Unwatchable Recap: 71-80

Scott Von Doviak — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 19:00:00 GMT

It’s time for part three of the Unwatchable Halftime Report. As you must know by now, I am watching and reviewing every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Last week I hit #51, which means I’m halfway home. Next week we’ll get started on the 50 worst movies, but I’m putting that off as long as I possibly can so that we can enjoy the fruits of my labor so far. We’ve been tackling the Unwatchables to date in groups of ten, and today it’s time for # 71-80.

80. The Smokers. “They smoke. They smoke a lot. They smoke the cigarettes and they smoke the pot. Also, they have boy troubles.”

79. Anus Magillicutty. “When it was over, I found myself actively wishing harm on those who made it, any loved ones who encouraged them to make it, and their employers (should they exist) who wittingly or not subsidized its making.”

78. The Quick and the Undead. “What we have here is your basic meat-and-potatoes (but mostly meat) post-apocalyptic zombie western.”

77. BloodRayne 2: Deliverance. “Sure, in her leather cowgirl outfit she looks like she should be pouring Jager shots and dancing on the bar at Coyote Ugly, but she’s handy with swords and guns that fire silver bullets rubbed in garlic and blessed with holy water. Her showdown with Billy the Kid is one for the ages, assuming the ages were between 9 and 9:30 last night.”

76. Kickboxer 3: The Art of War. “The high point of Kickboxer 3 arrives with a montage of wise Xian’s efforts to heal Sloane in time for the fight. He collects various roots and mouse tails and the venom from a snake to prepare a healing elixir, then smears Sloane’s body with some sort of fungal poultice. Hey, it works!”

75. The Last Sign. “I’m immediately suspicious of any movie that opens with a shitload of logos for companies I’ve never heard of. This makes me think what I’m about to watch is more of a tax shelter than a motion picture.”

74. You Got Served. “Can David and Elgin squash their beef in time to bring home the big prize? And did it really, really embarrass me to type the phrase ‘squash their beef’ just now? The answer to both questions is the same.”

73. Fascination. “The first liaison between Scott and Kelly takes place on a slanted corrugated tin roof in a photogenic rainstorm that comes out of nowhere. Just when you’re thinking, ‘Gee, looks like fun, but also a good way to fall to your death,’ Scott and Kelly slip and nearly fall to their deaths.”

72. Meet the Spartans. “Really, it’s not like I’m looking for some explanation for Britney Spears being in ancient Sparta. I realize it’s all part of the free-wheeling zaniness. But you can’t just have her shaving her head and flashing her girl parts. We’ve already seen that.”

71. Gigli. “J-Lo is also stuck with a sub-Tarantino soliloquy on the subtleties of ripping someone’s eyeball out of its socket. It’s almost harder to listen to than ‘Jenny From the Block’.”

81-90
91-100

Unwatchable #74: “You Got Served”

Scott Von Doviak — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.

As regular readers of this column are all too aware, I am occasionally perplexed by the movies deemed worthy of inclusion on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Actually, I’m often perplexed by the movies themselves; what I mean to say is that sometimes I’m not sure how a given movie acquired enough detractors to propel it to such derogatory depths. For instance, I can’t quite figure where all the You Got Served hateration is coming from. This isn’t because I think it’s a good movie – rather, I think it’s a movie of such generic mediocrity, I’m baffled that it’s been singled out from the ranks of Victory Through Dance cinema.

Here’s the deal (or the “dilly-o” in the very current and credible hippety-hop parlance of this 2004 release): David (Omarion Grandberry, if that is his real name) and Elgin (Marques Houston) are friends (or “boyz”) and partners in an L.A. hip-hop dance crew. No one can bust moves like these two, who always end up walking away with the cash prize at the warehouse dance-offs overseen by Mr. Rad (Steve Harvey, no one’s idea of “Mr. Rad,” but whatever). Apparently the dance money isn’t enough, because David and Elgin also sling drugs for crime lord Emerald – although we never see them do this onscreen and it’s not even clear exactly what they’re selling. Weed, crack, heroin? I guess we’re not supposed to worry about that.

When David hits it off with Elgin’s sister Liyah, a rift begins to develop between the friends – a rift that cracks wide open when Elgin is beaten down and robbed of his package from Emerald while David is out on a date. Of course, the timing couldn’t be worse, since the MTV Big Bounce dance-off is coming up, and the winning crew gets 50 G’s and an appearance in a Li’l Kim video. Can David and Elgin squash their beef in time to bring home the big prize? And did it really, really embarrass me to type the phrase “squash their beef” just now? The answer to both questions is the same.

As far as I can tell, the actual dancing in You Got Served is fine. I mean, sure, it makes me laugh to see these hardened street urchins doing their goofy baggy pants movements, but at least some of the laughter is intentional. The plot is more than a little creaky, though. I was particularly bemused by the resolution of Elgin’s dilemma with Emerald; what with Emerald’s product (whatever it may be) being ripped off, the large drug dealer is unhappy enough with Elgin to threaten him with extreme physical violence unless he makes financial restitution. This seemingly crucial plotline ends with an offhand comment from Mr. Rad, who assures us he’s taken care of it. Wow, he really is Rad!

Still, despite its dramatic shortcomings, You Got Served is not so egregiously worse than other films of its ilk as to deserve its fate as an Unwatchable. One could chalk its low ratings up to racism, but it’s just as likely that a large segment of the black audience found the movie itself to be a questionable portrait of African-American culture. (In addition to Elgin and David’s extracurricular corner boy activities, there is the out-of-the-blue drive-by shooting of the dance crew’s young mascot Lil Saint.) Who knows? Such mysteries are beyond the purview of your humble movie janitor.

Previously on Unwatchable:
75. The Last Sign
76. Kickboxer 3: The Art of War
77. BloodRayne 2: Deliverance
78. The Quick and the Undead
79. Anus Magillicutty

The Screengrab : you got served

Unwatchable Recap: 71-80

Unwatchable #74: “You Got Served”