Scanner : valentine's day

Sloppy Seconds: Bristol Palin's New Gig

Emily Farris — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 23:33:00 GMT

Hey, Scanner Brian: Hayden Panettiere is single again. [Us]

Think your man might be a closeted homo? Take this super-reliable, scientific quiz to find out for sure! [MyDailyMoment]

A book written early in J.R.R. Tolken's career is about to be published for the first time. [Yahoo!]

Suze Orman had only one wish on Valentine's Day: that gay marriage be legalized. [AfterEllen]

Bristol Palin would now like to be an advocate, um, like, against teen pregnancy. "I wish [getting pregnant] would happen in like 10 years so I could have a job and an education and be, like, prepared and have my own house and stuff. ... I hope that people learn from my story and just, I dunno, prevent teen pregnancy I guess." [Slate]

Is Bristol Palin now Bristol Palin-Johnston?

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

We Will Totally Crap Our Pants if Bristol Palin Pops Out a Mixed Race Baby

This Week in Gayness: How to Tell Your Boyfriend Is Closeted

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Salma Hayek Has Completed the Fameball Trifecta

Emily Farris — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 21:08:00 GMT

One: Salma Hayek rocks 30 Rock as Alec Baldwin's love interest.

Two: Salma Hayek lets an African baby suckle her ample teet.

Three: Salma Hayek marries her baby daddy and French millionaire, Francois-Henri Pinault, on Valentine's Day.

According to French magazine Le Point, as translated by People.com, Hayek, 42, married Francois-Henri Pinault, 46, on Saturday (Valentine’s Day) in the City Hall of the Sixth Arrondissement in central Paris, which is owned by Pinault’s family.

Well played, Salma.

Related:

Salma Hayek Breastfeeds An African Baby, We Feel Bad For Being Grossed Out

Top 5 Salma Hayek Sex Scenes

Sloppy Seconds: It's Friday And Salma Hayek Is Single

While You Were Sleeping: Miley Cyrus Hacked

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Bristol Palin spoke out and admitted she was unprepared for motherhood.

What does the first female minister mean for Saudi Arabia?

After weeks of media obsession, prosecutor's zeal, and ridiculous wastes of energy, Michael Phelps is not going to be charged with possession of anything.

These Valentine's Day secrets are actually heartbreaking.

With all these bird attacks on airplanes, you gotta wonder if Jerry Bruckheimer is working on a remake of that Hitchcock movie yet.

Some guy bought a phone containing numbers for Jude Law, Kevin Spacey, and Natalie Portman on ebay. Yep, that's about it-- and no, he didn't share them with us.

Like we said, Lily Allen is often annoying.

Somebody hacked Miley Cyrus. Of course, seeing as it was Twitter, they wrote a bunch of nonsense and wasted our time.

Lily Allen "Snogged Lesbian Twins"

Lily Allen Invents Another Use for Google

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen in the Fight of Her Life

While You Were Sleeping: The Rihanna Nightmare Continues

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 14:16:00 GMT

How was your V-Day? 40,000 people celebrated in Mexico by breaking a world record for makeout sessions.

M.I.A. has a baby boy, can't type for shit.

Who woulda thought Roland Burris, the Senator appointed by Blago, would end up in a possible ethical scandal?

Chris Brown doesn't appear willing to admit he doesn't deserve our sympathy. Meanwhile, Rihanna dumped his allegedly sorry ass.

What do you do when a judge loads a breathalyzer in your car? Why, rent a vehicle and crash it drunk instead.

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson had a lousy V-Day, complete with a intrusive New York Post "reporter."

And the First Couple of the United States flew to Chicago for dinner at a local restaurant on Saturday night, apparently in honor of some sort of national holiday from staying at home and hoarding money.

Today in WTF: Seductive Farting

Venus and Serena Williams Pretend Not to Enjoy Happy Streaker

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Did a Little Star F*cking

Emily Farris — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 23:41:00 GMT

Okay, so maybe we did more than a little star fucking. One might even say we went overbaord.

Highs:

We drooled (and debated) over some big beautiful women.

We continued to hold out hope that our bearded man Joaquin Phoenix is a'ight. Even though he appears to be the opposite of a'ight.

We helped a friend end a bad relationship.

We fell in love with a Koala bear.

We started to wonder if it's true that one can be either hot or smart (not both) and began to appreciate our brains a little more.

We may live in the worst dating city ever, but at least we don't live in the worst city ever.

Dr. Ruth helped us figure out what to do tomorrow night.

The Dalai Lama began following us on Twitter!

We love Lily Allen and we don't care who knows it.

We asked Judah Friedlander out (no, really, we did and he wrote back.. but if we go out I'm not blogging about it, per his request).

Also, we kind-of, sort-of found a way to make our Ryan Gosling fantasies come true.

We found some pretty fucking cool Valentine's Day presents.

Zoorotica. 'Nuff said.

Oh, and animals that are not doing dirty things: Westminster dog show photos.

Lows:

We had to confront the fact that we've been with a lot of people, but not in a long, long time.

And we thought Grand Theft Auto was disturbing!

The Grammys screwed M.I.A. (By the way, has she popped that baby out yet?)

After a week of eating super healthy (okay, not really), we had a strange craving for hamburgers.

We're still trying to decide what's worse: the crazy dog lady or the crazy baby lady.

Maybe we don't have a Valentine because no one knows when Valentine's Day falls on the calendar?

We cried over this video (and so did you!).

We figured out why we're deliciously fat.

Um, this baby is smarter than us (also we really love watching videos of babies).

FUCK!

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Because Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and We Love You

Emily Farris — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 21:36:00 GMT

End a Bad Relationship Today

Emily Farris — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 16:58:00 GMT

We spent the better part of this morning helping a friend compose a break-up script. She was dreading a forced romantic Valentine's Day date with a man she no longer had romantic feelings for and we convinced her it was better to do it before Valentine's Day than after.

Apparently, we're not the only ones who think that way. Reid Mihalko, creator of the famed Cuddle Party, has declared today National End a Bad Relationship Day.

"Let's declare Friday the 13th "National End a Bad Relationship Day!" Let's encourage those of us who feel stuck in the wrong relationship to get unstuck. Let's support our friends who are miserable or on their way towards miserable to make a clean break of it once and for all! If Friday the 13th is already "bad luck day," why not use it to our advantage? Let's use it as leverage for making the hard choices and taking action."

But if you're in a bad relationship and don't have friends like us, Reid is offering a tele-class tonight to get you in the mood to break a heart. Maybe this will help, too:

Related:

Scanner Roundtable: What's Up With All the Spring Break Ups?

Hey Ladies, Have a Salad (or Cake) with a Side of Cunnilingus Today

Scanner Emily's Tips for Getting Through Valentine's Day

PETA Takes On Foie Gras, Valentine's Day, Decency Laws

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 16:24:00 GMT

Every year, PETA tries to top themselves for Valentine's Day. Since no one surveys the establishments or companies they protest in order to judge the effectiveness of a PETA-led boycott, there's no way of knowing whether these campaigns are having an effect one or another.

However, there's no denying it makes for a popular local news report...

Sometime yesterday, five PETA protesters took off their tops and covered their bosoms with signs reading "Have a heart -- drop foie gras" and stood in read heels in front of Selfridges, an upscale department/grocery store in London. Selfridges has not joined other fancy-schmancy stores in the UK in dropping foie gras from its stock, apparently believing force-feeding terrorist geese is okay as long as they're tasty. Or something. In any case, they basically blew off the protesters, while photographers, locals, and leering tourists snapped photos of the activists.

The BBC, the Independent, and the AFP have the skimpy story, while we have their photos. (Apparently, these were taken on London Bridge, which we thought was in Arizona these days, but whatever...)

Related:

Obama Speechwriter and His Maxim Girl Steam Up the White House

PeTA: Again With Thinking Sex Sells Unpopular Idea

Today's Topless PETA Roundup

The Best Sex Toys For Your Weekend

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 15:16:00 GMT

Seeing as how your weekend is about to get very, very sexy (assuming you did Smiths Speed Dating or are having dinner with Judah Friedlander or have a significant other that knows romance always ends with great, sex-toy-involved sex), we present you with a few more sex toys for you to check out in time for tomorrow.

Yes, yes, we know we've done about 85 of these V-Day sex (toy) stories, but there can never be enough...

1) The Acuvibe, seen above.

Seen on Oprah Winfrey, the Acuvibe is a strong, user-friendly vibrator, perfect for women just starting to explore self-stimulation. Many women prefer the contoured shape of the Human Touch Acuvibe to the Magic Wand, but both vibrators are of equal quality.

Another website claims its webmaster(bator) was able to reach orgasm in under a minute using the old standby. Hey, you can get off while your fiancee is having a pee in the bathroom down the hall and he'll never know...

2) The Babeland Odyssey Tickler, a vibrator from Babeland, is for the couple that likes to joke around as much as fool around. Or, of course, you can have with it on your own time...

3) Big Daddy's Cock Ring. We laughed when we saw this advertised on Love Honey as being one of their most popular items, but the reviews are stellar, with the customers approaching euphoria or, um, orgasm in their recommendations.

Oh my god a cock ring that works !!!, 01 Dec 2008

Reviewer: Poseiden99, a Married Straight Male

Not being someone who would normally write a review but having used the other reviews to decide which cock ring to buy I thought I would add one to this fantastic cock ring.
I purchased this recently while shopping for a new toy for my wife, having tried a few cock rings that were all failures I was reluctant to waste money on a new one.
This cock ring is excellent and yes it really does work, yes it does make your erection stronger and harder, and yes it does make your cock more sensitive.

4) The Remote Butterfly. Despite somewhat disappointed reviews, this awesome vibrating panty is averaging four out of five stars. Perhaps it's easy to thrill customers who purchase a vibrating panty that can be operated via remote control-- something this ridiculous is bound to please whoever is nutty (or daring) enough to plunk down $100 on this toy...

Check it out at Babeland, where many of the above products are sold.

Smiths Speed Dating Really Happened

Will You Be Our Sexy Valentine?

Some of Our Lovers Could've Done Used the Love Trainer Device...

Ladies, You're in Big Trouble...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 19:37:00 GMT

It turns out some guys don't know when Valentine's Day is. According to this news source, searches for "when is Valentine's Day" has skyrocketed on Yahoo. In other news, people still use Yahoo for internet searches...

That search frequency has increased 150 percent during the past seven days, with men being responsible for 79 percent of the searches, according to Yahoo.

We're only mentioning this so you won't be disappointed... then again, if your man does remember what Saturday is, you'll at least be pleasantly surprised he got you anything at all...

Related:

No Foreplay For You

And Then Ryan Gosling Reached Down to Take Off Scanner Emily's Wet Panties...

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 19:19:00 GMT

What ever could we be talking about? Only the best idea we've seen yet for a Valentine's Day present.

We've seen our share of craptastic Valentine's Day presents in the last couple of weeks (and a few cool things) but the customized erotic novels might be our favorite. How does it work?

While you can't get it in time for Valentine's Day (it takes a week) you can print an excerpt from the website.

Also, you can order same-sex novels!

[UStar via NYT]

Related:

Dr. Ruth Has Something Sweet for You This Valentine's Day

Impress the Ladies with Valentine Gifts

Radio Station Gives Away Free Divorce for V-Day

Burlesque Star Wants To Spice Up Your Valentine's Day

Have a steak and blow job today. No, really. We insist.

F*ck Yeah, Ryan Gosling!

Video of the Day: The Worst Commercial Ever

Emily Farris — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 23:33:00 GMT

Okay, this isn't the worst commercial ever. But this Vermont Teddy Bear commercial is by far the worst Valentine's Day Commercial we've seen all day. It's trying to be sexy ("It's so much bigger than I thought!") while failing miserably and somewhat hilariously.

Dr. Ruth Has Something Sweet for You This Valentine's Day

Emily Farris — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 18:24:00 GMT

The ever-adorable Dr. Ruth was on Today this morning to promote her newest book, "Top 10 Secrets for Great Sex." And for those of you not having sex, she has a few tips for you this Valentine's Day. The first is, of course, "read the book." The second?

"Go out and buy an ice cream cone. And practice on it."

Related:

What's Cuter than Old People Writing About Young Peoples' Sex Lives? Nothing!

This Thanksgiving, Just Shut Up and Be Thankful for Your Faithful Mate (Who You Probably Don't Really Have)

75-Year-Old Granny Shows Teenage Strippers What A Real Act Looks Like

Ruth Wallis, Queen of the Party Song, Dead at 87

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Burlesque Star Wants To Spice Up Your Valentine's Day

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 15:46:00 GMT

Unfortunately, she did not offer to come to our house for a champagne-soaked threesome, but burlesque babe Ava Garter (yuk yuk yuk) proposed the next best thing: some fashion tips to rock your Valentine's Day this year.

For a change, they're actually quite good. Usually, the best V-Day advice is something akin to "stay in, get liquored up, dim the lights, break out the massage oil, and get down to business." But as she tells the Los Angeles Times, Garter has better ideas for this Saturday night.

Here are our favorite excerpts from the interview:

[On wearing that black dress you have hidden away:] A black dress should have a back or side zipper; you wouldn't want to get into a seduction scene and tug it over your head.

It's always very sexy to go with a pretty black bra, black garter belt, black panties with a bow and a nude sheer stocking. Black is slimming, and a nude stocking makes your legs look much longer.

For the bedroom, you can use a pair of black gloves as a tool for seduction that's very cheap -- remove them very slowly, one at a time, and take as long as you like.

If you're having dinner with your boyfriend or husband for Valentine's Day, touch up your lipstick very slowly in front of him and let him watch. Eyelashes are a fetish for me.
Pasta is inexpensive, easy and really romantic [for a perfect night in.]
One of the best gifts you can give a man is the gift of you, sharing time together and letting him off the hook for buying you something--

All right, that's enough. Don't get all sappy on us, Ava...

More with Ava Garter via the LA Times.

Related:

Dita's New Nude Revue

Skull Spikes, Arm Ears and 5 Other Things We'll Never Do To Our Bodies

Nerve and Hendrick's Gin Sip in Style in San Francisco

Kim Cattrall: The Magically Naked 52-Year-Old Woman

Impress the Ladies with Valentine Gifts

Colleen Kane — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 21:02:00 GMT

Sure, Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday, it means nothing, and you are forced to give some token of affection to the significant other or face the wrath. That's just the deal. But that token doesn't have to be something generic like flowers, chocolates, or those pathetic stuffed animals that no one wants (certainly not any grown woman I know).

To give something more memorable, the secret ingredient is effort. First, you must find out something about the lady you are buying a present for. Is she your girlfriend/wife or are you stalking her? (If the latter, skip this post and step away from everything.) What exactly does she like to put in her belly, accept into her ear-holes or eye-holes, put in her house, put on her body? (It's not specific enough, for quality gift-buying purposes, to simply know that she puts "clothes" on her body. If you need assistance, you can always try consulting one of her friends.)

The following suggestions won't work for everyone, but might provide some inspiration.

* Instead of the default roses, pick her favorite flowers, or plant them for her, or put them in a vase that's her style, such as the glorious Misfits number pictured above. (Also available in KISS, AC/DC, and Thrasher models for way too much $$$ from LeGaragePierreBlanc.com -- it's even French, so, bonus romance.)

* Does she enjoy the sex? How about a gift card to Babeland? They're available in denominations from $20 & up, their business and web store is so woman-friendly, and whatever she chooses could very well become a gift that keeps on giving.

* Can't stand to be apart from each other? Has she always wanted a Love Toilet, as seen on Saturday Night Live? Desginer Sebastian Brajkovic has designed something similar, but without the toilet part.

It's probably really really expensive and you should just duct tape two kitchen chairs together. (Don't do that.)

* Does she have a favorite food treat found only in a faraway land? Is it shippable (or pick-up-able, by you) without causing a gastronomic catastrophe? Deliver it yourself or have it shipped in for Feb. 14 and you will be the PIMP! Some restaurant/bakery websites, such as the often-craved by this writer Babycakes, list shipping info on their website.

YUM

* This is probably the most potentially budget-friendly option: choose from thousands of items on Etsy.com, where you can buy her something that's handmade and likely one-of-a-kind or limited edition (or vintage, or custom-made), like this cool silver and gold branch pendant ($36).

And check Etsy's blog for Valentine-themed items like this sweet card ($3).

Related:

Will You Be Our Sexy Valentine?

The Gamer Next Door Models Your Last-Minute Gifts

Holiday Gift Guide: Personal Submarine

Will You Be Our Sexy Valentine?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 16:26:00 GMT

Prepare yourself... Valentine's Day is coming, which means you'll be subjected to 10,824 posts about it between now and the weekend.

You can bribe us into near silence, though, by buying and sending us one of these sexy V-Day gifts...

The old cliche/joke here at Scanner is that we're all secret lesbians, so it's only natural we would turn to GO Magazine, the monthly publication for gay ladies in various American cities. This month, they've published a multi-page portfolio of the greatest of this year's V-Day sex toys and other treats we've been too naughty not to receive:

1) The Forever Yours Vibe

2) The Pink Kink Kit. Says Babeland:

Bondage beginner? You’ll find sugar and spice and everything naughty in our super-sexy, non-intimidating Pink Kink Kit, making bondage affordable, fashionable and very appealing. An innocent pink mesh bag holds a heart-emblazoned, comfortable leather blindfold, an adorable pink leather 11” whip with a teasing sting, and a snap-to-fit leather collar that reads SEXY (as if it weren’t obvious!).

3) Two-Person Home Sauna. Ever had sex in a sauna? We're not sure if that one time was a daydream or the real thing, but either way, it wasn't worth this $3,000 price tag. Although, hey, if you're buyin'...

4) Dirty Dolls Lingerie

Check out all 23 pages of selections from GO Magazine.

Botulism, Abortion, And A Woman's Right To Choose

The Gamer Next Door Models Your Last-Minute Gifts

Just in Time for Valentimes: Smittens

Colleen Kane — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 21:16:00 GMT

So, a pattern exists to knit "Smittens," which enable couples to hold hands within one mitten--and it's a heart shape! Kind of the visual equivalent of smoochy baby talk, no?

How do we feel about Smittens?

Please cast your vote.

Same Sex Couples: Just as Happy as Everyone Else

Some Married Couples Actually Have Sex--But Only for the Book Deal

Nothing Says "I Love You" Like Murdering Animals With the Nuge

Colleen Kane — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 17:29:00 GMT

Valentine's Day is coming up in ten days, and some couples will spend that day on a "Hunt Ted Nugent Sunrize Safaris Valentine's Couples Hunt."

Wait, we get to hunt Ted Nugent? Where do I sign up?

Unfortunately, no-- that's just awkward wording, but do read on for details of the hunt.

"Hunt Russian wild boar or exotic rams on Valentine's Day using guns or the preferred method of the god of love. A wild game lunch will be provided.

2 animals for $1100 - Hunter's Choice: Boar and/or Ram."

For the booking number and hours of entertainment/ horror/ delight (depending on your leanings), visit The Official Community of Ted Nugent website.

Related:

EXCLUSIVE: Toby Keith Worships Satan, Ted Nugent, And Lynch Mobs

Not Gonna Take It Anymore, Angry Deer Fights Back

Why Does This Cute Old Man Have Three Guns?

Madonna's Very Hairy Bush Expected to Go for $15K at Christie's

Emily Farris — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 19:34:00 GMT

George isn't the only Bush on the way out this year. A 30-year-old image of Madonna and her very hairy bush taken by Lee Friedlander is expected to go for $10,000–$15,000 at Christie's auction house on February 12.

Being natural blondes born in the Eighties and all, we've never seen anything like this. We find it pretty spectacular. See the photo in all its black-and-white (and, um, red) glory after the jump.

Would you pay $15,000 for this image that supposedly earned Madonna a whopping $25 in 1979? Perhaps seeing it without our mandatory editing at Christie's (yeah, they can show bush and we can't) will help you decide.

Related:

Why Will This Baby Picture Go for $8-12K at Christie's?

Gisele Bundchen Worth More Than Carla Bruni Naked. Why?

If We Had Millions of Dollars, We Would Have the Best Nudie Collection in the World

While You Were Sleeping: Is Rob Lowe A Dirty, Old Flasher?

eHarmony, Let The Gays Begin!

Scanner Matt — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 19:46:00 GMT

eHarmony, the online matchmaking site that infamously rejected the gay community (and Scanner Emily) now begrudgingly offers their services to love-seeking homosexuals (but not Emily).

After numerous lawsuits, eHarmony will be forced to service gays and lesbians (zing!). The AP reports that this is, in particular, due to a 2005 settlement in a suit filed by Eric McKinley of New Jersey who demanded not to be subject to discrimination when he was prevented from joining the site because he was gay.

But eHarmony couldn't actually let the gays use their site. The company has created a new agency (We know, it’s all very “Separate but Equal”) so passionately titled, Compatible Partners (we were expecting eCacophony) will launch this March, just in time for Valentine’s Day to be long gone.

Jerks.

Related:

"The Real World: Facebook" or Scanner Emily vs. The Mormons

This Week in Gayness: Ellen vs. the Bigots

This Week In Gayness: Guy Attacked At Proposition 8 Protest

Photo: The Consumerist

Sloppy Seconds: Those Boys From 'Gossip Girl,' Are They or Aren't They?

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 21:51:00 GMT

Why in the wide world of silver bikinis would MTV consider giving Britney Spears a second chance at performing during the VMAs? Well, we're still talking about it, aren't we? [Yahoo!]

Oh dear God no! Is there another lil' Lohan out there? [AP]

Anyone hoping to catch a Jennifer Aniston vs. Angelina Jolie cat fight at the box office will be sorely disappointed. While both stars had movies set to come out October 24, but Aniston's He's Just Not That Into You has been pushed back to February to coincide with Valentine's Day. [Us]

Uh, oh. Rumors are flying that Madonna has been sneaking around with a divorce lawyer. [People]

Miley Cyrus talked to Billboard Magazine about her now infamous Vanity Fair photo shoot. "I was embarrassed, but also it's like, every career thing that I do can't be perfect, and sometimes my decisions are wrong. I think that just makes me even more relatable. I don't think people will look at me any differently because they're like, 'You know what, I'm going to do stupid stuff too, and I'm going to make mistakes, and that's fine.'" [Billboard]

Amy Winehouse and her trusty friend the vodka bottle made it to rehearsals for Nelson Mandela's birthday show. And that's something, right? [MTV]

"Seems like on-set sources, which the pubs tell us are reliable, have told each paper that Chace Crawford and Gossip Girl co-star and real-life roommate Ed Westwick are in a relationship and not trying to hide it, at least on set. Both NY papers tell us that Chace and Ed were recently seen kissing, open-mouthed on set (in Chace’s trailer)." Oh, we get it. Is this part of the plot? [Jossip]

Related:

Where Was Daddy When Miley Cyrus Was Taking Topless Photos for Vanity Fair?

Sloppy Seconds: Jolie And Aniston Face Off

Madonna's Sexlife Threatened By Keebler Elves

Ali Lohan and Her Little Dog, Too

Sloppy Seconds: Name That Lohan

I'm Not That Innocent: The Remix

Amy Winehouse at Grammys: Was She Sober?

Have a steak and blow job today. No, really. We insist.

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 19:43:00 GMT

Wow, Scanner readers. Earlier we asked if you knew what was celebrated today in addition to Albert Einstein's Birthday and Pi Day, and at least a few of you know what's up. We have to say we're a little shocked and disappointed that only a few people chimed in. We expected more from you, men of Scanner.

Today is Steak and Blow Job Day, celebrated one month after Valentine's Day. Some say it's celebrated on March 20th, but we think they're just greedy. From steakandbjday.com:

You know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do care for them more than any other. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.

Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 14th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you care for him.

No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. Thats it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 14th!

A little misogynistic? Maybe. But let it be known that we're hereby declaring April 14 Salad and Cunnilingus Day. Fuck it; we want steak, too. April 14 is Steak and Cunnilingus Day. Now we're even.

[steakandbjday.com]

Image via beefretail.org

The Love Detector: Creepiest New Technology

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 20:16:00 GMT

For the person who needs to know everything their lover is thinking, and for their lovers, who either won't know about this or don't mind being self-conscious about every breath, mumble, sneeze, and unspoken thought.

As reported by Reuters on V-Day:

Users who speak by pointing their mobile phones at themselves for video conferences can see a "love meter" bar on the screen of their handset during a conversation.

They later receive an analysis of the conversation delivered through text message that breaks down the amount of affection, surprise, concentration and honesty of the other speaker.

That's according to KTF in South Korea, makers of a product we love to hate. Just like those creepy-ass old carnival games, The Love Detector, now available for Skype PC, is about the weirdest and possibly the most fraudulent technology yet invented for mobile phone use. It was allegedly designed for people who couldn't be bothered to simply ask a crush if the crush is mutual, but apparently that didn't work and now they are moving into the girlfriends-of-strong-silent-types-who-don't-talk-about-their-feelings. (We can just hear it now: Man: Honey, I'm going to be late. Woman: Oooh, no! The Love Detector says you are suffering from a sense of detachment, are possibly homosexual, and are fondling a small dog while we're on the phone. What would you like for dinner?)

But that doesn't stop us from asking some poor soul out there with a PC (ha ha, suckers!) to try it out and not bill us for your use...

Scanner Highs and Lows: We Survived Another Valentine's Day and So Did You

Emily Farris — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 22:01:00 GMT

Valentine's Day has come and gone and we're all still here (except maybe the people who got heart-shaped suckers with scraps of metal in them). We may have gained a few pounds and had a few too many red hots while watching LOST alone in bed, but over all, it was an OK week. Even for those of us who aren't getting any (and that includes you now, New York Post readers!).

Highs:

We had a reading and you came and it was great.

Jane Fonda said "cunt" live on national television.

We found some creative ways to get through Valentine's Day.

Amy Winehouse sobered up in time for the Grammys. Or so we think.

We called a sex boycott for New York Post readers.

Lows:

Unfortunately we had to call said sex boycott because of this story.

Nipples in strange places freak us out.

This girl makes us sad for her generation.

Amsterdam's Red Light District faces a grim future. At least there will still be frites mayo.

Some crazies let Britney near their kids.

[Image via]

I Love You, Please Bleed Internally

Emily Farris — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 19:22:00 GMT

Scanner Brian told you we were done talking about Valentine's Day, but he obviously didn't realize the effect it would have on the Internets. And well, your insides. Scraps of metal were found in V-day suckers. Yeah, suck on that. Actually, don't. You might bleed to death.

If We'd Had a Valentine, He Would Have Given Us the Chocolate Scrabble Bar

Emily Farris — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 18:22:00 GMT

[Chocolate Scrabble]

The Last Word on V-Day

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 15:47:00 GMT

Can we end Valentine's Day forever and never mention it again? Well, maybe not, but we can stop talking about it, right after this:

Weird News still has plenty of material left over from yesterday. Three couples were married at a White Castle in Columbus, Ohio, the restaurant's headquarters. And a judge married off a man he had just sentenced to several years in prison for armed robbery, and who was still in handcuffs, having recently been sentenced for beating his bride-to-be.

UPDATE: A woman robbed a bank with chocolates. We're still not sure how.

Sloppy Seconds: Is Valentine's Day Over Yet?

Emily Farris — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 21:51:00 GMT

Still haven't quite found the closure you needed from that last break-up? How about writing an obituary for the relationship?

Planned Parenthood reminds us that condoms are an essential part of any Valentine's Day love making with the most unsexy video ever.

~~Fashion victim~~ actress Bai Ling was arrested at LAX for shoplifiting celebrity magazines and batteries.

Has Amy Winehouse sobered up enough to take a lover while her hubby "Blake Incarcerated" is, uh, incarcerated?

We have such a girl crush on Michelle Williams (and no, not just because her ex-BF died; we've been stalking her for years).

V-Day Wrapup: Come "Get Some"

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 21:15:00 GMT

Even we don't have the guts to admit to doing some of this stuff...

...like sending ourselves Valentine's Day gifts. To prove what to whom?

Japan firmly establishes itself as the weirdest country for lovers.

Girl with A One-Track Mind on the Hallmark Holiday.

V-Day: the Black Monday from Hell.

Did we mention Japan is weird as shit? But so's NYC, baby.

And, in a moment to warn all our hearts, Mitt Romney became engaged to John McCain today.

Anti-Valentine's Day Cards, Via the Onion

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 19:19:00 GMT

Smoove B and the Onion invite you to celebrate Valentine's Day 2007 all over again... with their cards... which they, um, didn't update from last year.

But they're still hilarious...

See everything the Onion has to offer in the way of half-assed e-cards, here.

Also, don't miss these, either.