Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.
This is historic, people - a rare SXSW/Unwatchable crossover. Although Troll 2 comes in at number 41 on the version of the IMDb Bottom 100 list I've been working from, there's no doubt that it has spent some time in the number one spot. In fact, this is proven in Best Worst Movie, the terrific documentary about the cult of Troll 2 I just told you about. I wouldn't want to take that honor away from it, but we've got a system here at Unwatchable, so for our purposes, Troll 2 doesn't even crack the Top...er, Bottom 40. What a relief that will be for director Claudio Fragasso.
So the big question is: does Troll 2 live down to the hype? Is it a cult movie for the ages or just another stinker to be briefly considered and discarded on our way to the bottom? Well, I doubt I'll be watching Troll 2 dozens of times like some of the people interviewed in Best Worst Movie, but there's no way I can call it unwatchable. It could never be confused with run-of-the-mill junk like Another 9 1/2 Weeks or American Ninja V; it's so very, very wrong in every single aspect that it creates its own fully realized world. A nonsensical, ridiculous world, yes, but you can't say Fragasso doesn't have a vision.
Michael Paul Stephenson, now director of Best Worst Movie but then an 11-year-old boy, stars as annoying little Joshua Waits. Along with the rest of the ostensibly normal all-American Waits family - father Michael (George Hardy), mother Diana (Margo Prey) and sister Holly (Connie McFarland) - Joshua is getting ready to spend a month in the country. Specifically, the Waits clan will be house-sitting for a family in Nilbog, Utah, while that family spends a month at the Waits house.
When the Waits clan arrives at their vacation home, a welcome feast has been set out for their consumption. As the ghost of Joshua's grandfather informs him, this feast is made up of goblin food. I don't think I would have needed a dead relative to inform me there was something a little off about the food judging from the bright green hue, but the rest of the family is perfectly content to dig in. Joshua must stop them, so grandpa freezes time for 30 seconds so he can urinate all over the meal. This leads to Troll 2's most famous scene:
There's more, oh, so much more. There's a general store that sells only curdled milk. A witchy temptress who uses a corn cob as a means of seduction. The revelation that Nilbog is...wait for it..."goblin" spelled backwards, and that the town is populated by goblins who use their bright green food to turn humans into plant-people they can then consume. The town elder's speech about the evils of meat (including foul-smelling urine and clusters of hemorrhoids), the incomparable weight-lifting and dance stylings of Connie McFarland, the glassy-eyed, overmedicated mother's demand that Joshua sing that song she likes, "Row, Row, Row Your Boat," the satisfying knowledge that the power of goodness and double bologna sandwiches are all that is required to defeat the forces of evil...you might be tempted to think someone made Troll 2 this mind-bendingly awful on purpose, but Best Worst Movie proves otherwise.
I don't know what sort of rating to give Troll 2. On the one hand, if any movie deserves the full four Maurys, it's this one. On the other hand, it seems unfair to lump it in with unimaginative, soul-sucking garbage like Meatballs 4. I'm not ready to sign up for the cult, but I have to admit Troll 2 could very well be the most watchable Unwatchable so far.
Previously on Unwatchable:
42. Zombie Nightmare
43. American Ninja V
44. Leonard Part 6
45. Another 9 1/2 Weeks
46. 3 Ninjas: High Noon on Mega Mountain
