Scanner : twins

Sloppy Seconds: Wanda Sykes Has Twins

Emily Farris — Wed, 13 May 2009 22:22:00 GMT

Nicole Ritchie and Joel Madden are having a boy. [FadedYouth]

For the third time in a row a woman is The Biggest Loser. [People]

Ricky Gervais + Bambi = the best thing we've seen and heard all day. [BuzzFeed]

Shanna Moakler has resigned as Miss California pageant director in the wake of the Carrie Prejean opposite-boob-marriage scandal. [Us]

Say what? Wanda Sykes just became the mother to twins? We had no idea that she and her wife were expecting, but on April 27, the couple welcomed a son and daughter. [People]

Sloppy Seconds: Megan Fox Doesn't Need You To Take Her Seriously

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 May 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A man gave birth to his twin, Alien style. Sort of. [The Inquisitr]

Looks like Oprah is going to have a lot less shit on her show. Literally. Dr. Oz—her in-house medical professional who was all too excited to talk poo with Ms. Winfrey—is getting his own show. [Yahoo!]

When we were growing up we seriously thought that everyone in our hometown of Independence, MO was skinny and had bad teeth because they were poor. We know better now. But why is meth so prevalent in some regions and not in others? [FlavorWire]

Wanting to not appear so poor ourselves, at 17 we lied to get a credit card. That was the beginning of our own personal financial hell. This pre-paid Discover card might have done us some good... and probably still could. [Lifestyler]

Speaking of us being poor, don't forget you can buy our Missed Tee for a mere $13. We get 10% of every sale, plus what's not to love about dogs humping legs? [MissedTees]

In the mean time, we'll follow Suze Orman on Twitter. [Twitter]

"I don't want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson — who I have nothing against," Megan Fox tells June's Esquire, "but I don't want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I've ever learned to prove, like, 'Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.' I don't want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I'm not a retard — but I do. And part of it is my own fault." [Us]

Related:

Megan Fox Strips to Underwear for Esquire, Fancy New Camera

Sloppy Seconds: We Can All Stop Worrying About Swine Flu Now

I Owe You a Good Leg Humping

[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape Is Inspiring to Young Girls?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 13:59:00 GMT

Say what you want about its culture, but Wal-Mart workers in Miami may be the first in the nation to unionize.

The top 10 places to kiss.

Here's one we haven't heard before: police raided a topless bar that featured a fourteen-year-old stripper.

Arlen Spector's historic decision to switch to the Democratic Party yesterday not only gives the Donkeys 60 seats in the Senate, it also means they'll probably seize the seat next fall.

SJP and Matthew Broderick are having twins (through a surrogate.)

How can anyone give a flying fuck what Sean Hannity says after he relentlessly defended Kim Kardashian as a role model.

Dolph Lungren probably wishes he could've had Sly around to kick some major ass while this was going down.

And do you think this mother should have her children taken away? She is very overweight and was feeding them McDonald's (albeit UK McDonald's) at six months!

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Sloppy Seconds: Joaquin Phoenix Fights His Audience

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 21:20:00 GMT

Clive Owen doesn't really enjoy sex with Julia Roberts. Honestly, we don't blame him.

Don't listen to that stupid conservative's argument that James Carville is just as bad as Rush Limbaugh.

Helen Hunt may be engaged. Remember that show Mad About You? Ah... you youngin's.

Church sex is the best sex. Just sayin'.

Twin doctors-- is there anything creepier (if you've seen that Jeremy Irons movie, that is)? This guy and his twin were involving in molesting young boys in their offices.

Isn't it time Joaquin Phoenix admitted his stupid Casey Affleck documentary is a mockumentary? His diving into the audience to fight someone in Miami at 2am this morning is the dumbest celebrity story since the last one we ran about Paris Hilton, whatever that was.

We reported on this sex scandal at a Jersey high school, but the Rolling Stone story (via the Times Online) is essential reading.

Anne Heche gave birth to a boy with another lover we won't be able to remember.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Did Barbara Walters Out Whoopi Goldberg?

A Date With Jeremy Piven is a Very Bad Thing

Sloppy Seconds: Nicky Hilton Takes the Law Into Her Own Hands

While You Were Sleeping: Westboro Stoops To New Low...

Sloppy Seconds: Nicky Hilton Takes the Law Into Her Own Hands

Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 00:26:00 GMT

What would Mickey Rourke have said had he won the Oscar? Probably that Marisa Tomei is awesome because "not that many girls can climb the pole, y'know?" [Vulture]

A 30-year-old aspiring male model committed suicide in Brooklyn's Prospect Park last week, after stating his intentions to do so on his Facebook page. [DailyIntel]

Ever wonder why boys (in general) don't like pink and girls (in general) do? If the results of a recent study are to be believed, it's because mens' and womens' brains respond differently to "beautiful" objects. Of course, the study was done with paintings and we're just guessing on the pink thing; we don't think pink is that beautiful, really. [Reuters]

What's in the water in this Brazilian town where 38 pairs of twins were born among about 80 families living in a one-and-a-half-square-mile area? [NYT]

We've always thought of citizen's arrest as this weird thing that people don't actually do. To the best of our knowledge, generally they don't. Unless, of course, they're Nicky Hilton. Surprisingly, we're left with only one question: what the hell was she doing at IHOP at 5 a.m.? [Us]

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Brazilian Synchronized Swimmers Are No Joke!

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 15:15:00 GMT

Let us introduce you to Bia and Bianca Feres. They are sisters on the Brazilian Olympic synchronized swimming team. They like tans, bikinis, posing for softcore photo shoots and breaking hearts. Also, they are painfully hot.

Don't believe us? Be prepared to eat your words and and your tears for breakfast.

And now the front

Historic Non-Event: Angelina Jolie Gives Birth To Twin Humanoids

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 15:42:00 GMT

More important than "who's the father," the question of the day is actually "did they continue the long-standing tradition of celebrities giving their kids unusual, even bizarre names?" The answer is a vigorously-nodded "yes."

First InTouch reported Saturday afternoon that sources at La Fondation Lenval Hospital in Nice, France, said Jolie had given birth to twin girls. They said Angie delivered by cesarean on Saturday at 6 p.m. and had two girls, one born at 6:45, the other at 7.

But -- and it was a pretty big but -- Extra reported that the twins had not been born. They quoted hospital spokeswoman Nadine Bauer as saying that the InTouch report was "false information."

The spokeswoman insisted that journalists would not be notified "within minutes after the birth" and that the only way they would be told was by a press release posted on the hospital website.

Then Us Weekly said that French newspaper Nice-Matin had reported that Jolie had delivered a boy... and a girl.... They said Jolie gave birth shortly before 8 p.m. via cesarean section.

We really didn't need to know all that, but wouldn't it have been great if Brad and Angelina (we refuse to combine their first names-- fuck the New York Post culture) kept this back and forth going for weeks until people stopped caring or even believing the couple had any kids at all.

Now, here's the fun part: Can you guess which combination makes up the actual names of their twins?

a) Raven Bertrand and Haven James

b) Nadine Reade and Nathaniel Maximus

c) Lara Sage and Homer James Pitt

d) Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline

The answer is...

Jolie... delivered a boy named Knox Leon and a girl named Vivienne Marcheline... each twin weigh[ing] about 5 pounds.

Via the LA Times.

Sloppy Seconds: Identical Twins Marry

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 21:30:00 GMT

If you've been waiting for Janet Jackson to finally dump "longtime love" Jermaine Dupri... well, keep waiting.

Donald Trump sure knows how to pick him. At least when it comes to models. As for co-hosts on his reality show, we have to question the choice of Heather Mills, for any reason.

Boy George can't get a visa. Maybe that's why he wants Obama to be President.

Remember the undiscovered Amazon tribe some annoying photographers in a helicopter discovered? Who was the the reader who called bullshit on it?

When we saw this headline, we were really worried that it was to each other: Identical Twins Wedding. Yeah, uh, the grooms must have been thrilled with each other-- wait, is this my wife your dancing with? I'm not sure, they're both in white wedding dresses. Oh well, you have this one for life, I'll run off with the other one... etc. etc.

The worst story of the week, for sure. But we hadn't heard about the 50-100 adults who were watching the alleged sex shows performed by five-year-old's in Texas. We're hoping, based on some sort of bizarre hope for "sanity" that it was just a few creepy "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" type giggling crazies who were behind this. Scary.

Busted: Identical Twin Gay Porn Stars

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 13:30:00 GMT

Apparently, porn doesn't pay very much these days. Philly porn stars and identical twin bro's were busted last week for a string of cat burglaries in which they used an ax and saw to get into a Rite Aide and local beauty parlor.

Their other exploits are far more interesting, however:

Philly.com reported that police spotted Taleon engaged in acrobatic displays at an apartment complex. After that, Taleon reportedly began dealing drugs, and officers arrested him for possession of crack and a firearm.

However, Taleon gave officers the slip by smashing out a window with a head-butt and then exiting their vehicle, still shackled with handcuffs, He then dove into a pond, said Clementon, N.J. Chief of Police Dave Kunkel.

They've committed more than 40 robberies in the NJ-PA area, although this is apparently the first time they've been caught committing a break-in. Speaking of break-in's, porn producers across the country have been trying to reach the fab duo, hoping to break them into the business. Erik Schut of TLA entertainment was quoted as exclaiming: "Two incredibly beautiful black men and twins-- it’s unprecedented."

[Photo and link via Edge LA.]

Sloppy Seconds: Paris Hilton Gets By With a Little Help from Reality TV

Emily Farris — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 22:33:00 GMT

Is Paris Hilton engaged to Good Charlotte guitarist Benji Madden (who is also the brother of her ex-bf Nicole's husband Joel)? Anyone want to take bets on how long it will last?

Maybe Paris knows it won't last. She's looking for new BFF in her new reality show.

In the ongoing saga of celebrities fake fucking eachother and making music videos about it, Elizabeth Banks is fucking Seth Rogen. And we can't get the video to load. Can you?

Are you sitting down? Do you have a paper bag near by? OK, well, we hate to be the ones to tell you, but those profiles of women on adult networking sites—they're fake.

Porn star twin brothers were arrested in Philadelphia last week on burlary charges.

Sloppy Seconds: The Good, The Bad and The Skinny

Emily Farris — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 21:23:00 GMT

Would you really be all that surprised if Amy Winehouse wasn't really all that clean?

Let us be the last to tell you that JLo popped out twins, and will make $6 million from their first pictures.

Hillary Clinton is a fan of hot peppers, they keep her going. Maybe that's why she's looking so thin lately.

Is Jezebel, by way of Cosmopolitan, trying to kill you? No, they're just fessing up to the stupid shit we've all done to lose weight. Cosmo might still be trying to kill you, though. We hear the Amy Winehouse diet is working pretty well.

Call Waiting With Bobby Tisdale: Angelina Jolie and Her Womb

Bobby Tisdale — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 20:29:00 GMT

Great News! Angelina Jolie is pregnant again. This time with twins! I was lucky to grab Angie for a few seconds as she walked to her car after her visit with "the doctor."

BOBBY: Angelina Jolie! Congrates on the news! You’re having twins! And a little birdy told me is was all made possible because of Brad Pitt’s sperm!

ANGELINA: How do you know this? I just found out five minutes ago that I was pregnant.

BOBBY: (Placing a fake goatee on my chin) Who do you think was rubbing the ultrasound lube all over that beautiful stomach of yours?

ANGELINA: (shocked) That was YOU!? I… I…

Angela pulls out her phone and gets Bradley on the horn.

ANGELINA: Bradley!... You’re not gonna believe this, honey-

BOBBY: (screaming) We’re having twins!

Angelina shoots me an “eat-a-vile-of-shit” look. She runs to her car.

ANGELINA: Yes! We’re having twins!... Who was that screaming?... Oh, some cute guy that lubed up my stomach for the ultrasound…

Angelina stops at her car. As she fumbles for her keys, I get one last question in.

BOBBY: What are you gonna name your new babies?… I think you should name one Africa and the other one, South Africa… KIDDING! Although I think you might be just crazy enough to do something like that.

Angelina randomly hands me her phone.

ANGELA: Here, talk to Bradley for a second while I find the right key.

BOBBY: (Nervous) Wha- what? Sure, ummm. (into the phone) Hello? Is this Bradley Pitt?... Fine, thank you… Really? You read my other blogs?...

Angelina finds her key and opens the car door. She snatches the phone from my hand.

ANGELINA: Thanks for holding that for me… Oh, one last thing-

She kicks me in the head, dropping me to the ground in an instant.

So there you go. Another great interview.

(Ed Note: This is about as real as The Hills)

[Image via CelebrityCouples.net]

Scanner Highs and Lows: His You Know What is Too Small

Emily Farris — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 21:47:00 GMT

It was a busy week here at Scanner. We got a new URL, we thought a lot about boobs (big ones! Jessica Alba's!), we found some new furniture, and unfortunately, a few people died. Anyway, we're spent. But in case you missed any of it, here's a recap of Scanner's highs and lows for the week of January 14.

Highs:

Scanner now takes it from the front and back.

Abortion rates are lower than they've been in 30 years. Good news, even though we don't know why.

Jessica Alba's new rack.

We finally found the perfect spot from which to blog.

And if that doesn't work, this should do just fine.

We crushed hard on double amputees.

Lows:

Apple's new MacBook Air didn't measure up. (Scanner Emily likes it a little bigger.)

This should probably be a high, but since it was a low for him, Tom Cruise's C.R.A.Z.Y. Scientologist video.

We found out the twins-who-married story was probably just a bix hoax to push a conservative agenda.

And that Britney's breakdown may be a hoax to cover up a military agenda.

Brad Renfro died at the young age of 25.

Anna Wintour called Hillary Clinton "mannish." And it made Scanner Emily sad.

Hold the DNA! Is the Twins Who Married Story a New Urban Legend?

Emily Farris — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 20:17:00 GMT

Remember last Friday when Scanner Bryan brought us the story of the twins who were separated at birth and later married? It was Scanner Bryan, an adoptee's, worst fucking nightmare. Did anyone have a hard time buying the story even though it came from the BBC News, a supposedly reputable news source? Yeah, us neither. How easily fooled we are by media corporations.

Maybe.

Critics are beginning to question the story's credibility, after the subjects refused to reveal their identities (fair enough) and it was used to push the agenda of a conservative activist politician (all to common, yet sketchy):

The Catholic politician -- who discovered the case after talking to a judge -- used it to highlight perceived deficiencies in the government's proposed Human Embryology and Tissues Bill, which is currently going through parliament.

The bill is designed to make it easier for lesbian and gay couples to have children through assisted reproduction, recognising same-sex partners as legal parents of babies conceived through donated sperm, eggs or embryos.

But it contains no provision to require the identity of the donor to be disclosed, potentially meaning a child could not be told they were conceived by assisted reproduction.

Alton raised the case of the married twins -- who were born after IVF treatment -- during a debate on December 10, details of which only appeared on Friday.

"There are implications for everybody involved, but the needs of the child will always be paramount, and it is right that we should therefore make the process as transparent as possible," Alton told the Lords.

Dad always told us, "Don't believe everything you read, no matter where you read it." True dat, Daddy-O.

[Heresy Corner via BoingBoing]