Scanner : tits and ass

Russians Like Big Butts, You Can't Deny

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 16:53:00 GMT

Russians always gotta be different. Sometimes they even take things that Americans love, like binge drinking, and escalate them to absurd levels of worship.

Case in point-- the new sexting craze that is taking Russkies by storm doesn't involve pornographic images (necessarily.) They have, however, taken their love of gigantic backsides to a whole new level of devotion...

After one girl, under the handle VILena, posted the below photo on one of the country's premiere social networking sites, a major cultural trend was born overnight:

This is the photo, which came our way in this censored form, that sparked the following mania:

Wait, what the fuck?

We promise to continue to ~~get to the bottom~~ stay on top of this, now known as Vilena, and other emerging sexual trends.

The call it “to make Vilena-style photo” - Vilena that’s the name of the first girl. By the way, this name has a Soviet origin. After the Communists took over in 1917 and their leader Lenin was a national hero many Russian young parents called their boys and girls after him using his initials and second name. Lenin’s full name was “Vladimir Iliich Lenin” - so new boyish name appeared “VILen” and girlish one two: “VILena”. There were also such names like “Vladlen” or “Vladlena” after “Vladimir Lenin”. [English Russia]

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TSA Shows Some T&A

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 21:08:00 GMT

Hasn't the Transportation Security Administration embarrassed us enough by smelling our stinky shoes, emptying all the expired condoms out of our pockets, and pretending to throw away our open containers of beer (which, no doubt, they keep in a separate "recycling bin")?

Apparently not. You're gonna love how much tits, ass, peen, and whatnot the baggage screeners are going to get a glimpse of if these new X-ray machines are put to use...

The first two images are of a female (note the glorious X-ray boobies), while the right two images are of a male (note that weiner.) Here's a detail:

Believe it or not, this doesn't violate our no-genitals policy because, well, we got these from a legitimate news source, via Twitter, the world's finest news source.

By the way, if you want to avoid having one of these TSA searches, don't fly out of the airport in Salt Lake City, Utah, the only place these New World Order strip searches have gone into effect.

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Top 5 "The Price Is Right" Clips

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 20:35:00 GMT

When we were younger, we couldn't stand The Price Is Right. We've always recoiled violently from advertising and even more so from subliminal advertising and product placement. But when it was announced that Bob Barker would retire and, recently, that the Drew Carey version is going off the air next month, we felt it was time to reconsider America's greatest daytime show.

Barker has always struck us as a heroic common man figure-- a guy who put in 35 years at the same job without complaint (after all, it must have become redundant around year four), did 50 years in show business, and even poked fun at himself at the end of his career in Happy Gilmore instead of resting on his laurels.

It turns out, Barker returned to the set yesterday to film a show airing April 6th in which he co-hosts with Carey and promotes his new, for-charity memoir. In honor of this wonderful man and his charming, charmed life, we present our Five Favorite Moments From the Bob Barker Price Is Right...

5) Hordes of Excited Women Molest Bob Barker. You only need to watch the first fifteen-twenty seconds to remember why Bob Barker quit the show due to his age and serious back injuries. At 2:18, watch as Colonel Sanders pulls the same move. And at 8:15, don't miss Ethel's "dream" about Bob.

4) Tidy cats. We'll never look at our roommate's cat the same way.

3) Nipple slip! A Price Is Right model endures a nipple slip on national television. Wait a minute, this show is live?! (Forunately for the squares running CBS, you can't really see anything with the credits going up.)

2) TIE: A Model and a Gentleman and The Third Time's The Charm. Believe it or not, there were countless on-air marriage proposals during Barker's 35-year run and we weren't able to choose between these two. Try not to choke up a bit here...

1) Cheating Emerson student -- is there any other kind? Bob Barker famously walks off the set and say, "I'm going home." It may not be as powerful as the last couple, but this may have been the most-publicized moment in the entire show's history. Barker rarely got upset with anyone, but this time, you believe it...

You can watch the final minutes of his final show here, by the way.

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48-Year-Old Carol Alt Finally Does Playboy

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 21:55:00 GMT

To wrap up the week in nudity, we had to decide between Keri Russell's creepy shoot for Details or the Carol Alt Playboy photos. There's no question that Carol's are hotter... but is it a mirage, a Photoshopping miracle or is the former supermodel as bodacious* as ever?

You can buy a copy of the December issue of Playboy here.

*Forgive us for using that word, but we were just reading a story about how Keanu Reeves thinks a Bill & Ted sequel is possible. We really want to write that-- sort of like the Rocky Balboa for the dumb comedy set.

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Top 5 Nude Scenes of 2008

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 20:08:00 GMT

Mr. Skin released his Top 10 Sex Scenes of 2008, but to see what that dirty old man is raving about, you have to sign up and give your credit card to a bunch of perverts.

Or you could see them all for free, thanks to the beauty of Google and our embedding, um, tool...

5. Neve Campbell. We took some flack for ragging on (a photo of) Neve Campbell's nipples in a screencap from I Really Hate My Job, but seeing them in action here, they like quite normal to us. That's the problem with screencaps, of course: they're never as titilating as the real thing.

4. Asia Argento. Picking a favorite nude scene from Asia Argento is like picking your favorite $100 bill-- they're all equally fantastic, as well as a wonder to behold. Here's one from some Italian or Spanish movie-- but what do you care?

3. Heather Graham. When we first caught Heather Graham in Swingers, we never suspected that every movie since would feature her getting nailed in the nude. You'd think she'd go the Julia Roberts route and Neve Campbell would end up more of a Denise Richards type. But nope... and not that we're complaining. When was the last time you enjoyed seeing a Julia Roberts sex scene?

2. Mischa Barton. We can't believe we're saying this, but how adorable is a crying, curly-haired Mischa Barton dubbed in Spanish in this scene from Closing the Ring?

1. Sophie Monk. The catchphrase of the year is not "Change" or even "Pancakes." It's "foreplay is for losers." See why, with this clip:

The rest of the top 10, according to Mr. Skin: Anna Farris in the House Bunny; Mena Suvari in Stuck; Amy Smart in Mirrors; Penelope Cruz in Elegy; and Aneglina Jolie in Wanted, which we may post next week if you have those.

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The Top 5 Hollywood Players Who Did Porn

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 13:45:00 GMT

The Frisky has a new list out, this time running down ten former porn stars or porn makers who have gone on to bigger (though, in most cases, not at all better) things.

We narrowed the list to five for several reasons, including the fact that theirs includes actual current porn stars (Tracy Lords doesn't count either.) Although we didn't leave out #5... did you know about the kid from The Christmas Story?!

1. Sylvester Stallone: He did porn at 24 when there was not much more... he could've been doing, that is. (Sorry for that random Neil Young reference, "Old Man" is on our head right now.) "After the actor became famous, the movie was reedited and released as The Italian Stallion, of course."

2. Francis Ford Coppola: He hung on to the Godfather directing job by a thread-- what would've studio heads done to him if they'd found out he was a porn director, too?

3. Thora Birch: Her parents did porn, including her Dad, who was in Deep Throat. This one's cheating, although Birch has done some porn herself-- remember that scene in American Beauty?

4. Dita Von Teese: We already blew the lid off this one.

5. Scotty Schwartz: "Remember the kid in A Christmas Story who got his tongue stuck to a frozen pole? That kid was Scotty Schwartz, a child actor who grew up and, looking to change his image, starred in his own X-rated biopic: Scotty’s X-Rated Adventure. On set, he reported, 'I sank just about as fast as the Titanic.'” Poor bastard, but that's what he gets for doing what I told him expressly not to do with his tongue.

Don't forget Burt Reynolds, who did that nude pictoral in Cosmo. Yes, kids, back in the day, Cosmo wasn't just about terrible advice... it actually had hot naked dudes... in their prime!

Via the Frisky.

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What Is The Deal With Neve Campbell's Breasts?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 21:00:00 GMT

Seriously, maybe it is because I, Scanner Brian, am a male person, but I cannot quite wrap my ignorant head around these photos of Neve Campbell topless, at long last, in the new movie "I Really Hate My Job."

All we can say is: Now we understand why she didn't want to take off her top in "Wild Things." We thought it was because of that whole "Party of Five" do-gooder, non-Britney Spears kind of image she set for herself as an actress, but it turns out she may have just thought that her breasts would not be applauded by Hollywood. Who cares? She shouldn't worry-- if they're real, they're better than any of the 98 different versions we've seen of Pam Anderson's...

So, um, are those actually normal breasts? We're kidding-- the problem here is that we spend our days enjoying endless boob parades, featuring breasts that are almost always doctored, pert, and ready for primetime (porn) in some way. This could explain why, when faced with these photographs, we may react with a disturbed cry of terror. PS: Part of the problem with these pics is not the breasts-- it's that her head appears to be superimposed on someone else's body-- the photo just has that look about it. Wanna bet these are fake?

More on this unnatural disaster, via the Sun.

Today in Food Porn: The Bacon Bra

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:45:00 GMT

Although food is often pornographic, porn is rarely edible.

Photos of the infamous bacon bra are circulating on the net, but they originated on Brian Kusler's Flickr page. The below photo comes with the below introduction from one lucky birthday dude:

"I don't really know how the idea came up... at some point after too many tequilas and my friend talking about how to get more men interested in her, someone said, "wait, men love bacon and boobs, why not combine the two? that's a million dollar idea right there!"

This is so hot it could make Lindsay Lohan look desirable.

The most mouth-watering part of all this hubbub is the following comment, posted on the same Flickr page:

we totally deep fried the bacon and ate it later :)

What's that sound that Homer makes when his mouth is having a food-related orgasm? "Ahwhwahhhauhhhh."

Photo of Bacon & Boobs: Brian Kusler

Women Pays For Implants Entirely With Online Donations

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 15:30:00 GMT

Why a woman in a with a "supportive" and understanding boyfriend, not to mention a child, needs breast implants to feel better about herself, and why her man isn't alarmed, is beyond us. Then again, we (Scanner Bryan not included) have never been breast men. We have to admit to scratching our collective heads over the recent news stories about the first Canadian woman to raise her boob funds entirely through anonymous online donations.

We've always been of the opinion that a woman with fake breasts is either a hot stripper (not girlfriend material) or a single fifty-year-old (not girlfriend material) or, well, just not girlfriend material. It's what we Americans call "a big-ass red flag." What does it say about a person who not only wants breast implants to feel some sense of self worth but also seeks the money for such an operation by scouring for anonymous online donations and flirting with creepy boob-crazed strangers at myfreeimplants.com?

Since joining the site in October 2006, [Candace] Leadley chatted with men around the world and posted photos of herself online to raise the roughly $9,000 needed for surgery.
Donations ranged from $10 to $250, she said, and came from men around the world.

Indeed, more importantly, who are these strange men who cough up half a paycheck to a chick they won't ever even see naked? Is this a new fetish that's going around?

And most importantly, are those tetas pictured above real? Your guesstimation, Doctor, in the comments. (And yes, we know the answer.)

Hot Chicks Dig Green Dudes

Emily Farris — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 14:20:00 GMT

For millions of years women have used T & A to get what they want — when all else fails, of course. So next time that man who claims to have "simple needs" uses eighteen squares of toilet paper to wipe his ass, or throws his beer bottles in with the rest of the garbage, please direct his attention to hotchixdig.com.

Introduce him to Rebextreme, a brunette who says "be smart and start doing your part." If the gentleman prefers a blonde, there's Mary Jane, who likes "men who bike... men who eat fresh, seasonal produce... and men who care about animal welfare." Once you have his attention, you can teach him about carbon emissions and the effects of pesticides. Because really, the only thing hotter than a woman with a bike basket full of locally-grown produce is a man with a bike basket full of locally-grown produce.

And ladies, don't forget to do your part. You can add yourself to the Hot Chix roster.

(Thanks, Mandy!)