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The Remote Island

The "American Idol" Tryout Cities Suck

Posted by Jake Kalish

 

American Idol  -- the show so big it has two premieres, January 13th and 14th - has already held its auditions -- and is it just us, or did they go out of their way to pick the least cool cities in America? Here's the list:

Jacksonville, Florida

Louisville, Kentucky

Salt Lake City, Utah

San Juan, Puerto Rico

and also "elsewhere," which we're not sure what that is exactly, but we think it might be named for a saint.

We know, it's not like it really matters where they have auditions, because people come from everywhere to try out. But that even makes it worse! All the dreamers going across the country to be the next Carrie Underwood or Clay Aiken, only to be told by Simon Cowell that they have no talent and then go back to cry into the Nascar-themed breakfast special back at the Jacksonville Motel 6? Jesus H. Christ of Latter Day Saints, if they're in Utah, they'd have to drown their sorrows in near beer? Is it really worth it, America?

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights


+ DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT
Posted Nov 11 2008, 11:35 AM
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About Jake Kalish

Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights http://www.amazon.com/Santa-vs-Satan-Compendium-Imaginary/dp/0307406709/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1208807460&sr=8-1

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    Bryan Christian has worked as a writer for Epicurious, GenArt and ID magazine; a web producer for WWD and Condé Nast; and a cameraman for his friends. He's married with roommate and lives in Clinton Hill, Brooklyn.

    Lindy Parker has worked as a ghostwriter, editor, dance instructor and a purveyor of dreams, one beer at a time. She loves Charles Dickens and Gabriel Garcia Marquez and also, straight-to-video releases with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. It's possible she reads more teen fiction than she should. She hails from Los Angeles, her hometown and soul mate, but she lives in Brooklyn, the fling she'll never forget.

    Olivia Purnell left Ohio for sunny Los Angeles; then found that she couldn’t ignore New York City’s call, and brought herself to Brooklyn where she has worked with GenArt, BlackBook, the School of American Ballet, and finished an M.A. in Creative Writing from N.Y.U. She loves one-liners with sting and hates the stench of the subway in the summer. That said, she can’t get enough of either.

    Jake Kalish is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Spin, Blender, Men's Fitness, Poets and Writers, and Playboy, among other publications. He is also the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights.

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    Ben Kallen is an entertainment, health and humor writer who's been lectured to by Sidney Poitier, argued with by Lea Thompson and smiled at by Jennifer Connelly. He's the coauthor of The No S Diet and author of The Year in Weird, along with hundreds of magazine articles. He lives near the beach in Los Angeles, just like the gang from Three's Company.

    Nicole Ankowski has lived in Ohio, Oakland, and on the high plains of South Dakota, but is now proud to call Brooklyn home. She wrote for alternative weekly papers in the first two states, and tried to learn Lakota in the last. (The vowels can be tricky.) She just earned her MFA in Creative Writing and has been published in Beeswax literary journal. She is unable to resist good writing or bad TV.

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