And so Lance Bass survived yet another week on Dancing With The Stars. Now that Brooke Burke's had that mysterious foot injury, we wonder whether he's gonna take it all the way... and how hard he's willing to push himself to get there. Will Cloris Leachman suddenly find her Geritol switched with Mexican speed? Will Susan Lucci find her coveted Emmy laced with LSD? Will we quit thinking about drugs today? More importantly, can anyone stop Lance Bass in his inevitable quest to rule first the Reality Dancing genre, then the world and the stars beyond?
Jake
Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights, cryptopopculturalist, racounteur, and occasional narcotics mule, thinks he's found the one man capable of defeating Mr. Bass. Someone perfectly in sync, if you will, with him in the arenas of boy band dancing and charismatic TV hosting duties. Today's question: Who would win... Lance Bass... or Joey Fatone?
JOEY FATONE
|
LANCE BASS
|
Appearance: Looks like he just exited a pizzeria, entered a boy band
|
Appearance: Looks like he just exited a boy, entered a boy band |
| Best Friend: Lance Bass |
Best Friend: Joey Fatone |
| Trademark Fighting Move: Burying you under his pile of money |
Trademark Fighting Move: Leaping out of the closet at you when you're not looking |
THE FIGHT
Joey “Calzone” Fatone comes into the ring kicking against Lance “Open Mouthed” Bass, but finds his former bandmate using the same fighting technique, kicking in the exact same place at the exact same time. They each step back, punch, twirl, slide, karate chop, clutch at their heart, grab their crotch, and wave their arms above their head. It's as though they know each other's every move! Since it's like fighting the mirror, neither man can gain an upper hand, and after three-and-a-half hours, they are forced to clear out of the stadium... to make way for JT's sold-out concert. Bye bye bye!
WINNER: DRAW!
JAKE KALISH is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Blender, Men’s Fitness, and Playboy, among other publications. He could totally kick your ass.
Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is published by Three Rivers Press
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Imaginary TV Fights: "Dexter" vs. Everybody From "C.S.I."