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The Latest Kool Kid Kraze: Vodka Tampons

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 15:14:00 GMT

Back in the pre-Roman era known as the 1990s, dumb kids all over the world inserted vodka-soaked tampons in their vaginas for a serious "contact high" and to avoid being caught with booze on the breath.

The following should disprove any notions you might have about the recent resurgence of the practice among alcohol-crazed teens...

1) Just because you put booze in your vagina, doesn't mean mom can't smell it on your breath. That odor has to go somewhere... and it's not going out your ass. Science tells us that the lungs help expunge the putrid stench of the devil's brew-- assuming, of course, that you haven't resorted to drinking to dull the pain of your marijuana-clogged lungs.

2) Having alcohol inside your vagina is worse for your poon than Ron Jeremy. It can cause the wrong kind of bleeding into the tampon.

3) Indeed, you won't have a woozy stomach, but hopefully that doesn't make you say, "Forget the rest of these red flags, I'll do it!"

4) No one is quite sure if this practice, which is still popular in crazy, backwards countries like Columbia, Brazil, and-- Sarah Palin's favorite-- "Africa," is actually real. Videogum disputes it, saying:

Possibly one person ever did [that], but now like 50,000 stay-at-home moms are going to have "The Vodka-Soaked Tampon Talk" with their kids tonight.

5) As a sociological experiment, you should do that tonight. Seriously, have a talk with your 12-year-old (hell, your four-year-old) about vodka-soaked tampons and report back to us on the conversation....

Related:

Dita Von Teese in German Playboy - the Sequel

Guitar Hero. Then Guitar Hero: World Tour. And Now: Vagina Hero!

Before Aunt Flow Knew Where to Go: A History of Menstrual Products

Sloppy Seconds: Those Boys From 'Gossip Girl,' Are They or Aren't They?

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 21:51:00 GMT

Why in the wide world of silver bikinis would MTV consider giving Britney Spears a second chance at performing during the VMAs? Well, we're still talking about it, aren't we? [Yahoo!]

Oh dear God no! Is there another lil' Lohan out there? [AP]

Anyone hoping to catch a Jennifer Aniston vs. Angelina Jolie cat fight at the box office will be sorely disappointed. While both stars had movies set to come out October 24, but Aniston's He's Just Not That Into You has been pushed back to February to coincide with Valentine's Day. [Us]

Uh, oh. Rumors are flying that Madonna has been sneaking around with a divorce lawyer. [People]

Miley Cyrus talked to Billboard Magazine about her now infamous Vanity Fair photo shoot. "I was embarrassed, but also it's like, every career thing that I do can't be perfect, and sometimes my decisions are wrong. I think that just makes me even more relatable. I don't think people will look at me any differently because they're like, 'You know what, I'm going to do stupid stuff too, and I'm going to make mistakes, and that's fine.'" [Billboard]

Amy Winehouse and her trusty friend the vodka bottle made it to rehearsals for Nelson Mandela's birthday show. And that's something, right? [MTV]

"Seems like on-set sources, which the pubs tell us are reliable, have told each paper that Chace Crawford and Gossip Girl co-star and real-life roommate Ed Westwick are in a relationship and not trying to hide it, at least on set. Both NY papers tell us that Chace and Ed were recently seen kissing, open-mouthed on set (in Chace’s trailer)." Oh, we get it. Is this part of the plot? [Jossip]

Related:

Where Was Daddy When Miley Cyrus Was Taking Topless Photos for Vanity Fair?

Sloppy Seconds: Jolie And Aniston Face Off

Madonna's Sexlife Threatened By Keebler Elves

Ali Lohan and Her Little Dog, Too

Sloppy Seconds: Name That Lohan

I'm Not That Innocent: The Remix

Amy Winehouse at Grammys: Was She Sober?

The Top 10 Moments In the Career of Hillary Clinton

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 20:44:00 GMT

Not that we're saying it's over for her politically or anything. We'd fully encourage her to run for Governor of New York if David Paterson decides not to in two years. How hot would that be? "Governor Clinton-- The Sequel!"

10. Kept her job as a lawyer in spite of sexist criticism of how she and her then-Governor husband ran their family.

9. Played a key role in the end of Richard Nixon's Presidency as "a member of the impeachment inquiry staff, advising the House Committee on the Judiciary during" the Watergate hearings.

8. In 1968, at Wesleyan, Hillary "organized a two-day student strike and worked with Wellesley's black students to recruit more black students and faculty." It was a successful endeavor.

7. "Played a role in advocating for the establishment of the State Children's Health Insurance Program."

6. Not taking Bill Clinton's shit on Monica by letting him suffer after he embarrassed and humiliated her in front of the entire world.

5. Securing, with Rep. Pete King and others, a huge monetary boost for New York City following the 9/11 attacks.

4. Beat an incredibly well-funded New York and national Republican political machine to become the first First Lady ever elected to national or any office. If she never did anything else, before or since, it would still put her on an historical par with her President husband.

3. By all accounts, she won a marathon vodka-drinking contest while on a Congressional tour of Estonia. Her opponent? Senator John McCain.

2. Earning far more votes than any woman running for President ever dreamed of just a few short years ago. Shirley Chisholm is smiling down on her, for sure.

And the greatest moment (so far) in Hillary Clinton's storied career...

1. Her Wellesley's class's commencement speech. The address, which received a seven minute standing ovation and was the first commencement speech in the college's history to be made by a student, was gutsy, eloquent and passionate. It woke the country up, in much the same way Woodstock and the moon landing would again one month later, making the front page of Life on June 20, 1969. Very few people who heard it at the time did not agree the 22-year-old was destined for great things...

UPDATE: Relax, people, they're called typos. And they're what you get when you are writing leaning out a second story window, stealing internet, thanks to Time Warner having decided you don't exist anymore.

Sloppy Seconds: Desperate Housewives

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 21:23:00 GMT

Some readers were bothered by our dig at Absolut Vodka over its pre-20th century mindset. Just a reminder: we're always right.

The Second Amendment Debate, Made Irrelevant: A man has been arrested for standing in the middle of the street and threatening motorists with death by bow and arrow. Cool!

Finally, the truth: Since Thursday's raid on Warren Jeff's polygamist sect in Texas, which housed hundreds of brainwashed females and the brain-damaged males overseeing them, commentators have speculated as to what served as the final piece of evidence that enabled the Feds to move in. At an earlier news conference, the prosecutor in the case testified that investigators had been waiting for someone to come forward.

Well, that someone turned out to be a 16 year old girl, pregnant for the second time in a year, according to CNN. The anonymous tipster, who had contacted Family Services in Texas, was married to a man was more than three times her age, beat her, and had six other wives..

Now, her parents were talking about sending her younger sister, 15, to the ranch as well.

In her calls, the girl said she had looked for ways to escape. But she was told that outside the compound's gates lies an evil world in which she would be forced to cut her hair, wear makeup and have sex with many men. She thought about faking an illness, but under that plan she couldn't bring her baby along, the affidavit stated.
She said her husband would "beat and hurt" her when he got angry, hitting her in the chest and choking her while other wives held her baby. Once, he broke her ribs, she said.

Pardon the unfortunate transition, but... speaking of "Desperate Housewives": the show's creator confirms Nicolette Sheridan, the woman also unfortunately known as Michael Bolton's squeeze, is leaving at the end of the season.

Government workers charged millions of dollars for wild orgies (i.e. "fancy dinners"-- but we're not fooled), lingerie, iPods, and internet dating subscriptions (it better have been Nerve!) to company-issued credit cards. So what? They're probably all in the CIA and that stuff is part of the job anyway.

And lastly, the greatest living woman in America is single again. We almost feel bad for celebrating.

Previously: Sloppy Seconds: Father-Daughter Love Child

Sloppy Seconds: Father-Daughter Love Child

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 21:28:00 GMT

And you thought dry humping Jennifer Garner at the Oscars was the craziest thing Gary Busey's ever done?

Check out this interview with Busey from a recent issue of Maxim, which pokes lots of fun at the weirdo actor's drug history, including the time he did coke off his dog's ass. This Sloppy Seconds gonna write itself, wethinks.

Jay and Beyonce got married on Friday. Or was it Saturday? Are they even an item? No one knows for sure. We gotta say, more power to the both of them for not letting the slimeballs at Us Weekly get anything out of this.

Freakiest story of the day: "A man who received a heart transplant 12 years ago and later married the donor's widow died the same way the donor did, authorities said: of a self-inflicted gunshot wound." (MSNBC)

Would someone please confirm that Tom Waits is, in fact, going on tour this summer? This iVoice Chat with a very drunk "Tom Waits," while hilarious, doesn't actually come from reputable sources.

It's official: Mexico has re-conquered the Southwest US. Maybe they'll burn down the Absolut distribution center on their march North, just for this insultingly stupid ad.

And an incestuous relationship between a father and daughter in Australia has produced, gag, a child. (Isn't Mom a little worried that her convicted armed-robber lover/father is perhaps already after the nine-month-old for his next conquest?) Normally, we'd make a joke about this being a great reality show for E!'s midseason replacement lineup, but we don't want to give them any ideas.

Dad/Husband: "Of course I knew it was illegal but, you know, so what."

Mrs. Deaves said the physical relationship with her father was like "a sexual relationship with any other man". For Mr. Deaves the sexual relationship was "absolutely fantastic".

There are so many things we could say here, but instead: JTUASIMM, which means "just threw up a SHITLOAD in my mouth."

Via News.au.com.

Get Your Ashley Alexandra Dupre Drink On

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 19:26:00 GMT

As Eliot Spitzer's career has gone to shit, another person's is about to take off, and no, we're not talking about Spitzer's replacement, new New York Governor David Paterson. Like everyone else in the world, including us, Georgi Vodka wants to capitalize on the myth, the woman, the legend that is Ashley Alexandra Dupre. We want her to write a book and Georgi wants put a blown-up shot of her ass on the back of every bus in New York City.

Martin Silver, chief executive of Star Industries — owners of the U.S. rights to the brand, said he is in talks to pay Dupre more than $100,000 to be this year's Georgi "butt girl," the annual pinup the brand places on city buses and taxicabs.

"The girl's butt we have on there now is pretty good, but if you can get (Dupre) to do it, and to make some personal appearances, it's like Paris Hilton or something," Silver told AdAge.com. "We are trying to work out a contract."

Additionally, they want to name the vodka "No. 9" —which, in case you live in a cave, was the code name the FBI used for Spitzer while they investigated the prostitution ring.

MNBC's idea for a new cocktail?

"The Spitzer Screwdriver: "No. 9" vodka and orange juice with a shot of schadenfreude. On the rocks ... just like his marriage."

They beat us to the punch line...

[MSNBC: From governor's paramour to vodka's 'butt girl]

(Thanks, Marco!)

Clinton & McCain To Battle in the Thunderdome?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 15:13:00 GMT

How badly will the Democrats screw themselves if they nominate Hillary Clinton for President? Well, recent poll numbers should be a clear wakeup call to choose somebody, anybody, but the ex-First Lady... before it's too late (i.e. today, if possible.)

Real Clear Politics has Senator McCain leading by four points in an average of several recent national polls. Now is actually the time when these are worth reading-- unlike for the last year, when all anyone wanted to talk about was "Black Man vs. White Woman" and John Edwards was actually leading in Iowa, the only state where polling mattered. It's inarguable that the Democrats in Congress will continue to slip in the public standing and the tidal wave that was 2006 will only recede to reveal, once again, a sharply divided electorate. McCain's four-point lead, while basically nominal, is emblematic of the trend reversal to come.

It's also worth noting that John McCain has often received the highest national approval ratings of any politician in the country, and may be doing even better now that his profile has been raised again. On the other hand, they have faced off once before, with Hillary reportedly the upset victor: in a battle-to-the-death vodka-drinking contest in Estonia.

[Photo: AFP/Getty Images]

Video of the Day: I Want More Porn

Emily Farris — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 22:16:00 GMT

Old men, acoustic guitars, old men singing in falsetto, RVs, and a really bad song about porn. YouTube doesn't get much more real than that.

We want more porn, too.

Pardon Me, But Do I Know You From Somewhere, Absolut Citron's New Ad?

Emily Farris — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 19:12:00 GMT

Correct us if we're wrong, but it really does look like a big, delightfully refreshing, citrus-y vagina.

[Via Copyranter]

Video of the Day: "Pussycat Preacher" Trailer

Emily Farris — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 16:46:00 GMT

God is everywhere, right? Even on a pole? According to the Pussycat Preacher, a stripper turned prostyletizer, he is. Even better is the "Hooker for Jesus" who compares gluttony to prostitution. "Why aren't we pointing out physical sins that we physically see?" She does make a good point.

Online Videos by Veoh.com

We wonder what the Mormons think of this.

Excuse us while we go bust out some Joan Osborne.

[The Pussycat Preacher]

(Thanks, Sarah!)

Porn: For Those Times When Vodka Just Won't Cut It

Emily Farris — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 15:56:00 GMT

A 22-year-old man in Canada racked up an $83,000 cell phone bill after connecting the phone to his computer to use as a modem. Discovering Internet porn for the first time must be pretty exciting, and while we don't know for sure what he was downloading (he won't talk to the press, as Reuters points out because "he doesn't want to incur more long distance charges"), Reuters' headline "Lonely guy shocked to get $83,000 phone bill" makes it pretty clear. But the best part of all is the quote this guy's dad gave:

Staniaszek's father, also named Piotr Staniaszek, said his son thought he could use his new phone as a modem for his computer as part of his C$10 unlimited browser plan from Bell Mobility, a division of Bell Canada.

He downloaded movies and other high-resolution files unaware of the charges they would incur.

"He's working in the field sometimes, alone, in the shack. What to do? Drink vodka or go on the Internet?" Staniaszek senior told Reuters on Thursday from Calgary, Alberta.

"Now it's $85,000 and nobody told him," he said.

According to his invoice, the son rang up C$60,000 in charges in November, and they have since climbed to C$85,000.

[Via Reuters]

Know When to Fold 'Em

Emily Farris — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 14:39:00 GMT

A Berlin man nearly died Tuesday from alcohol poisoning after chugging two pints of vodka at an airport, rather than trash it at a security checkpoint.

Hey dude, we've been there. We hate seeing stuff go to waste—especially consumables we've paid good money for. That's why we're a little fat. And alcohol is expensive. But really, there are easier ways...

Or, like, you know, just cut your losses?

[HOWTO smuggle liquids onto an airplane via BoingBoing]

Happily Mix Your Love of Pills and Vodka

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 13:22:00 GMT

Have you ever really craved vodka, but not been in the mood to drink? OK, birthdays, weddings, subway rides, we're always in the mood to drink. But say one day we want to pop a pill instead of downing a martini — now we totally can! All thanks to science...and alcoholism. (via Dethroner)

In the News: Stripper Gets Worker's Comp, Michelle Rodriguez Gets Jail Time

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 12:55:00 GMT

Because sometimes the pole can get slippery: Stripper's worker's compensation upheld after she injured herself dancing on the pole. Hobson claimed she suffered neck pain and numbness after injuring herself while dancing at the Shangri-La West club in Fort Wayne on Dec. 20, 2001.

We had one of these at the bar last night: Doctors give man vodka drip because they ran out of medicinal alcohol they'd normally use. The 24-year-old Italian...was diagnosed as having ingested a large quantity of ethylene glycol, a common ingredient of antifreeze that can cause renal failure.

Dear Abby, Thanks!: PFLAG honors advice column writer Dear Abby for her support of the gay and lesbian community. Jeanne's mother Pauline, who founded "Dear Abby," helped promote PFLAG as a resource in 1984 when she first referred a distraught parent to the organization.

Michelle Rodriguez gets lost behind bars: Lost star Michelle Rodriguez sentenced to six months in jail for violating probation and generally being a drunken troublemaker. "She did file a document that said she completed community service on September 25th, but we obtained evidence that she was in New York that day."