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More of the Best of "The Best of Craiglist"

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:43:00 GMT

It's hard to believe it's been almost ten years since Craig's List officially took over the internet. Craig Newmark's baby has long since proved its staying power and questions about its eventual demise are considered silly since no end appears to be in sight.

Another sign of its vitality is the continuing presence of wacky, original posts showcasing North America's admirable ability to not always take itself so seriously. These few posts prove the site will always be ridiculous, bizarre, unfiltered, and entirely readable... if only in the "Best of" section, which thankfully weeds out the dick pics and political maniacs.

First, a personal ad that makes us wish we were lesbians...

best of craigslist > montreal >

Con U muslim lesbo looking for sweaty "ententes" with Jewish McGillian

What's with the McGill snobbery? Are Concordia dykes chopped liver already?

I'm a sexy Palestinian-born, Concordia-educated lesbian looking to make my very personal, very profound statement for peace by offering my luscious bod to a Jewish McGill gal to do with as she pleases. Let us bridge our cultural and institutional differences in a shuddering display of joy and togetherness and be an example to the rest of the world

Come break some taboon bread with me and I'll sip your Manischewitz wine.

محبوب

Republican at CPAC

Yo... young Republican guy here, attending CPAC this weekend. Looking for a discreet, masculine guy to fool around with. Conservative, closeted guys preferred... would like to meet someone attending CPAC (there are plenty of guys looking for action there), so we have something to talk about. Into making out, jerking off, oral... maybe fucking. I'm 5'9, masculine, 7"uc, brown/ blue.

Be in good shape, under 30, and drug/ disease free. Send pics in first email.

Would prefer to meet up at your place, since I'm sharing a room....

Location: DC

best of craigslist > ann arbor

The Streaker Tripper - m4w

I was streaking through the Diag Friday night at 2:15 am. Coming around the corner of State and Liberty, fast as a naked blur, I bumped into you and we both fell to the ground. I was a little upset with you at first, cuz I scratched my right butt cheek pretty bad, but I knew it was my fault. You said, "Nice New Balances," And all I could say was, "Thanks," with the adrenaline still rushing. In less awkward circumstances, I would have liked to talk to you. I had never run into a girl that fast or naked before... I didn't know how to respond so I helped you up quickly and kept running. Since my friends paid me $100 for making it to Kerrytown with just my socks, shoes, and a big smile, I'd like to take you on a date. You looked pretty fit so maybe you'd like to go for a run sometime. Hit me up! Bye!

best of craigslist > madison

Looking for Bridesmaids - w4w

So, my fiancee and I are getting married in June. He has 8 groomsmen lined up and I only have one bridesmaid. So, I need some girls who are attractive and around my age to stand up in my wedding. You can be single or taken. It doesn't matter....you just have to be hot. But, not hotter then me. Email me for more information. The wedding will be in Madison and you won't have to pay for a thing.

Hope to hear from you!

There you have it, folks-- a dissection of love in North America, circa 2009. (See the full ads and more here.)

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Moms Scaring Us By Taking Fake Babies Out For Walks, Meals

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 22:13:00 GMT

ABC 7 News in Washington, DC has the explosive story: crazed, desperate, disturbed kooky women of a certain age are buying overpriced dolls that burp and sleep and look cute in pink booties and taking the babes around town, pretending they're real...

And it gets better.

Many people like to stop and play with newborn babies, but now some adult women are playing house with fake babies.

Some women are even going as far as taking day trips with the fake babies to the park, out to eat, and even hosting birthday parties for them.

Forty-nine-year-old Linda is married with no children of her own. Now, she says she feels like a mother because she has Reborns -- dolls made to look and feel like the real thing.
"It's not a crazy habit, like, you know, drinking, or some sort of, something that's going to hurt you. It's like a hobby.and it doesn't really hurt anybody," Linda said.

We'll take odds that your husband is thrilled you've found a hobby and that you've chosen this gem.We have to wonder what Linda says when the waiter asks why the baby hasn't moved in thirty-five minutes or tries to touch its little fingers: "Oh, actually, it's not real. I just carry it around because..." Because?

These women are paying big bucks for this hobby, from $100 to a few thousand dollars.

A few thousand dollars?! For a doll. You could always, you know, adopt a starving orphan or something insane like that...

In her Kansas City home, Moore even has an elaborate room for the dolls. She organizes birthday parties, bakes a cake and even invites guests.

Psychologists say there could be a problem if and when these women stop interacting socially with others in their life.

That last line will sustain as the understatement of 2009, mark our words. By the way, Scanner Emily, did you catch that? Lock your doors and load up your AR-15 assault rifle...

Via ABC.

Feet Magazine So Gross, Even Foot Fetishists Will Puke

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 20:32:00 GMT

(No) thanks to the reader who alerted us to the gross/amusing oddity that is Feet Magazine.

The blog, which features unseemly extreme close-ups of toes and cuts on the feet of Hollywood stars (including this one of Denise Richards.)

The pictures on Feet Magazine are about 20 times larger than this one, of Scarlett Johansson's toes, ankles, and a very blue carpet. If you want to see what we're talking about, just start browsing here.

Why do people even want to see extreme close ups of feet? An ex-girlfriend who worked in brain mapping in DC explained one general theory: that in the map of your brain, the feet are right next to your sex organs on your sensory map. Some people, if we remember the argument correctly, have the feet part overlapping the genitals part and so they are extra-excited by feet. (It doesn't, to our mind explain why someone else's feet would be so thrilling, versus having your own feet caressed.) Perhaps we'd better let an expert explain this phenomenon:

From a review of the book Phantoms in the Brain, about research conducted on people who could "feel" their lost limbs and even experienced iches in nonexistent nooks that drove them crazy.

[O]ne of the more memorable examples was the woman who developed sexual feelings in her phantom foot. It turns out the parts of the brain that process sensory information for the feet are adjacent to those for the sexual organs (according to the Penfield map). Assuming that the latter brain area expands thanks to the sensory vacuum created by the missing leg, it seems reasonable to think that the feeling in the phantom limb might be a mixture between the two. This may also account for foot fetishes. Interesting.

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Dumb Cops Make Mondays Bearable

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:42:00 GMT

Like many of you, we're suckers for corrupt cop stories. Not the scary corruption kind (like Matt Damon in The Departed), the kind that involves traffic cops sleeping with women they've given $100 in tickets to in exchange for ripping up said tickets.

Two stories today jumped out at us about cops who weren't just dumber than the criminals they usually tackle, but funnier and widely-publicized, too...

1) A married British constable was sentenced to four months in jail because he could not stop having sex with women while at work. The first woman used to make him meals and had sex with him while he was on duty, while the second woman was undoubtedly a victim. He arrested her after an incident involving her boyfriend, stroked her hands while fingerprinting her, then, while he was supposed to be giving her a ride home in a police van, invited her to take a walk in the woods for a "chat." He then all but forced a kiss on her, whereupon she decided to file the complaint that landed him in prison. Bye bye, copper. [Yahoo]

2) Check this out... you're a bored Secret Service agent and you decide you desperately need to get laid. So what do you do? If you're this unnamed agent, you roll up to a female prostitute, inquire about her pricing, show her your Secret Service uniform so she knows who to look for down the road, agree on a $20 fee (for what? a kiss on the cheek? that's it? $20?), and roll straight over to where the DC police, which is conducting a sting, is ready to arrest you. Let's hope this guy wasn't on the Presidential detail or Barack Obama is in trouble... [Fox]

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This Week In Gayness: Discriminated By McDonald's

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 17:17:00 GMT

Besides Clay Aiken and Lindsay Lohan finally admitting their obvious gayness, there were a couple more newsworthy stories floating out there this week:

A teenage boy has been condemned to die in Iran because he is a homosexual.

The gay marriage fight in DC is nearing its end, as the City Council is almost ready to pass a bill making it legal.

Ian McKellen will tour British schools to teach kids about tolerance. And elves.

I’ve been busy at quite a few schools recently. I went to a wonderful co-ed faith school in Harpenden.
'They were Christians and absolutely determined that their pupils did not discriminate.
They invited me to come and give prizes to 13-year-olds in front of the parents and to talk, partly, about being gay.

'I said that we are all part of a minority group – be it for being short, or tall or fat or thin, or having red hair or whatever. I said hands up who thinks they are part of a minority group and all the hands went up.

A Queensland city agency has ruled a pro-gun, anti-gay nutjob is guilty of inciting hatred for a sticker he displayed that read: "Gay Rights? Under God's law the only rights gays have is the right to die."

A Lousville, Kentucky McDonald's employee is being investigated by the state's Human Rights Commission after the following incident:

Ryan Marlatt, Teddy Eggers, and three other friends had stopped for lunch at the McDonald's restaurant on July 26, 2008, while visiting Louisville for the weekend. While they waited for their food to be prepared, an employee behind the counter referred to them as "faggots" to another employee. Marlatt and Eggers asked to speak with a manager. As they waited for the supervisor on duty to appear, the employee who had called them "faggots" started arguing with them, repeatedly calling them "faggots" in front of other customers and calling one of them a "cocksucker" and "bitch."

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Scantily-Clad Baristas Attack Local Pervert... Ah, Gotta Love Washington State...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 13:20:00 GMT

A man dressed in women's underwear (including on his head and over his license plate) visited a Parkland, Washington coffee shop drive thru three times. It wasn't because of the coffee...

An unidentified perv returned each time to make sure the girls, all of whom were in bikinis as part of the shop's dress code, got a good look at his wang. One of them, however, had seen "very little" but already enough...

Here's the raw video:

He's seen arriving for the first time, grossing out a barista, and roaring off. The victim looks to her friend for help, but soon their expose-r is back for more. (Ladies, it's called "9-1-1.") On the second go around, they try to catch his license plate, but it's also covered in women's underwear. (Even his face is covered-- with one eye partly expose to get their reactions and, um, drive.)

Finally, the victim, who is referred to as "Kylie" in another video, was ready. When the joy rider pulled up for Round Three, Kylie tossed a cup of boiling hot water in his face, allegedly getting the man on his face and arms or legs, depending on who's telling the story in other reports. Guess what his reaction is, just before speeding off for the final time?

“Kylie opened the door and threw boiling hot water on his face and his chest and he said 'oooh yeah...'"

Once again: nine-one-one, everybody. Taking matters into your own hands maybe playing into theirs...

Video clip via LiveLeak. Top image and quote from KIROTV.

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Analysis: A Clinton Victory Would Fracture The Democratic Party

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 15:00:00 GMT

The Washington Post had a very insightful story on Sunday called "8 Questions That Will Shape Where The Race For The Democratic Nomination Goes From Here." Despite the Lawrence of Arabia-long title, it's actually a decent layman's guide to the next several months in this electoral steel cage match.

The Post, as well as other observers, conclude that Hillary's near-impossible uphill battle involves winning more contests, more of the popular vote, fare better in head-to-head matchups with McCain, and convince superdelegates that somehow her nomination wouldn't cause a huge uproar with Democrats:

Clinton must persuade uncommitted superdelegates to deny the nomination to the candidate who has more pledged delegates. But to side with her would almost certainly offend African Americans, the party's most loyal constituency. How many superdelegates will be prepared for that?

Aren't Clinton supporters concerned that to choose an establishment candidate, not entirely favored for the nomination, who gains in the polls when she hints that her Republican opponent would be better than her primary one, would be all but fatal to the party, fracturing it basically in half and disenfranchsing and disenchanting African Americans? Take a look at 1968, a year eerily similar to the one this one is shaping up to be, in which the anti-war outsider/youth candidate (played in that instance by Eugene McCarthy) was bested by an experienced Capitol Hill insider less interested in change and not as likely to energize the base (Vice President Humphrey.) That contest also came down to a controversial convention, one which historians generally agree was the beginning of the end for a resurgent Democratic Party, an outfit which has seldom since controlled the government.

Think about it.

PS We can't resist stonewalling your defense of Clinton's "experience" with this gem from Governor Huckabee:

"To say that being married to the president gives you the experience to be president would be like me saying, you know, that being married to my wife gives me the capacity to explain childbirth because, after all, I've been married to her and she's given birth to our three children." [New York Post]

Before responding to the above, check out the full story in the Washington Post.

I Hate Myself For Loving You: Jamie Tarabay

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 16:00:00 GMT

She's brilliant, gorgeous, and has an accent which is an amalgamation of several hot accents. In fact, there's no reason to feel any guilt at all for being into Jamie Tarabay... other than for the fact that she's National Public Radio's woman in Baghdad.

We therefore feel a ridiculous amount of guilt for loving her and wishing she were here with us instead of doing what she really wants to do, which is apparently to meet some sort of terrible fate for the honor of Robert Siegel.

We'd gladly sacrifice ten to eighty years off the ends our lives to marry the woman we first saw last year on "Real Time with Bill Maher." Yep, move to Baghdad and have depleted uranium babies. No, seriously, we'd move there and the consequences be damned... except now Jamie's apparently back in DC. Now we have no excuse for hating ourselves for loving her, except for the fact that we'd, uh, prefer moving to Baghdad.

P.S. You can't tell from the above pictures (can anyone link to some better shots from her "Real Time" appearance?), but she also has a fantastically attractive gap between her front teeth. Dead serious, it's really hot.