The Screengrab : american idol

Screengrab Death Watch: Day One

Andrew Osborne — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 11:49:00 GMT

And now, the end is near, and so we face the final curtain...

Yes, it’s true...as it turns out, the shitty economy, global warming, the death of print media and the looming Swine Flu pandemic are only the tips of the iceberg of sadness we’ll all have to deal with this year.

We learned yesterday that Nerve.com will be shuttering some of its culture blogs including...(sniff, sniff)...this one: sad to say, the Screengrab is not long for this dirty old world.

So enjoy our beloved, non-commercially viable coverage of the cinematic universe while you can...and stay tuned for plenty of clip-show nostalgia, maudlin eulogizing, a heart-tugging farewell song from Bette Midler and, in a last-ditch attempt to boost hits, 100% more gratuitous Tits & Ass...like, uh...that chick from The Hills showing her butt!

Unwatchable #72: “Meet the Spartans”

Scott Von Doviak — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 18:30:00 GMT

Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.

Here’s a serendipitous turn of events – not for me, of course, but maybe for somebody out there. On the very day that Disaster Movie, the latest parody from the writing-directing team of Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg, is released in theaters, our Unwatchable selection of the day just happens to be the humor-challenged team’s previous effort, Meet the Spartans. (And when I say effort, I don’t really mean it in any traditional sense of the word.) This is purely coincidental, but if I can do anything to dissuade even one person from spending money on Disaster Movie this weekend, I’ll consider this post a success.

I doubt that’s going to be possible, though, since it seems highly unlikely that any regular Screengrab readers would be seeing Disaster Movie in the first place. For my part, Meet the Spartans was my first experience with the Seltzer-Friedberg team, but I can’t say I was completely unaware of what to expect – basically, that these bozos are Zucker-Abrams-Zucker for people who were often dropped on their heads as children. Spartans is ostensibly a parody of 300, but really just a string of pop culture references linked by scenes of shiny-chested men in leather loinwear. Notice I say pop culture references, not pop culture jokes; Seltzer and Friedberg proved to me that they watch Entertainment Tonight and TMZ, but not that they have any ability to synthesize their crapulent media saturation into something that would make me laugh.

For example: A group of Persians arrive in Sparta to inform King Leonidas (Sean Maguire) that he must submit to the rule of Xerxes. Leonidas proceeds to kick them into the pit of death. He is about to leave when he notices Britney Spears sitting in front of the pit, shaving her head and flashing her pixilized coochie. He then kicks her in the pit of death. Really, it’s not like I’m looking for some explanation for Britney Spears being in ancient Sparta. I realize it’s all part of the free-wheeling zaniness. But you can’t just have her shaving her head and flashing her girl parts. We’ve already seen that. Likewise, when Ryan Seacrest and the American Idol judges appear in front of the pit, it’s not enough that Simon is mean, Paula is loopy and Randy says “dawg” a lot. Maybe that was enough when MAD TV did their very first American Idol send-up 147 years ago, but if you don’t want people to think you’re stupid, untalented assholes, Messrs. Selzer and Friedberg, you really need to step up your game.

Alas, I do think they’re stupid, untalented assholes and I’m just sorry anyone encouraged them as children or even told them they were the “funny guys” in high school. They weren’t, I am almost certain. Here are some things they think are funny: 1) Balls. Now, here they happen to be correct. Balls are funny, particularly when they’re getting punched and they aren’t mine. It’s somewhat less funny when a Happy Feet penguin teabags Leonidas, but again, it’s because there’s no real context. Ball jokes with context – now that’s humor. 2) Homo jokes. Yes, I imagine there is some humor to be mined from the homoeroticism of 300, but the gags here are about as subtle as prison sex. 3) Celebrities and reality TV. In addition to Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan also make appearances to reference their tabloid troubles and flash their digitally obscured vaginas. (All celebrities are impersonated, of course, except for Carmen Electra who seems to be under the impression that she’s acting in the role of Queen Margo.) We not only get the American Idol panel, but the judges from America’s Next Top Model and Dancing with the Stars. There’s even a Deal or No Deal reference, which really shows Selzer and Friedberg are invested in crafting timeless comedies for the ages.

The worst thing about these non-jokes is that Selzer and Friedberg feel the need to explain them as they’re happening. So when the fat guy from Borat shows up as Xerxes, the narrator tells us he looks like the fat guy from Borat. And when a symbiotic black Spider-Man costume slithers over Carmen Electra, the narrator tells us it’s much like what happened to Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man. An appearance by Rocky Balboa is highlighted by the lingering close-up of the ROCKY stitched on his shorts. It goes on and on. Actually, it just seems like it goes on and on, because, as we learned from this Phil Nugent post and as I can confirm, Meet the Spartans runs for a little over an hour before the end credits begin. After a while, the credits stop and some deleted scenes from the movie are played. I’d really love to know how these particular scenes became the outtakes. The only thing in the whole movie that remotely caused my mouth to twitch in the direction of a smile was Leonidas howling “Tonight! We Dine! AT HOOTERS!” Yet somewhere along the line, a decision was made to remove that scene and show it at the end to pad out the running time. I take back what I said earlier. I think it was Selzer and Friedberg who were repeatedly dropped on their heads as children.

Previously on Unwatchable:
73. Fascination
74. You Got Served
75. The Last Sign
76. Kickboxer 3: The Art of War
77. BloodRayne 2: Deliverance

Trailer Review: The House Bunny

Paul Clark — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Anna Faris is such a sunny and committed actress that I can't help but like her. Unfortunately, her tendency to gravitate to crappy movies makes this something of a challenge. Sadly, House Bunny does little to reverse this trend. Like many Happy Madison productions, House Bunny has a promising premise- a pampered young woman suddenly having to learn how to apply her meager life skills to an unlikely job. But true to Happy Madison tradition, they find a way to turn this premise into the most juvenile product imaginable, with plenty of forced slapstick and cheap shots at easy targets. In addition, it's painfully obvious that Faris' "geeky" charges- who include Katherine McPhee and Emma Stone (Jules from Superbad)- are obviously hot chicks in heavy makeup, which makes their miraculous transformation into stunners inevitable instead of surprising. That said, Faris at least appears to give it her all, doing her best to put a spin on over-explained jokes like the American Idol bit. And maybe it was just my low expectations, but her bizarre technique for remembering names got a chuckle out of me, which is better than some trailers I could mention.

"It's Like 'Willy Wonka' Meets 'The Wild Bunch'..."

Scott Von Doviak — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 16:30:00 GMT

As the Writer’s Guild strike grinds on, it’s as good a time as any to pay tribute to those for whom the screenplay is not so much a job as a lottery ticket. Present company is definitely included – like most of my fellow Screengrabbers, I have a desk drawer full of brilliant yet tragically unproduced scripts, any one of which should have made me a millionaire by now. But I’ve also been on the other side of the equation, having spent several years reading scripts for Hollywood production companies and a well-known screenwriting contest, and I’m here to tell you that for every unknown writer with an original story told in a compelling fashion there are approximately 7000 folks who should have put the hard-earned money spent on their Final Draft programs away for a rainy day.

Still, as long as there are influential individuals willing to sift through haystacks in search of a needle, the dream lives on – which brings us to this Entertainment Weekly piece about Nehst Studios, a new company spearheaded by former Shooting Gallery exec Larry Meistrich. Nehst (pronounced “next,” but spelled in a more Google-friendly way) is not exactly Project Greenlight – although some participants have compared it to American Idol – but it is a way for aspiring screenwriters to get some feedback on their ideas, and even some option money if Meistrich and his fellow judges like what you’re doing.

In the EW article, Meistrich says “We charge 10 bucks per pitch, but that's really just to weed out the maniacs.” I can’t believe that works, having read Unabomber-like screeds from screenplay contest entrants who paid a $25 fee, but what the heck. If you want to give it a shot, check out their site – but don’t quit your day job just yet.