A wedding, slowdancing and kissing, speeches about the importance of love, commitment, mutual respect, and responsible fatherhood -- this was the Serial Killer Lifetime Family Movie.
Seriously, we love this show - but this was one flaccid season finale. Or, in murdering terms, this was no machete, it was a butterknife. The feel-good murderer show the whole family can enjoy started with Miguel Prado dead in a field, skin taken from his back in the style of the Skinner. Now, La Guerta knew that Dexter knew that Miguel was Ellen Wolf's killer - and Dex asked Deb to be his best man right before Miguel showed up dead. That, plus the fact that Miguel knew all of Dexter's secrets and could have told anyone, including his ferocious, already suspicious alcoholic bro Ramon, made us think Dexter might at least be suspected for this murder. No go, at least not this season. Huh. Slightly disappointing, like this whole season - still very good TV, but nowhere near as tight, tense, creepy, and downright sinister as the first two seasons.
Ramon is furious at Dexter, though - grabs him, kicks him out of Miguel's funeral. Breaks into Dex's place when he's not there, rips his wedding suit, cops come and go through everything, but don't find the blood slides. Dexter doesn't know what to do about this Ramon problem - he can't kill him, because he doesn't meet the code.
Meanwhile, Dexter discovers Rita's first marriage was at 16 - a quick one, and she's never mentioned it. Should this secret bother him? He's got some pretty big secrets of his own. He doesn't know what to do about this either. Honestly, we suggest dropping it, as it's not that interesting. We get it, she's got secrets too. Kill somebody.
Deb gets made a detective! Yay, Deb! But then Angel discovers that she's been sleeping with Anton the sorta CI, and says he's got to say something. Then Deb blurts out that she knows Angel met Gianna when he was going to a prostitute. So Angel tells La Guerta about how he met Gianna, and tells about Deb, too. La Guerta doesn't really care, just like we don't. She says private lives can remain private. Shoulda told that to the writers. Um, kill somebody?
Someone's following Dexter when he picks up Cody and Astor. Dex times it so that someone gets into a fender bender. We could assume that someone is Ramon Prado, but it turns out its not - we won't be fooled again, after that weird bachelor-party kidnapping trick from last episode. Damn you, Dexter writers! Ramon pulls a gun on Dexter at his rehearsal dinner - bad move, he's surrounded by cops. Deb gets a gun to Ramon's head, Angel cuffs him. Dex winds up in a room with Ramon, in lockup - this could be really tense but isn't. Turns out Ramon just thinks everything went downhill for the Prados when Dexter showed up - and he doesn't even know the guy killed both his brothers! Boy, then he'd really be pissed! Whatever, Dexter feels sorry for Ramon, thinks he's like a wounded animal - maybe he doesn't have to be put down. Great, mercy. You're like Jesus, but slightly more homicidal. But having Ramon out there is dangerous - are they carrying this storyline into next season? It really doesn't seem wrapped up.
Dexter gives a demo on how to tie a perfect tie knot - tyvm, now we know the rabbit goes into the hole - and things are feeling a wee bit sappy. Then the Skinner attacks Dexter! He's the one who was following Dex, who is now tied up on a table, with a murderer staring at him. Oh, how the tables have turned. Dexter's not afraid, though - and has another vision of his dead dad. He says "Dad, I forgive you." He says he wants to see his son grow up. To be precise, Dexter Morgan says
I want to be there for him. I've never wanted anything so much in my whole life.
Um, you're a bloodthirsty serial killer. Didn't you kind of want to kill people a whole lot? We told you, Hallmark Holiday Special. Meanwhile, Deb goes into La Guerta's office and chooses love. She says she wanted to be with Anton, she wants to be with Anton, and she doesn't care what it costs her. La Guerta gives her the shield. Sappy-ass shit. Somebody kill somebody!
Dexter figures out how to get at George King, the Skinner - he says "I killed Freebo," and describes in detail how he did it. He tells King he'll never get his money from Freebo, and he messes with King's mind, talking about how they're both monsters. King wanders off to get his Skinning equipment, and Dexter flips the table over, breaking his hand but managing to get free of the rope. That Skinner could have used some knot-tying lessons - the rabbit goes in the hole, dude. Anyway, Dexter headlocks him, breaks his neck, drops him on a cop car, which runs him over. And he's climbed out the window before the cops can see him. Neckbreaking is unsatisfying, as kills go. And isn't Dexter's DNA all over this dude? Seriously, are they keeping this storyline open next season? Because these storylines are tied looser than the Skinner's knots. The rabbit goes in the goddamned hole!
Now we're at Dexter's wedding - he's decided to let Rita keep the secret of her first marriage, and vows to be the best husband and father he possibly can be. This is supposed to be meaningful but seems generic. Then, as they are slowdancing in slow-mo, drops of blood from dexter's broken hand symbolically drip onto her dress. Ooooh, we get it. Dude, kill her! She lied to you! Or at least kill somebody! Leave the wedding and kill Ramon! Stay, and kill the priest! (no good reason - but wouldn't that be ill?) At least kill the rabbit, before it goes in the hole.
