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Top 10 Hottest Women Size 10 and Up

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 16:57:00 GMT

Late last year, as men's magazines were coming out with their hottest women on the planet lists, we started to put together a list of hot, normal-sized women. As much as we hate the idea of having to create a separate list for women size 10 and up, we can't imagine the editors of FHM or Maxim drooling over a size 10 or 12. You can call Beyonce curvy all you want, she's probably still only a size 6. Hence the need for this list.

Unfortunately, we got stuck at around seven. We couldn't come up with ten relevant, prominent women who were the size of the average American woman (14) who could turn heads. Frustrated, we gave up on it. But last week, when we heard that Anna Wintour—who, to put it plainly, does not like fat girls—was going to fill the pages of Vogue with pictures of British songstress and former Crush of the Week Adele, we enlisted the help of our girlfriends to complete the list. It turns out most of them were frustrated, too, that they couldn't contribute more than one or two names. "This is sadly hard!!!" wrote one, to which we replied, "Actually, it's infuriatingly hard." But three months and 37 emails later, we have a list of ten amazingly hot women who we assume* wear a size 10 or larger. We know we've left plenty of beautiful women off of this list (and we hope you'll list them in the comments section), but we hope you'll enjoy Scanners Top 10 Hottest Women Size 10 and Up.

10. Keely Shaye Smith
Though she has an acting career of her own, we really only know Kelly Shaye Smith as Pierce Brosnan's wife—and unfortunately only because tabloids made terrible fun of some bikini photos of her. But we give Brosnan two thumbs up for his beautiful buxom bride of eight years.

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9. Missy Elliott
We have a hard time imagining Missy Elliot in anything but a trash bag, but once she ditched that getup, she got pretty damn hot. (Okay, she was hot then, but the trash bag really wasn't doing much for her.)

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8. Janet Weiss
Is there anything hotter than a chick who plays bass? How about a chick who plays drums? Janet Weiss, former drummer for the now defunct riot grrrl band Sleater-Kinney, now plays with Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks.

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7. Sara Ramirez
She was hot as George's wife, Callie Watts on Grey's Anatomy, but now that she's bringing some hot, lesbian action to the show, we imagine Sara Ramirez has earned herself a whole new set of fans (including us!).

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6. Adele
Had anyone heard of Adele before she made an appearance on what will forever be referred to as Sarah Palin's Saturday Night Live episode? Lucky for her, and us, everyone was watching. Just a few short months later, she took home a Grammy for Best New Artist.

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5. Jennifer Hudson
From American Idol to Dreamgirls to her 2009 Grammy Award for Best R&B Album, whenever we see Jennifer Hudson, we can't help but be proud of our own curves. We usually also put on a tight dress and dance around the house to Supremes albums.

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4. Neko Case
Men want her and women want to be her. Neko Case is a woman you can't help but like, and the ~~former~~ front woman for the New Pornographers is beautiful with her firey red hair and pale skin. At first we had a hard time believing Case was a 10, but we have it on very good authority (a friend who works in the music industry) that she is. And we like it.

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3. Queen Latifah
Easy, breezy, beautiful CoverGirl, actress, singer and rapper Queen Latifah has managed to reinvent herself enough to remain relevant—and smokin'—for 20 years. Here's hoping for another 20.

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2. Nigella Lawson
Without the T&A we all love so much, Nigella Lawson could probably squeeze that little waist of hers into a size 6. But we would hate for that to happen. Not only is she gorgeous, Lawson has gone through so much shit in her life (she lost her mother, her sister and her first husband to cancer) yet still manages to make sure we all eat enough chocolate.

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1. Christina Hendricks
We have to bow at the feet of Christina Hendricks for bringing Joan Holloway and her gorgeous curves into our lives, and back into the mainstream popular culture. While she likes her dresses snug, we heard from someone who used to share her clothes that she's most certainly a size 10. And on a scale of 1 to 10, a 10.

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*Disclaimer: This size thing is based purely on our own assumptions and/or input from people who claim to know. But being a size 10 ourselves, we're pretty good at guessing these things.

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Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2007

Crush of the Week: Adele

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Because Fridays are a Day of Rest in the Workplace

Colleen Kane — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 22:01:00 GMT

Doesn't it seem like the whole Internet is turning into Top Ten lists? People used to read novels and write novels and read extensive in-depth interviews in magazines and do things to be interviewed about, but it's starting to look like going forward, most people will just look at Top Ten lists. Stories will have to be told in numbered or bulleted format. All interviews will have to be boiled down into a pull quote or two. And so on.

Despite my growing dismay at the pervasiveness of listicles, I was nonetheless pleased to find a blog dedicated to lists of weird stuff, including the best Engrish. Hey, it's Friday and literacy is doomed, so embrace it.

And so, a few examples of "sexy" Engrish culled from the list 20 Worst Engrish Ever (aka 20 Best Engrish Ever).

More LOLs over at Oddee.

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LOL-Word Cats -- Oh Yes We Did!

I No Want Your Porn Burger

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2008

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 15:22:00 GMT

So this is 2009. So far, so good. We're going to use the next few days to accidentally write "2008" on everything and take a look back at the year that was. You can expect the top 10 Scanner posts of 2008 on Monday. But first, as promised, Scanner Emily's top 10 lessons learned in 2008, including—unfortunately—a repeat from last year. Seriously, how many times must we humiliate ourselves online before learning that drinking and Facebook do not mix?

10. Even when you think you're eating sort-of maybe healthily, you're not, you fat fuck.

9. Everyone has daddy issues, okay?

8. Always, always, always back-up what's on your computer (not that we've actually gotten around to it yet).

7. You can always go home.

6. Don't fool yourself into thinking the only way to get The Herp at summer camp is by making out with a hot co-counselor in the art barn. It is not. (And If you have to make jokes about being the oldest camp counselor in the history of the world, you just might be.)

5. It is possible to attend the costume party of your dreams and actually have a blast. If you have not yet experienced this, keep the dream alive and don't throw away those ruffly bloomers you've been holding on to for just such an occasion.

4. Whiskey will not make you a better roller skater. Well, it won't make you better at stopping, anyway.

3. Yellow tights are super unflattering and will get you weird looks even in the Bellevue emergency room.

2. Never, ever try to use The Facebook on your phoneputer while totally shit-faced drunk. (Yes, we thought we learned this one in 2007.)

1. If your ex-boyfriend asks if he can write an article about you for the local alternative weekly, say no.

Related:

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2007

Five Things I Learned in Vegas

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Scanner Emily's Burlesque Fantasy Comes True, Sort Of

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

Top 10 Childish Things We Wish We Could Get Away With as Adults

Most Likely, We'll Sleep With You if You Grow a Giant Beard

Emily Farris — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 15:22:00 GMT

As anyone who reads this blog knows, Scanner Emily is in love with the beard. There's just something about it. Well, there are many things about it, as the people who put together this little cartoon know. The truest of the true reasons to grow a beard, after the jump.

Seriously. We don't even know you, but we want to make sweet, sweet love to your beard. Right now.

[10 Very Good Reasons Why You Should Grow a Giant Beard]

Related:

Scanner Roundtable: Facial Hair

Scanner Roundtable: Does Stubble = Sex(ier)?

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I Hate Myself for Loving You: "Men in Trees"

"Pinups" Issue No. 5 Gets a 10

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Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Consider Prancing Around in Stripper Shoes to Survive the Recession

The Top 10 Songs About Masturbation

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 18:25:00 GMT

The Frisky has had a post up for a few days on the Nine Sexiest Songs About Masturbation. Ever since we came across it, we've been wondering how definitive it really is.

Meanwhile, we've come up with our own list...

10. The Vapors - Turning Japanese. The Vapors have milked this one for years-- both for their only chart hit and to keep the amusing rumor going, but this may not be about masturbation after all. Wikipedia says it's actually a love song and that the masturbation thing came after interview requests started coming in. (Hint: "Turning Japanese" allegedly refers to a guy squinting hard when he jerks off.)

9. Britney Spears - The Touch of My Hand. She didn't write it, so we can't hate her for it. “Cause I just discovered/Imagination’s taken over/Another day without a lover/The more I come to understand the touch of my hand... I’m all in my skin and I’m not gonna wait/I’m into myself in a most precious way.”

8. Billy Idol - Dancing With Myself. How we missed this over the million times we've heard it, we're not sure. (Maybe it's because we're usually having sex when it's on?) “When there’s no-one else in sight/In the crowded lonely night/Well I wait so long/For my love vibration/And I’m dancing with myself.”

7. Ween - Mister Richard Smoker. We were also thinking "Picture of Lily" (the Who) and some other ones for this slot (yeah, Billy Joel's "Captain Jack" would work, but may be a bit too creepy): "Mister Richard Smoker/you're a chicken choker/tonight you're gonna let it all hang out/pantyhose and aqua net"

6. Tori Amos - Icicle. We never thought men could masturbate to Tori Amos, but there's something really hot about hearing her sing “And when my hand touches myself/I can finally rest my head/And when they take from his body/I think I’ll take from mine instead/Getting off, getting off while they’re all downstairs.”

5. Chuck Berry - My Ding A Ling. Won't you play with it?

4. Elvis Costello - Pump It Up. Double meanings are great because they enable songs to bypass stuff censors who miss the joke. Case in point: this 1978 single, which is ostensibly about turning up the volume. Yeah, on your own getting off! "Pump it up when you don't really need it/Pump it up until you can feel it/Down in the pleasure center/hell bent or heaven-sent..."

3. Violent Femmes - Blister In The Sun. Gordon Gano stained his sheets, which is so much less of an uncomfortable image than it has any right to be.

3. The Divinyls - I Touch Myself. Duh: "I don’t want anybody else/And when I think about you I touch myself."

2. Prince - Darling Nikki. We'll let The Frisky intro this one, since they did such a nice job:

This song and it’s racy lyrics is what prompted Tipper Gore to form the Parents Music Resource Center, which eventually led to the use of “Parental Advisory” stickers and imprints on album covers. The song was also dubbed ‘pornographic’ and ‘satanic’. Awesome! “I knew a girl named Nikki/I guess u could say she was a sex fiend/I met her in a hotel lobby/Masturbating with a magazine/She said how’d you like to waste some time/And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind.”

1. Cyndi Lauper - She Bop. What, you didn't know what a "she bop" is? From the "Self Service" sign in the video to lines like:

I see them every night in tight blue jeans -
In the pages of a blue boy magazine
Hey I've been thinking of a new sensation
I'm picking up - good vibration -
Oop - she bop

Do I wanna go out with a lion's roar
Huh, yea, I wanna go south n get me some more
Hey, they say that a stitch in time saves nine
They say I better stop - or I'll go blind
Oop - she bop - she bop...

Via The Frisky. Thanks, Wendy!

Vote In Playboy's Sexiest Female Blogger Poll

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 19:47:00 GMT

Or boycott said vote for their non-inclusion of Scanner Emily or Scanner Nicole or Nicole Ankowski or Erin Bradley or... well, yet the point. We think there should be a huge tie for number one, just among our fellow Nerve bloggers...

...but... if you want to see the not-nearly-as-worthy Playboy picks, check out some of our picks, below:

First, there's Violet Blue, below and above, one of our favorite bloggers (sight unseen, of course):

Then there's Sarah Lacy, who is apparently on Yahoo! and some sort of big deal on ValleyWag is definitely the cutest blogger on the list...

Also on the list is Veronica Belmont. According to the article, she is "co-host of the digital technology vlog Tekzilla [and] host of PlayStation's Qore."

There's too much "vlogger" on this list for it to really qualify as a definitive list of hot "bloggers." (For example, none of the Jezebel hotties made it, maybe because they don't look like centerfolds... thank God.)

Via Playboy: Hottest Web Bloggers (Vote!)

The Top 10 Weirdest Sex Laws

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 19:02:00 GMT

We want to defy the logic of these sex laws.

The Top 10 Weirdest Sex Laws:

10. No one is allowed to have sex in a parked car. Unless the car has (drawn) curtains... in Carlsbad, New Mexico)

9. It's illegal for a woman to take off her clothes while in front of a man's photo in Oxford, Ohio.

8. It is against the law for husbands to to talk dirty ("curse at his wife") during intercourse in Willowdale, Oregon.

7. The missionary position is the only sexual position allowed by law in Washington, DC.

6. Women, married or not, husbands about to die or not, are not allowed to have sex with while riding in an ambulance. "In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment," courtesy of Tremonton, Utah.

5. Giving or receiving head is against the law in 18 states, including Arizona and Utah.

4. For reasons we don't want to know, it's against the law to get it on with a truck driver inside a toll booth in Harrisonburg, PA.

3. Sticking your dick in a porcupine is illegal in Florida. (We'd like to think this law is unnecessary, but we're talking about Florida here...)

2. It is against the law for a man to fire a gun while his female partner is having an orgasm in Connorsville, Wisconsin. (Wait, is he firing a gun to blow her mind? To kill her for coming before him? Because he's been finished for ten minutes and was trying to clean his rifle? What?)

1. And having bestiality with animals is legal for men, "as long as the animal weighs less than 40 pounds," in the great state of Washington.

Honorable Mentions:

It is illegal in Utah to marry your first cousin before the age of 65.

In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

And "a law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets."

Via Bert C and College Times.

Top 10 Celebrity Moms Who Could Be Hookers

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 17:24:00 GMT

Not to insult Moms (or even celebrities), but TMZ has a list today that we must improve upon...

Most of these Celebrity Moms are actually pretty cool (well, except for Britney, of course), but sometimes with all their plastic surgery, fake boobs, and reality TV antics, they make fools of themselves. Today, we run down those who have slipped up and caused the biggest fashion faux pas of late...

10. Janice Dickinson (see above.) The world's first supermodel or Scary Aunt Spice?

9. Katie Holmes. Not because she ever dresses like a prostitute, rather her inclusion here is thanks to those "rumors" that she took $3 million from the Church of Scientology to be Tom's wife.

8. Judy Landers

7. Christina Aguilera, who normally looks much classier these days, was caught in Spitzer's-second-hooker mode by the pap's:

6. Linda Hogan

5. Lisa Gastineau

4. Tori Spelling

3. Britney Spears

2. Elizabeth Hurley. Among the classiest women in the world most of the time and arguably Britain's sexiest MILF, Hurley does, from time to time, unfortunately get mistaken for a hooker Hugh Grant might've picked up:

Photo via Babble

1. Denise Richards. This photo really says it all. Why did Charlie Sheen need to hire out again? (Seriously, who needs hookers when you have the star of "Wild Things," who happens to dress way better than this most of the time? Even a jackass like Sheen shouldn't need to outsource...)

Via TMZ.

Check Out The Top 10 Topless Socialists

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 20:41:00 GMT

It's a pretty weak list-- not all of these ten politicians and politically-connected socialists (in the most vague sense of the word) come sans shirt, but it's pretty funny and involves weird nude Italians, which is always welcome.

Surprisingly, these were the best photos they could find. However, there are more photos and more about these folks at Anorak.

Village Voice/Naked City's Top Ten Sex Tattoos

Bryan Christian — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 20:25:00 GMT

This is pretty much the only one we can show you. It's number 9. If anything goes whereever you are, have a look at these very NSFW tatts -- but before you do, click on through for a special look at our favorite entry (entitled Puff the Magic Dragon) with an image grabbed from the guy's personal website.

Kind of amazing, right? Head over to http://brynorpheus.co.uk for the full story of how this beauty -- number 5 only on the list? seriously? -- came to be.