Since being named as a steroid user in the Mitchell Report, 7-time Cy Young Award winner Roger Clemens has mounted an aggressive defense, if not an especially convincing one. He issued a denial via YouTube, sat down with 137-year-old Mike Wallace for light grilling on 60 Minutes, held a press conference at which he played a taped conversation between himself and his accuser that sounded like a bad David Mamet play, and earlier this week issued a statistical report meant to clear his name in some way nobody has been able to figure out yet. Clearly, the Rocket is intent on preserving his baseball legacy. But what of his motion picture legacy?
Now, it's true that the Screen Actors Guild has yet to adopt a formal policy on the use of performance enhancing substances (as Sylvester Stallone will be happy to attest). But certainly these accusations cast a shadow upon the Clemens filmography. In his earliest screen appearance in 1994's Cobb, Clemens showed tremendous range as "Opposing pitcher," a snarling, burly righthander. After giving up a hit to Ty Cobb (Tommy Lee Jones), Clemens grows ever more agitated as Cobb torments him on the basepaths, at one point threatening that the next pitch "will be in your ear." Of course, there are many who consider Cobb to have been a dirty player, if not a downright cheater, but nonetheless he is in the Hall of Fame. Look for Clemens to present his scene from Cobb before Congress on February 13th.
Clemens next took on the challenging role of "Skidmark" in the Farrelly Brothers' bowling epic Kingpin, near the end of his time with the Boston Red Sox. (Conspiracy alert: several years later, Clemens was in Yankee pinstripes. The Farrellys went on to make Fever Pitch, featuring Red Sox cult hero Johnny Damon, who himself became a Yankee shortly thereafter. Coincidence?) Watch this scene, and I think you'll agree Clemens displays some distinct signs of 'roid rage:
Clemens' final screen appearance to date was a cameo as himself in — you guessed it — Anger Management. Need we say more? Folks, the man is a ticking timebomb. But we would be remiss if we didn't mention that his greatest performance came not on the mound, nor even the silver screen, but on The Simpsons. And it's especially poignant now that we know one of the side effects of HGH is compulsive chicken-clucking. Truly this is a modern American tragedy, but for now, let's just try to remember the good times.
