Scanner : willie nelson

Bearded Man of the Week: Kris Kristofferson

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 18:01:00 GMT

Over the next few days, two of your Scanner bloggers will be seeing Kris Kristofferson play solo acoustic concerts. Most people wouldn't even know it if country music's greatest living songwriter passed through their towns, but we never miss him. The author of "Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down," "Me and Bobby McGee," "Help Me Make It Through the Night," and many other classics is no showman-- and his voice ain't much these days, either. But few have written songs this good before or since, and that's worth the price of admission alone.

Now, for the first time in ages, Kris is making headlines across the country, thanks to a controversial Rolling Stone article by Ethan Hawke. The anecdote that begins the story is the best music tale we've ever heard... and one you won't want to miss.

Oh yeah... and did we mention lots of beard photos after the jump?

In the new Rolling Stone, Ethan Hawke recites a story that involves hanging with Kris backstage at Willie Nelson's 70th birthday several years ago. While everyone waited in the wings to go on, Toby Keith (he's not named, but it's been confirmed elsewhere) walks by and says, "Hey Kris, none of that left shit out there tonight." We wish we had the full article in front of us (it's not online) so we could recite every word, but here's what we could pick up from press releases and other excerpts:

At that moment in time, the Star had a monster radio hit about bombing America's enemies back into the Stone Age...
[After Kris said something like, "What did you just say to me?" and stepped to Keith, Willie muttered something about not getting Kris riled up.] Then Kris, an Army vet during the 60's, got in Keith's face and asked, "Have you ever killed another man? Huh? Have you ever taken another man's life and then cashed the check your country gave you for doing it? No, you have not, so shut the fuck up."
Mr. Keith replied, "What?" and Kristofferson said, "Don't what me, boy! You heard the question. You just don't like the answer. I asked, 'Have you ever served your country?' The answer is, 'No, you have not.'"
And then, right there in front of Ray Charles and Norah Jones and Willie Nelson and a bunch of others, Kristofferson told Toby Keith... "You don't know what the fuck you are talking about!"
[Willie, of course, was trying not to laugh. At the end, he told Hawke-- this is not a direct quote-- "Waylon Jennings always used to say, 'Those kind of people did for country music what pantyhose did for finger-fucking.'"
Side note: according to Walyon's son Shooter, his Dad used to say that about one person specifically: Garth Brooks.]

Excerpts via the Tennessean, Rolling Stone, and other sources.

Meanwhile, Toby Keith and Kris Kristofferson both denied the story, with Keith claiming he never even met Kris that night. The media are having a field day with this one, thanks to there being no other entertainment news out there right now.

Related:

Bearded No-No of the Week: Mel Gibson's Chin Pubes

Beard vs Beard: Rick Rubin and Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Justin Vernon

Top 10 Breakup Songs

Top 10 Bands That Twitter

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 22:51:00 GMT

Celebrities are becoming addicted to this horrible twat service, Twitter. If Britney Spears (allegedly) breaks her Salinger-like silence by using the free website to communicate with humans (ex-husband K-Fed doesn't count, seeing how he is a zombie), then is there nowhere for Twitter to go?

10. Rilo Kiley

Rilo Kiley in Legos >> http://tinyurl.com/234ch7

9. Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds

Excited for tonight. Jarvis [Cocker? -- Ed.] is coming by with daiquiri mix and a cardboard cutout of himself. You still up for a jam session, @andylevy?**

8. The Eagles of Death Metal

I love this tweezy thing.

7. The Dave Matthews Band

I wonder if snail farts smell if you're close enough to the snail's asshole to smell something so tiny?

6. Pearl Jam

wonders if Britney Spears having a Twitter is a jump-the-shark moment.

5. Ryan Adams and the Cardinals

Uploading new YouTube Holiday Hotel Jam of "Two"!
P.S. 2000 Followers! Thanks!

4. The Raconteurs

Vote for "Old Enough" on CMT Pure's 12-Pack Countdown http://tinyurl.com/p67st

3. AC/DC

Big announcement 1 or 2 weeks away..

2. R.E.M.

What song do you most want to hear the band do tonight? #rembowl Reply back to @remhq
Michael Stipe's 4th set of responses are up on popsongs - http://tinyurl.com/42rh4r

1. Sonic Youth

another one mixed : no way. are we done? a few fix-ups yet to work on tonight. work on the artwork is continuing.
"no, i wanna see the hairy gonads hanging fr yamaha spkrs"

Hopefully, next week's Top 10 list of our favorite musicians that Tweet will be more exciting. (Actually, we already know Tom Waits and Willie Nelson will be on there, so that's gotta count for something.)

Honorable Mention: The Beastie Boys and Guns 'N Roses. Both groups signed up for Twitter and have yet to make any updates.

**We acknowledge the Nick Cave Twitter is most likely a parody, yes.

Related:

( : 0

Want to See What We Twat?

Twitter Gets Hacked, Or: Exactly How Large Is Britney's Vagina?

Top 10 Celebrity Twitterers

Today is the Day the Music Died

Famous People We're Afraid Will Die in 2009

Colleen Kane — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 14:40:00 GMT

No one could have called Heath Ledger's untimely demise in 2008, but there are some olds who just take on that look of imminent death, as if their essence is draining away. It won't be long once someone takes on the death look, and no one seems to ever shake it off. Paul Newman had it this year. (RIP, Best Guy to Die in 2008.) The ones with the death look are dancing a tango with the Grim Reaper as we speak. Another dead giveaway is if you are reminded about an older celebrity and can't remember if they're dead or not.

The ones in grave danger, a few wild cards, and an example of the death look, after the jump.

Old Hollywood: Mickey Rooney -- He is going to be 89 if he makes it to his birthday in September. Unfortch, he has two factors working against him: the death look, and I couldn't remember if he was still alive or not until looking him up. Runners-up: Elizabeth Taylor, Peter O'Toole, Kirk Douglas

Comics: Don Rickels -- He's got the death look, big time.

If he makes it through 2009, I'll eat my hat. Runners-up: Jerry Lewis, Bea Arthur (too much of a loss to celebrity roasts to contemplate), Phyllis Diller, Carol Burnett

Too Soon: Amy Winehouse -- It wouldn't be surprising if she woke up dead after some party night. I hope not, but it wouldn't be surprising. Runners-up: Swayze -- He's never looked so gaunt; there may be some truth to the rumors that his cancer is getting the best of him.

Classic Country: Merle Haggard -- He's got the cancer. Lung cancer. Runners-up: Loretta Lynn and Willie Nelson, not because they appear to be on death's door, but because that would be just my luck if they died before I got to see them perform live. (I will forever regret missing out on Johnny Cash.)

Rock and Soul: Fats Domino -- Death look. And I didn't realize he was still alive until he got airlifted out of the Ninth Ward during Katrina. Runners-up: Etta James -- I forgot she was still alive until Beyonce's recent portrayal.

Leaders: Ted Kennedy. Runners-up: Jimmy Carter, Fidel Castro, if he's still alive and not propped up for photo ops a la Weekend at Bernie's, Kim Jong-Il, if he's not already dead with an imposter or several in his place as many news reports have speculated. We have another slight possibility in mind that would also be filed under Too Soon and would involve an assasination, but it's too unthinkable to even write.

Sports: I hate sports, so who the F knowss

How Are They Still Alive: Abe Vigoda

Did I miss anyone obvious?

Related:

Wino Goes Topless and We Say No No No

Spoon Or Spork: Amy Winehouse

Amy Winehouse: A F*cking Disastah

Image: Rickels with fellow "comedian" John Mayer, johnmayer.com/blog

While You Were Sleeping: Mark Foley's Replacement's Sex Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 13:08:00 GMT

A homeless man in Florida was arrested for sleeping nude on the steps of a City Hall. Insult to injury: he was given $150 in bail which, obviously, he probably can't even pay.

Farm Aid 2008 is playing in a loop here. (The lineup: Neil Young, John Mellencamp, Willie Nelson, Dave Matthews, Kenny Chesney, Arlo Guthrie, Jerry Lee Lewis, The Pretenders, Jakob Dylan, and much more.)

How much would you pay for a date with this porn star?

This knife violence on Greyhounds in Canada fad? It shows no signs of stopping.

Dane Cook is the gift (of unintentional comedy) that keeps on giving. (A friend responds that we should start a letter writing campaign demanding Newswatch apologize for calling Cook a "funnyman.")

Disclaimer: the following story is only somewhat new and was ignored by almost every reputable media outlet. That being said, maybe there's something to it: Democratic Rep. Tim Mahoney, who replaced Mark Foley in Congress, is caught up in a scandal of his own... and, some conservatives say, a sex scandal to boot:

The Post reported that the house Mahoney lists as his primary residence and the address he uses on his voter registration card are not the same. The address on his voter I.D. is listed as a barn inside the district, the address he claims as his primary residence is outside the district. This is unusual in that it doesn’t look good to his constituents that he doesn’t live in the district he represents. However, it is apparently legal.

So... where's the sex?

The discrepancies in where Mahoney claims his primary residence and the address listed on his voter I.D. card (a barn) are supposedly due to the fact that Mahoney and his wife no longer share the same address.

Apparently, Tim Mahoney, through one of his consultants, has paid a former staffer, Trish Allen, $250,000 in hush money to keep a sexual harassment lawsuit brought by Mrs. Allen against Congressman Mahoney from the public view. [via]

Hey... Wanna Make Out? With A Thousand People?

The Josh Hartnett Sex Tape: At Least It Won't Be In Night Vision

Neil Young Announces Quite Possibly Greatest Concert Ever

Scanner Highs and Lows: Can You Say Disappointment?

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 May 2008 22:23:00 GMT

Seriously, we thought we were going to get fingerbanged and then we didn't. How do you think our week went?

Highs:

We learned that people who have more money than we do dress a lot worse than we do.

Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson performed together.

We learned that you'd rather do Chrissie Hynde than Madonna.

The Top 10 Teen Pop Stars made us laugh and cry.

We learned how to make our own dildo cam.

Our suspicions about Star Wars were confirmed. Maybe.

Lows:

We were really, really disappointed by National Fingerbang day. Really fucking disappointed.

We were pretty disappointed by Scarlett Johansson's music video.

We were disappointed when Akon and T-Pain didn't invite us to this awesome lunch.

Miley Cyrus and her dad got a little too close for our comfort.

So did Hulk Hogan and his daughter.

We were very scared by the Montana Meth Project.

Video of the Day: Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg Perform "Superman" in Amsterdam

Emily Farris — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 20:21:00 GMT

Two of our favorite performers in one of our favorite cities. Pure bliss.

Choose Your Own Adventure: Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 19:31:00 GMT

We didn't have time to draw up an Obama vs. Hillary "Choose Your Own Adventure" cover (it's Friday, it's cold, we're drunk, choose your own ~~adventure~~ excuse), so this classic Mellencamp one will have to suffice.

As for the promised "Choose Your Own Adventure: 2008 Democratic Presidential Primary" edition, well, you'll see what we mean...

Forbes has a new chart/game/thingy called: "How Can Obama or Clinton Win the Nomination? You Decide!" Basically, players enter random percentage totals for the upcoming primaries into boxes. The site then tabulates the delegate count and shows, well, how Obama is going to win.

Yep, unless you enter large and unrealistic numbers for Hillary Clinton in most of the upcoming contests, including places she will lose big (such as Vermont), you can see how selfish it will be for her to continue the race much longer, especially after Texas and Ohio on Tuesday, where the race is tied.

Check it out here. By the way, I chose the adventure where Mellencamp meets Willie Nelson at the North Pole and gets the giant bong hit of Alaskan Thunderbolt and has crazy visions of little pink houses for you and me... for you and me, baby! It was pretty good but you had to be there.