The Remote Island

Jeremy Piven’s Sushi Story Might Cost Him

Posted by Olivia Purnell

 

Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy, how did you not see this coming, buddy? Of course the producers of Speed-The-Plow are going to investigate your claim of mercury poisoning. Of course they’re going to try to sue your pint-sized ass for all the cash they loose on the play in the wake of your impromptu departure.

Because let’s be honest . . .

You’re little mercury story is ridiculous. It’s as though you didn’t have your homework and you told the teacher that your pet lynx ate it. Not only do pets not eat homework (unless your arithmetic has been rubbed down with bolognaise), but are you really claiming to own a lynx?  Where do you keep this lynx? Do you take it for walks? Is its fur as silky and manageable as say, a snow leopard, or a jaguar? How does your lynx compare to a jaguar?

These are all questions that your teacher/producers will ask when you tell a really silly tale, such as: I got mercury poisoning from eating a wheelbarrow full of sushi, a whole big ass wheelbarrow.

Does it suck to have to pay producers potential loses on a production that you starred in? Yes. But will it teach you to, say, develop a fake illness that makes sense? We hope so.


(nypost.com)


Previously:
 
No One Believes Jeremy Piven Eats That Much Sushi
Jeremy Piven Drops Out of David Mamet Play, Prompting Mamet to Suggest Piven Should be Shoved Up Someone’s Ass


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    Lindy Parker has worked as a ghostwriter, editor, dance instructor and a purveyor of dreams, one beer at a time. She loves Charles Dickens and Gabriel Garcia Marquez and also, straight-to-video releases with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. It's possible she reads more teen fiction than she should. She hails from Los Angeles, her hometown and soul mate, but she lives in Brooklyn, the fling she'll never forget.

    Olivia Purnell left Ohio for sunny Los Angeles; then found that she couldn’t ignore New York City’s call, and brought herself to Brooklyn where she has worked with GenArt, BlackBook, the School of American Ballet, and finished an M.A. in Creative Writing from N.Y.U. She loves one-liners with sting and hates the stench of the subway in the summer. That said, she can’t get enough of either.

    Jake Kalish is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Spin, Blender, Men's Fitness, Poets and Writers, and Playboy, among other publications. He is also the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights.

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