The Remote Island

Sweet Susan Boyle Story Becomes Ugly Porn Story

Posted by Jake Kalish

 

On Friday Remote Lindy made the point that, for all the hype, mania, and You Tube frenzy surrounding her, "Britain's Got Talent" sensation Susan Boyle isn't all that spectacular as a singer. Also on Friday, Patrick Goldstein of the LA Times wrote about what this frenzy about her means about us:

What has made her sudden celebrity so fascinating -- and disturbing -- is that it seems thoroughly intertwined with the notion that, to be blunt about it, an ugly woman can have a beautiful voice. If a petite, pretty in pink 20-year-old had done a marvelous job of warbling the song, would anyone have made such a big fuss about it? Clearly not. Would the Web be so full of wonder if the singer were a chubby guy who hadn't had a date in a decade? In a word: No. So for all our delight in Boyle's triumph, isn't the fuss over her a compelling example of our society's rampant sexism?

And now, as if to prove this point, a porn company has made 47-year-old, never been kissed Susan Boyle a very lucrative and icky offer...

Kick-Ass Pictures, an LA-based porn company, is offering Susan Boyle $1 million to lose her virginity on-camera. Yup, this feel-good story just became a feel-gross story, didn't it?

The company has already set up a website, SusanBoyleXXX.com, where fans can vote for various possible movie titles. If Boyle were to accept the offer, the firm would fly her out to Los Angeles on -- natch -- Virgin Airlines. There's only one hitch -- the offer only lasts for a week. As company President Mark Kulkis so delicately put it: "We want to get this movie shot and out while Susan has the world's attention. Besides, after 47 years of virginity, I'm sure Susan is also anxious to get something cracking as soon as possible." 

Oh, shut up, sleazeball. We're already reporting on you and your porn company - you got what you wanted. But we're reporting on this offer because it clearly means something - about all of us. Like the whole Susan Boyle phenomenon. As Tanya Gold of the Guardian UK asked:

Is Susan Boyle ugly? Or are we? On Saturday night she stood on the stage in Britain's Got Talent; small and rather chubby, with a squashed face, unruly teeth and unkempt hair. She wore a gold lace dress, which made her look like a piece of pork sitting on a doily. Interviewed by Ant and Dec beforehand, she told them that she is unemployed, single, lives with a cat called Pebbles and has never been kissed. Susan then walked out to chatter, giggling, and a long and unpleasant wolf whistle.

Why are we so shocked when "ugly" women can do things, rather than sitting at home weeping and wishing they were somebody else?

PREVIOUSLY:

"Britain's Got Talent" Phenom Susan Boyle: Overrated? [VIDEO]

Is Simon Leaving "American Idol"? Our Top Three Choices For His Replacement

The Most YouTubed Show

"American Idol": See Adam Lambert Way Before He Crushed All Competitors Under The Weight Of His Immense Talent

We Now Interrupt The Pope's Good Friday Service To Bring You "Girls Gone Wild"

 

 

 

 

 


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About Jake Kalish

Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights http://www.amazon.com/Santa-vs-Satan-Compendium-Imaginary/dp/0307406709/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1208807460&sr=8-1

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    Lindy Parker has worked as a ghostwriter, editor, dance instructor and a purveyor of dreams, one beer at a time. She loves Charles Dickens and Gabriel Garcia Marquez and also, straight-to-video releases with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. It's possible she reads more teen fiction than she should. She hails from Los Angeles, her hometown and soul mate, but she lives in Brooklyn, the fling she'll never forget.

    Olivia Purnell left Ohio for sunny Los Angeles; then found that she couldn’t ignore New York City’s call, and brought herself to Brooklyn where she has worked with GenArt, BlackBook, the School of American Ballet, and finished an M.A. in Creative Writing from N.Y.U. She loves one-liners with sting and hates the stench of the subway in the summer. That said, she can’t get enough of either.

    Jake Kalish is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Spin, Blender, Men's Fitness, Poets and Writers, and Playboy, among other publications. He is also the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights.

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    Ben Kallen is an entertainment, health and humor writer who's been lectured to by Sidney Poitier, argued with by Lea Thompson and smiled at by Jennifer Connelly. He's the coauthor of The No S Diet and author of The Year in Weird, along with hundreds of magazine articles. He lives near the beach in Los Angeles, just like the gang from Three's Company.

    Nicole Ankowski has lived in Ohio, Oakland, and on the high plains of South Dakota, but is now proud to call Brooklyn home. She wrote for alternative weekly papers in the first two states, and tried to learn Lakota in the last. (The vowels can be tricky.) She just earned her MFA in Creative Writing and has been published in Beeswax literary journal. She is unable to resist good writing or bad TV.

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