The Screengrab : deadwood

"Last House on the Left"'s Garret Dillahunt: The Thinking Man's Ted Bundy?

Phil Nugent — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 17:00:00 GMT

Garret Dillahunt plays weirdos and monstrous sons of bitches, with the occasional son of God thrown in. He's best known for his work on TV: on the HBO series Deadwood, he killed Wild Bill Hickok (Keith Carradine) and then, after he had been brought to justice for that terrible act, the show's creator, David Milch, ordered that he be shaved, have his wardrobe upgraded, and be brought back as a new character, one "Mr. W", who used his time off from his job fronting for a cutthroat capitalist villain to carve up the staff of a whorehouse. Dillahunt also played Jesus on the short-lived The Book of Daniel and currently plays a killer robot on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. In movies, he was in No Country for Old Men (as Tommy Lee Jones's deputy) and The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, where his character paid the price for Robert Ford's taking so goddamn long to get the assassination carried out. Now he's the chief sadistic rapist-murderer in the remake of Wes Craven's gutbucket classic The Last House on the Left. Under the citcumstances, it seems reasonable that interviewer Choire Sicha would want some reassurances that he isn't the kind of guy who takes his work home with him. "You know," Dillahunt says, "I don't think I am! There wouldn't be much craft in it if you actually become those people. I like feeling like I have some skill."

Then again..."I'm real proud of it," Dillahunt says of Last House, "which is an odd thing to be proud of. I'm proud of this rape-and-pillage movie. There are reasons that I consciously did the thing -- but there's something about that basic story that is speaking to people, and I think did to me when I read the script. And I think it's because the job situation is getting weird, people feel so powerless right now. People feel like they've been raped by -- fill in the blank, the economy, 9/11. Wes Craven last night called 9/11 the ultimate home invasion. Not meaning to be glib -- but that feeling of violation we all had. People are really responding to the film in a visceral way -- and I think it gives them some release. I kind of feel like it will defend itself. Wow, I got so deep there."

As for his TV work, Dillahunt says that he "get[s] recognized more" since he started doing Terminator, because the killer robot is -- "one of the first characters I played that looks like me," adding that "there's a lot of Terminator fans out there, which belies the ratings!" He credits David Milch and Deadwood for "changing the way I view material. . . . What made Deadwood special killed it, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. For anything! And I owe a lot to that experience. Spiritually. Praise the Lord! I do that too. I get embarrassed about waxing on and I cut myself off at the knees. That's a nice little trait there, FYI." Getting cut off at the knees would be the nicest thing he does to his Last House co-star Sari Paxton, but "I've worked with her before. I was happy about that at first. Then I thought maybe it's a bad thing -- you don't do this to friends! But she was so game and tired of playing mermaids..."

The Screengrab's 12 Days of Christmas Marathon: "Bad Santa"

Leonard Pierce — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 21:30:00 GMT

Welcome to installment #2 of the Screengrab's leisurely holiday stroll through some of the most beloved Christmas movies in holiday history: the 12 Days of Christmas marathon! You certainly don't have to do what I did, and watch all of these movies in a row over a period of two days, but if you do go that route, make sure you have a really comfortable chair and a lot of stuff to mix with your eggnog. For our second go-round, we decided to follow the path set for us by The Nightmare Before Christmas and move on to another movie with a somewhat jaundiced view of the season. But while The Nightmare Before Christmas was a harmless kid's toy, the equivalent of a scampish M-80 in the toilet of Christmas cinema, today's movie is substantially more dangerous and unpredictable, a grenade pitched into a urinal.

Released in 2003, Bad Santa was the second narrative film directed by Terry Zwigoff, and his first attempt at full-blown comedy. It's a movie that could easily have gone astray: the last thing the world needs is another picture about a cynical, world-weary rogue who cons his way through Christmas only to find redemption and learn to love again at the hands of a good woman and/or an adorably winning urchin. And to be sure, Bad Santa has those elements in spades, to the degree that plenty of people, already leery of Zwigoff's ability to handle broad humor as adeptly as he'd handled teen angst in his previous effort Ghost World were getting pretty nervous. Casting Billy Bob Thornton, who had already been tempted to the dark side of mediocre but high-paying blockbusters, didn't help much.

But audiences and critics who doubted what the combination fo Zwigoff and Thornton were capable of in this most subversive of holiday fairy tales were severely underestimating how far they were willing to go to fuck up the formula. Although there are tiny moments of redemption buried in the mountain of hiliarious sludge that make up the movie, they carry around them not a whiff of treacle, because of the degree of virulence the director and star apply to their extended middle finger to the genre. Willie T. Sokes isn't just some tired old wag who's seen one too many people being naughty on Christmas Eve; he's a genuinely loathesome old creep so impossibly degraded that even the kind of life-changing redemption that such movies save for their third act would manage only to transform him from irredeemable to merely disgusting.

And Bad Santa doesn't stop there in its ruthless determination to make hash out of one's expectations from this sort of thing. The adorably irascable sidekick is an African-American elf so breathtakingly foul-mouthed that he wouldn't be out of place in an episode of Deadwood, and he doesn't like the main character very much either. The love interest is a hopeless superfreak. And best of all, the adorable waifish child, in whose name the hero is expected to get his shit together and walk the narrow path towards salvation, is less an elfin Dondi clone than a borderline sociopath fat kid who inspires feelings of helpless creep-out. Like a lot of holiday movies, this one is about lost souls finding each other; but once they do, they don't know what the hell to do with each other, or even particularly like each other very much.

Bad Santa isn't a perfect movie. It oversells itself on occasion; it goes for one too many cheap gags; and it does, at its black and evil core, want us to walk away with a song in our hearts and the sun on our shoulders. But happily for those raised on a steady diet of the unpalatable saccharine of most holiday movies, it's still admirable and highly successful in its determination to ape the formal structure of those movies while yanking the rug out from under them at every turn. It's not the kind of thing you want to share with the whole family, but it's a hell of a funny movie, and after the stress of spending 14 hours with that one uncle who keeps telling the same story about when he worked at the dog food factory in Newbridge, it's the perfect palliative to too much holiday cheer.

12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS RATING: An acrobatic 10 Lords a-Leaping. Despite its early placement in the 12 Days of Christmas Marathon, this is one you probably want to save for after darn on Christmas Day, when you and your special someone are cranked full of enhanced adult beverages and sick to the gills of all the fake-ass festivities.

Related Posts:

New Holiday Classics: Reindeer Games

The Screengrab's 12 Days of Christmas Marathon: The Nightmare Before Christmas

DVD Digest for December 9, 2008

Paul Clark — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 15:00:00 GMT

This week brings a number of interesting possible Christmas gifts for the DVD lover in your life, no matter what his or her taste might be.

DVD of the Week: There are probably about half a dozen DVDs coming out today that I’d be happy to receive for Christmas. But if, say, some unnamed benefactor with deep pockets was to give me any of this week’s new releases (hint hint), the one I would want most would be the Murnau, Borzage and Fox DVD Collection (Fox). Spotlighting two of Fox’s most celebrated silent filmmakers- F.W. Murnau and Frank Borzage- the set collects a dozen of their great American silents, from Murnau’s City Girl and Sunrise to Borzage’s 7th Heaven and Street Angel. But while the films alone would justify the purchase, the set is also filled with extras that should prove to be catnip for silent film junkies, including a feature-length documentary about the filmmakers, several commentary tracks, and the alternate European cut of Murnau’s masterpiece Sunrise. Perhaps most exciting is the inclusion of material related to Murnau’s famous lost film 4 Devils, including the screenplay, a stills gallery, and a documentary about the film. All in all, it’s the perfect Christmas gift for the movie nerd in your life, not least if that movie nerd is me.

Of course, if you’re on a budget, that movie nerd would probably be happy with a number of this week’s other releases. Also worth mentioning on the classics front is the release of two of the most inventive films of the 1990s, Olivier Assayas’s Irma Vep (Zeitgeist) and Lars Von Trier’s Europa (Criterion), released in the U.S. as Zentropa. Also of note are a pair of double-feature DVDs from Warner, one containing Chamber of Horrors and The Brides of Fu Manchu, the other pairing The Shuttered Room and It!

If the DVD nut in your life is more of a TV watcher, you could do a hell of a lot worse than HBO’s massive box sets of The Wire: The Complete Series (HBO) and Deadwood: The Complete Series (HBO). Or if he’s more into brain-teasing fantasy, give Lost Season 4 (Disney, also Blu-Ray) a spin. And the classic TV nut should go for Get Smart: The Complete Series (Universal).

If you’re looking for some discs to go with the snazzy new Blu-Ray player you’re getting Christmas morning, this week brings the comedy triple feature of Dodgeball (Fox), The Mask (Warner), and Super Troopers (Fox).

Finally, this week’s new releases on DVD include something for the kids (Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hears a Who! [Fox, also Blu-Ray]), something for the ladies (Sex and the City: The Movie Ultimate Collector’s Edition [Warner]), and something for the documentary fans (James Marsh’s stunning Man on Wire [Magnolia]). Oh, and there’s a little something called The Dark Knight (Warner, also Blu-Ray) coming out this week. I figure it’ll sell at least a few copies, but don’t quote me on that.

Morning Deal Report: "Rome" Redux?

Scott Von Doviak — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 15:30:00 GMT

Be it ever so crappy, there’s no resisting the new Christmas movie over the long Thanksgiving weekend. The latest evidence is Four Christmases, a big, stinky chunk of holiday coal that nevertheless filled its stocking to the tune of $46.7 million since its Wednesday opening. Bolt nipped Twilight for second place, with both taking in over $26 million. The other major debut was Baz Luhrmann’s Australia, which finished in fifth place with a $20 million total since Wednesday.

Kelsey Grammer and Bebe Neuwirth are reuniting, but not for a big screen version of Frasier. They’ll both play instructors in the remake of Fame, alongside Charles S. Dutton, Megan Mullally and (of course) Debbie Allen as the principal. “As with the 1980 original, the remake follows dancers, singers, actors and artists from auditions to graduation at the New York City High School of Performing Arts,” Variety confirms.

We never got those Deadwood movies (and never really wanted the Carnivale ones), but there is another extinct HBO drama that may see the light of theaters. “Bruno Heller says he wants to produce a theatrical wrap-up to his critically beloved and prematurely canceled HBO drama Rome,” per The Hollywood Reporter. “Heller would not discuss plot ideas, but the original series outline for Rome next called for the hedonistic Roman leaders to deal with the rise of a certain problematic rabbi -- a story line that would have put a whole new spin on the Greatest Story Ever Told and potentially bring Rome a larger audience.”

Related:
Take Five: HBO
Trailer Review: An American Carol

Unwatchable #77: “BloodRayne 2: Deliverance”

Scott Von Doviak — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.

Here’s a nice change of pace. In our last installment, we looked at the zombie western The Quick and the Undead. This time it’s the vampire western BloodRayne 2: Deliverance. If there are any mummy westerns awaiting further up the list, well, I’d just as soon be surprised.

BloodRayne 2 is the first Uwe Boll movie we’ve encountered on our journey up the Bottom 100 chart, but I’m confident it won’t be the last. Boll is, of course, the renowned videogame-to-movie schlockmeister and favored punching bag of internet movie geeks. And true to form, BloodRayne 2 is a videogame adaptation, although I must confess to being familiar neither with the game nor the first BloodRayne movie. Because I care, I did a little research before settling down to enjoy the film. Here are my findings: Rayne is a half-human, half-vampire hybrid known as a dhampir. Her father was the king of the vampires and was played by Ben Kingsley, and this sort of makes me wish I was watching the original rather than the sequel. Alas, there is no Kingsley (nor any other known actors) in BloodRayne 2, which was released directly to video.

I also gather that the first BloodRayne was set in 18th century Romania, whereas BloodRayne 2 is set in the Old West town of Deliverance. (Confusingly enough, the BloodRayne videogame was set during World War II, but we’ve got enough to worry about without getting into that.) Deliverance is a quiet little place that’s just now getting the railroad, and reporter Newton Pyles (Chris Coppola), who has been dispatched from the east coast to collect true tales of the wild, wild west, is having trouble finding anything wild to write about. That is, until a pack of vampires descends on the town to feed on the children of Deliverance. Their leader: Billy the Kid! Billy the Kid with a Romanian accent! Just like in all the stories.

Who can stop these fiends? Only the dhampir Rayne (Natassia Malthe, #53 on Maxim’s 100 Sexiest Women list). Sure, in her leather cowgirl outfit she looks like she should be pouring Jager shots and dancing on the bar at Coyote Ugly, but she’s handy with swords and guns that fire silver bullets rubbed in garlic and blessed with holy water. Her showdown with Billy the Kid is one for the ages, assuming the ages were between 9 and 9:30 last night.

I have to assume this is not close to Uwe Boll’s worst work, because it’s pretty much indistinguishable from any other straight-to-video genre junk. Boll rips off musical cues from Once Upon a Time in the West and Deadwood, so at least he steals from the good stuff. There is one scene that, while not particularly well executed, at least caught my attention. It involves a trap Billy the Kid sets, with the town’s children rigged up with nooses around their necks and Rayne struggling to balance a weight that will keep them from being hanged. But now that I think of it, Boll probably ripped that off from a better movie, too.

Previously on Unwatchable:
78. The Quick and the Undead
79. Anus Magillicutty
80. The Smokers
81. Soccer Dog: The Movie
82. American Soldiers

Take Five: HBO

Leonard Pierce — Fri, 30 May 2008 18:45:00 GMT

Sex and the City: The Movie opens everywhere that Cosmopolitans are sold today, and the odds are pretty good that it will make enough money to keep Sarah Jessica Parker in sundresses for the rest of her life. There is little doubt as to whether or not the movie -- based on the inescapable HBO original series -- will be successful; the real question is whether or not it's going to be any good. One thing is for sure: it will at least make more money than the other films that have been made out of HBO's original television programming. They're a pretty dismal set of money-losers and critic-displeasers, ranging from the not good (Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny) to the very bad (the Mr. Show movie, Run Ronnie Run) to the completely awful (the Tales from the Crypt spin-off Bordello of Blood). If the long-rumored Deadwood movie ever gets made, or if the Sopranos movie doesn't turn out to be a disappointment, this may change things, but in the meantime, HBO's television shows have yet to produce a movie worth watching. Less known, however, is that HBO has a production arm that has put out a number of worthwhile films, many of which had theatrical releases prior to their run on the pay cable network; some of them, in fact, were released exclusively for theatrical release through HBO Films or their sister company, Picturehouse FIlms. With their overseeing company, New Line Cinema, dead, the future of HBO Films is uncertain, but given the quality of their past releases, they're sure to find a new home somewhere with parent company Time/Warner. Here's five fine films that were released under the HBO Film distribution banner.

AMERICAN SPLENDOR (2003)

The first, and arguably the best, of a rash of terrific film releases by HBO Films in the mid-2000s, Shari Springer Berman and Robert Pulcini's inventive (and sometimes elusive) documentary about underground comics writer Harvey Pekar stands alongside the remarkable Crumb as a compelling, if sometimes troubling, look at an American original. The comparison is by no means coincidental: legendary cartoonist Robert Crumb is a longtime friend of Pekar's, and the man he first recruited to illustrate his stories of the struggles, victories, humiliations and triumphs of everyday life. If it's a little disengenuous to claim that Pekar is the indestructably normal person he claims to be (and it is -- normal people, after all, do not compulsively and sometimes brilliantly catalog the minutia of their lives in autobiographical comics), there's nothing at all phony about Pekar, his everyday heroism, the skewed attitude and refusal to surrender to the diificultues of an ordinary life, or his irascible and cynical -- if never openly cruel -- sense of humor.

ELEPHANT (2003)

The first of a series of collaborations between HBO Films and director Gus Van Sant, Elephant is the best of the lot -- and may in fact be one of the finest films of the decade. Inspired by the horrific mass murder at Columbine High School, the fragmented, almost dreamlike story of a pair of alienated high school students who go on a shooting rampage is a meditation on violence unlike any other in recent cinematic history. Elephant is a quiet, open, almost meditative film, breaking off to follow one character after another in order to present the day of the shooting as resolutely normal; but its greatest trick is to constantly dangle in front of us tantalizing 'clues' to the motivation of the killers, only to have every one of them lead to an unproductive, uncomfortable dead end. After the final bloodbath, we have an almost tangible need to know the whys and wherefores of the senseless killing, but the movie is wise enough to deny us an easy solution to an impossibly difficult question, and is brave enough to believe in its director's vision and leave us hanging without a quick fi or an easy scapegoat.

DEATH IN GAZA (2004)

One of the least partisan -- and most tragically unbearable -- documentaries about the Israeli-Palestine conflict was the 2004 film Death in Gaza, which concentrated largely on the impact the war had on children in the area. Focusing on a quartet of Palestinian kids, all in their early teens or younger, who take up arms against their occupiers, Death in Gaza neither exculpates the bad behavior of the kids (their anti-Semitism is extremely uncomfortable, especially from children so young) or glosses over why they might be so driven to militancy and violence (we are constantly exposed to the insufferable living conditions into which they are born and raised, and every one of them has a jaw-dropping horror story about the death of a friend or relative). What makes the move especially harrowing is that its 34-year-old British director, James Miller, was himself killed by the Israeli Defense Forces while filming in Gaza at night, a typically stupid, futile, and enraging event that is captured on film and shown matter-of-factly during the course of the documentary. Powerful and sad.

MARIA FULL OF GRACE (2004)

Joshua Marston's feature about a young Colombian teenager who becomes a drug mule in order to raise money for her impoverished family is filmed in such an effective, simple neorealist style -- and manages to so effectively encapsulate one of the most degrading yet banal aspects of the dehumanizing aspects of capitalism -- that it's hard to avoid comparisons to De Sica's The Bicycle Thief. And while it's not even remotely in that film's league, it's still very much a movie worth watching, updating De Sica's themes for a post-socialist age, and it does at least have one advantage over its spiritual forebear: the presense of the heartbreaking, compelling, fascinating lead actress, Catalino Sandino Moreno. The then-17-year-old Moreno turns in one of the most watchable yet tragic performances in recent memory as a headstrong, intelligent girl who has nonetheless begun to move in circles who will shape her into something she cannot control; it's almost impossible to take your eyes off her from the beginning of the movie to the end.

THE NOTORIOUS BETTIE PAGE (2005)

The Notorious Bettie Page, a serviceable if never stunning biography of the legendary 1950s pin-up queen, was brought to us by the writer/director team of Guinevere Turner and Mary Harron. The duo also was responsible for the highly problematic American Psycho, and Harron also directed the truly discomfiting I Shot Andy Warhol. While its problems are different (a lack of depth and a somewhat flat visual style, neither of which were the difficulties with Harron's other movies), it does reflect the curate's egg nature of all three films. Clearly, it wasn't a movie made to do nothing more than titillate, but by the same token, we walk out of the theater knowing precious little more about the notorious Bettie Page than we did when we came in. That said, it shares with the other films a great deal of energy and feeling, and is supported by the sort of tremendous central performance Harron seems to coax so easily out of her stars -- Gretchen Mol is easily the equal of Christian Bale or Lili Taylor, and it's her charm and control in the role that makes this a movie worth watching.

In Other Blogs: Seitz and Sounds

Scott Von Doviak — Fri, 02 May 2008 15:30:00 GMT

If you felt the film blog world shift a little on its axis this week, it’s probably because The House Next Door founder and proprietor Matt Zoller Seitz has departed for greener pastures. Of all things, Seitz has decided to concentrate on making his own films. Can you imagine? Why, if we all did that, there’d be no one left to snark about our work.

Seitz says goodbye with a lengthy interview with new House Next Door honcho Keith Uhlich, in which he discusses his plans as well as his lifelong love of movies. “There was this thing called The Scholastic Book Club, which I guess they still have because my daughter brings home the sheets for me to fill out. They had a book on the making of King Kong and I believe it was available before the movie had even come out. And I ordered it, along with some other things, and when it came I just read it from front to back. That was the first instance I can think of of my wanting to find out how movies were made. I don’t think I really knew anything about how movies were made. I just thought they were these things that kind of magically appeared on the screen when you went to the theater.”

Tributes to Seitz have been proliferating ever since his announcement. At Scanners, Jim Emerson has assembled his own personal “best of Seitz” retrospective, and shows the good taste to include this snippet from “McCabe and Mr. Milch”: “To some degree, nearly all of Altman’s films are anatomies of community. Ditto Deadwood, which week to week showcases a panoramic concentration that recalls Altman at the top of his game. Like Altman, Milch is not content to fixate on the plight of one individual -- a fundamental creative choice that puts both men temperamentally at odds with much of American popular culture. Both Altman and Milch prefer to see the big picture, the pointillist mural that takes shape when an artist asks the audience to take a few steps back from the canvas. They study human constellations comprised of distinct human beings who embrace different religions, inhabit different social strata, imbibe different substances, muse on their own pet obsessions and pursue their own strange agendas, all the while remaining largely oblivious to their impact on everyone else. Both Altman and Milch are not just storytellers. They are dramatic anthropologists, devising a collective organism in order to scrutinize it.”

At Hollywood Elsewhere, Jeffrey Wells offers his own, uh, “tribute,” I guess. Maybe it’s tongue in cheek. Who knows. “Seitz seems to think that a film critic's life doesn't provide enough in the way of cleansing ‘happiness moments,’ like what some people get from walking in the woods or watching basketball or going bowling or murdering a deer in the forest with a high-powered rifle. Well, it's not supposed to do that...hello? If you've been lucky enough to be called to the profession of film criticism (or any profession that most people are unable to do for lack of talent or persistence or both), then you do that thing until you die at your desk -- simple. And no moaning.” Be sure to read the comments if you’re up for a good old fashioned flame war.

Of course, when one door opens, another window closes, or something like that. In other words, Jonathan Rosenbaum, late of the Chicago Reader, has now joined our little club with the self-explanatory JonathanRosenbaum.com. “Here’s the basic plan: Although I’m hoping that this site will grow and sprout more features in the weeks and months ahead, including links and other items, for the time being it will consist of two weekly features: (1) a reprint of an older text of mine (in alternate weeks, this will consist of a piece of mine that may not otherwise be readily available, and a piece of mine formerly published in the Chicago Reader between 1987 and 2007), and (2) a brief list of recent publications and upcoming events.”

And finally, it wouldn’t be the week in blogs without another installment of List-o-Mania. In honor of Iron Head or whatever his name is, here are Ten Superheroes Who Deserve Their Own Movie from Film School Rejects. I think we can all agree, now more than ever, the time for She-Hulk has come. “Okay, I’ll admit that I never really read the comic, but what red-blooded American male could say no to the buff green beauty? The sexy Maxim cover shoot alone should be reason to make this film (and if The Incredible Hulk does well this summer, it could be a go).”

Screengrab Predicts: The Top 5 Bombs of Summer 2008

Andrew Osborne — Thu, 01 May 2008 20:30:00 GMT

And now, The Screengrab’s predictions for the Top 5 box office disappointments and/or outright disastrous flops of Summer 2008!

(Want to play along at home? Let us know your Top 5 picks for upcoming Summer Bombs, and compare them to our collective and individual predictions. Whoever scores the most correct answers WINS AN IMAGINARY FANTASY DATE WITH MIKE MYERS AND/OR SARAH JESSICA PARKER!)

5. SEX AND THE CITY

I guess I shouldn't exactly say that I'm confident this movie will be a huge failure. More like I'm praying to any god that will listen that it will be. (LP)

What kind of sick, twisted, topsy-turvy world do we live in where the promised Deadwood TV movies have never materialized, yet Sex and the City gets the full-fledged big screen treatment? No sort of world for me, I know that much. As hard as it is for me to believe that anyone on the planet still cares about the sex lives of Sarah Jessica Parker and her pals, I'm sure there are a few fans left out there. But they'll all see this on the first weekend and then it will sink like a stone. (SV)

Yes, the show has a built-in fan base, but will it be enough? The fact is, this is opening the week after Indiana Jones, and there are many more women who will buy a ticket for Indy than there are men who'll pay to see Carrie and Company on the big screen. Perhaps an early-fall release would have been a better idea? (PC)

4. SPEED RACER

Who was this movie made for? Everyone's heard of the show, but who remembers it all that well? Looks too kiddish for most adults, and too hyperkinetic for the family audience. Factor in the film's release date- the second week in May, historically a bum weekend- and the outlook here isn't promising. (PC)

Dissenting Opinion: Intersecting that demographic sweet spot where NASCAR fans, nostalgic hipsters, Japanese animation buffs, and people with nothing better to do on a hot afternoon meet, this cartoon revival will score big, and drive up sales of Steve Albini records and pet monkeys. (LP)

3. THE HAPPENING

It's not happening anymore for M. Night Shyamalan, who has seen his stock drop from Hitchcock heir to 21st century Ed Wood with each successive release. (SV)

Five years ago, the M. Night Shyamalan name would have been enough to guarantee box office. However, after The Village and Lady In the Water, the studio is going to have to step up their game to recoup their investment here. And without a Bruce Willis in the lead role, it's going to be that much harder. (PC)

DISSENTING OPINION: While I am on record as a LeBeouf hater, I’m an ardent Shyamalan apologist. For me, even his stinkers are interesting (or at least amusing), and I’m apparently the only guy in America who actually enjoyed Lady In The Water enough to put it on my year-end Top Ten List. Oh, sure, it SEEMS like it’s going to bomb...but the SHOCKING TWIST ENDING is that, y’know, it might not be a TOTAL fiasco. (AO)

2. THE LOVE GURU

Is there anyone out there who doesn't think this looks like total shit? Mike Myers appears onscreen for the first time in five years, but let's not forget that his last leading-man role was- UGH- THE CAT IN THE HAT. (PC)

Coroners examining the bomb crater will have trouble separating the remains of The Love Guru from the remains of Heather Graham’s The Guru in an adjacent crater, and will thus bury them together in the Tomb of the Unseen Faux-Indian Musical Comedy. (AO)

1. THE INCREDIBLE HULK

Taking a movie, based on a very hard-sell Marvel character (whose entire existence is predicated on violence and stupidity), which was one of the few recent superhero movies to totally bomb and remaking it only a few years later with a much worse director? Now that's a formula for success! (LP)

Marvel Studios has gone out of their way to sell this film as a completely different creature than the last movie. But will people get the message? I think they underestimate how much people disliked the last Hulk, and it's going to take a lot of good press to make audiences believe they won't get fooled again. (PC)

By the way...does anyone else think a giant green ‘roid-ragin’ CGI depiction of Ed Norton is inherently hilarious? What’s next, Sean Penn as Martian Manhunter? (AO)

Memorandum Opinion: I don't want to say I'm rooting against The Incredible Hulk exactly, but as one of the few defenders of Ang Lee's version, I would feel some satisfaction if the presumably louder, faster, dumber sequel/remake/whatever-it-is met with an even worse box office fate. (SV)

DISHONORABLE MENTION:

HANCOCK

Recent presidential elections have shown us time and again that America has no tolerance for poor moral values, like this movie with 'cock' in the title and which features Will Smith, and yet does not have a single occurrence of the phrase "Aw hell naw". (LP)

GET SMART

The appeal of the old TV show -- a number of episodes of which were written by Mel Brooks and Buck Henry -- wasn't its spy satire; it was its smart, character-driven comedy. The movie looks to go for cheap retro thrills and ultra-broad laughs, and America's love affair with Steve Carrell may have peaked. (LP)

People like Steve Carell on TV, but after last summer's Evan Almighty, his box-office clout is pretty questionable. This uninspired-looking TV spinoff probably won't counter that. (PC)

THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR

Does anyone still actually care? (PC)

WANTED/HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY

2008 is the summer of comic book movies, but there's such a thing as overkill. Without the name recognition of Batman or the marketing push of Iron Man, these will probably be lost in the shuffle. (PC)

**************

The above list reflects the combined, weighted picks of four of our resident Screengrab know-it-alls. Below, our original ballots:

Leonard Pierce

1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

2. The Incredible Hulk

3. Hancock

4. Get Smart

5. Sex and the City

Scott Von Doviak

1. The Happening

2. Sex and the City

3. You Don’t Mess With the Zohan

4. The Love Guru

5. The Incredible Hulk

Paul Clark

1. Speed Racer

2. The Incredible Hulk

3. The Love Guru

4. Get Smart

5. Wanted/Hellboy II: The Golden Army

Andrew Osborne

1. The Love Guru

2. The Incredible Hulk

3. Speed Racer

4. Wall*E

5. Hancock

-- Contributors: Andrew Osborne, Paul Clark, Scott Von Doviak, Leonard Pierce

No Forgetting Kristen Bell

Scott Von Doviak — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 18:30:00 GMT

We’ve read quite enough about Jason Segel’s “chunky, blemished ass and little white man-boobs,” not to mention his mother’s horror at seeing his wee-wee onscreen. He may have written Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but by gum, Kristen Bell plays the title character and she needs a little love, too. Bell would have already appeared on movie screens this spring if Fanboys had been released as scheduled, but as Jack Clark of the New York Daily News learned, she has seen neither the original version nor the “Darth Weinstein” cut of the movie that remains in limbo.

Nothing will stop Sarah Marshall from arriving in theaters Friday, though it remains to be seen whether it will be Bell’s stepping-stone to movie stardom. Clark seems to think it’s a strong possibility given her broad appeal; not only has she sewn up the geek fanbase thanks to her three seasons as Veronica Mars and her stint on Heroes, she’s “doing well with frat boys, too - she's been on Maxim's Hot 100 list - and she's even scoring with vegetarians (PETA's World's Sexiest Woman).” So if you’re a geeky vegetarian frat boy, she’s pretty much your ideal woman.

As Sarah Marshall, however, she’s the bad girl who dumps Segel while his junk dangles in the breeze. (“At one point, there was a nylon sock involved," Bell says. "That just drew more attention to the situation, so we ditched it.”) Not that she has a problem playing the villain, as those of us who caught her turn as a con artist on Deadwood recall. “It was never anyone's intention to make her a bitch. The reason I was attracted to this project was because Jason really did give the 'villains' a chance to explain themselves, as opposed to a romantic comedy where you're told who to root for and who to dislike.”

Next on her plate, Bell faces what may be her biggest challenge yet: being romanced by Danny DeVito in Disney’s When in Rome. According to Reuters, Bell “plays a love-starved New York curator who steals magical coins from a famous Roman fountain but soon finds herself in a bizarre situation when she is pursued back to New York by a band of aggressive suitors -- the very people whose coins she took. DeVito will play one of the suitors.” We can only hope that, unlike Segel, the Penguin keeps his pants on.