Stay tuned...live blog coverage of the 81st Academy Awards begins Feb. 22 at 7:30 PM (EST) or thereabouts!
SVD: Hey ho! Scott Von Doviak here. I plan to join Andrew for the Oscar snarking tonight. And I plan to be even drunker. Stay tuned!
7:49:
AO: Welcome, Von Doviak! Andrew Osborne here...we're almost on our way...Baba Wawa is interviewing Mr. Rourke somewhere off behind me on the TiVo, and he hasn't smashed anything yet, but they just bleeped him. Tim Gunn's waiting in the wings...let's get ready to rrrrrrruuuummmmbbbbllllleeee!!!!!!!
7:53:
AO: My wife didn't think Hugh Jackman was gay until just now, when she saw those clips from The Boy From Oz on Baba Wawa. (Also, he and his wife adopted their kids...suspicious!)
7:58:
AO: Hugh Jackman just gave Baba a lapdance. Uh...that pretty much settled THAT question.
8:04:
My wife Amy and my mother-in-law Dori are none too pleased with all the damn grey on the red carpet.
8:07:
SJP and the Bastard Broderick on the red carpet together. Hugh Jackman says: "DRAAAAAAMMMMAAA!!!!!"
8:12:
First Loki shout-out of the evening. Mickey Rourke had ordered a tiny dog tuxedo for his best friend. Somerville bursts into tears. Meanwhile, Amy says Robert Downey, Jr. is far too orange.
8:15:
Miley Cyrus' dress: Dori wonders if Tim Gunn is choking back vomit.
8:19:
The PriceWaterhouseEtc. accountants just got an "accountant" montage on the red carpet (including the "Accountant" song from Meaning of Life), then they did a little synchronized Pip spin. Yay, accountants! (And boo Penelope Cruz dress is the consensus in Somerville). And then...Dickie Jenkins! Woo!! And also Hoo!!!!
8:23:
Amy sez: Marisa Tomei never gets it right.
8:26:
In a video clip, we're informed this year's Oscar designers are planning to put music on the stage. (Except, of course, the nominees for Best Song.)
8:31:
The set is unveiled...70% '30s, 30% '70s. And now: comical music number.
8:38
SVD: Hey, a musical number incorporating all the nominated films! I remember when Billy Crystal did this in like 1973.
AO: On the other hand, the Benjamin Button gag was more entertaining than the movie. And I think I just fell even more deeply in love with Anne Hathaway.
8:46
SVD: "Mickey Rourke, you look great!" Ah, no.
8:50
SVD: OK, I already hate this new format, what with the previous winners kissing the current nominees' collective asses. And I can tell Tilda Swinton hates it too. The winner is - Penelope Cruz! I'm one for one.
AO: CRUZ! Woo-hoo!!! (But...uh...are five Teamsters gonna come out next to announce Best Sound Editing?)
8:58
SVD: Milk wins best original screenplay. I think this guy might be gay!
9:03:
AO: Jennifer Aniston on stage next to Jack Black in front of Brangelina. Ouch. And...uh...way more Space Chimps than I was expecting at this year's Academy Awards ceremony.
9:11: First Styx shout-out of the evening!
9:22: The best costume design winner seems like he's only got about four minutes to live. Why so grim, best costume design winner guy?
9:25
SVD:I'm not sure what it is about this particular Oscars, but I'm starting to feel like I'm never going to make it to the end. But hey, congratulations makeup guy, for making Brad Pitt look like an old baby.
9:28
AO: Okay, I was gonna make a snarky comment about no Milk clips in the Romance montage and then...dudes kissing! Right there on the teevee! You go, Hugh Jackman!
9:32:
Second award show Joaquin mockery in 48 hours. Still funny.
9:36:
Amy is confused by the thing in the pocket of the Best Cinematography winner. Also his tiny jacket and gigantic hair.
9:37:
The return of the lost dog ad. In Austin, TX, Maury the wonder chibeagle offers a standing ovation. Here in freezing Somerville, Dori salutes the ads for spring fashion. Y'know, clothes you wear when it's warm.
9:39:
Jessica Biel dispenses with the Nerd Oscar technical awards in a record-breaking 14 seconds. But the consensus in Somerville is this muthah's still draggin' -- nevertheless, first Jerry shout-out!
9:47:
Hey! Whaddaya know? The Nazi movie won!
9:53:
Ah, how I love the Tonys!
SVD: I knew the musical-theater geek Osborne would love that shit. Not that I have a problem with Beyonce shaking her jelly.
10:03
AO: Ah, Walken and Gooding, together at last. (And, yes, Amy was thinking Beyonce's packing a little extra jelly this year...not that there's anything wrong with that.)
10:08
And the Oscar for Best Foregone Conclusion: Ledger!
10:09:
It's a sad moment. Even Rourke is subdued. So we won't mention the Australian couture.
10:14:
Ah, Bill Maher mocks religion right after the sad Heath Ledger's in heaven moment. Comedy = timing.
10:17
The little French tightrope elf balances an Oscar on his chin, thus guaranteeing Oscar clip fame for years to come. And then the nice documentary short winner comes down from the cheap seats...but really! The Academy honors you!
10:25:
Okay. They should totally do that action movie montage every year. WOOOO-HOOOO!!!!!!!! (Meanwhile, Amy and Dori yawn quietly in the background.)
10:33:
Pookutty!
10:40:
Amy says, "Well...it's not the WORST Oscars ever..."
10:42:
Whoops...okay...everybody sit up. Murphy's introducing Jerry.
10:46:
Jerry Lewis: made of class. I couldn't be more disappointed.
10:47:
Incidentally, for those of you who didn't read the Entertainment Weekly interview: Jerry did NOT appreciate all the fart jokes in The Nutty Professor remake. Again: class.
10:53:
Must...stay...awake...through...original...score...montage...
10:56:
Alicia Keys magically appears on my television. To quote Bob Dylan, "There's nothing about that girl I don't like."
10:57:
Amy's okay with the Gabriel-for-Legend switch. Mmm...nutmeg...
11:01:
Gulzar!
11:08:
The Best Foreign Film winner is HAPPY! He is here because of FILM! He would like to see Frida Pinto NAKED! He didn't mean to say that ALOUD! (Oh, wait...that was ME!)
11:15:
Really? No Ledger in the memorial montage? Hmm...
Meanwhile, I'm especially sad to see Newman, Pollack, Montabaln and Mac go. And I didn't know Vampira was gone! Vaya con dios, Maila Nurmi!
11:20:
Danny Boyle is very, very happy.
11:22:
Good speech, Danny Boyle!
11:25:
Nice unibrow, montage Audrey Hepburn!
11:27:
Five Best Actresses presenting Best Actress.
Amy sez: five women, one original face.
I say: when did this become a National Honor Society induction ceremony?
11:30:
Amy sez: Who punched Sophia Loren in the mouth?
11:34:
Kate Winslet's father is Truman Capote? Who knew?
11:36:
Oh, yeah. We definitely love us some Winslet here in Somerville.
11:39:
I just noticed that beneath the Best Actor nominees being honored by the Best Actor alumni: Kung Fu Panda leaping into the air, again and again.
11:41:
Oops...somebody in the booth must have noticed...no Kung Fu Panda for Jenkins.
11:44:
Somewhere in Dog Heaven, Loki is crying.
11:45:
Hey! Sean Penn made a funny! You go with your self-aware self, Sean Penn!
11:47:
For once, I'm happy to hear Sean Penn wax political.
11:53:
Sweet Best Picture montage, Steven Spielberg!
11:54:
Who Wants To Be A Mullllllionaaaaaiiirreee?
11:55:
Awwwww...you go, lovable little Mumbai kid!
11:57:
Oh, and I like the thing where they preview the 2009 movies at the end. But as for the rest...eh. (Dori's final grade: C, Amy's grade B- and me...hmm...I dunno, I was too busy blogging, but...uh...let's not do that five people presenting the award thing again, okay? Meanwhile, Somerville consensus on Best Dress: Alicia Keys. Worst dressed: Miley Cyrus.
Okay, that's it! Thanks, Scott, thanks to everyone for reading, and GOOD NIGHT, MUMBAI!!!!!!!!!
