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The Best of the April Fool's Day Sex News

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 21:11:00 GMT

This year's April Fool's Day definitely topped 2008 for sheer ridiculous fake sex news.

Here are a few of our favorites, not including the Gmail Autopilot helper that Colleen and I both linked to earlier...

The best part is, that British MPs story is definitely true.

MSNBC ran a story that we immediately called bullshit on, but on reflection, it turns out it's probably at least partly factual:

Dr. Wang jokes with the new parents a bit and then says, "I understand you may want to have a circumcision for your baby."
Larry and Joy don't answer immediately. At last Larry says, "Well ... we don't know."

Dr. Wang smiles. He's familiar with the befuddled expression on Larry's face.

Circumcision, of course, is the surgical removal of the penile foreskin from the glans — the fleshy crown of the penis. It is one of the most commonly performed procedures in American hospitals, and except for abortion, it may be the most controversial. The procedure has long been known to reduce the spread of a few rare, serious diseases, and to prevent a few annoying, uncomfortable ones. But in 1999, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) determined that the risk of surgical complications, though small, nearly canceled out the benefits...

A Google search for a Dr. Wang at Massachusetts General turns up several ancient article hits, so he's probably real. But that doesn't mean a story about a "Dr. Wang" and his penis obsession doesn't ring false on a day like today...

By far the best goof of the day and without a doubt the most interesting story we've come across in ages is actually a true story (we think) of the life of Alan Abel, a semi-unknown prankster, as reported in Esquire. In addition to being the first person ever to have his obituary retracted by the New York Times, he is known for incredible stunts like staging a mass-fainting epidemic in the audience of a live Phil Donahue Show taping and starting both the Society for Indecency to Naked Animals, which kickstarted a popular (though fake) movement to put pants on farm animals and pets, and most famous of all, Citizens Against Breastfeeding.

But we remember these from the interview:

ESQ: In 1994, you went on The Jenny Jones Show with an actress playing your wife, and she said she had glued your penis to your butt while you were sleeping. Was Jenny Jones in on that?

AA: Oh no, not at all. At first, she was furious, and then they got this great exposé in the Washington Post and they were so pleased. The show was repeated over and over. The same thing happened when HBO did a documentary on male genitalia called Private Dicks Exposed. They had an 800 number and they said in the ad, "If you're interested in talking about your private parts, call," so I did. I figured all these guys were going to call in to brag about their size. So I said I was the smallest in the world. One inch, erect. And they said: "You're on the show!"

ESQ: Didn't they ever ask to see your goods?

AA: They did, when they were interviewing me for the documentary. The director said, "Everyone's taken their clothes off except you, Bruce." There were about twenty-five people on the crew, including some very attractive ladies, and I said, "Only if we can have group sex after the wrap." They said no. So I didn't have to take off my shorts.

As we said, this is a must-read.

Related:

Gmail's April Fool's Prank Helps You End Lame Relationships

New York Times: Iraq War Ends

A History of MIT Pranks, In Glorious Pictures...

People are Jokesters Today!

While You Were Sleeping: Miley Cyrus Dies in A Freak Car Accident

Funny Last Names Like Wang On The Rise

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 18:23:00 GMT

Here's a headline we can all appreciate: "Name shame causes Cock shrinkage but Wang is on the rise."

Normally, a story like that never tops its opening lines, but there are a few glorious quips in here...

A comparison of the 2008 population - using data from a variety of sources - with the first census in 1881 shows that the number of Cocks has shrunk by 75 per cent, while the number of people called Balls... has fallen by more than 50 per cent.

David Hey, author of Family Names and Family History, said that ridiculous names were often more harmless than they appeared. "'Bottom' names were from farms at the bottom of a valley. In the Middle Ages `daft' meant meek. It was a perfectly acceptable name."

So, wangs are on the rise, cocks are shrinking, and balls are hanging at the lower end. Makes sense, sorta.

From the comment section of the Australian, which becomes a word association game featuring places and names of the bathroom-humor variety:

-Being a Hater, I was always teased as a child. Moving to Australia meant I had to call myself Oswald instead of Ozzie for obvious reasons. People still wind me up a bit - but I think it's made me a stronger person.
-Heard of a guy named Bill Stinks, who got teased and laughed at all his young life until he learned in high school that he could change his name by deed poll once he turned 21 years of age. After another 8 years of humilation Bill turned up at the deed poll office right on opening to change his name. He is now called Robert.
-My Grandmother's surname was Winterbottom which got her the nickname 'Frosty Bum.' I'm glad I didn't inherit that surname.

Our parents had a friend called Becky Butts. Our first reaction upon learning this: "And we thought we hated high school."

-Were you aware that in the middle of the last century there were two law firms in Britain that were named respectively 'Glass, Cock and Balls" and "Phibbs and Lyes".

No, but we have retained their services from time to time.

-Try the place names in Britain: I once worked at Braintree, and I once drove past Crinkley Bottom on the way to Cockshoot.

Via the Australian.

Man Attacks Police Horse With 5-Foot-Long Penis

The Tale of the Penis Thief

While You Were Sleeping: Scanners in Austin

Claim Your Wang Name

Emily Farris — Mon, 12 May 2008 17:58:00 GMT

Calling all men ~~who name their penises~~! For a measly $17 you can now register Mr. Big Stuff or The Coochie Monster at "the only authorized site to issue certified wang certificates."

NameYourWang.com offers a certificate of the highest quality featuring your wang name, and once you've registered your name, no one else can take it. Unless, of course, you choose to sell it.

We wonder if The Coochie Monster is acceptable considering profane names aren't allowed. "Anyone can come up with vulgar or profane names. We would rather deal with more intelligent clientele."

By the way, Scanner Nicole really, really wants to know what you named your wang.

[Name Your Wang via Yes But No But Yes]