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What Country Has The Most Women Wearing DD Bras?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 18:10:00 GMT

We're betting you were going to guess "the United States of America" right off the bat. Don't.

According to a variety of sources, the average bra in the US is a B Cup, more specifically a 34B. (In a widely circulated survey in 2005, Americans were found to be wearing more B cups than C cups, 44% to 28%, and more A cups than D cups, 15% to 10%.)

If you were going to say the United Kingdom has the most double D's, guess again...

The winner of our unofficial and unscientific survey is... Australia!

Up to 40 per cent of Australian women now buy bras with a cup size of DD or higher, new figures from lingerie suppliers show.

In the 1950s, the most common bra-cup size was a B - three sizes less than a DD.

Modern breasts are getting so large that some bra companies have introduced cup sizes as high as K, The Sunday Telegraphreports.
...sales of DD-plus bras have grown from about 20 per cent of sales to 28 per cent in just five years.

The best line of the whole story explains that boobs are growing because of The Pill and artificial hormones... but, of course, because of obesity, as well. If that's the case, we have to wonder why the World's Fattest Country hasn't enlarged its average cup size.

Meanwhile, a local surgeon says his breast reduction schedule has doubled in recent years.

"There's no question that because the population is bigger their breasts are bigger as well, because it's all fatty tissue.

"As women get older the amount of fatty tissue increases, and also the proportion of fat increases."

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This Week in Gayness: Fred Phelps Attacks London

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 15:01:00 GMT

Australia is regressing into the past more and more every day: in addition to proposing a block on all terrorism-related websites (what, they don't have journalists in that country?), they want to block a lot of gay content.

John Kerry wants to reunite a gay couple. The Massachusetts Senator asked Attorney General Eric Holder to bring back a deported Brazilian man who was raped in his home country. A federal judge had said the rape was basically no big deal and he faced no danger in South America.

Rascal Flatts is telling people their new single, "Love Who You Love," has a pro-gay message.

A London elementary school has been teaching students that it's okay to have homosexual feelings and relationships. The best part of this is that when parents pull their kids from the school to avoid them hearing the lessons, the kids are marked truant. Of course, Fred Phelps heard about this and is bringing the Westboro Baptist Church over there to mess with them.

A federal judge ordered the state of Louisiana to put the names of both adopted fathers on a baby's birth certificate.

Chuck Schumer has finally come out... to back same-sex marriage.

And meanwhile, the Vermont Senate turned their gay civil unions into gay marriages. Woo-hoo!

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PETA Celebrates Mother's Day With Caged Pregnant Ladies

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 20:59:00 GMT

It was Mother's Day in the UK yesterday-- we guess Britain's Hallmark division couldn't wait any longer.

PETA hired or acquired a trio of pregnant ladies in London to do their dirty work... and by dirty work, we mean the literal kind. PETA asked the women to remain in a small cage for an undetermined length of time, their only movements to be crawling around on all fours. We're guessing it's not really harmful to the unborn to do this, although isn't it utterly freezing in the UK this week?

Jamie Oliver was also attacked last week for supporting "inhumane" pig farming in the UK. PETA stated: "The answer to saving pigs is not to buy British pork, it's to go vegetarian."

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eBay Removes Kerry Katona's Breast Implant

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 17:04:00 GMT

Kerry Katona did two things right: one, she went on MTV in the UK and had her 34-double-G's removed. Those fake boobs were ridiculous and very unattractive (to our minds.)

The second thing she did was even more inspired-- she autographed one of those implants and put it on eBay for The Breast Cancer Campaign...

According to Fox News, which we will quote from here so you don't have to give them any of your page views, eBay then did the dumbest thing imaginable: it pulled the auction.

"The implant was on eBay and I believe the idea was to raise money for Breast Cancer Campaign," a rep for the charity told Tarts. "However eBay have now taken the item off because people were putting fake bids in, £8 million ($11.34 million US) at one point."

But according to eBay it wasn’t bogus bidders that resulted in the item being removed, it was actually Katona who broke the rules.

"Our policy team weighed in and said that this auction was removed for the Charity Violation contained within the item description as there was no letter of written consent by eBay's Office of the President to allow the item to be sold under our Charity guidelines," an eBay rep told Tarts.

Oh, shut up, eBay. You're just a bunch of conservative whimps that always side with the ripoff artists when they claim to have never received expensive items from honest sellers. And your conservative founder is running to further ruin the state of California as a Republican governor. eBay, you should know, we have negative feedback to give you.

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Whoops-- Maybe The Sex Patch Isn't The Greatest Thing Since Sex Itself...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 23:30:00 GMT

Procter & Gamble's much-publicized Intrinsa sex patch was rejected by the Food & Drug Administration five years ago for several reasons.

The fact that a sexual device was not approved by the American government should come as no surprise, but perhaps the Brits should have taken note of the FDA's reasoning.

Intrinsa, a testosterone patch for postmenopausal women, is designed to combat sexual dysfunction and has been available in Europe for several years, according to Reuters. But until now, there was little sign of danger. Minor side effects had been reported and the most serious concern we'd heard is that Instrinsa was failing to provide any sort of positive effect-- sort of like your average Viagra knockoff available for $12 per 100mg's on the internet.

Recently, The Drug and Therapeutics Bulletin reported on these recent studies and found that "the long term safety of the treatment is unknown. Unwanted side effects are common and not always reversible. For all these reasons, we cannot recommend Intrinsa for use in women with sexual dysfunction."

Guess we're back to the drawing board on solving female sexual dysfunction... although the jury's still out on whether Cialis or Viagra are living up to their hype at the other end of the spectrum...

Photo via this link.

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New Female Railway Uniforms Are A Tid Bit Nipply

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 21:12:00 GMT

The Sun took a peek at the controversial new female uniform for National Express's East Coast line in England, where people still ride trains because they're cool. What they found will shock you... especially if the uniform turns out to look anything like this...

The Daily Mail has a more believable story, one that doesn't, um, describe the uniform as well as the above photo, but comes mighty close to giving credence to the unreliable Sun:

Women railway workers are refusing to wear new uniforms because they are too see-through, it was revealed today.
Female staff on National Express's East Coast line between London and Edinburgh said the new blouses were too thin and 'left little to the imagination' of passengers.
The Transport Salaried Staffs Association said its members had sent the blouses back to the company and demanded new ones which were not see-through.

With the way the world is turning, it's possible we'll see nude Hooters servers and shirtless Chippendale's parking valets any day now...

Via the Daily Mail.

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Naked Man Takes Over the Tate

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 14:47:00 GMT

Have you ever noticed that museums host an assortment of paintings and photos of nude women, but hardly any of men?

These noble internet troublemakers noticed...

An image of a naked delivery driver from Newcastle has been projected onto the side of Tate Britain in a bid to break the taboo of showing the male form.

But the stunt is not the product of the art establishment, 25-year-old Neill Richardson was dared to show off his body on a bragging website.

He sent in the picture - displaying his tattoos and behind - and it was (somehow) picked as the 'best' and projected 50ft tall onto the side of the famous art gallery. [Newslite]

While their intentions may not have been as heroic as some might suggest (they weren't out to "break the taboo" any more than they wanted to top a similar prank from 1999 that projected a naked Gail Porter onto the backside of Parliament), at least now people in the art world are discussing that controversial subject: the nude male form and the unspoken conservative suppression of it.

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Repeat Teen Abortions on the Rise, Birth Control Still Despised By Right-Wingers

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 19:06:00 GMT

On a day when Democrats (including President Obama) agreed to drop Federal funding for birth control from the stimulus bill, a new study was released in Britain indicating a huge spike in repeat abortions by teenage girls...

Among the findings, according to the Daily Mail:

In England in 2007, almost 6,000 girls, teenage or younger, had their second, third, or fourth abortions; that's about double the figure for the same study conducted in 1991. The Mail attributes some of this behavior to underage boozing marathons i.e. binge drinking, but we have to wonder if there's any correlation between this and the rise in the number of teenagers calling themselves "Christians." Just asking.

The number of abortions performed on teenage girls who have had at least one before has risen by almost 70 per cent since 1991, fuelling fears that terminations are being carried out for lifestyle reasons.

Abortions in the UK have reached record levels - almost 200,000 a year in England and Wales
[R]epeat terminations carried out on teenagers rose by 68 per cent in 16 years
'I think that young women who have had one abortion fall into two camps.
'There is one that understands the ongoing consequences and another that (is) very cavalier and hardened about it and have entered a phase of regarding it as a backup method of contraception.

Meanwhile, the story's righthand column focuses on the sex lives of Royals, whether it's okay for teenage lovers to sleep in the same bedroom, and an article titled: "Mummy, why have you got boobs on your back? How one woman was shocked into dieting." Again, we're just mentioning it.

Via the Daily Mail.

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Yes, Ma'am(aries)! Royal Army Corproal Busted For Moonlighting As Expensive Hooker

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 19:38:00 GMT

Hooker Roxi Llewelyn advertised her stats: 32E breasts... 21-years-old... Englander... interested in being the rented sex object of both men and women... oh, and she's a a junior NCO/Lance Corporal in the Royal Military Police...

Whoops. Her Majesty's military want to have a word with her about that last part.

Rebecca Smith (yeah, we prefer "Roxi Llewelyn") charged dudes and ladies one hundred British pounds per hour for her services*, including "spanking and bondage" and "15 minute quickies," which she advertised over the internet. Once considered the most promising candidate in her class, Smith was booted from her military cop gig after a nosy superior caught her using an official computer to respond to fan comments on her racy website, which we have been unable to track down:

One message left by a punter hailed her as “gorgeous”. Another thanked her for the “nice time”. [The Sun]

We should amend that to read: Smith may have been booted from her military cop gig, but obviously, her admirers will forgive her...

*actually, 100 quid an hour is nothing compared to Ashley Alexandra Dupre.

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This Blog Has Been Rated NC-17

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 15:14:00 GMT

See why after the jump.

As Emily noted in yesterday's Sloppy Seconds, some idiots over in the UK (rapidly become the near-police state we have across the pond) think it's wise to give blogs ratings. If so, we'll circulate a petition saying every blog will agree to rate themselves XXX, rendering the internet entirely useless for most people until a law is passed abolishing the ratings.

We've always hated the concept of blog, movie, or even video game ratings (for one thing, way to give away what we're going to see-- "Rated R for strong graphic violence and sexual content" and there hasn't been any of that in the first forty minutes? Well, we know how this is all going to wrap up, see?) However, we were unable to resist One Plus You's attempt to rank blogs in advance.

Here's how Scanner stacked up:

So, wouldn't a religious (wacko's) site railing against pornography, abortion, and women actually enjoying sex be NC-17 as well? Gotta love indiscriminate censorship...

Blonde-Redhead Muslim Woman Sues Bar Over (Conservative) Red Dress

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 21:41:00 GMT

It took everything in our being not to make Fata Lemes our Crush of the Week. She is without a doubt a perfect female specimen: reddish-blond hair, beautiful, European, classy, and unwavering in her convictions.

Of course, we refrained from insulting her in this fashion because her existence came to our attention because she is suing a Mayfair, U.K. establishment for making her way a rather conservative piece of attire, which she claims insults her religion and amounts to sexual harassment. Oh, and it didn't help that the customers regularly propositioned her with money-for-sex offers, an arrangement which the management may have been in on...

Here's the dress ~~the Love Of Our Lives~~ Ms. Lemes refused to wear:

Hardly revealing... unless, of course, you're a religious person, as Ms. Lemes certainly is. Lemes is a Muslim and, oddly enough, the owners saw no warning signs ahead in hiring such a conservative person for their admittedly "upscale Hooters" joint. Now they're about to be out 20,000 pounds plus lawyer's fees, assuming Lemes wins her lawsuit against them.

She chose a loose-fitting black shirt and trousers but said that on her second shift she was approached by two customers who told her they were looking for 'a blonde Scandinavian or Swedish girl for one or more nights'.
She said: 'It was obvious that they thought that I was Scandinavian. I politely refused the offer.

'I was offended by that offer. I considered the company must be indicating to guests that the bar was the type of bar where they could make sexual offers to staff.' [We didn't realize there were bars where customers didn't make passes at staff members, but okay...]

A few days later she was ordered to wear the red dress. [Daily Mail]

What do you think?

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Teacher Sex Craze Spreads to the U.K.

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 19:15:00 GMT

47% of all public school teachers working in the United States have had sex with a student or another teacher since 1997, according to an informal study we just made up.

And like a halfway scary Dario Argento movie from 1976, it's spreading like a sexual plague to other countries...

The Sutton Guardian reported on two teachers at Carshalton College, a school near London (at least on the world map) who skipped out on a school assembly to have sex in a classroom. Not a big deal, right? The fact that they were caught by a student and reported-- still not a big deal. The fact that they were both committing adultery-- getting warmer...

The real story here isn't that the school sex(ual revolution) phenomenon is invading England, it's that after the teachers were busted the first time, they simply hightailed it across the hall and restarted their shenanigans in another classroom, where they were busted again, this time by a third teacher, who obviously felt he/she was missing out.

A great ending to this story would've been that all three teachers were busted for a classroom menage a trois, although we're confident one of those will turn up soon enough... Great Britain...

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Woman Nearly Forced Into Marriage Escapes To Britain

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 00:01:00 GMT

Not all forced marriages (i.e. parent-endorsed sexual slavery) end in miserable lifetimes for brides and/or grooms.

Sometimes, with the help of less ass-backwards friends and judges, bachelor(ettes) actually escape...

Today's story comes to us from Bangladesh, by way of the United Kingdom, the two homes of Humayra Abedin, a Bangladeshi-born doctor who recently graduated from Leeds University. Before she was able to obtain a position in her chosen field, she received news from back home that her mother was gravely ill. Once there, she either realized it was a trap to force her into marrying a local or, somehow and at some point, the family decided to hold her there against her will.

Luckily, Abedin was able to send word to a friend in England that her parents were holding her against her will and asking for help escaping the situation. As more and more people are refusing arranged marriages, the UK has reported a tremendous spikes in these kinds of distress calls. The interesting part is that, for the first time, the courts are siding with the victims.

But campaigners and the government say forced marriage remains significantly under-reported and the problem is more widespread than the figures suggest.
In the most serious cases kidnapping and sexual, physical and mental abuse are involved. In some instances victims have even been murdered. [BBC]

At least in this case, thanks to pressure from the British judicial system, the court in Bangladesh allowed Ms. Abedin to return to London, even scolding the parents and warning them that if they further meddled in their daughter's love life, they would be met with severe punishment. Yay!

Via various wire sources.

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Vicar Happened to Be Naked When He Fell On the Potato... With His Ass

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 14:03:00 GMT

For some reason, this incredible news story escaped our attention. Maybe because it was published on a day we had more important things to worry about...

On Halloween, the Telegraph published a story that began:

A vicar attended hospital with a potato stuck up his bottom - and claimed it got there after he fell on to the vegetable while naked.
The clergyman, in his 50s, told nurses he had been hanging curtains when he fell backwards on to his kitchen table.
He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap, said the vicar, who insisted he had not been playing a sex game.
The vicar had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the vegetable, one of a range of odd items medics in
Sheffield have had to remove from people's backsides or genitals.
Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll – and a carnation.

Wait, stop right there. We can understand the cucumber (obviously), the deodorant (shapely), even the carnation (we never thought of flowers as automatically phallic or even stimulating, but to each his own-- and you know the carnation incident was a "his"), but how in the Christ-- pardon my language, vicar-- do you fit a Russian doll up your ass?! Was it just the doll's arm? If so, it's an inflatable arm... how could that have been enjoyable? All that plastic and air?

Look at that. The Telegraph's bizarrely unfinished reportage caused us to be distracted from what should have been the lead heard 'round the world: A RELIGIOUS FIGURE STUFFED AN UNCOOKED (?) POTATO UP HIS OWN ASS, THEN CLAIMED HE FELL ON IT WHILE IT HAPPENED TO BE STANDING STRAIGHT UP ON A TABLE, THEREFORE FITTING INSIDE HIS TIGHT BUTTHOLE.

See that's the part that gets us-- his cover story might almost be believable in a giving-him-the-benefit-of-the-doubt sort of way, but he still can't explain why, if the potato was laying on a table, it was able to fit head-first in his bunghole.

Image: We don't remember where we found it, but we've been trying to use it in a story for ages. Our apologies if you were expected a potato there and are very disappointed...

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Adorable Cat Wants To Rob You Blind

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 15:12:00 GMT

Frankie is a two-year-old black cat (oh, God, don't start in on that superstitious shit) in Swindon, England who has a collection of stolen goods to rival your average celebrity garbologist.

The Daily Telegraph reports on this strange phenom:

Julie, 52, said: 'Frankie looks very pleased with himself when he comes in with these presents.
'He's been going out of the house and coming back with all these toys for pretty much as long as he's been allowed out.

'They're all soft toys for cats I think. About 15 of them are all the same leopard. He doesn't really play with them. He dumps them down and goes out looking for something else.'

In the past year alone Frankie's haul has included teddy bears, leopards and a giant squeaky beefburger.
Now Julie has plastered her home town of Swindon with posters to try and trace the rightful owners.

Seeing as how we're guilty of this ourselves, we'd place top dollar on the idea that all these "stolen goods" are actually gifts from neighbors currying favor with the cute lil' puss.

Via the Telegraph.

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If The Casting Director Asks You To Remove Your Clothes, It May Be A Porn Audition

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 18:23:00 GMT

Or, in the case of these three women in the UK, if the casting director plays you a video of people having hardcore sex you're either a) auditioning for a porno or b) auditioning for a porno and should take off running before you get jumped...

Equity claims to have received numerous complaints about a production company that calls women in for an audition, ostensibly for a new comedy series with risque humor, then makes them watch pornos and asks them if they "don't mind a little cock and balls in their faces." Umm... isn't this sexual harassment?

Or a bad episode of Casting Cough or First Time Porn Auditions? (You know, compared to the usual really bad episodes?)

One actress reacts: "I thought they were getting us to sign this in case we, as actors, felt uncomfortable seeing the guy's front while the camera saw his back. They had planted a seed in our minds that it was like Little Britain, which does have nudity. They sold it as risque comedy, but clean at heart."

And another: "In my mind, it was hardcore pornography. To say this is comedy is just ludicrous. This would not be aired on any terrestrial channel."

What are you talking about, this isn't comedy? Have you seen an episode of First Time Porn Auditions? That's the very definition of comedy, people...

Quotes via the Telegraph.

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More Nude Rugby Calendar Dudes For The Holidays

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 16:42:00 GMT

We'll always blog about nude rugby players and their calendars, particularly if the calendars are a charitable endeavor...

In an age when young starlets take their clothes off in a surefire attempt at jump-starting their careers, we should be ignoring them and pay more attention to people like the men of the Gloucester and Westbury-on-Severn rugby squads, both of which agreed to pose for arty black-and-white pinup shots, with no monetary or career-boosting awards whatsoever.

Check out the two photos that have been sent out to the press. The first is of a Gloucester team member named Andy Hazell (any relation to Keeley?); the second, butt shots of the Westbury boys:

We have no idea where one might be able to purchase these calendars, so if you have that info, please pass it along and we'll share it here.

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The 15 Most Promiscuous Countries

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 15:18:00 GMT

USA! USA! USA!

Not this time... and that's a welcome change. After all, aren't you beyond bored with the perennial sex surveys that trash our Puritan nation's filthy, condom-buying pervs? Not this time: suck it, Australia, Germany, and the rest!

But not literally, of course, since we're prudes compared to you guys...

Here are the Top 15, according to research published in this week's New Scientist by a professor at Bradley University:

1. United Kingdom

2. Germany

3. Netherlands

4. Czech Republic

5. Australia

6. USA

7. France

8. Turkey

9. Mexico

10. Canada

11. Italy

12. Poland

13. Spain

14. Greece

15. Portugal

The survey queried 14,000 people in 48 countries on their life's worth of sex partners and one night stands, plus a respondent's general attitude toward casual sex and getting it on in general. Particularly interesting is this excerpt from a story about this story in the Times:

The high scores in many Baltic and eastern European states might be linked, Schmitt said, to the fact that women outnumber men and so are under more pressure to conform to what men want in order to find a mate. In Asian countries, by contrast, men tend to outnumber women slightly, so it is men who have to conform.

That doesn't sound very scientific to us, but we'll take it...

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Sloppy Seconds: Flavor of the Week

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 23:36:00 GMT

Who the hell wants to steal used sex toys? Oh, right: weirdos.

A drunk driver led police on a high-speed chase and after trying to escape from the scene, somehow running over both his legs with his own truck. You just have to read this one.

Even better: almost two dozen people were arrested for underage drinking at a party celebrating the life of a person who died from... underage drinking.

Twilight star Kristen Stewart was photographed smoking pot in front of her house. That's not going to help with her image.

Barack Obama and Sarah Palin will meet (for the first time!) next week.

We can picture it now: the new CBS show "The Psychic Dog." An Ohio police dog bit a man who is accused of dogfighting.

Weirdest concert pairing ever? Jay-Z and Coldplay are teaming up to do three shows in the U.K. next year.

And Scanner Emily herself is the subject of the most recent Flavor of the Week in the New York Press. For the gory details, click here. Personally, we're just glad we were too busy eating casseroles to get caught up in the drama.

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The English Are Still Too Prudish To Appreciate Nudity

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 19:11:00 GMT

Based on the public outcry surrounding a university student's nude photo in a collegiate newspaper, some Brits are clearly in possession of long-dormant puritanical streaks.

The unnamed 21-year-old blond from Homerton College, wearing lingerie sans top, posed for the third page of Vivid Magazine, an anonymous Cambridge University publication, apparently a riff on the Sun's regular feature of Page 3 Girls...

Unfortunately, no fully nude photos have leaked onto the web, but we do have a blurry one for you:

"I can't believe she agreed to pose for the magazine. Everyone has been talking about it. I'm sure she must really regret it now."
"Lots of students and professors have seen this. It's a very risky thing to do when you are studying at one of the top universities in the country." [News Locale]

People, we shouldn't wonder whether this kind of thing will hurt her academic career. We should be celebrating the fact that she had the guts to go topless in a magazine that only her fellow academics would read. To be able to hold your head up and not care what these people think after a stunt like this is a very valuable life goal...

Photos via Hotties in the News.

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Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 15:29:00 GMT

Someone should really get us a subscription to the Sun for Christmas because it has really become our go-to publication for insane and highly unbelievable news stories.

Today, the highly disreputable publication brings us the story of Calvin Muteesa, aged two, who has been taking up to six Viagra a day since he was three months old...

Calvin has pulmonary arterial hypertension, a rare condition which means his blood pressure is dangerously high. This starves his lungs of oxygen-rich blood.
The youngster struggles for breath and his heart has to work twice as hard to force blood to his lungs. Viagra relaxes his pulmonary artery, which carries blood to the lungs, and allows more blood and oxygen through.

Turns out that Calvin only began consuming the anti-impotence drug as a last resort-- a nurse offhandedly suggested it to the boy's mother, who realized that it might help with Calvin's blood flow issues.

Of course, it need not be mentioned that this is not a story that could ever happen in America. Most insurance companies don't cover Viagra (for anyone) and a few pills can run upwards of one hundred dollars by prescription. Universal healthcare anyone?

Via the Sun. Photo via.

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Sloppy Seconds: Prostitution Is Now Rape in the U.K.?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 22:23:00 GMT

The Frisky points us to a study that determined that Playboy Playmates get "older, heavier, and taller" in these, um, lean times.

Tom Jones spent the day busking for charity. Unfortunately, he would have raised more money by auctioning off a pair of tighty-whities.

Our hero of the day: a woman was robbed of the purse containing her green card. At the risk of great personal safety, she did what again?

A feisty Harlem woman turned the tables on three subway muggers, chasing down two of the thugs while snatching back her purse - because it had her green card in it, cops said yesterday.
As she continued to grab at the muggers, they decided they had enough. One of them begged Conde to let go of his accomplice.

"Leave him alone!" the thug cried out. "He's my friend!"

The gang gave up and ran away, leaving the purse on the ground. [NY Post]

Speaking of dumb robbers, this guy may be the dumbest ever: he robbed a convenience store, his stolen getaway vehicle broke down, and the taxi took him right back to where he started, where he was promptly arrested.

If you have sex with a prostitute who was human trafficked to the U.K., you could be charged with rape under a new law. Quite rightly: if a guy knows a hooker is being held against her will, he should do serious hard time. Didn't you guys ever see Lilya-4-Ever?

And as the world readies for the imminent release of Chinese Democracy, MTV looks back at Axl's finest hours.

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The Second Life Divorce Gets Funnier After The Split

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 15:49:00 GMT

"Dave Barmy" is seen here with his actual/virtual mistress.

A nerdtastic couple in the UK is going through a divorce, thanks to the wife walking in on the husband with a "homewrecker" of a Second Life character.

We thought the story would end there, with the delusional nerd thinking it was worth losing a marriage for an online cuddle, but then the wife had to go and get involved with someone herself...

It turns out that "Dave Barmy," a.k.a. real life humanoid Dave Pollard, "cheated" in the online game by hiring a virtual prostitute (dude... we are speechless-- you're married in real life and you risk the end of your relationship by cheating... with a video game hooker?) And even though Pollard had no physical contact with another woman, spouse Amy Taylor called the online affair "the ultimate betrayal." Then Taylor decided not only to hire a virtual private investigator (!) for help with her divorce case, but to get a little action of her own:

Taylor was quoted by newspapers including The Guardian and The Times of London on Friday as saying she has found a new man in an alternative cyber universe, World of Warcraft.

Pollard says he is already virtually engaged and can't wait to marry his new fiance "in rl" -- short for "real life."

Good luck, kids.

Via Times and CBS.

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Today in the Apocalypse: Makeover Parties For Little Girls

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 15:07:00 GMT

Did you know more than thirty percent of ten-year-old girls worry about their body image? Did you just barf in your mouth a little?

Good, because now you're really in for it: makeover parties... for eight-year-olds...

A furious mother who, of course, prefaces her remarks in the Daily Mail by saying that she's not "prudish" (compared to what?), has something to say to these parents who want to make single-digit daughters into double-digit whores:

A few days ago, my eight-year-old daughter Bo came home from school with a bemused expression on her face. One of her friends was hosting a makeover party.
Bo instinctively knew that she would never have been allowed to attend. I was utterly appalled. Frankly, I would rather cut my left arm off than let my girls wear make-up.
I was horrified to discover that some mothers believe it's acceptable to invite little girls of seven and eight to a party for the sole purpose of having their hair and make-up done.

In the States, I know they offer body waxing for girls as young as seven.
With major supermarkets selling 'sexy' thongs for five-year-old girls or tops with provocative writing, our children are becoming objectified and sexualised well before their time. It's a paedophile's dream.

We knew about high heels for babies, but not about thongs for five-year-olds or (ewwwwwww) bikini waxes for kids. Is it time to make these things illegal-- obviously not the makeup party, which is just plain poor parenting and nothing more-- or what?

Via the Daily Mail.

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That Sex Toy Is... Pooooisssoooon

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 20:16:00 GMT

We've received a slew of tips for this one, from reader Elissar to former Nerve contributer James Frey (thanks all!), which shows you how alarmed people are.

It seems that Ann Summers, seller of sex toys and other goodies in UK stores, has recalled Chocolate-flavored body spreads and/or Chocolate-flavored penis and nipple spreads due to contaminated contents. The products are spiked with melamine, the same chemical that killed at least four Chinese babies in recent weeks, thanks to its inclusion in milk powder products. (No one is deliberately posioning anyone, at least we don't think so-- melamine, which is non-toxic in small amounts, is sometimes used illegally so products will pass protein requirements, among other less-nefarious reasons.)

The British Food Standards Agency (FSA) said melamine had been found in Chinese-made "I Love You" sets, sold at Ann Summers sex shops, containing chocolate and strawberry body pens and chocolate-flavoured penis and nipple spreads.

"This is a first. We've never had to put out an alert before on 'willy spread' -- chocolate-flavoured or otherwise," the FSA said on its Web site...

Via Reuters.

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U.S. Fighter Pilot Admits To Engaging U.F.O. In 1957

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 15:42:00 GMT

Is this a photo of a UFO... or a game of Ultimate Frisbee?

You may have noticed that we don't talk about UFOs or report sightings and other supposed evidence as news on Scanner.

However, when mainstream media outlets start running epic stories about Cold War-era pilots coming out of retirement to discuss shooting down alien spacecraft, it's time to explore...

"I shall never forget it," he told the Times. "On that night I was ordered to open fire even before I had taken off. That had never happened before."

That's retired American pilot Milton Torres talking about an incident in May 1957 when he was ordered to shoot down a UFO and told never, under penalty of treason, to discuss the incident with anyone. Torres, 77 and now living in Miami, is apparently no longer afraid of G-men... or aliens:

His story was among dozens of UFO sightings in defence ministry files released at the National Archives in London.

In a written account, Torres described how he scrambled his F-86 D Sabre jet in calm weather from the Royal Air Force base at Manston, Kent in May 1957.

"I was only a lieutenant and very much aware of the gravity of the situation. I felt very much like a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest," he said.

"The order came to fire a salvo of rockets at the UFO. The authentication was valid and I selected 24 rockets.

"I had a lock-on that had the proportions of a flying aircraft carrier," he added. "The larger the airplane, the easier the lock-on. This blip almost locked itself."

At the last moment, the object disappeared from the radar screen and the high-speed chase was called off.

He returned to base and was debriefed the next day by an unnamed man who "looked like a well-dressed IBM salesman."

UFO expert David Clarke noted that the object may have been the decoy in a Western program trying to test Soviet air capabilities... or a UFO. What do you think? Are these saucers from outer space or... weather balloons? Or what?

Via Yahoo/Reuters. The UK National Archives on UFOs can be found here.

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Transgender Rambo Goes On Rampage of Racism, Arson, and Harmless Fun

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 19:50:00 GMT

It's not nice to laugh at people who have mental problems, so we won't.

We'll just tell you what this nutty Brit did to earn herself a minimum three years in prison before even be "considered for parole..."

1) Joanne Spencer, who is reportedly a "gender reassignment patient," tried to burn down her apartment building after fighting with a neighbor.

2) Spencer answered the door when the police arrived "wearing combat gear and a gas mask and told police she would not come out and was wearing the mask so she would be killed by the flames rather than fumes."

3) Firefighters had to taser her to get her to leave.

4) When she returned to her apartment to pick up some of her things, she got spooked (the story isn't very clear here) and jumped into a taxi. She made racist remarks and threatened to go "Rambo" on the taxi driver with her hunting knife if he didn't drive her away, all while swinging the knife at his head.

5) She was taken down via "stun gun" this time.

The judge acknowledged Spencer's rough life but seemed completely oblivious to the fact that this person should be in a mental institution, not a prison. He sentenced her

indefinitely for public protection, and said it would be a minimum of three years before she would be considered for parole. [Yorkshire Evening Post]

What do you think? Was this deserved or do you have a better idea?

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Commercial Features Nothing But Bikini Girls On Pogo Sticks

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 19:12:00 GMT

This commercial has been airing across the pond in the UK for some time now, although no one's really sure what it is...

...until the end, we're guessing...

We're not sure if the tagline "This is a film about insurance" is on the original ad or not, but it makes it so much more ridiculous. This is a film? Hell, this isn't even an ad... unless Trident Insurance is really a redirect to the Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar mail order department...

Via Ad Gabber.

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Today in Sex Toys: The Shaver Vibrator

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 20:39:00 GMT

Sex toy manufacturer Touche calls this dual-action vibrator-shaver the Womaniser (ooh, touche.)

But what do the Brits who have already tried it out think of this strange new invention? The Womaniser, which lasts for about forty minutes per battery charge, has not gone over so well with Love Honey's customer reviewer:

It really is a case of form over function. The packaging is amazing, all sexy and black and sophisticated.The shaver and vibrator are at different ends and the shaver is hidden behind a ‘safety cap’. Now this is where we have our first problem. This is NOT a safety cap. It’s a lump of silicone with metal inside that loosely cover[s] the shaver. I spent ages trying to ‘click’ the cap shut, thinking I must be an idiot, but I have come to the decision that there is no mechanism to keep the top on. The shaver seems to snag the hair and is just not sharp enough when under cover of the comb. It can tidy you up a bit but no more than that.

Now onto the vibrator... the battery compartment and button stick out, there’s no way you can use this inside the vagina... it seems designed to be used as a g-spot stimulator as well, yet can’t be.

Crucially, she goes on (well, we're assuming it's a "she"), the vibrator fails as a masturbatory device as well, due to its weak vibrations. Apparently, setting your Nokia phone to shake and shimmy would be a better option. And, as we know from personal experience, since Nokia's tend to capture hair off our heads while we're talking, it might work as a shaver while we're self-satisfying, as well...

Via Love Honey UK.

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What Do 60% of Men Allegedly Trim?

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 19:36:00 GMT

Hint: It's not their ear hair.

In this Guardian column, the extremely British Charlie Brooker learns that 60% of men take a cuticle sissors to their pubes. Upon finding out, he is more than a little insecure about his own wild mane down under:

If the majority of other men genuinely spend hours hoisting their scrotum over the bathroom sink with one hand, nail scissors in the other, meticulously snipping and pruning their man-bush into a tiny ornamental hedge, until their entire pubic region resembles a tranquil arboretum in miniature, albeit one with a cheerful bit of dick poking out of it, then maybe all my ex-girlfriends have been secretly revolted by my comparatively slovenly lower appearance. Did they think I was some sort of wild hobo?

But, oh, sweet relief, it turns out the "survey" that fact was based on is too small to offer definitive proof that 60% of men actually do prune the hedges.

Fortunately, it seems no pubic-hair memo has been issued at all: on closer inspection, the "survey" that threw up the 60%-trim rating had only asked 50 men, with no indication of how representative these 50 men were. They could've been male strippers. Or indie Camden eyeliner types whose black jeans are so tight, they have to shave their minges off just to do up their flies. I wouldn't put anything past those twats. They probably don't have human-size testicles anyway.

So what's up with it, dudes? Is Charlie's disbelief justified, or should he head straight for the clippers? Do you trim, or
let it grow wild and free? And if you are trimming, do you have human-size testicles?