Scanner : wonkette

Sloppy Seconds: Angelina Jolie Pregnant Again

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 22:00:00 GMT

Any interest in auditioning for Puppetry of the Penis? We know a few Scanner bloggers who would attend your opening night performance...

In a stunning upset, Rascal Flatts topped Miley Cyrus on this week's Billboard album charts.

Why was a 25-year-old woman having sex with an 83-year-old man in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart? Nevermind, we'd rather not find out.

Believe it or not, there is a code of conduct for the crazy Mexican drug lords doing all that shooting.

Larry David on Woody Allen, and Woody Allen on Larry David makes for interesting reading for film buffs.

We hope Megan Fox wakes up one day soon and realizes this Brian Austin Greene character is about as cool as New Kids on the Block.

That Bruce Springsteen affair story just won't die.

Barack Obama got naked in Boston-- in a way.

And baby makes seven... not counting its parents, of course: Angelina Jolie is apparently ten weeks pregnant, according to unconfirmed reports.

Aging Gracefully Like Sophia Loren

PETA Names the Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door...

Missouri Legislators Try to Create the Crime of "Coercing an Abortion"

Seattle About To Enjoy Wave of Segway Strippers

While You Were Sleeping: Clit-Pumpin' Glory

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 14:42:00 GMT

An 83-year-old woman in Hungary warms our hearts by continuing to work in her chosen career: crime.

Amy Fisher is going on that rumored stripping tour.

There's a penis in Grand Theft Auto IV! Guess they have to do something to offset the rampant exploitation of women.

Funniest headline of the day: "'Clinton Lays Out Broad Asian Agenda'. This headline makes sense no matter how you arrange the words."

Try the clit pump-nasal spray combo for mind-blowing female orgasms!

How can you not love Sam Donaldson after this clip from a Wonkette/Gawker interview he did?

Jane's Addiction is back... and Nine Inch Nails says goodbye.

The Democrats in Congress are enjoying a rare boom in popularity thanks to the stimulus.

Check out the hamburger dress. Actually, don't bother.

Yay for Dita Von Teese, who insists she'd chose her stripping career over a man any day.

You should read this MTV story about the Lily Allen-Perez Hilton Twitter spat only because it's hilariously sad.

Related:

Eternal Hardons Landing Men in ER

Bedpost Beta Will Make You Feel Like The Slut You Really Are

No Foreplay For You

I Hate Myself For Loving You: Lily Allen

Pic via Drunken Stepfather

It's Friday, And There's Just Too Much Good Stuff To Squeeze It All In

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 20:10:00 GMT

We're busy getting ready for the debate tonight... stocking our liquor cabinets, preparing pancakes, you know, the usual...

We don't have time to tell you all about the other amazing stories going on in the world right now. The stories that involve Sacha Baron Cohen's invasion of an Italian fashion show... Wonkette's most hilarious debate watch party drinking game... Johnny Cash's beyond-the-grave meditation on freedom... and much more...

But we'll give you a varrry nice taste...

Sacha Baron Cohen's Bruno crashed the Iceberg show in Milan and walked the runway in that hilarious outfit. He was soon escorted out, but not before footage was captured for his totally ridonkulous new movie film... [Telegraph]

People Magazine released a beautiful and preachy recording of Johnny Cash reciting "I Am the Nation."

Fark has video of the first 1992 VP debate, which is apparently going to be somehow similar to this evening's Presidential battle. Meanwhile, Wonkette's drinking game for tonight is the greatest thing they've ever come up with.

A press report indicates the McCain campaign is in utter "chaos" following McCain's decision to suddenly fly to the site of the debate.

And a candidate for governor of Bangkok has pulled a McCain and suspended her electorial fight after her campaign manager drowned during a publicity stunt. The campaign manager was swimming in a canal with the candidate call attention to the area's unsafe drinking water when he began flailing his arms. TV cameras and onlookers assumed the worker was goofing off and didn't rush to help until after he had long since disappeared. The campaign manager, by the way, has a seven-months-pregnant wife. Damn.

That is all.

Borat Make New Movie Film For You!

Is Jessica Simpson Headed for a Life of Bad Clothes and TV Dinners?

McCain Sabotages His Own Attempt To Save The Nation

Which Candidate Spends More on Make-Up Than We Do On Shoes?

BREAKING: John McCain Suspends His Campaign

If There's One Way to Make The Tragedy of 9/11 Worse, This is It

Emily Farris — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 19:58:00 GMT

Remember earlier today when we said we wanted to forget that it's the seventh anniversary of the World Trade Center terrorist attacks? Well, ladies and gentlemen, artwork like this is why.

After the jump: "free fries for your suffering" and "like a Jesus rising up from the ashes."

More pain and suffering at Wonkette.

Papal Visit Gets Its First Great Sex Abuse Joke

Bryan Christian — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 17:12:00 GMT

Weirdly, Wonkette didn't actually make it; they just caught it.

Everyone Attacks: Obama and Hillary

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 19:44:00 GMT

The world is on the warpath against female politicians today. There's the Mayor in Oregon who was, um, "stripped" of her office (their words, not ours) after posing on a fire truck in her skivvies.

Last night, Tim Russert foolishly tried to mock Hillary for not knowing the name of Putin's successor-- foolish since nobody else knows it either. Apparently, the Cleveland debate came off as a bad Saturday Night Live sketch-- and that was just how the Clinton campaign saw it.

McCain's opening act kept referring to Barack Obama by his Wonkette name ("Hussein! Hussein! His name is HUSSEIN!") to the point where McCain had to take the stage and put the guy down with a bodyslam. And you thought the general election was going to be pretty?

In another sign the ugliness is still in full effect, a Pennsylvania man stabbed his brother-in-law during an argument over which Democrat they should support. Let's be glad that two states with very few gun owners (Texas, Ohio) are next on the docket. Oh. Right....

The web was abuzz with the rumor that President Clinton (the first one) said, "Vote for me" in a slip-of-the-tongue. That would have given Obama (and other detractors) a lotta ammo against the Family. Thankfully, it turned out to just be this realy confusing blog entry... and not too far from the truth.

Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton's campaign is going negative on Obama, which is helpful to both of them. Negative campaigning is an Election Year strategy staple of Bill's, lifted from the mind of Republican guru Dick Morris, and has always worked for his own Presidential campaigns. Obama, on the other side of the coin, needs to learn how to take the punches and go on the offensive himself, something he is reluctant to do because he made it this far while remaining positive and avoiding almost all wars of words or preemptive attacks. It remains to be seen whether a candidate can win a competitive primary while coasting through an opponent's barrage of negative attacks.

And for the first time in this election cycle, the people are giving in to the electability issue.

What does all this mean? All this infighting in the Democratic Party has let McCain take the national lead in both matchups (eight points over Clinton, four points over Obama.) Lefties should hope that whoever loses the contests on March 4th will drop out and instantly endorse their opponent. After all, if McCain's numbers go up in a week where he is accused on the front page of the New York Times of cheating on his wife, then we're all sinking in a big pile of horseshit...

Speaking of McCain's cheating, it at least got him one bit of good news: a Lindsay Lohan "endorsement."

[Photo: Dana Edelson for NBC -- how is it that Amy Poehler can make anybody look hot?!]

Is Condoleezza Rice a Virgin?

Emily Farris — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 13:23:00 GMT

While we were busy putting together our slutty outfits on New Year's Eve, the kids at Wonkette were actually working. They spent the day rounding up Condoleezza Rice's most awkwardest moments of 2007, and found that it was, in fact, her most awkwardest year ever. Even more awkward? About a month ago we walked past the set of a documentary on Condi while the host was positing that Miss Rice is a virgin. At first we thought it couldn't be. Do virgins even exist anymore? But then we did a little googling and while we still have no proof, we're not the only ones who think Condoleezza might pass the white sheet test. If this is true, we'd like to offer her a complimentary Gold membership to Nerve Personals.

[Wonkette: 2007: Awkwardest Condiyear Ever]

Leftovers for Breakfast: Presidential Candidate F*uckability

Emily Farris — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 14:01:00 GMT

Yesterday Wonkette, the D.C. gossip blog, ran a two-part video series on presidential candidate fuckability. It leaves us kind-of wanting to put together one of our own.

Candidate Fuckability Quotient Part I

Candidate Fuckability Quotient Part II (quite possibly a little more insightful than Part I)

Related: Reuters, Likeability is key in presidential race