Scanner : today in the apocalypse

Today in the Apocalypse: 17-Year-Old MADD Volunteer Hosts Quiet Gathering...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 17:52:00 GMT

Katie Rees, Miss Nevada USA 2007, who was stripped of her crown following this and other "scandalous photos"

Let me tell you something about Hartford, Connecticut, the city, I, Scanner Brian was born in.

Actually, better yet, let's not tell you anything about Hartford, Connecticut, because it would just be a waste of space after you read this story. Anything I tell you about Hartford will be brutally shoved aside after you read about one 17-year-old Miss Connecticut Outstanding Teen, a volunteer with Mothers Against Drunk Dumbasses, decided to do with her Saturday night when her parents went out of town.

If you think it's entertain little orphan boys with stories from award-winning children's authors, well...

Rachael Ramonas competed in the Miss America's Outstanding Teen competition in Florida this past summer, returning home without the ultimate title. Perhaps she was disappointed by her defeat and decided that, instead of continuing to volunteer with MADD, she would stop being an Outstanding Teen the minute her parents left her goody-two-shoes self at home for the weekend.

On Saturday night, cops arrested two dozen underage drinkers at the home of Miss Ramonas. Reports indicate that most of the kids were beyond wasted-- although, since Ramonas is a juvenile, cops can't say whether she was one of them, or even if she was arrested at all. According to this source:

Officers responding to an anonymous call about underage drinking Saturday night found beer, rum and items commonly used for a drinking game called beer pong. [AP News]

Luckily, no one was arrested for DWI's, so there's at least that bit of sanity... although we doubt she could've kept an eye on all 24-plus peeps who had vehicles to make sure they didn't further embarrass her or reveal some sort of "hypocrisy."

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Today in the Apocalypse: A 14-Year-Old Girl Did... What?!

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 17:19:00 GMT

This story is so disturbing, it has us worried about the next two generations...

A 14-year-old New Zealand girl was arrested earlier this week for driving drunk-- and that's just the beginning of the story. When her breathalyzer tests were released by police, it turned out she had a blood-alcohol level more than six times the legal limit. And there's more:

Acting Sergeant Kevin Crawford told the Northern Advocate the girl, who was four months pregnant, was stopped after her driving caught police attention.

She allegedly gave a false name and had difficulty spelling it.

She was forbidden to drive and taken to Whangarei police station, where she recorded a breath-alcohol level of 828mcg. The legal limit for drivers under 20 is 150mcg and driving licences are not issued to people under 15.

The girl would be referred to Youth Aid, Mr Crawford said. [Stuff.co.nz]

So, to recap: this wasn't some random checkpoint bust or a case of the cops pulling someone over for a broken tailight and then discovering the problem-- she was driving erratically, putting more than just two lives in danger. She tried to get out of it by using a fake name, which she couldn't even spell. And she didn't even have a driver's license to begin with-- who the hell gave her their car keys?!

Frightening.

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Today in the Apocalypse: the Caylee Anthony Doll

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 15:32:00 GMT

We don't even want to know the name of the person who came up with the idea of a "tribute doll" for a murdered girl, a doll being sold for profit, because then we might have to commit serious crimes. Since there's no such thing as hell, if we send this doll's creator enough bad vibes, voodoo-style, maybe he'll suffer a miserable fallout from this idea.

And by the way, before you leap to his undeserved defense, the doll is retailing for $30, with a "portion" "possibly" going to an undecided charity. Nice try, assface.

Asked about whether it's appropriate for his company profit on Caylee's death, Salcedo said he is anticipating critics.

"I think that that is going to come up," he said.

Salcedo said the public does not understand what it costs to make the doll, ship it, import it, and his company's expenses. [Orlando Sentinel]

Hey, Salcedo (now we know your name), no one's forcing you to do anything.

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Today in the Apocalypse: Makeover Parties For Little Girls

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 15:07:00 GMT

Did you know more than thirty percent of ten-year-old girls worry about their body image? Did you just barf in your mouth a little?

Good, because now you're really in for it: makeover parties... for eight-year-olds...

A furious mother who, of course, prefaces her remarks in the Daily Mail by saying that she's not "prudish" (compared to what?), has something to say to these parents who want to make single-digit daughters into double-digit whores:

A few days ago, my eight-year-old daughter Bo came home from school with a bemused expression on her face. One of her friends was hosting a makeover party.
Bo instinctively knew that she would never have been allowed to attend. I was utterly appalled. Frankly, I would rather cut my left arm off than let my girls wear make-up.
I was horrified to discover that some mothers believe it's acceptable to invite little girls of seven and eight to a party for the sole purpose of having their hair and make-up done.

In the States, I know they offer body waxing for girls as young as seven.
With major supermarkets selling 'sexy' thongs for five-year-old girls or tops with provocative writing, our children are becoming objectified and sexualised well before their time. It's a paedophile's dream.

We knew about high heels for babies, but not about thongs for five-year-olds or (ewwwwwww) bikini waxes for kids. Is it time to make these things illegal-- obviously not the makeup party, which is just plain poor parenting and nothing more-- or what?

Via the Daily Mail.

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 21:01:00 GMT

Are you better off now than you were in 1999? We seriously doubt it, although this chart may make you think you're making the same money you were then: nice try, thanks for (not) factoring in cost of living increases, dumbasses.

Charlize Theron at the DNC: No, I won't get married.

Speaking of marriage: Are we upset or could we care less that this movie star got hitched?

Asia Argento has wed in Tuscany, Italy.
The actress married director Michele Civetta on Wednesday in a civil ceremony at the city hall in Arezzo. The 32-year-old daughter of Italian moviemaker Dario Argento was previously engaged to actors Michael Pitt and Vincent Gallo but she never married.

One million new bankruptcies have been filed this week. Just kidding, it was over the last 12 months. Phew!

What does a country gotta indict somebody for in order to get rid of him? Senator Ted Stevens won his primary yesterday.

Today in the Apocalypse: Rat meat is in high demand in Cambodia, thanks to the economy.

Awww, man... the nun beauty pageant has been canceled for the usual, predictable reasons.

You probably heard about Eva Longoria's early forays into lingerie. If that's your kind of thing, you'll definitely want to check out The Superficial's posting of seven-year-old photos, most of which have been virtually unseen, at least on the internet. Here (and above), a taste:

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Today in the Apocalypse: Hartford Hit And Run

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 20:30:00 GMT

We aren't kidding when we say this will mess with your head.

Has anyone ever seen The Death of Mr. Lazarescu? It's an amazing, very, very dark "comedy" about a man who is ill and tries to seek medical treatment, only to be delayed, denied, and dead by the end of the film. (If anyone thinks we're giving away anything, they obviously did not read the name of the film carefully.)

This police surveillance video depicts what is clearly one of the craziest examples of (in)humanity ever documented in the YouTube era and a real-life Lazarescu moment...

After a seventy-eight-year-old man was hit by one of two street racers driving erratically on the wrong side of the road.

Pedestrians gawk but do nothing. One driver stops briefly but then pulls back into traffic. A man on a scooter slowly circles the victim before zipping away.
The victim, Angel Arce Torres, was in critical condition in Hartford Hospital. Authorities say he is paralyzed.

See the three-minute video, which ends with the police finally responding to the scene... by coincidence only, having been on another call...

Via WTIC and Hartford Police.

Today in the Apocalypse: Man Injured in Mooning Prank Gone Wrong

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 19:13:00 GMT

Continuing signs of the coming apocalypse today in a variety of bizarre arrests and other News of The Weird exclusives. The Tampa, FL area continues to be a source of great amusement for Scanner bloggers-- today's story features a man brought in on felony charges for building a treehouse on a chemical company's forested property so he could feed his addiction to horse racing.

Raymond Rogers built hisself a fifteen-foot-high tree house in what he probably thought was some abandoned forest so he could use binoculars to eyeball the track. Rogers told police he had been banned from entering the grandstand itself after "causing problems with the customers." Hmmm...

Other signs of the coming apocalypse include:

Gawker reported on the above photo, which they claim is a real candid of a drunk driver showing up late to watch a Mexican bike race.

A mugger was chased down and busted by a man in a motorized wheelchair. And a 71 year old man.

Speaking of John McCain, he will try to steal the spotlight from the Democrats tonight by making a big speech about-- wait for it-- "change in America."

A Dutch 21-year-old male mortified patrons in a local restaurant by pressing his ass against the glass. The glass, as you probably guess, shattered into a bazillion pieces... and cut his ass off.

And in India, a man ordered his father murdered so he could ascend to his job on the day before the man was going to retire anyway and a married couple accidentally divorced ten years ago and they didn't even know it. Guess they saved a boatload on legal fees down the road...