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While You Were Sleeping: Don't Drink The Drinking Water, People

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 13:26:00 GMT

Poor Anne Hathaway, and we don't mean that in a mocking way: she had to hand over all the lovely jewels her ex gave her... because they were allegedly purchased with stolen funds. (We hate it when that happens.) Meanwhile, the suave gangster paramour of hers faces at least five years in prison and is still in jail, pending a million dollars' bond, and rumored to be working on a plea deal.

If you're a poll kind of person (we're kind of not), here are 19 new ones on the Presidential race. Quickly: McCain leads in Alabama, Georgia, Idaho, and Wyoming; Obama leads in Colorado, Michigan, and Pennsylvania; and they're tied in Nevada, North Carolina, and Ohio.

And who will be the surprise special guest during Michael Phelps' hosting of SNL this weekend?

According to People, Sen. Barack Obama will appear on Saturday Night Live this weekend. Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps will be guest hosting the show.

Said an Obama spokesman: "The details of the sketch are still being worked out."

We hope it's funnier than the last one, which was super obvious and involved Halloween masks and his "surprise" appearance. Lame.

We're absolutely amazed that someone gave Mariah Carey another movie. Not that we don't like her or anything-- we're just stating the truth.

We still can't get over this story from yesterday's Sloppy Seconds (click here): Lauren Conrad has landed a book deal. Oh my God, what's next, a clothing line?!

And the scariest headline of the morning: Trace drugs found in water could affect 46 million

Headline that sounds scary but thankfully isn't: 9-Year-Old Girl Delivers Baby Brother

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: The Nightmare on Elm Street Remake

While You Were Sleeping: Jessica Alba's Bondage Ad

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye West's Arrest

Hey Rev. Jeremiah Wright: Your Sex Scandal Is Not Helping

While You Were Sleeping: Which TV Female Character Do You Wanna Be?

Hollywood Muppet Photos Prove Hollywood Stars Are Actually Controlled by Frank Oz

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 19:15:00 GMT

According to this photo gallery of Muppets and their celebrity look-alikes, all women in Hollywood are either Miss Piggy or Janice, the pouty-lipped stoner.

Surprisingly, there's much more variety among the men. Check out our favorite rotund, specticled TV weatherman below.

Top 10 Celebrity Moms Who Could Be Hookers

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 17:24:00 GMT

Not to insult Moms (or even celebrities), but TMZ has a list today that we must improve upon...

Most of these Celebrity Moms are actually pretty cool (well, except for Britney, of course), but sometimes with all their plastic surgery, fake boobs, and reality TV antics, they make fools of themselves. Today, we run down those who have slipped up and caused the biggest fashion faux pas of late...

10. Janice Dickinson (see above.) The world's first supermodel or Scary Aunt Spice?

9. Katie Holmes. Not because she ever dresses like a prostitute, rather her inclusion here is thanks to those "rumors" that she took $3 million from the Church of Scientology to be Tom's wife.

8. Judy Landers

7. Christina Aguilera, who normally looks much classier these days, was caught in Spitzer's-second-hooker mode by the pap's:

6. Linda Hogan

5. Lisa Gastineau

4. Tori Spelling

3. Britney Spears

2. Elizabeth Hurley. Among the classiest women in the world most of the time and arguably Britain's sexiest MILF, Hurley does, from time to time, unfortunately get mistaken for a hooker Hugh Grant might've picked up:

Photo via Babble

1. Denise Richards. This photo really says it all. Why did Charlie Sheen need to hire out again? (Seriously, who needs hookers when you have the star of "Wild Things," who happens to dress way better than this most of the time? Even a jackass like Sheen shouldn't need to outsource...)

Via TMZ.

Caption This: Donna Martin's Hot Dogs

Emily Farris — Thu, 29 May 2008 20:46:00 GMT

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Are Donna and David Still Married?

Emily Farris — Wed, 28 May 2008 21:56:00 GMT

Wow, we knew Rachael Ray was an obnoxious freak, but a terrorist? [LA Times]

Have we mentioned how screwed R. Kelly is? [MTV]

If we ever get in a fight on the street, we hope we have a box of moon pies readily available to use as a weapon, too. [KansasCity.com]

The good people at Fleshbot would like you to meet Vicktoria, the world's hottest amputee, and so would we. [Fleshbot]

After watching the trailer we want to see "He's Just Not That Into You" more than we want to see the "Sex and the City" movie. Who'da thunk it? [Entertainment Weekly]

Apparently we're the only ones: the SATC movie opened to much hullaballoo last night. [Yahoo!]

Kirsten Dunst claims she checked into Cirque Lodge treatment center for depression, not drugs. Aaaaand, nobody's buying it. [Jossip]

Okay, apparently Tori Spelling really is coming back to 90210.. as... Donna Martin. We imagine David would have dumped her ass by now, but nobody knows! [People]

Spoon or Spork: Tori Spelling

Emily Farris — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 15:13:00 GMT

Poor Tori Spelling. A few weeks ago when she suggested she play a MILF on the upcoming Beverly Hills 90210, everyone laughed at her. And now we're hearing reports that Jennie Garth might get a part on the new show. She may reprise her role as Kelly Taylor, returning to her Alma Mater to teach fashion design.

So, really, poor Donna Martin? Either way, we're guessing a very pregant Tori Spelling could use some love this week, but what kind?

Does she just need some good cuddling or could she use a good poke? In other words, spoon or spork? Everyone knows what “spooning” is so we need not repeat the obvious, but “sporking” is a whole other beast. Sporking is a good spooning that turns into a great porking—thus the name.

While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's "Secret Talent" Was Buried Forever

Emily Farris — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 13:17:00 GMT

Candi Spelling sympathized with Mommie Dearest. [Babble]

Someone translated Tom Cruise's crazy Scientologist video to German, then performed it. [MySpace]

Mischa Barton got three years probation for a DUI. [MTV]

Robert Van Winkle (a.k.a. Vanilla Ice) was arrested for domestic battery. [People]

Jessica Simpson decided to be super happy about little sister Ashlee's engagement to Pete Wentz. [US Weekly]

We briefly mistook Clay Aiken for Katie Couric. Sorry, Katie! [GabbyBabble]

Miley Cyrus went to the dentist. Some say veneers, we say bleaching. [OhNoTheyDidnt]

We, apparently, got really old. [Engadget]

CBS canceled a reality show we never would have watched, anyway, "Secret Talents of the Stars." [NYT]

Scary skinny Terri Hatcher performed a Carrie Underwood song on American Idol. If she weren't Terri Hatcher we might have thought it wasn't half bad.

Image via

Sloppy Seconds: The Truth About Tori Spelling

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 21:20:00 GMT

Finally, someone with some ethics is stopping all this celebrity snooping-- not that we're going to. Staffers at UCLA Medical Center in L.A. had the pain brought to them when it was revealed employees had been illegally accessing Britney Spears's records.

At long last, the breaking news you've been waiting for: Gary Busey apologizes for giving mouth-to-mouth rescucitation to Jennifer Garner's neck during the Oscars. His excuse: "I got very excited." We thought it was pretty exciting ourselves-- we didn't know our testicles could so quickly retract into our stomachs.

A woman killed her husband because he didn't want to listen to a Bruce Springsteen CD. If it's "Human Touch," we can definitely relate.

Morning sex can save your marriage-- and sheds at least 300 calories. (Only 300? Must be that infamous "under three minutes" kind.)

Let's not forget the political sex story buried by the liberal media: GOP Senator David Vitter's numerous visits to hookers. The La. Republican told the New Orleans Times-Picayune that his and Spitzer's mistakes are all but unrelated and should not be linked. After all, Vitter committed his faux pas "a long time ago," a.k.a. "in 2007."

Tori Spelling's boobs are fake. If you had to read that sentence to discover this information, clearly you did not see the above picture. To further insult you, they're remaking 90210.

And the headline of the day: Condi Waxes Brazillian [via Wonkette, of course.]

[Photo: PR Photos]