The Remote Island

'Work for Diddy": Like Teen Boot Camp, But With Helicopters and a Gender Studies Course

Posted by Lindy Parker

 

“If you can’t see the forest for the trees, you gotta burn that mother down.”  -- Sean "P.Diddy" Combs

Well, sure.  We understand.  Diddy wants a problem solver.  But, we’re sort of  over the predictable reality show boot camp challenge.  We get it – it’s a metaphor for the endurance and mental toughness necessary to navigate the wilderness of Diddy’s business dealings.  Fine.  But, it kind of reminds us of those episodes of Montel Williams where they send the rebellious problem kids to teen boot camp, and they get screamed at until they cry.  It may have been enjoyable for daytime TV in 1994, but now, it’s just tired.

More memorable quotes from Diddy’s witty cast of characters…

"I'm not really stepmother material." -- Laverne, on why she doesn't date men who have kids.  We totally love Laverne.  She has time to do a yoga warm up, pirouette across the room, drop into a full split, and educate the more ignorant contestants about the transgender political correctness. Get it girl.

"Rob just told us he was in the army.  He went to Iraq and everything." -- Brianna, on why Rob's military service should have ensured their victory.  It didn't.  Instead, his disappointing performance ensured Rob's elimination from the game.  He may have been to Iraq, but Diddy's ramshackle military simulation requires a slightly different skill set.

"First of all, this was God's intervention.  He used the pollen to take me out of the equation." -- Poprah, on why the asthma attack that prevented her from participating in this week's challenge was divinely ordained and thus, shouldn't qualify her for elimination.

And then, this... 

"They did the same thing to Jesus.  They did the same thing to Martin Luther King.  They do the same thing to every great leader." -- Poprah, on...Well, to be honest, we're didn't totally follow her thought process.  Something to do with crucifixion.  And assassination.  Or both.  Let's face it, no context is really appropriate for a statement in which you compare yourself to Jesus and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. even metaphorically.  And yet, Poprah survives elimination and lives to see another week.


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About Lindy Parker

Lindy Parker has worked as a ghostwriter, editor, dance instructor and a purveyor of dreams, one beer at a time. She now writes for nerve.com's TV blog, "The Remote Island." She loves Charles Dickens and Gabriel Garcia Marquez and also, straight-to-video releases with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. It's possible she reads more teen fiction than she should. She hails from Los Angeles, her hometown and soul mate, but she lives in Brooklyn, the fling she'll never forget.

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    Lindy Parker has worked as a ghostwriter, editor, dance instructor and a purveyor of dreams, one beer at a time. She loves Charles Dickens and Gabriel Garcia Marquez and also, straight-to-video releases with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. It's possible she reads more teen fiction than she should. She hails from Los Angeles, her hometown and soul mate, but she lives in Brooklyn, the fling she'll never forget.

    Olivia Purnell left Ohio for sunny Los Angeles; then found that she couldn’t ignore New York City’s call, and brought herself to Brooklyn where she has worked with GenArt, BlackBook, the School of American Ballet, and finished an M.A. in Creative Writing from N.Y.U. She loves one-liners with sting and hates the stench of the subway in the summer. That said, she can’t get enough of either.

    Jake Kalish is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Spin, Blender, Men's Fitness, Poets and Writers, and Playboy, among other publications. He is also the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights.

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    Ben Kallen is an entertainment, health and humor writer who's been lectured to by Sidney Poitier, argued with by Lea Thompson and smiled at by Jennifer Connelly. He's the coauthor of The No S Diet and author of The Year in Weird, along with hundreds of magazine articles. He lives near the beach in Los Angeles, just like the gang from Three's Company.

    Nicole Ankowski has lived in Ohio, Oakland, and on the high plains of South Dakota, but is now proud to call Brooklyn home. She wrote for alternative weekly papers in the first two states, and tried to learn Lakota in the last. (The vowels can be tricky.) She just earned her MFA in Creative Writing and has been published in Beeswax literary journal. She is unable to resist good writing or bad TV.

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