The Screengrab : the mummy: tomb of the dragon emperor

2009 Movie Poster Preview

Scott Von Doviak — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 17:00:00 GMT

January and February are the traditional dumping ground for the movies Hollywood has given up on. They weren’t good enough to release at the end of the year to qualify for awards consideration, and they don’t have the commercial potential to secure a coveted summer weekend. So what better time to revive a favorite Screengrab feature of yore, in which I preview upcoming releases I know little or nothing about based solely on their posters?

MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D (Jan. 16)

At first I assumed this was one of those IMAX concert movies featuring a reunion of the seminal ‘80s shoegazer band. Sure, it’s an odd image to promote such an event, but it’s not out of the question that the aging members of My Bloody Valentine would choose to hide behind gas masks. On further reflection, however, it’s more likely that this is an ad for a remake of the ‘80s slasher movie. I still don’t really understand the gas masks and pick-axes, but hey – 3D! How bad could it be?

INKHEART (Jan. 23)

It’s time for another reunion of our favorite buddy movie pairing – Brendan Fraser and crappy CGI effects! You loved them in The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, you tolerated them in Journey to the Center of the Earth, and you’ll reluctantly accompany the kids to Inkheart, in which Fraser finds a magical library book that brings unicorns and fairies to life.

THE UNINVITED (Jan. 30)

As I indicated earlier, I have done absolutely no research on any of these movies beyond a careful examination of the poster art. So I have no way of knowing whether or not this is actually a remake of a J-horror film, or if it just wants to look that way. I’m going to assume the plot revolves around frightening vampire children terrorizing the new family on the block. It’s apparently not in 3D, though, so you can probably skip it.

NEW IN TOWN (Jan. 30)

Renee Zellweger is a snooty, power-hungry big city executive who is horrified to learn she’s being shipped off to the Alaska branch. Lucky for her, the quirky small-town residents melt her heart, and she learns there’s more to life than a corner office and double skinny lattes. If you loved Northern Exposure, or even vaguely remember it, you’ll find this comedy safe and unthreatening!

THE INTERNATIONAL (Feb. 13)

I envision a dash of Jason Bourne, a pinch of Eagle Eye-style paranoid techno-thriller, a vast conspiracy, stylish Euro-locations and some visual razzle-dazzle when things get slow. Clive Owen is no doubt an ordinary guy swept up in machinations he doesn’t comprehend, while Naomi Watts is the innocent he drags around until she falls for his roguish charm. You’ll see this on a slow weekend. Later you’ll forget you saw it and put it in your Netflix queue.

Related:
Screengrab Movie Poster Preview
Poster-Modernism

Morning Deal Report: When Monsters Attack

Scott Von Doviak — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 14:00:00 GMT

The Dark Knight kept its stranglehold on the top of the box office, thus sparing our nation the indignity of the phrase “The Mummy III is the number one movie in America.” Knight added $43.8 million to its coffers, bringing its grand total to $394.9 million. It’s on pace to pass Star Wars as the second biggest grosser of all time, although it probably won’t sink Titanic. (Ha! See what I did there? Hey, it’s Monday morning, give me a break.) The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor took in $42.5, and I guess I shouldn’t be surprised so many people decided to see the third Mummy movie, but…really, people? You decided to see the third Mummy movie? That didn’t leave many swing votes for Kevin Costner, as his latest opened in sixth place with a predictably lame $6.3 million.

Disney has obtained the rights to the graphic novel Monster Attack Network. Yes, it’s another comic book movie, but this one’s not about superheroes – it’s about monsters! And everybody loves monsters. According to the Hollywood Reporter, “The adventure tale, written by Marc Bernardin and Adam Freeman with art by Nima Sorat, is set on the picture-perfect Pacific island of Lapuatu, which is populated by giant monsters. There, a team of adventurers deal with rampages and related crises and clean up messes afterwards.” They…clean up messes? Monster messes? That should be cinematic.

Have you seen the 2007 Danish film De fortabte sjaeles o? If not, don’t bother – there’s a shiny new American remake on the way! To be titled Island of Lost Souls, the movie “centers on a suburban teen who finds herself a central player in a centuries-old battle between good and evil when her younger brother is possessed by the benevolent spirit of an 18th century magician,” claims Variety.

Related:
Why So Serious? The Dark Knight in the Political World
Trailer Review: The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Summer of ’78: “The Bad News Bears Go to Japan”

Scott Von Doviak — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Each Thursday this summer we’ll hop in the Screengrab time machine and jump back thirty years to see what was new and exciting at the neighborhood moviehouse this week in…The Summer of ’78!

The Bad News Bears Go to Japan

Release Date: June 30, 1978

Cast: Tony Curtis, Jackie Earle Haley, Tomisaburo Wakayama, Dick Button, Regis Philbin

The Buzz: Bad News Bears! Japan! Whaddaya need, a roadmap?

Keywords: Baseball, Sequel, Japan

The Plot: The Bad News Bears go to Japan. That’s about it, but I’ll try to be a little more specific. The Bears little league team – or at least the members of the team that returned for the concluding film of this essential trilogy – see a news report indicating that the United States will not be sending a team to Tokyo to compete with the Japanese little league champions. The Bears decide they’re the team for the job, and go on TV to tell Regis why they should represent our national pastime in the Land of the Rising Sun. Degenerate gambler Tony Curtis sees the program and decides the Bears are his meal ticket; he’ll take them to Japan in exchange for the lion’s share of the profits from a potential network telecast. Once the team reaches Tokyo, the Bears disappear for large chunks of the movie, which is heavily padded with travelogue material: a karate exhibition, a wrestling match, a game show talent competition. Curtis’s gambling partners fly in three ringers for the big game in order to ensure a U.S. victory, and a brawl breaks out shortly after the match-up at the Tokyo Dome gets underway. The network broadcast falls apart, but the two teams later meet up in an old-fashioned sandlot showdown.

The Test of Time: As I proceed with this series, it’s becoming clear that I spent the summer of ’78 reading a lot of novelizations. I’ve already mentioned Damien: Omen II and Jaws 2, but I also had the Fotonovel of Heaven Can Wait and I definitely had all three Bad News Bears novelizations. Although the original Bears was one of the seminal movies of my childhood, I don’t think I ever saw the sequels on the big screen. I’m sure I wanted to see the first sequel at least, but I had limited options at that age. If it wasn’t playing at the Navy base or in the tiny two-screen theater at the mall in Ellsworth, Maine, I didn’t have much choice. In retrospect I’m glad I didn’t see The Bad News Bears Go to Japan at the time, because I had better things to do in 1978, and now I apparently don’t. The one thing I’ll say on the movie’s behalf is that it didn’t dip nearly as deeply into the waters of cultural insensitivity as I was expecting. That’s not to say it’s a nuanced look at Japan circa the late ’70s, but it’s not as offensive as it could have been. It is, however, horrible. It’s so bad that most of the original cast declined to participate. I’m not just talking about Walter Matthau and Tatum O’Neal here – I mean like the kids who played Tanner and Lupus. Can you imagine how badly Tony Curtis’s career must have been going if he agreed to star in a movie that the kid who played Lupus turned down? The few Bears who do return have pretty much outgrown their cuteness, particularly pudgy catcher Englebert, now roughly the size of Haystacks Calhoun. The Bears aren’t given much to do aside from Kelly Leak (Jackie Earle Haley), the onetime bad boy who has now been Fonzied into a sensitive punk and who gets a perfunctory romance with a Japanese girl. I’m glad Haley had that little comeback a couple years ago, because it would be sad if this was the last thing he’d ever done.

Fashion Highlights: Kelly Leak still has the look with his shiny disco shirts and bell-bottom jeans, but Curtis is tragic in a wide-collared leisure suit with gold chains. Let us not even speak of his flared baseball uniform pants.

2008 Equivalent: The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, just because it’s an unrequested and unnecessary threequel that will undoubtedly suck.

Previously on Summer of '78: Heaven Can Wait