In short, the best things about last night's episode of Sons of Anarchy -- wherein the Sons tracked down a child rapist so her father could back out of getting a grisly revenge -- were probably, um, all the promos for It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
In long: Jax was kind of nowhere to be seen, there was a bunch of senseless and stupid violence, Mitch Pileggi brought a little too much swishiness to a scene where he was supposed to be buttering up Katey Sagal, Jay Karnes from The Shield turned up to complicate not one but two plotlines a little too conveniently and hamfistedly (ATF ex machina, the Greeks called that), and we're not sure which line of dialogue was more embarrassing: the time where Drea de Matteo emerged from a meth induced coma/rehab to deliver, in thorough-yet-marblemouthed legalese, "The hospital's a little nervous about liability issues," or when Katey Sagal, speaking to the mother of the poor girl violated in the open scene, warned her that her daughter might always think of herself as "the girl who was raped at Funtown."
Now, maybe you don't get the full absurdity of that line. So say it to yourself, right now, sitting in your cube. Be sure to think of all the times they said something both banal and weirdly profound on The Sopranos. Now imagine that scenario as a FAIL, with Segal bringing none of the conviction that, say, Silvio brought to every single ridiculous syllable that fell from his lips. No, seriously, do it. We'll wait. Pathetic, right?
All in all, last night's episode lacked any of the qualities that we found appealing in the pilot -- gone were the intimations the road as an endless frontier and bikers as a landless nation roaming it. Gone too were any of the references to Hamlet; in fact, we're starting to wonder if the producers or the network doubt that Charlie Hunnam, with his laid back approach to Jax, has the magnetism to carry the show on his own. (Hence his second banana-ing and the appearance of Karnes?)
And what did we get instead of all that? We had a bunch of trigger-happy rednecks and petty theives, solving crimes for the rich and dealing dirty justice in a vacuum or morality or consequence. And not in a good way; more like The Fall Guy with leather and knives.
Therefore, we are ready to declare our first Recap Probation of the year. Sons of Anarchy, we will catch you next week and give you a fair shot, but if you don't bring the un-suck, you are off our pages until Ron Perlman wants out to shoot Hellboy 3 or FX decides it's time for there to be a Paddy's Pub West. Whichever comes last.
PREVIOUSLY:
"Sons of Anarchy": Do As I Say, Unless You Don't Wanna And Someone Gets Hurt
"Sons Of Anarchy" Fills A Gaping Bullethole In The Flak Vest Of Our Hearts
