It’s time for everyone’s favorite occasional feature, wherein I preview a handful of upcoming movies I know nothing about based solely on their posters. It’s like judging a book by its cover, but in motion picture form!
Dragonball Evolution (April 10)
An ordinary suburban paperboy is infused with superpowers when a meteor from deep space crashes into his crotch, leaving him with one giant glowing testicle he calls Dragonball! They said this controversial graphic novel was unfilmable, but when the new line of Dragonball action figures hits toy stores next week, the streets will be filled with kids hucking rocks at each other’s family jewels.
Is Anybody There? (April 17)
Michael Caine will have Academy voters in the palm of his hand with his warm, autumnal performance as Mortimer Digbottom, a retired mortician in Blandford-on-Stoatswallow who decides to accompany his grandson on a train trip to the spelling bee championship in London. The grandson isn’t participating in the spelling bee; he just wants to watch.
Mutant Chronicles (April 24)
If you’ve already watched Wolverine online and you still want to get your mutant on, here’s some dark, gritty apocalyptic action for you. Gloomy, underlit, over-edited and certain to be beloved by everyone who feels there simply haven’t been enough Underworld movies.
Fighting (April 24)
In Step Up, Channing Tatum was dancing. Now Channing Tatum is…fighting! Probably with his shirt off. I mean, he’s wearing a shirt in this poster, but I’m sure it won’t last. Terrence Howard co-stars as the guy who got written out of Iron Man 2.
Next Day Air (May 8)
Let’s see, we’ve got two guns in the foreground, which means action. But we’ve got comical expressions on the faces of the cast, which means comedy. Folks, I think what we’ve got here is one o’ them action-comedies I’ve heard tell about. I’m guessing some overnight delivery personnel got their hands on the wrong package at the wrong time. Also, the girl with the big boobs has a shirt that says “Protect Your Package.” If it’s a hit, the sequel can only be called Second Day Air.
Related:
2009 Movie Poster Preview
Screengrab Movie Poster Preview
