Scanner : weird shit

Pet Product: For the Discerning Snout

Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 19:09:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Um, hey there. We really need to talk. I know you've been busy and all, but remember how last week we went to the beach and I ran through that pile of kelp? Then a few days later, how I rolled in cat poop? Yeah. So, you haven't exactly bathed me since then, and to be honest, I'm even starting to offend myself.

So I was thinking that maybe, for both our sakes, you should invest in some Sexy Beast eau de doggie cologne...

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Crazy Husband Lady Left Lonely

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 20:56:00 GMT

There sure are a lot of women out there making us feel better about being on the not-so-long road to Crazy Cat Ladydom. First, it was the Crazy Baby Lady and now—possibly less offensive but just as insane—is the Crazy Husband Lady, Linda Wolfe (not that she's always been Mrs. Wolfe).

The 68-year-old Indiana resident has been Mrs. Scott, Mrs. Street, Mrs. Smith, Mrs. Berisford, Mrs. Chandler, Mrs. Essex, Mrs. Moyer, Mrs. Massie, and Mrs. McMillian, among many other names.

"It's easy to sum up," she said of her life. "When I was younger I was just a snot-nosed kid, but the neighborhood boys were all in love with me. They all wanted to marry me."

But after 23 husbands (two gay, two homeless and more than a few who cheated on her—but she never cheated on them!), Mrs. Linda Wolfe is lonely. She has been single for twelve years.

"I would get married again," she said, "because, you know, it gets lonely."

The weirdest part of all of this (to us, at least) is that with every marriage she changed her name! You'd think she might have wised up after the first few.

[Sun Times: Hoosier woman lonely after 23 marriages]

Related:

Crazy Baby Lady Puts Crazy Cat Ladies to Shame

Crazy Baby Lady Is, In Fact, A Crazy Baby Lady

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

Exploding Office Chair Kills Man, Um, Anally

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 20:25:00 GMT

You do the math. Oh, right, this doesn't really make sense does it? Let us try to offer you a bit of an explanation.

According to Gizmodo:

A 14-year-old boy in China was killed when his chair exploded, sending chunks of metal into his rectum. The bleeding this caused killed him. The alleged explosion came from the gas cylinder that was in the base of the chair, the part that allowed the user to adjust the seat up and down.

Is this even POSSIBLE?

[Gizmodo: Boy Killed Anally When Office Chair Explodes]

Related:

Famous People We're Afraid Will Die in 2009

Because We're Twisted: The World's 10 Most Ironic Deaths

Sloppy Seconds: Courtney Love's Bizarre Death Rant

She Don't See Nothin' Wrong With a Little Bump and Brand

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 16:41:00 GMT

That good looking chap went home with the lady to his right. They downed some booze, took some drugs and had some sex. Then, apparently, she decided that he should be hers... FOREVAH. So while Wayne Robinson was sleeping (er, passed out), Dominique Fisher decided she would make it so the entire world would know he belonged to her and only her.

When Robinson woke up, he realized that Fisher had cut up his shoulder, carved a star into his back and her name into his arm.

"I went to her place for sex, not to be tattoed. I can't believe she did this to me and I hate her. When I woke I was covered in blood. Dominique was snoring. I just had to get out of there. I didn't even wake her to ask what she'd done. I'm scarred for life,' he told The Sun. 'I wish I'd never met her."

Um, yeah.

Fisher was found guilty of "unlawful wounding."

[Mail Online: One-night stand man wakes to find lover has carved her name into his arm]

Related:

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

Video From Crazy Kansas Churchies: Santa Claus a Fag, Rapist

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy McCain Volunteer Was Not Marked With a "B" (At Least Not by an Obama Supporter)

Woman Pregnant for 60 Years, Totally Fine

Emily Farris — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 19:59:00 GMT

When a 92-year-old Chinese woman went to the doctor complaining of stomach pain doctors were, uh, surprised to discover that she'd been pregnant for 60 years.

Huang Yijun suffered a (presumably late-term) miscarriage in 1948. When her doctors told her it would cost "more than the whole family earned in several years" to remove it, she decided to just leave it in there.

Dr Liu Anbin at Qingshen hospital said: "I couldn’t believe my eyes when I discovered she had a baby in her belly. I’ve been a doctor for more than 40 years and it’s the first time I have seen something like this."

That baby has been in her belly longer than he's been a doctor! Medics are now doing tests to determine if Huang needs an operation to remove the baby.

Consultant Xu Xianming, director of the Obstetrics and Gynecology department at the hospital, said, "Normally a dead foetus would decay. It’s very rare that Huang can be so healthy."

Um, yeah.

[The Sun: Pregnant for 60 years since 1948]

Pregnant Woman, Tackled And Arrested While In Labor, To Get Her Day In Court

Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnant. Again. (Allegedly.) Probably.

You Know You're Too Young to Be Pregnant When You're Not Too Old to Be Grounded

Caption This: The World's Biggest Rabbit

Emily Farris — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 21:01:00 GMT

[Daily Mail: Ear she is, weighing in at a whopping three stone, meet the world's biggest bunny]

I Hate Myself for Loving You: Charmin Ultra Strong

Emily Farris — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 13:39:00 GMT

Oh, Charmin Ultra Strong toilet paper with Diamond Weave texture, why do you have to feel so good? You're strong and sensitive, yet not mealy in the least; when I'm done with you, you leave no trace. I can forget about you until I need you again.

But, Charmin Ultra Strong, you come with a price. And I'm not just talking about the $4.99 price tag you were sporting last time I picked you up at the bodega.

No, you're deceiving. You look big and substantive, because you're so thick. But whittle away a few layers of your cushy façade, and I'm sometimes left stranded, dirty and desperate. Out of nowhere! And now that I think about it, you only really come around when I'm doing well, financially. You always make me think you're in it for the long haul, but like a scared little boy, you run out just when I need you most. These are the times I turn to Scott. He may be cheap, and he may not treat me as well as you do when we're alone, but at least he's reliable. Even when I'm broke, he's there.

All your faults aside, I just can't let you go, Charmin Ultra Strong. Because if I ever lose my shit, I'll be the type to spend two years on the toilet, as opposed to jumping off a bridge or smoking crack. And Scott will only make my life more miserable. It will be those private moments between us that keep me going, Charmin. So in the end, I'm glad to have you on my side.

Balancing Spaniel Warms Our Hearts and Makes Us Feel Kind of Tired

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 19:31:00 GMT

This 8-year-old King Charles Spaniel has more purpose in her life than anyone you know. She balances shit on her head and body while in a "trance-like state" for hours at a time. The bitch puts that circus seal and his red ball to shame. She's got steel implants in her legs and a weak heart, but still she is pulling off shit like this:

The only trick our dog ever learned was how to steal sandwiches off the kitchen counter, and it wasn't because we taught him how. Little asshole doesn't even know how to make a decent cup of coffee let alone balance a plate with yogurt on it for 5 hours.

Hot or Not? Ice Jewelry

Emily Farris — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 20:01:00 GMT

Or maybe we should ask: genius or ridiculous?

From the designer, Katharina Ludwig:

"If water itself is worn as a jewel the preciousness of water is enhanced. Put on the body it will melt by the body warmth. What will stay is just the core of it and the marks the ice leave at your skin."

That's cool and all, and we guess it could be kind-of hot, in an ice-cube-on-the-nipples way. For like ten minutes, maybe. But we have a few questions. Does each piece come with its own ice tray so the jewelry is always remade in the shape originally created by the designer? Won't it melt by the time we get it home? And uh, why don't we just make our own? Once we learned how to make our own popcicles at 5 or 6 our lives changed forever.

Our verdict: jewelry made of sweetner is much more practical. Until you sweat, anyway.

[Ice Jewelry via Netorama]

Video of the Day: Partner Equilibristic

Emily Farris — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 15:41:00 GMT

A tipster in Sweden sent us this video, and while it's totally creepy, it's also way hotter than anything we've been up to lately. Plus, in the beginning, the music reminded us a little of LOST.

We wonder if these two are also doing it.

(Thanks, Eric!)

Pictures of Guys With Spray Tans

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 14:26:00 GMT

Barstool Sports has put together a nice collection of guys, in New Jersey, with spray tans. We're pretty sure we see the same guy reappear in a few pictures, so BS either ganked these from some kid's MySpace page or he knows one of these guys. Either way, it's hilarious and disturbing and reminds us of when we were 13 and had orange legs and wore way too much eye shadow. Except this is worse. Much, much worse.

[Barstool Sports via BoingBoing]

UPDATE: We learned via a BoingBoing commenter that these pictures come from Hot Chicks with Douchebags, and that guy who appears in many of the pictures was Douchebag of the Year, 2007. Yes!

Rubber Junk -- THAT Kind of Junk -- Under Attack in Virginia

Bryan Christian — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 15:05:00 GMT

Guess we shouldn't have let our subscription to Truck and Crazy Ass Redneck Driver lapse, because apparently some folks like to hang plastic nutsacks off the backs of their pickup trucks -- and this is the first that we've heard about it!

Our Bulls Balls are the Original Truck Nuts on the Internet.
These Classic Bulls Balls and Big Boy Nuts styles can be mounted any way you wish.
Our Hitch Hanger Assembly is an available option. Order below for easy hanging on both styles.

Mounted any way we wish? SOLD!

Actually, not everyone's as hot for these things as much as we are. Take Virginia resident Lionel Spruill, for instance. Spruill happens to be a State Delegate, and his most recent delegatin' move has been to introduce a law which would ban replica testicles from the backs of automobiles, claiming it's a safety hazard. Said the AP: "Spruill, a Democrat from Portsmouth, would make display of the ornamentation on a motor vehicle a misdemeanor punishable by a maximum fine of $250." A-ha! Saving the rear-end ball swinging for those horse-and-carriage-riding fatcats in Colonial Williamsburg, eh?

Gmail Scans and Semen Tanks

Emily Farris — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 18:33:00 GMT

A tipster, Ali, sent us this email:

You know how Gmail posts little "Web Clips" at the top of your inbox? I don't know if they're personalized or anything, but I wasn't sure why I should care that semen tanks are on sale. You'll be happy to know that MVE has the best prices on the net for all your Bovine Semen storage needs: sementanks.com

Thanks, Ali! Hilarious? Yes. We all know that Gmail scans our emails for key words and provides appropriate ads. But when she forwarded us that email we got the same ad. So, come on, Ali. Fess up. What were you emailing about?

How to F*ck Up Your Kid From Childbirth: Have an Orgasm While He Makes His Way Down the Birth Canal

Emily Farris — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 21:07:00 GMT

Sometimes we stumble upon a website we wish we wouldn't have. One such example is orgasmicbirth.com. In case you were wondering, it's exactly what you think it is.

Orgasms can be great pain relievers, yes, but it doesn't exactly seem like that's what they're going for here. And sometimes these things happen by accident. But purposely having your first experience with your living, breathing child be an orgasmic one? Well, that's a little too new age-y, even for us.

If you're into that sort of thing, they're making a documentary about it. And we do know a few men who are really into pregnant ladies. So maybe someone will be glad we found this site.

[Via MomLogic]