking forward to uncovering a whole host of Google Images of hot women cello players, topless, crying like Hayden Panettiere over their favorite sea creatures...

The Wall Street Journal Will Own The Onion Pretty Soon...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 15:10:00 GMT

The Wall Street Journal is being lampooned by a newspaper called, inventively enough, My Wall Street Journal. Although no humans actually read the paper being sent up, one individual apparently thinks the parody version is so damned good, he's buying up every copy he can find, possibly all 250,000.

And just who is this masked man? You mean you haven't figured it out?

His name is Rupert Murdoch. From the New York Times:

“This guy comes by all the time to bring promotional stuff for The Wall Street Journal — bags, coin trays, stickers,” Mr. Laurence said.

Sure enough, they found what he was looking for. “He grabbed them all, said, ‘I need to buy all of these,’ ” Mr. Laurence said. “He had been going around to different stands, buying them.”

Wait, wasn't there some movie where a dangerous right-wing smear artist of a newspaperman tried to buy up all existing copies of a cultural landmark and burn them in effigy or, maybe, to just burn them into nonexistence? Wait, that wasn't a movie. That was what almost happened to fucking Citizen Kane, yo.

What's next? An Onion headline that says "Onion To Become Part of Murdoch World Takeover Bid"? And not be a joke?

Link via Huffington Post. Be warned: frightening nude portrait of Ann Coulter on that page!

The Onion Goes Full Frontal

Bryan Christian — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 14:31:00 GMT

Woah, check it out: looks like even The Onion isn't afraid to experiment with the incredible traffic drawing power of two O's and a V. Meaning, you know, it's an all right joke and all -- but did you hear that "This American Life" where they say that hundreds of joke headlines get killed before a handful make it into print? Is this really funnier than "Spork Used As Knife"? Seems to us that The Onion was less interested in making a funny here than they were in testing the waters, seeing how blue they could go, and getting as much traffic out of it as possible. To which we say: click on this link as many times as you possibly can.

Ha, sorry, meant this link. (Hey, come on -- we like traffic too.)

Video of the Day: The Onion Movie Trailer!

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 13:00:00 GMT

If the readers of Gawker hate it, it must be funny...

We never realized how many people found the geniuses at the Onion unfunny, but then we realized that nobody impresses Gawker commentors like themselves. We'd be glad to rent this for free from Netflix/Blockbuster/Pirate Bay, although we must admit it looks, sounds, and feels (squishy) pretty damn similar to Kentucky Fried Movie:

Retro Masturbation Material: Susan Sarandon

Emily Farris — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Maybe David Unger wasn't achieving the same kind-of orgasms he had in the 90's, or maybe he was just feeling nostaligic. Either way, he decided to jerk off to Susan Sarandon "for old time's sake."

"It was great to fantasize about Susan again," said Unger, who had not fantasized about Sarandon since 1994, when she played a tough-but-sultry lawyer in The Client. "It just felt natural and right. Almost like I never stopped in the first place."

"She still looks absolutely amazing," Unger continued. "Susan is just as sexy as the first time I climaxed thinking about her after that midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Maybe even sexier, if that's possible. The years have been very good to her."

Alright, you caught us. This is an Onion story, but a hilarious one at that. Obligatory old-school Susan Sarandon boobs after the jump. And just think, we wouldn't have found them had we not turned off our SafeSearch!

[The Onion: Susan Sarandon Masturbated To For Old Time's Sake]

New Orifice Needed for Ogling

Emily Farris — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 16:03:00 GMT

Vagina? Boring. Asshole? Boring. Mouth? Yawn.

According to The Onion, we're about due for a new orifice for ogling and hopefully doin' it.

Jaded by the sight of what it deemed "run-of-the-mill" orifices, the nation's pornography-saturated populace released a statement Monday demanding a new bodily opening to leer at. "At this point, staring at an anus, vagina, or beckoning mouth has become so commonplace that it is no more titillating than ogling, say, the human elbow," the statement read in part, its list of demands specifying that the new orifice, wherever its location on the body, must be concealed by some sort of clothing or shroud during the majority of the day, so that the viewer grows more eager for its eventual revelation when its covering is seductively removed.

"If at all possible, we'd prefer some sort of self-moistening orifice that grips tightly enough to constrain fingers and foreign objects, but also gapes wide enough to fit a human head." According to pornographic historians, there hasn't been a public outcry like this since 1989, when the nation's mainstream pornographic-film industry pacified its audience by unveiling the first penetrable asshole.

Does this mean the ear is out of the question? We always found the ear kind-of sexy, but it's not exactly self-moistening.

[The Onion: Pornography-Desensitized Populace Demands New Orifice To Look At]

John McCain, 141, Seizes Power in Coup

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 18:09:00 GMT

Apologies for the panic-inducing title, I just wanted start out with a bang…

John McCain proved Saturday that Republicans might forgive and forget everything: supporting a doomed war (Iraq), opposing the party's top goal (deporting brown people), and an offensively normal blond blogger daughter. (It's also apparently no big deal that the man will be older than Nostradamus by 2016.) And while only a few hours earlier, Mitt Romney had established himself as the man to beat, having won 51% of the Nevada caucus vote, he was soon overshadowed by McCain's upset victory in South Carolina, a state evangelical Governor Mike Huckabee had been long favored to win.

Former Clinton guru Dick Morris sent out a great quote in his daily e-mail this morning:

“The biggest loser in South Carolina was Rudy Giuliani. He now must face a resurgent McCain in Florida who steals his votes away. Rudy is a bit like the guy who went away to college and came home to find that some other guy had stolen his girl.”

Ouch. But then again, who’d steal Judy Nathan?

What does all this mean for the future of our nation, which The Onion believes is in its final year? And more importantly, who do we have to see about banning Fred Thompson from ever running for office again? The guy is about as exciting as my last colon exam, and believe me, I was very much not aroused.

These and more questions will be answered by Yours Truly, the new National Political Correspondent for Nerve. We'll be concentrating on specific issues that have vaguely nothing to do with Nerve (but I'll throw in a crazy Mike Huckabee abortion comment every day or so, just to stay relevant.)

[Photo of the author and Dennis Kucinich by Mark Esper]

[Photo of Judith Nathan and Rudy Giuliani by Joe Schildhron/PMc]