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Website Stockpiles Your Worst In-Flight Experiences

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 19:12:00 GMT

The worst experience we ever had on a plane wasn't really anyone's fault: we were flying from New York to Minneapolis during the Presidential campaign in 2004. For some reason, we had agreed to see in the last row of the plane, next to the toilets. We'd rather pay $400 more per flight than experience that nastiness again.

Anyway, that wasn't the reason it was so awful. We get motion sickness from turbulence and the weather that night was beyond awful-- there's nothing crazier than looking down at lightning-- with huge gusts of wind sending the whole plane into a panic. A flight attendant on her day off was sitting next to us, buying us Scotches and being a terrible flirt. That would have helped a lot, except after a violent, sudden drop, she said quietly, "Oh, no... this is not good."

Somehow, we survived, as did all of these poor souls who faced violence, turbulence, scary noises, and other sounds that were entirely the work of people on the plane. Can you top these crazy tales from Flights From Hell?

Of course, this is an international flight so after making her announcements in English, she proceeds to repeat them in German. The guy starts huffing and complaining that he's sick of hearing that damn German gibberish already! Uh-oh, I'm thinking. But the fun had only just begun. He proceeds to order two double scotches as soon as humanly possible and downs them in nothing flat. Then the woman in front of him tries to recline her seat. He plants his feet and presses with his fists against her seat with all of his might (of course he had HIS seat reclined as far back as possible). She looks back to see if something is wrong and he pretends that nothing happened! Shortly, he fails to remain vigilant and she manages to recline her seat a little...so he starts punching the seat! As hard as he could, he punched the seat in front of him. The poor woman was going to get whiplash.
When I showed her the [barf] bag, I was astonished by her reaction. I figured, “Hey, they deal with sort of thing all the time.” But no, she turned her nose at me and told me to put it under the seat! I was shocked. Not only did the people next to me have to deal with the sound of my retching, but now they (and I) had to deal with the faint but lingering smell of puke from the bag and the fact that it would be under the seat for the rest of the four and a half hour flight.
He situates himself, waits until we take off, and proceeds to take off his shoes....first the right, then the left....followed by, of course, his socks - first the right then the left.....he then begins to PICK at the dead, scaly skin on his feet. I'm not kidding - he used his finger nails to scrape, scrape and pull the dead skin from his heels, his toes, the arch of his foot. After a few minutes, I thought - surely someone would say something to stop him. Definitely the poor person sitting next to him would eventually get fed up at the disgustingness of the situation to ask him to stop. Nope...no one - not a flight attendant, NO ONE said a word.
Two rows behind her on the plane was a mother, father, and their young toddler-aged daughter. The daughter misbehaved terribly. She would sing out loud, kick the seat, toss crayons into the aisles, and pretty much just do whatever she wanted. Luckily, the flight wasn't long, because the mother and father never said anything to encourage the child to stop misbehaving. When the flight did land, a woman sitting in front of the parents and child turned and said, "You should know that your child is one of the most worst behaved children I have ever seen," and proceeded up the aisle to disembark. The next thing you know, the mother flies out of her seat and literally runs up the aisle after the woman. The child asks her father, "Where did mommy go?" He tells her, "Mommy's going to kick some ass."

Ah, there's something to be said for road trips, isn't there? More stories here.

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How To Tell If She's Faking It, By An Orgasm Faker

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 22:35:00 GMT

We have to confess, there have been times when our female partner is having an orgasm that we raise an eyebrow and all but blurt aloud, "You expect me to believe that? That's the pillow case touching you down there!" Or something like that.

Anyway, one woman has finally come forwarded with the information we've been waiting for: a list of signs to watch for if you suspect your partner of faking it when doing it...

Are her lips red?
When women climax, their lips (both sets, but most noticeably her facial ones) turn a little bit redder and slightly swell.

Has her breathing and heart race increased?
While it's easy to fake moaning and groaning, it's harder to fake physiological symptoms. During orgasm, her breathing should sound faster -- almost slightly erratic -- and her pulse should quicken.

Is there an increase in lubrication?
You shouldn't have to reach for the KY, her juices should be flowing freely at this point.

Does her vagina feel tighter?
During orgasm, women experience pelvic muscle spasms and vaginal contractions.

Did her nipples harden?
Almost all women (around 95 percent) have hard nipples during climax.

Can she hold a conversation?
If she is truly having an orgasm, aside from the occasional "Ohmygod" or animal-like grunt, she shouldn't be able to say much. If she's talking in complete sentences, chances are she's not coming.

Is she smiling?
OK, while this reaction isn't guaranteed, most women reactively smile after achieving The Big O. We feel relaxed and satisfied, so really, what's not to smile about?

The only problem with this post is the author's assumption that fakers are only doing it out of genuine love for their partners:

Here's the thing Bros: women will not fake it for just anyone. If we did not care about you, we would not waste the time or energy. If we did not want a repeat performance, we would not stroke your ego and let you think that your maneuvers left us trembling. Because honestly, if I really didn't care about you, I'd say, "This isn't working for me" and draw you a diagram of the female clitoris.

By a show of hands, how many of our readers are fakers? That is, you fake it on a regular basis... for those of you without anonymous logins, how about you tell us a story about your "friend..."

Via the BroBible.

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Website Tracks the Worst Personal Ads From Desperate Dudes

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 23:32:00 GMT

Why Women Hate Men is another one of these websites/blogs designed by guys who are trying to impress women by how much they, too, "despise all the loser single dudes out there so pick me pick me!"

We must point out that, like all men, the individual purporting to be this site's webmaster is a dangerous degenerate. And if you think I'm being sarcastic or "humorous," you are sadly, sadly mistaken. (See above photo of owner for explanation.)

Here are some of this individuals examples of "why women remain single." We thought it was because moving costs are skyrocketing, but it shows you what we know about dating:

feeling very needy right now-39M

my girlfreind left me for another man leaving me all alone, Do you want to be helper in making my life better, I need someone to take care of me and cook for me help me wash my clothes and help me going to work until my car is fixed. I am 6 feet tall and avergae sized, would like to meet women, and please have car for work, i will try and help you pay you back. i am alergic to cats also so don't have cats

ALLOW ME TO HELP SOLVE YOUR HUSBANDS INFERTILITY PROBLEM

I am a 56 year old male. I have decided to get a vasectomy next month and I would like to impregnate a woman before I have this procedure done. It would behoove you to act quickly for maximum exposure to my sperm. I will only do this naturally without condoms. If your husband can't do the job, I can.

Having been asked previously by several couples who were friends of mine to donate sperm, I learned from their doctors that I have an extreme sperm level. I can give you multiple loads of sperm per meeting to increase your chances of getting pregnant.

Many of my physical traits are influenced by recessive genes. Therefore, it is most likely that the child would resemble the mother in most instances. It will be easy to deceive your family and friends into thinking it is your husbands child. It will be our secret. You will not see me again.

If you are 18-24, healthy, attractive, I am available to you. I will be very attentive, supportive, and encouraging, during this process. My vasectomy is in 5 weeks so it would behoove you to contact me as soon as possible.

Just a shot in the dark here, but I've been trying out VigRX for a little while now, and I do notice that I'm getting harder and longer lasting erections (while in self-satisfying mode). It's supposed to be a penis enlargement pill, but apparently it has viagra like qualities as well. I do feel a lot harder. Before, I couldn't keep it up for very long with my girlfriend, but now I think that it might be helping.

Was wondering if any ladies out there would like to help me give it a test run before I try it on my girlfriend. She won't be back for a week so I just want to make sure. Steven XXX-XXX-XXXX

I Know How To Make You Cum. Even If You Haven't Before.

And I know how to do it too. I got some pointers listening to some woman on a talk radio show. Listeners called in. They asked questions and she gave good advice. I listened and took good notes. Now I know how to make women squirt. I can get you there even if you've never been able to experience your "Big-O" in the past. I'm available to host or travel. David XXX-XXX-XXXX

And two more from other sites:

“Here’s my problem: I just adore mature women at least my age or that tend to be 10-15 years my senior. I am baffled by the “type” of rejection that I have been getting lately. Now for the fourth time a woman has told me that I am “too handsome for her” and for that reason she told me that she’s not interested. Can some of you women tell me how this can be? It just doesn’t make sense to me.”

“Morning. I woke up with a random idea to get some drinks this morning. Any girls interested? I’m not looking for anything in particular, just a new friend to enjoy a couple drinks with (i’ll buy of course). I’m well educated, have an amazing job and enjoy meeting new people. Would love to go to one of the 6am bars soon.”

There are 6am bars?! See you losers later, I'm heading there now to meet an amazing girl who can handle my unrestrained handsomeness...

Via Why Women Hate Men.

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20 Most Amazing Coincidences... or Hoaxes?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 20:46:00 GMT

This is an oldie, but when we'd never seen before: Daily Cognition's list of the 20 Most Amazing Coincidences. Some of them have to be hoaxes, as a few of these stink worse than a dumpster at the Pike Place Market, but the rest will blow your cynical little minds...

It's an epic story, requiring at least 45 minutes of your time to pore through, but here are the highlights:

1) James Dean's car went on to kill at least 2 more people and injure several others over the years. Parts of it went into other cars and the rest of it collapsed and eventually broke into nearly a dozen different pieces.

2) A man saved a falling baby on two different occasions. Same baby, same man's head that broke the fall. This one we can't seem to believe-- but the world used to be a smaller place...

3) A guy almost got shot in the face by his scorned lover's crazed brother. Instead of killing him, the bullet nicked his face and lodged itself in a tree. Years later-- and this is the part we don't believe-- the survivor decided to destroy that same tree... with dynamite. You see where this is going, don't you? Indeed, he blew up the goddamn tree-- causing the bullet to fire out, hitting the guy in the face, killing him instantly.

4) Two twins are separated at birth, both are eventually named James, grow up to enter "law enforcement" (a vague enough description to qualify as a coincidence), marry women named Linda, have sons named James Alan (or James Allan), get divorced, and remarry women named Betty. Also, they had dogs named-- what the hell-- Toy. We're guessing it might be true that our lives are preordained, although the fact that this story was published by Reader's Digest calls the whole truth of it into question.

5) Our favorite: when Norman Mailer was writing his widely panned novel Barbary Shore, he decided to randomly work in a Russian spy character. Upon the book's completion, the Feds conducted a major raid on his upstairs neighbor's apartment, arresting the top Russian spy working in America. Mailer must've known, damn it...

Check out the rest, including the book that predicted the Titanic up to and including the reason it would sink and the woman who discovered her childhood favorite book-- and her own copy of it-- half a world away...

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Single Woman Sets 365-Day Deadline For Her Mr. Right, World Groans

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 14:44:00 GMT

Neenah Pickett is a single woman seeking a husband.

This wouldn't be a problem, since Pickett seems likable in her interview with Good Morning America (that show's still on?), except for two things that are working against her: 1) her age, which is 42, is sadly considered past her prime by many men and 2) her location, which is New Jersey. (Just kidding, Jersey!)

Seriously, Pickett has started a website called Fifty-Two Weeks To Find Him, which is basically that-- a website to publicize her quest to find the perfect mate by the end of 2009. Somehow, men are supposed to find the site, watch the videos, judge her from her testimonials and also somehow reside near enough to date her.

Isn't this counterproductive? Sure, curious single dudes will check out her website because of all this publicity, but wouldn't it have been better to have spent this time, money, and energy getting set up with friends of friends, meeting guys in bookstores and cafes, and talking with others about what could help her snag the love of her life? And to set a deadline like this-- for most things, this works, such as completing an art project or to have saved up a certain amount of money or some sort of task that doesn't rely so much on another person's participation, but not love.

True love cannot be put on a calendar, damn it. Luckily, Neena says she is "comfortable" with the idea that she may not find a new love by January 1st-- maybe she's sane after all...

Via ABC News.

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Sloppy Seconds: The Naked Lesbian Bubble Bath

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 21:36:00 GMT

Barbara Walters hit on-- oh God, make it stop-- Michael Phelps.

McCain continues to close in on Obama in the popular vote... at least according to CNN and other journalists desperate for an angle. Meanwhile, Obama is way ahead in the Electoral College. (By the way, don't miss this newly-resurfaced story from the Chicago Tribune, published in 2006, about the chances of an Obama Presidential bid... and the glorious response, in its comments section.)

The Strollerderby shattered a myth about your boobs... letting us know that a new study

disproves the popular conception that nursing results in sagging breasts - a condition technically known as breast ptosis.
The real causes of sagging breasts, according to the researchers, are far less noble: increased age, higher BMI, number of pregnancies, bigger pre-pregnancy cup size, and smoking.

JuicyCampus.com, a controversial gossip site, may be getting banned at Georgetown.

There was a "naked lesbian bubble bath" on America's Next Top Model last night. Of course, ANTM does not air on HBO, so nothing to see here, move along.

After all that, Denise Richards isn't being put out to pasture.

And that nutjob who carved the "B" (backwards!) into her own face and said Obama did it is going to join R.P. McMurphy and The Chief.

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Porn and Pasties: We Missed Out

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

"Porn and Pancakes..." "Porn and Pastries..." and the much-less-appetizing "Porn and Parents" (ouch.) Sounds like the agenda for a totally different kind of "#1 porn site..."

Unfortunately, it was a xxxchurch.com event, and an anti-pornography event to boot:

"Porn and Pastries" was part of an anti-porn weekend at the church that included "Porn and Pancakes" for guys and "Porn and Parents" on Saturday, and a "Porn Sunday" today.
Now, he says, his anti-porn site gets 300,000 to 700,000 visitors a month, depending on the publicity it gets.

Porn and Pastries was the first women-only event that the xxxchurch had done, as it stages more than 100 anti-porn gatherings a year, said Gross. [Seattle Times]

Of course, what Gross wouldn't say on the record was that 290,00 to 690,000 of those visitors were surfing for sexy nun videos. XXChurch, meanwhile, attempts to lead web users toward the Lord and away from Lord of the Cockrings. The event, held in Seattle by a Vegas-based Christian, drew hundreds of women, mainly between the ages of 20 and 40, all of whom paid $10 to hear stories of lovers scorned by porn-loving men. The message here: don't let your husbands look at porn or your lives will be ruined.

Although the message on xxxchurch.com's "Get Involved" page can be misinterpreted to encourage porn-loving:

See, if you think about it one way, it's a kind of Jesus Saves (Everyone, Including) Porn Stars... but if you read it the other way...

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Presenting High Heeled Shoes... For Babies

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 12:50:00 GMT

We're seriously not making this up. And we have pictures of this weirdness to prove it...

Sure, these are "fake" high heels in the sense that they have a squishy heel ("for safety reasons," as one of the designers put it), but we're still baffled that someone thought it was acceptable to have zero to six month old babies stumbling about in shoes with a stubbed dangling heel attached to them. And yes, they are deliberately geared to that exact age group. (Oh, and if, as the designers claim, they actually do fully flatten underneath, then what's the point? Do parents enjoy seeing their daughters crawl along the floor in heels? Reminds us too much of "Secretary" for our taste...)

Admittedly, this would be much worse if the "Heel-arious" shoes (yep, that's the actual name of the company) were just smaller versions of what long-suffering women wear everyday, but do we really want to damage our kids and their feet with this kind of thing so early on?

Perhaps we should give them the benefit of the doubt. Their website is so goofy and tries so desperately to empahsize its own harmlessness that it may, in fact, not be a completely terrible idea:

Extremely funny, completely soft shoes for babies
0-6 months designed to look like high heels
Not intended for walking (heel will collapse with weight).
Not intended to harm children in any way.

WARNING: May cause extreme smiling and hysterical laughter when in use (this is completely normal).

Honestly, probably not for the tot who has to wear them, but as long as mom's laughing her ass off, right? Oh well... if you've had a different experience, we'd love to hear about it...

Via Heelarious.

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back to dailyscanner.com

It's Rough Enough Being A Hooker in Chattanooga...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 16:46:00 GMT

...but then you gotta deal with some dude's website outing you.

We wouldn't be surprised if Trick The Johns, a website intended to clean up Main Street in downtown Chattanooga, TN, is actually a front for some ex-boyfriend's sneaky plan to defame all his ex-girlfriends.

Jay Craven and "about 20 of his neighbors" started the site using candid photos of local pros in action-- walking the streets, that is.

So far the site features only photos of women the Web site’s users believe are prostitutes. However, the site solicits photos of the women’s male customers... and... “pimps” who may arrange the illegal trysts.

The site also attaches a disclaimer to itself, one that we don't think will stop anyone pictured here who is found innocent from suing or at least raising a big stink:

All persons or vehicle drivers/owners shown above are innocent until proven guilty. This site does NOT guarantee that all photographs are of sex workers or clients!

If you believe you have been displayed unfairly, please contact the site and we will post your explanation or remove your photo.

According to the Electronic Frontier Foundation, describing a woman as a call girl (for example) may be libelous, IF THE CLAIM IS FALSE...

Please consider this if you are photographed with a known prostitute entering your car.

For more on this, including photos of the prostitutes, obviously underfunded women who are not at all excited to be there and probably shouldn't be further humiliated on some nasty website, at said website.

Via the Times Free Press.

Today in Porn Art: Rock Formation Artist Weirdo

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 19:30:00 GMT

And now... Earth Porn??

Heather Firth is an artist, or so she claims. She takes pictures of strange ecological/sexual formations for her website "Earth Erotic." Wait till you see some of these hilariously awful artifacts, in full...

Is that a butthole, a rock, or the end of an uncooked pork sausage link? (By the way, this photo? $800. $8-0-0. Yep.)

We're waiting for someone to send us the road sign that directed Firth to "The World's Hardest Penis" in Sedona, AZ. Seriously, how the hell does she find this weird shit? (And, more importantly, how the hell does she get away with selling these for $200 for an 8-by-ten?)

For more Firth/filth; links via AwfulLinkOfTheDay.

The Customer Is Always Wrong At Our "Website Of The Day"

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Me: “Hi, how are you? How may I help you?”
Lady: “Yes, I’d like return this pregnancy test.”
Me: “Okay, what’s wrong with it?”
Lady: “It came out positive.”
Manager, getting frustrated: “Ma’am! I’m sorry but we cannot and will not refund you your money just because it came out positive. Congratulations on your new baby!”

Grumpy Old Man: “There’s too much salt in the shakers.”
G.O.M.: *picks up shaker to demonstrate*
Me: “I’m…sorry?”
G.O.M.: “THERE’S NO SHAKE ROOM!”
Me: “I’ll get right on that."

These and more gems at a sort of Overheard in NY-style blog that collects stories of awful, awful idjits.

If your day has been full of people you have considered beating over the head with laptops, hamburgers, and carburetors, the shitbags featured on Not Always Right will remind you that you're not the only one out there that these people bother.

Customer: “My son is locked out of the house and I need to send him the key!”
Me: “We can overnight the key, and have it to him by 10:30am tomorrow morning. Shall we send the key to the neighbors house?”
Customer: “No, he needs it right now! Why can’t I just fax it?”
Me: “…Ma’am, you can’t fax a key.”
Customer: “Why not? He’s locked out and needs the key!”
Me: “Because a key is a three dimensional object, not a document.”
(Customer stares at me.)
Me: “Ma’am, is your fax machine in your house?”
Customer: “Yes!”
Me: “How will your son get into the house to get the key from the fax machine if he is locked out?”
Customer: “Damn it! You’re right! Well, thanks for your time!”
Me: “I do what I can.”