Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.

I have to admit, I've never really cared about ninjas. Never had a ninja phase. I'm not even all that clear on what constitutes a ninja. For instance, last week I wrote about 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, in which the ninjas were little kids with slapsticky martial arts moves. I'm not sure what distinguished them from karate kids; they didn't do any mind tricks or disappear in puffs of smoke. Whereas if I am to judge ninjas from American Ninja V, those skills are part of the package. And don't even get me started on the teenage mutant ninja turtles, who have some sort of pizza-related power I've never been clear about.

So yeah, as you've probably guessed from the above, I have never seen American Ninja I-IV. Apparently this doesn't really matter, since I am reliably informed that the American Ninja of the fifth installment is not the same American Ninja from the third and fourth entries, although the same "actor," David Bradley has the lead role. He is also apparently not the same American Ninja as the one played by Michael Dudikoff in the first two American Ninja movies, even though they are both named Joe, while the middle American Ninja was named Sean. Also, Michael Dudikoff came back for the fourth installment, but not the third or fifth, so American Ninja 4: The Annihilation is the only one to feature both American Ninjas. I don't understand why it has to be so complicated, so let's go back to the part where I said it doesn't really matter.

So there's Joe, played by David Bradley, who reminds me of the Kickboxer 4 guy in an bland musclehead way. He lives on his boat, which is being revarnished by attractive Lisa (Anne Dupont) due to a crazy mix-up. Fortunately, Joe has a timely house-sitting gig for Master Tetsu (Pat Morita), but unfortunately the gig comes with babysitting duties, as Tetsu's grandson Hiro is left in Joe's care.

Meanwhile, Lisa is kidnapped by evil ninjas working for an unethical arms merchant who has already kidnapped Lisa's scientist father, who has invented a new insecticide that can be used as a biological weapon against humans in concentrated doses. The movie consists mainly of scenes in which Joe rescues Lisa and scenes in which Joe rescues Hiro, who keeps tagging along and getting in trouble. Every once in a while, a ninja disappears in a puff of smoke. I still don't know how that works.

Given the emphasis on the little ninja kid, as well as the supporting role for Pat Morita (who himself appears in a puff of smoke at one point), what we have here bears more resemblance to an unofficial Karate Kid sequel than a hardcore martial arts movie. I didn't think there was enough of a shortage of official Karate Kid sequels to warrant a fake one, but then again, I didn't know there were five American Ninja movies and four 3 Ninjas movies until I started this project. I am learning so much.



Previously on Unwatchable:
44. Leonard Part 6
45. Another 9½ Weeks
46. 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain
47. Creepshow 3
48. Cool as Ice