First things first -- Britney Spears.
Britney, here's the thing. Last year, we scoffed at Dr. Phil on The View when, in
all his pompous and overly pedantic glory, he claimed to know what was
best for you and promised to help you if only you would stop listening
to the disreputable sycophants surrounding you with lies. Then, you performed "Gimme More" at the VMA's and our feeling was basically this: If you plan on performing sans choreography so that there's
nothing to distract us from the vacant expression on your face, we're
going to have to look away as though from the Lost Ark.
But that was last year, and we've had many up's and down's and shaved heads since then...This year, our feeling is, you just can't win. Much as we enjoyed seeing you back in action without any obvious help from mood-altering substances, we can't help but feel that Britney Light isn't all that great a time. Watching you do cutesy, pre-recorded sketches and accept your moonmen demurely with brevity and grace isn't really the kind of comeback we had in mind. But, you know, it's early days, and we're willing you to give you some time.
Rihanna. We still think you can't dance. But girl, your hair is precious, and we can't argue with your fitness. If we could look just like you we would, we mean it. (Sidenote: how pissed is Ashanti that you took her R&B-diva-hip hop-collaboration crown?) Also, your performance in the feathered bustier in which you rode across the stage atop an armored wedding cake like the bride of Tool? Genius.
Speaking of the bride of a tool...Ashlee Simpson. No! We kid, we kid because we love. But guys, seriously. We can't take the baby banter. Just have the baby, preferably not on television (yikes) and get back to doing whatever it is that you do. (Comparing your matching bangs?)
Pink, interesting that you chose to open your performance on the set of West Side Story.
Christina Aguilera, we'll be honest, we found the barbie wig a bit disconcerting, but whatever. We feel like, in the end, it's hard for you to go wrong in a catsuit. On the real, you're not our favorite lyricist ("Some days I'm a superbitch/Next day I'm your super girl?" Please.), but damn, you can blow.
LL Cool J, it's true, ladies do love cool James. Even now, we can't really remember what your song was about, but we can't get enough of those biceps.
Russell Brand, we're not completely sure how much of what we enjoyed about you could be attributed to your accent and/or your magnificent coiffure. However, either way, you made us laugh with this joke:
"I don't want to piss off teenage fans -- quite the opposite. Understand that by 'opposite,' I don't mean that I want to piss on teenage fans. Don't worry, I know there's been a problem with that in this country."
Actually, you made us laugh quite a few times, which is more than we can say for Chris Rock, so well done, you.
Finally, Jay Z, we miss you. Come back like Jordan wearing the 4-5.
Diddy runs the city,
The Remote Island
