
Sure,
this weekend's Emmys got us all thinking about nice stuff like the
rewards of a job well done, the power of television as a communication
medium, and Tina Fey cleaned up real purty. But we know what you were
really thinking about. You were wondering Jon Hamm couldn't have
tackled Bryan Cranston and taken the award for himself. You were
wondering why Neil Patrick Harris hasn't challenged Jeremy Piven to a
duel. You wanted Kyra Sedgwick and Holly Hunter to shove Glenn Close
out of the way and decide this like animals.
We did too! Which is
why we are now inaugurating a new feature on The Remote Island:
Imaginary TV Fights. Fights that we all know could happen -- should
happen -- on our televisions, but somehow never will. Maybe we can't
get real-life actors to battle it out, but darned if we can't determine
which of their characters would reign supreme in a full contact
deathmatch. (You can't argue with science!)
Our guide through this Alternate History Channel will be Jake Kalish, raconteur and cryptopopculturalist, whose book Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights
is helping worldwide to settle the question "Who'd win?" Han Solo or
Indiana Jones? Muhammed Ali or Bruce Lee? Voltaire or Voltron? We
contacted Kalish in his palatial Aspen estate and asked him to consider
the many untapped wells of violence and domincation that exist
throughout TV history, and identify a few of the most intriguing ones.
Here is the first: the many sides of William Shatner duking it out in a
threeway battle of the stars! (Well, "star," anyway.)
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