The Remote Island

Conan O'Brien Discovers An Exciting New Technology [VIDEO]

Jake Kalish — Fri, 15 May 2009 21:55:00 GMT

Funny, we think we've heard of this...

Like Conan, we're excited about this new technology called television, and we hope we've conveyed that excitement to you.

Bye.

PREVIOUSLY:

Jay Leno: "Conan Was Holding A Pillow Over My Face" [VIDEO]

The "Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien" Website Is Here [VIDEO]

Andy Richter Impersonates Conan O'Brien [VIDEO]

"30 Rock": Everybody Was In "Kidney Now" [VIDEO]

Jake Kalish — Fri, 15 May 2009 21:05:00 GMT

Everybody - and we mean everybody - was in that fake benefit song in the season finale of 30 Rock. Elvis Costello, Clay Aiken, Sheryl Crow, the Beastie Boys, Maroon 5’s Adam Levine, Mary J. Blige, Wyclef, Talib Kweli, Moby, Norah Jones, Cyndi Lauper, and more. Plus, the song had catchy lyrics:

This country has six million kidneys/and we really only need half/that leaves about three hundred million kidneys/Do the math.

Check it out...

PREVIOUSLY:

Judah Friedlander, World Champion [VIDEO]

Salma Hayek Likes To Sync Her Weddings With Her "30 Rock" Appearances

NBC: Incompetent Would Be A Step Up [VIDEO]

Matt Giraud: Better After "Idol"?

Lindy Parker — Fri, 15 May 2009 20:34:00 GMT

Is it us or has Matt Giraud gotten like a hundred times better since he got voted off American Idol? Here's some examples...

Matt on Ellen...

RIght? He's more confident and suave, and his voice sounds amazing. We don't remember him sounding quite that good when he performed "Let's Get It On" on American Idol.

Matt on Regis and Kelly...

Except for Regis forgetting his mic was still on and talking over the first part of Matt's song, that version of "So Small" was also significantly more relaxed and smooth than his original Idol performance. In fact, the only post-Idol appearance in which Matt seemed less than comfortable was the Tonight Show...

Previously:

American Idol: The Piano Man
American Idol: Rat Pack Brats
American Idol: Disco Double Down
American Idol: Somebody Save Me

Friday Flashback: Bette Midler Makes Johnny Carson Cry

Olivia Purnell — Fri, 15 May 2009 20:07:00 GMT

Although these days, Bette Midler is hanging with 50 Cent and giving Jennifer Aniston man advice (like ya do), there was a time in our young lives when Bette made us tear up on a regular basis. She was the wind beneath our wings. She was CC Bloom, the character in Beaches who had us crying the ugly cry as she said farewell to her cancer-ridden friend. Throughout the ninties, homegirl just kept tugging on our heart strings with that super-toothy grin on her face. Her most memorable moment might have been her Johnny Carson serenade. On Carson's last show, the Divine Miss M sang the perfect tribute to send him off.

Now our time with The Remote Island is coming to an end. And though we're no Johnny, we still want to hear Bette sing her sweet little goodbye.

NBC Wants "Chuck", But Cheaper

Jake Kalish — Fri, 15 May 2009 19:33:00 GMT

Whatever happened to that saying "You've got to spend money to make money?" Either take the show or don't, Peacock. Don't take a borderline show with a devoted, fanatical fan base ,cut its resources, and then expect it to succeed. NBC is still ostensibly one of the four major networks, but sometimes they feel a lot like UHF. This from Entertainment Weekly:

Question: What's the latest on Chuck's renewal? --Dave
Ausiello: Warner Bros. and NBC are haggling over money. Shocking, I know. If a deal can be worked out -- and I have every reason to believe it can (and will) be -- it'll be back for a 13-episode third season.

Good. Back, we're sure, with a whole lot more product placement.

PREVIOUSLY:

Will The "Save Chuck" Subway Sandwich Movement Keep The Show On The Air?

Is "Chuck" In Trouble?

"Chuck" Characters Keep Being Named After Ex-Athletes And No One Knows Why

"Bones": The Sex Doesn't Count If It's All In Your Head

Lindy Parker — Fri, 15 May 2009 19:00:00 GMT

Can we all agree that the much-hyped Booth/Brennan hook up was grossly disappointing?

A dream? Come on! It's like last night's Bones was the love child of Grey's Anatomy and Dallas with a CSI recessive gene. It's not like we hate alternate reality TV episodes of our favorite shows (Hello, Buffy The Musical? Awesome), it's more that we don't appreciate being led on under false pretenses. Also, A DREAM? Come on. That said, we did get some shirtless Boreanaz on this fanciful road to ridiculous cop out, and for that we have no complaint, only gratitude. And, in the end, there are alternate reality TV episodes that were even less satifying (re: more idiotic) than the Bones psuedo-sex. Namely, the One Tree Hill 1940's episode.

Previously:

Emily Deschanel Wants to Jump David Boreanaz's "Bones"

Bones/Family Guy Crossover: Funnier Than Expected?

OMG, There's a Bones/Family Guy Crossover Happening

"Bones" Moves To Thursdays Tonight

Judd Apatow On AMC's "Storymakers": "There Is A Certain Amount Of Penis America Can Handle In 2009"

Jake Kalish — Fri, 15 May 2009 18:40:00 GMT

Tonight at 10, Apatow, Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz, and Nick Cassavetes sit down with hosts Peter Guber and Peter Bart to discuss film. And, apparently,male genitalia.

We find Apatow's statement to be true, and profound. Of course, then the question is: what is the proper amount of penis?

We've spent our whole lives trying to figure that out. Oh, you were expecting an answer? Okay, hold on...

Seven. Seven what? Inches? Minutes? Penises?

No, just seven.

PREVIOUSLY:

CNN Loves Penis...Uh, What?

"Grey's Anatomy": Everybody Wants To Know If You Can Really Break Your Penis

Domino's Phallic Pasta Ad Is Too Hot For TV [VIDEO]

No Erectile Dysfunction Ads On TV Before 10 P.M.?

Giant Television Preys On Penis Insecurities

Craig Ferguson Beats Jimmy Fallon

Jake Kalish — Fri, 15 May 2009 18:22:00 GMT

In the ratings. For the very first time.

It was only by an eyelash, but the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson topped Late Night with Jimmy Fallon in total viewers for the first time.

Ferguson's show also tied Fallon's in adults 25 to54 years-of-age for the first time, according to Nielsen live plus same day ratings for the week ending May 8.

The Late Late Show drew 1.87 million viewers to CBS, up 7% in viewers (from 1.74 million) compared to the same week last year.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon drew 1.867 million viewers.

Oh, this late late night battle, she's on now. Lick that for $10, Jimmy Fallon...

PREVIOUSLY:

Craig "Bam Bam" Ferguson Smashes Camera [VIDEO]

Craig Ferguson Is Classy

We've Lost All Faith In Jimmy Fallon [VIDEO]

Jimmy Fallon, The Internet "Person of The Year"?

Shades of Grey's Anatomy: Beautiful Day To Save Lives, And Yet Everything's Going To Hell

Lindy Parker — Fri, 15 May 2009 18:00:00 GMT

Season finale Friday, guys. Get psyched...

Lindy-High: Strange but true, we have two highs this week. First, Christina declaring her love to Owen over the air vents. Loved it. Second, Meredith discovering George was the unrecognizable John Doe bus guy. We can't believe we're saying this, but the second hour of this finale was actually a surprisingly good time for us -- sort of like Grey's of yore when Meredith and Christina Ricci had their hands on a bomb in an open body cavity, or when George delivered Bailey's baby. Mostly, our high was that the writing of this episode all made sense and kept our eye-rolling to a minimum. Welcome back to sort-of-awesome Shonda Rhimes.

Olivia-High: Alex Karev. Because homeboy spends most of his time as a snarky asshole, we love seeing him yell and cry. We love it. There's something about a manly man breaking down that does it for us. He makes us want Izzie to survive. Which is quite the feat. Job well done, Karev.

Lindy-Low: Dr. Bailey re-cycling the I-can't-move-forward-in-my-career-or-my-husband-will-divorce-me plotline. We've been here before, and we're over it. Apparently, Dr. Bailey is too because she's divorcing Tucker. Truthfully, we most enjoy Dr. Bailey when she's shepherding the interns-turned-residents along the rocky landscapes of their lives and careers. Let's get back to that, no?

Olivia-Low: Meredith could not be more annoying with this marriage shit. Although we will admit that the Meredith-Christina moment, the declaration of love between two friends, was almost too sweet for words, we really still want to smack her every time she speaks. We watch a show every week that makes us want to hit someone, hard. That's unhealthy.

Previously:

Shades of Grey's Anatomy: Like Rain on Your Wedding Day

Shades of Grey's Anatomy: Don't Tell Mama

Friday Shades Of "Grey's Anatomy": Death Doesn't Become Her

Friday Shades of Grey's Anatomy: Wake Me Up Before You Kill Me

Friday Shades of Grey's Anatomy: Sometimes You Just Need an Enema

American "Ab Fab" Is Not Happening

Jake Kalish — Fri, 15 May 2009 17:36:00 GMT

Fox has passed on the American Ab Fab after viewing the pilot episode. Why can't we Americans seem to get this right? Alison Waldman of TV Squad has a theory:

The fact is that even with Jennifer Saunders on board to work on the American version, Absolutely Fabulous was an essentially British show. It was also a show of its time, the '90s. Eddy and Patsy's antics were outrageously topical, including all the arcane British references to pop culture, drugs, booze, fashion, PR and cosmetic surgery.

Have to respectfully disagree. British references can easily become American references - think British Office/American Office - and '90's references can easily be updated. Plus, "pop culture, drugs, booze, fashion, PR and cosmetic surgery" - that's all still around, last time we checked. It's probably more prevalent, too. No, it seems the biggest problem to solve, besides the need to get really good writers, is that Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley were so damn good.

Still, we can think of 3 American comediennes who'd be great in an American Ab Fab...

1. Amy Poehler - much better fit than Parks and Recreation.

2. Margaret Cho - at long last, turned loose on TV.

3. Chelsea Handler - She's already practically doing it an American version of Ab Fab on her show, and with books like Are You there, vodka? It's me, Chelsea.

And there are others, like Jane Krakowski, maybe Elizabeth Perkins, even Julia Louis-Dreyfus if we could get over the Seinfeld thing. So maybe this shouldn't be such a Rubix Cube for us over here in the States. We should be able to figure this out. Still, perhaps a great show is best left alone.

PREVIOUSLY:

American "Ab Fab": Is This Going To Work?

Kristen Johnson May Join The New, American "Absolutely Fabulous"

Margaret Cho: "Bisexual Doesn't Cover It" [VIDEO]

Chelsea Handler vs. Tori Spelling Is A Real Mismatch [VIDEO]

Is "Parks and Recreation" Really Less Funny Than "Joey"?

Jake Kalish — Fri, 15 May 2009 17:11:00 GMT

That's what Maureen Ryan of the Chicago Tribune says. Oof - that's rough. She does present a detailed and compelling argument, though...

People bash "Joey" as the worst example of NBC's tendency to extend its franchises well beyond what is desirable or logical. Yet "Parks and Recreation" is a more dispiriting example of the same trend, because far more talent is going to waste on this show...

For years, Amy Poehler was one of the best things about "Saturday Night Live." Clearly she has talent to spare, and the idea of her creating a comedy with writers Greg Daniels and Michael Schur of "The Office" seemed like an excellent idea.

Unfortunately that idea was not ready for prime time; Schur, Daniels and Poehler needed more time to marinate their ideas.

But NBC was bound and determined to have an Amy Poehler comedy on the air this season, and what co-chair Ben Silverman wants, he gets. The end result of all that rushing, however, is that much of "Parks and Recreation," which airs it season finale Thursday, comes off as half-baked and decidedly unfunny.

By this point in its life cycle, Daniels' version of "The Office," which also started with a six-episode tryout season, was showing quite a bit of promise. NBC has renewed "Parks and Recreation," but it's hard to see why. Then again, having forced this show on the air, executives at the network can hardly admit their mistake now.

The biggest problem is that Poehler's character, officious and dim parks bureaucrat Leslie Knope is as unappealing than she was in the first episode. Not once have I rooted for this strained character, who has more ambition than "The Office's" Michael Scott but none of his child-like charm. It’s hard to escape the conclusion that Poehler should be playing a smart if sometimes inept character --someone like Liz Lemon on “30 Rock” -- not a female Michael Scott with delusional political ambitions.

Like we, said, oof. Rough - but also a lot like what our Remote Bryan said, though he had a lot more hope in his voice.

PREVIOUSLY:

We Think "Parks And Recreation" Will Probably Get A Lot Better Than It Already Is. You?

The Rumors Are True: "Parks And Recreation" Is Probably Too Much Like "The Office" [VIDEO]

Rashida Jones + Jon Favreau ?

Rashida Jones vs. Andy Samberg [VIDEO]

"How Bruce Lee Changed The World", Sunday Night At 8 On The History Channel

Jake Kalish — Fri, 15 May 2009 16:48:00 GMT

Changed the world? Like Jonas Salk or Thomas Edison? Don't know about that, although this 2-hour documentary makes some compelling arguments. It seems the greatest way he changed the world is that every man since Enter The Dragon came out has pretended to be Bruce Lee in front of the mirror.

Also, if you're like yours truly, you know all kinds of Bruce Lee fun facts. And these aren't phony, like the ones about Chuck Norris...

1. Bruce Lee was considered medically unfit for the Vietnam War because he had an undescended testicle.

2. His real name is Li Jun Fan - a girl's name. His mother named him that to ward off evil spirits she thought attacked male children.

Rumors about his death, which at least officially was brought on by a brain edema in his mistress's house, caused by an allergic reaction to the prescription painkiller Equagesic:

1. His demise was a delayed reaction to a Shaolin Monk's death touch.

2. He overdosed on Spanish Fly.

All right, Dorkfest 2009 is now over.

PREVIOUSLY:

The Chairman From "Iron Chef" Goes All Bruce Lee On Your Butt

You're No Einstein But He Was - Tonight At 9 Eastern, History Channel

"Biggest Loser" Winner Backlash in 3...2...1...

Lindy Parker — Fri, 15 May 2009 16:20:00 GMT

When you've lost over half your body weight, you start approaching that dangerous line at which you stop being inspirational and everyone starts criticizing you for being too skinny. After 48 year old Helen Philips rolled up to the final weigh in at the Biggest Loser finale looking like a sliver of her former self, we knew the backlash wasn't far off. Sure enough, runner-up Tara Costa has some thoughts on Helen's finale appearance...

TVGuide.com: You were the front-runner all season. Are you disappointed about losing?
Tara Costa: Standing on that scale last night, I knew that I did the best that I could. That's why today, I feel so great. I went to the extent that my body would go; I didn't want to look emaciated and unhealthy just to win a prize. I'm 5'9", I have bigger bones, I have a ton of muscle on me. That's just my genetic build and that's okay.
TVGuide.com: Were you shocked by Helen's transformation?
Costa: I think Helen is definitely extremely skinny. I know that where I am right now is a healthy place for me, and I'll be able to [maintain]. (TV Guide)

Okay, we have a couple of thoughts on this: We admit that Helen did look a little gaunt at the finale, but we also think Tara's "I didn't want to look emaciated for $250,000" is bullshit. If Tara had lost four more pounds, she would've beat Helen and taken home the money -- that's a pretty big deal for a girl in her early twenties who just got a new lease on her life and still lives at home with her mom. Not to get judge-y about this because obviously Tara had to do what was right for her, but if it was us in the running for a quarter of a million dollars, we would've done just what Helen did -- hire a couple of trainers and lose all the weight you can possibly lose in order to win. You can always gain back whatever you want afterwards to achieve an easily-maintable weight. Granted, we were rooting for Mike, but in the wake of Tara's criticisms we have a newfound respect for her efforts. Go ahead, girl...

Previously:

The Biggest Loser: Is It Wrong To Be Disappointed?
The Biggest Loser Finale Airs Tonight!
The Biggest Loser Isn't a Show, It's a Lifestyle
“Biggest Loser” Star Shannon Thomas Allegedly Assaults A Man With Flour
“Momma’s Boys” Loses Even More Than “The Biggest Loser”
Number of Times We Teared Up During “Biggest Loser Families”: 7

The Most Offensive Ad Ever [VIDEO]

Jake Kalish — Fri, 15 May 2009 15:11:00 GMT

So here's the thing - an Australian reality TV show called Gruen Transfer had a contest wherein competing teams had to "sell the unsellable" - make an anti-fat discrimination ad. One team, an ad agency called The Foundry, approached the project with the best of intentions - but the end result didn't go too well, and their ad was deemed far too offensive to ever air on television. Because, well, this anti-discrimination ad just seems like a whole lot of discrimination...

PREVIOUSLY:

Domino's Phallic Pasta Ad Is Too Hot For TV [VIDEO]

"Baby Got Back" + Spongebob Squarepants = New Controversial Burger King Ad [VIDEO]

Is This Ad Offensive? [VIDEO]

"DWTS": Melissa Rycroft Says No To Playboy

Lindy Parker — Fri, 15 May 2009 14:45:00 GMT

Can you imagine the kind of WW3-level fight that would ensue if Melissa Rycroft posed nude for Playboy, and then Molly Malaney found it stuffed under Jason Mesnick's mattress? Sadly, we'll never know...

Is Melissa posing for Playboy?

"Not true. My father would kill me! Not only would I never do it, my father would never look at me the same ever again!" (Us Weekly)

We're pretty sure that was a "Hell no!" to posing nude. Apparently, bikinis are as scandalous as Melissa likes to get in her photoshoots...

Previously:

Melissa Rycroft Nude In Playboy? Can She Ask Holly Madison For Tips?

"Bachelor" Reject Melissa Rycroft Has "Girl Next Door" Holly Madison Shaking In Her Boots [VIDEO]

"DWTS" Maxsim Chmerovskiy Trashes ABC's Decision To Cast Melissa Rycroft

Rejected Bachelorette Melissa Rycroft Will "Dance With The Stars"?

Neil Patrick Harris, Your "Tony Awards" Host

Jake Kalish — Fri, 15 May 2009 14:22:00 GMT

For the June 7 broadcast. NPH reportedly wasn't the top choice to host. This guy, who would not have been as good, was...

James Gandolfini. Because he's starring in God Of Carnage on Broadway. Tony Soprano? For real? Is he like some gregarious, charming master of ceremonies on the sly? Good thing he had the sense to turn them down.

PREVIOUSLY:

Neil Patrick Harris Won't Stop Singing

Is Sarah Chalke The "HIMYM" Mother?

Gandolfini Is Coming To Broadway

Neil Patrick Harris As Pamela Anderson Strangely Makes Us Want To Watch The TV Land Awards [PHOTO]

Susan Boyle Is Now A Surly Superstar

Jake Kalish — Fri, 15 May 2009 13:25:00 GMT

A surly superstar in a lovely pink boa. These transformations, they happen so quickly. According to the Daily Mail, Susan Boyle was pretty cranky with fans and paparazzi, even throwing around an expletive or two. Uttered, we're sure, in an angelic voice...

The Britain's Got Talent favourite, whose audition has attracted 100 million hits on YouTube, flew from her Edinburgh home to London ahead of her appearance in next Saturday's quarter finals. And although the 47-year-old singer seems happy to show off a more polished appearance, she is still clearly less than comfortable with the attention she now attracts.

Having landed at Heathrow on a £77 economy flight from Edinburgh on Wednesday she immediately got into a spot of bother when an admirer her to pose for a photograph with his wife. She ignored the man's request and when he persisted and then took a photograph anyway, she told him to 'F*** off' and darted with her assistant into an elevator.

She became even more flustered when greeted by the airport's resident paparazzi and took off at speed into London in a people carrier with blacked-out windows.

Ninety minutes later, the car arrived at the Pineapple costume, make-up and rehearsal studio in north London. Still however, the lady with the angelic voice seemed unable to get rid of her scowl. She refused to answer reporters' questions during her trip or smile for the cameras.

This can only turn out badly, can't it? Drug addiction. Abuse. Manipulation. Maybe even virginity-ending porn. Too big, too fast.

PREVIOUSLY:

Sweet Susan Boyle Story Becomes Ugly Porn Story

"Britain's Got Talent" Phenom Susan Boyle: Overrated?

The Top Three People Who Could Use A "Project Runway" Makeover

Jay Leno's Last "Tonight Show" Guest

Jake Kalish — Thu, 14 May 2009 21:35:00 GMT

We've gotta say, it's an excellent choice...

And so, the torch is passed. A classy team player, that Jay Leno. In addition to having the new Tonight Show host on last that last May 29th broadcast of the old Tonight Show, in the final week Leno will welcome Mel Gibson, Prince (he of the crazy interviews) and Billy Crystal, who was Leno's first guest when he took over Tonight in 1992.

PREVIOUSLY:

Jay Leno: "Conan Was Holding A Pillow Over My Face" [VIDEO]

The New "Leno" Will Be A Hell Of A Lot Like The Old Leno [VIDEO]

The "Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien" Website Is Here [VIDEO]

"The Hills": Lauren Conrad Bails, Kristin Cavallari Returns

Lindy Parker — Thu, 14 May 2009 21:00:00 GMT

Huh. Maybe we'll finally get an answer to the age old question: How big is Matt Leinart's penis...

EW can exclusively confirm that Cavallari will indeed be starring in MTV's reality series. The 22-year old's first appearance will be the May 31st season finale (she catches the bouquet at Heidi and Spencer’s wedding, natch) and she'll appear in 10 episodes this fall. (EW.com)

It seems Kristin can't get enough pseudo-unscripted television in her life -- or maybe she's hoping a stint on The Hills will set her on the path to acting stardom?

"The goal for me is to get my fans excited about me again. When I first started out, I had a celebrity name but I didn’t have the acting skills I have now. If I have some buzz with my name again, I feel like it will only help.” (EW.com)

Translation: It worked for Stephen Colletti, it could work for me...

Previously:

Is Harlem Heights Better Than MTV's The City?
"The Hills" Season 5 Trailer: Stranger (and More Annoying) Than Fiction
The Hills Update: Lauren's Mad; VH1 Says "Heidi and Spencer Make Millions Off Being A-Holes"

Matthew Fox vs. Jimmy Kimmel [VIDEO]

Jake Kalish — Thu, 14 May 2009 20:30:00 GMT

In a staring contest, because they both grab the same cup of coffee when a barista yells "Gorgeous Man." And then somehow they wind up showering together. From last night's Jimmy Kimmel Live...

We love Jimmy Kimmel when he pokes fun at his own dumpiness. Besides, it's not like he couldn't get a hot girlfriend - even if that is now sadly over.

PREVIOUSLY:

Matthew Fox Is So Done With TV After "Lost"

Today In Photoshoots: Matthew Fox - Is This Man Aging?

Jimmy Kimmel In HD Looks Exactly Like John Stamos [VIDEO]

"Survivor" Richard Hatch Makes a Prison Break

Lindy Parker — Thu, 14 May 2009 20:00:00 GMT

It's been four years since the very first Survivor, Richard Hatch, taught us all a valuable lesson: You can't outwit, outplay or outlast the IRS...

The 48-year-old Hatch -- who was convicted in January 2006 of failing to pay taxes on the $1 million prize he won on the first season of the CBS reality show -- left a federal prison in West Virginia on Monday. He was released early due to good behavior.
Hatch...has maintained his innocence all along, claiming that he thought the show's producers would handle his taxes and that he was ignorant about money matters. (CBS has denied Hatch's claims.) (Us Weekly)

Here's the thing: When you win a million dollars on national television and everyone knows about it, it's probably not a good strategy to shirk your taxes is it? We're guessing if they IRS already has documented proof (i.e. videotape) that you're a millionaire, they're going to be sticklers about getting their cut. Not to mention the fact that Richie Hatch probably spent a good portion of his winnings on lawyer fees trying to stay out of prison. It's a cautionary tale, kids -- one with many levels -- but the main points are these:

1. Don't get naked on TV if you're not going to enjoy looking at pictures later...

2. Don't expect CBS to do your taxes for you.

Lesson learned, Richard Hatch.

Previously:

Today in WTF: Survivor's Richard Hatch Wants to Serve His Sentence in Argentina

"Survivor" Richard Hatch Wants To Get Out Of Jail Free

"Survivor" The Theme Park Experience

Is "Survivor" Channeling "Girls Gone Wild" To Boost Ratings?

Does Bravo's "The Fashion Show" Have The Worst Catch Phrase Ever?

Jake Kalish — Thu, 14 May 2009 19:33:00 GMT

There's one thing critics aren't digging about Bravo's new post-Runway hope, The Fashion Show. And that's Isaac Mizrahi's truly awful catchphrase. This from Nicole Homewood of the New York Post:

BRAVO'S "The Fashion Show" already has a pattern (sigh) that is so troubling, so painful to the ears that the temptation to hit the mute button in the last three minutes of it is almost overwhelming.

It's Issac Mizrahi's farewell catchphrase to the poor loser sent home each week: "We're just not buying it."

And to the lucky person saved from elimination?

"You're still in the competition, but you're hanging by a thread," says Kelly Rowland.

Oh dear. Really?

Boy, that is bad. And we've thought a lot about reality show catchphrases.

PREVIOUSLY:

"The Fashion Show": Bravo's "Project Runway" Replacement Premieres Tonight At 10 Eastern [VIDEO]

"Project Runway" Makes It Work On Lifetime

Can Isaac Mizrahi And Kelly Rowland Make It Work On "The Fashion Show"?

"Lost:" The Big Bang

Olivia Purnell — Thu, 14 May 2009 19:15:00 GMT

So much to talk about!

Before we begin, be warned: What follows is a SPOILERfest. So, if you can't take the SPOILER heat, get out of the SPOILING kitchen. If you're down to get SPOILED, or if you've already seen the Lost season finale, then by all means, let's do this.

First up? Jacob:

Jacob, Jacob, Jacob

We were sure that meeting Jake face to face would be like finally seeing the toothfairy and figuring out that it's just your moms nickle and diming you so she can collect a sack full of your baby teeth. Gross. Ask her, we bet your mom still has a little velveteen pouch full of your nasty little chompers somewhere in the attic next to a lock of hair and a rotting piece of macaroni art. Childhood is kind of disgusting, isn't it?

Anyway, we were sure that meeting Jacob would be just like that. Dissapointing and possibly gross. But we were actually totally jazzed about Mark Pellegrino (pictured above) as Jacob. The super reserved master of the island seemed omniscient, flawed, and hopeful about the ability of mankind to make good choices. We love that J touched the lives of all of the Oceanic six, but never gave a shit about Ben Linus until Ben, persuaded by Jacob's rival in the body of John Locke (oh we'll come back to this part, cause this part is goooooood), is about to kill him.

Ben asks Jacob why he was never chosen, what's so special about those assholes? What's so special about John mothereffing Locke? And Jake comes back with: what's so special about you, bitch? Well we added the bitch part, but it's implied.

Which leads us to J.Locke.

John, John, John.

John Locke is dead ya'll! Those weird statue followers from the Algiers flight have been carrying his body in a crate all over the island to show Richard Alpert. So if John is dead and gone, then who the fuck is wearing John's body suit? When we say body suit, we're not referring to John's Silence of the Lambs "it puts the lotion on it's skin" human suit, but rather John's flesh and blood likeness, with John's memories and creepy manerisms. A twisted afterdeath doppelganger, if you will. Who could put that kind of voodoo together?

Jacob's homeboy from waaaaay back in the day, that's who. Jacob calls him "Conrad," or "Comrade" or something. This guy has been wanting to kill Jacob since that big-assed three-toed ruin was a fully formed Egyptian statue, since before that ship "The Black Rock" wrecked on the island's shores. But Comrade needed to find some kind of homicidal loop-hole to kill Jacob. Apparently, the John Locke/Ben partnership was just the thing.

Conrad leverages Locke's authority and Ben's jealousy to persuade Ben to stab Jake. Which Ben does. Twice. In the chest. Then Connie kicks Jake into a fire pit where he is immediately engulfed in flames. Sad. We were so excited to get to know Jacob. Maybe the island will heal his third degree burns and gaping chest wounds? Anything's possible, right?

Now on to everybody's favorite pill-popping doctor.

Jack

Jack wants to undo history by blowing up Dharma's Swan Station, thereby avoiding the plane crash that started it all. Kate convinces Sawyer and Juliet (well, mainly Juliet) to get off their little submarine honeymoon and stop Jack. Sawyer tries to talk it out with Jack, explaining that undoing everything might not be the answer. Jack won't listen so they beat the living shit out of eachother til Juliet comes along and tells Sawyer that they've got to let Jack undo their past because she knows he's in love with Kate (shoot us in the face with all this Jack on Kate on Sawyer bullshit). So off Jack goes to drob a hydrogen bomb into the middle of the Swan Station.

A shoot out ensues, Jack drops the bomb. And . . . . It doesn't blow. Shit. So the magnetic energy that Dharma is drilling (smart Dharma, real good idea), begins to leak out and suck anything metal into the hole. Juliet is caught by flying chains and sucked down the chasm. Sawyer can't save her (Noooooooo, Blondie!!! Don't let go of my hand!, etc., etc. etc.). Juliet somehow survives the fall. She sees the undetonated bomb. And sets it off by hand.

Boom.

Fade to black.

We thouroghly enjoyed that. You?

Jim Cramer: Jon Stewart Will "Answer For It"

Jake Kalish — Thu, 14 May 2009 18:56:00 GMT

Jon Stewart Interviews Jim Cramer
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Wow, that's vague and kinda threatening, isn't it? Once again, when not actually face-to-face with Jon Stewart, CNBC's Jim Cramer got all blustery...

"I tried not to take it personally, but it was so vicious," Cramer tells Time magazine, out tomorrow. "The ultimate takeaway from the evening was, Jim, why didn't you defend yourself? And the answer is, I was trying to defend our network and take a high road and I didn't want to hit him with a chair or break his face or something like that. But he was very vicious. One day he'll answer for it."

Whoa. So does that mean when you've come to the end of the high road (and you may have reached it already, Jimmy) you will hit him with a chair or break his face or something like that? We'd pay mad money to see you try that. But we're not bullish on the possibility.

PREVIOUSLY:

Jim Cramer Responds To Jon Stewart - On "The Today Show"

Jon Stewart Opens Up A Can Of Whoopass

Jon Stewart Shows Jim Cramer No Mercy On "The Daily Show" [VIDEO]

We Could Get Into "Human Target"

Jake Kalish — Thu, 14 May 2009 18:22:00 GMT

Fox has picked up Human Target, based on the DC Comic.The pilot got great buzz, and the show just sounds like a very good setup for crazy, tense, completely unrealistic action:

Based on the DC Comics title, the show centers on Christopher Chance (Mark Valley), a mysterious freelancer who offers a unique form of security for hire: He assumes the identities of people in danger, becoming the "human target" on behalf of his clients.

Fresh! Plus, it's got one of our favorite character actors in the universe:

Jackie Earle Haley and Chi McBride co-star in the project written by Jon Steinberg and directed by Simon West. The two exec produced the pilot with McG.

Jackie Earle Haley! From this and this! The new Freddy Kreuger! Love Jackie Haley! He was in the most uncomfortable, upsetting scene in film history! You better not tell...

PREVIOUSLY:

ABC Commits To "Fables"

"Pushing Daisies" May Be Back - As A Marvel Comic Book

Kate Mara Had A Big Week

"American Idol": What Hurts The Most Is Being So Close

Lindy Parker — Thu, 14 May 2009 17:30:00 GMT

Dear Danny Gokey,

It's true, we do wish you were in the finale, but we're not going to lie -- if you were in said finale we'd be puling for your ultimate defeat. So, in the end, it doesn't make a lot of difference to us whether you leave this week or next week...

Here's our issue with you: we love your voice, truly we do, but the thing is, we hate these lounge-y, jazzy arrangements you insist on doing. Why, Danny? We feel like a miminalist approach to your performances could really do wonders for our relationship...

And again...

See what we mean? Less is more, D.Goke -- a philosophy you might want to apply to your wardrobe as well. We're just saying.

All the best,

The Remote Island

Previously:

American Idol: You Can Tell Everybody This is Your Song

American Idol: Adam Lambert Gets Bumrushed By Shirtless Girl [VIDEO]

WTF, EW?

American Idol: Break Another Little Piece of My Heart

American Idol: Rock Your Body

American Idol: The Piano Man

American Idol: Rat Pack Brats

Spongebob Is Like Jesus?

Jake Kalish — Thu, 14 May 2009 17:11:00 GMT

That's what a guy says in a new Atlantic article on the Spongebob Squarepants phenomenon.

“SpongeBob is one of the greatest believers in the American dream in all of children’s entertainment,” says Greg Rowland, whose consultancy, Greg Rowland Semiotics, has performed brand analyses for Unilever, KFC, and Coca-Cola. “He’s courageous, he’s optimistic, he’s representing everything that Mickey Mouse should have represented but never did. There’s even something Jesus-like about him—a 9-year-old Jesus after 15 packets of Junior Mints.”

And, as you can see from this Feb.21, 2005 cover of The Nation, it's not the first time the Spongebob-as-Jesus theory has appeared in one of them high-falutin' magazines.

Also, this Atlantic piece by James Parker has maybe the greatest two sentences ever written in post-modern television criticism:

It is Squidward, actually, tending his soufflés at home, who might be said to exhibit a certain spinsterish or curate-like gayness; SpongeBob and Patrick simply love each other very much. Steeped in the soft-edged eroticism of Freud’s latency period, they gambol together through the jellyfish fields.

Gambol together through the jellyfish fields? You know James Parker is awful proud of himself for that.

PREVIOUSLY:

"Baby Got Back" + Spongebob Squarepants = New Controversial Burger King Ad [VIDEO]

Johnny Depp Arouses Strange And Confusing Feelings In Spongebob's Squarepants [VIDEO]

Mr. Rogers: The Original Mr. Jesus

"Gossip Girl's" Matthew Settle Has Something to Say About Michelle Obama

Olivia Purnell — Thu, 14 May 2009 16:43:00 GMT

Rufus Humphrey says he thinks that Michelle Obama is . . .

Smokin' hot.

"Can you say the first lady is hot? Is that allowed?” he asked at Capitol File Magazine's WHCAD party. Rufus is telling the truth. Michelle is fine. She is a good looking woman. This is fact. Look at those guns. But Matthew might want to watch what he says about her royal fineness.

Although, Barack strikes us as an easy going, basketball playing, hamburger eating kind of guy, we're not sure how kindly he's gonna take to Gossip Girl's resident DILF shooting off his mouth about the First MILF.

(intouchweekly.com)

Previously:

David Letterman Defends Barack Obama

David Lettermans Top 10 Reasons I Got Married Do Not Include Blake Lively [VIDEO]

David Letterman Showed Kate Hudson's Ass To America Last Night

"The Office" Parody: Why Every Show Should Have a "24" Crossover [VIDEO]

Lindy Parker — Thu, 14 May 2009 16:20:00 GMT

Every once and a while, there are those few parody videos that just seem to start our day off right -- not ulike an egg mcmuffin in that way....

Okay, so it's not the best spoof we've ever seen, but come on -- the part where they're watching the microwave beep down the seconds? Egg Mcmuffin.

Previously:

Photo of the Day: Office "Peeps"

Strange But True: Kiefer Sutherland Headbutts Designer Defending Brooke Shields

The Office: Now and Forever

"The Office" Musical Rocks

David Letterman To Maya Rudolph: "I Like It When Pregnant Women Are Really Big."

Lindy Parker — Thu, 14 May 2009 15:45:00 GMT

Presumably, if you're David Letterman, and you have a guest on your show like, say, Maya Rudolph who, in addition to being pregnant, also seems to be exhausted, and having a little trouble bringing the usual magic to the interview, there's really only one thing to be done: start talking about how much you like pregnant women. However, as is usually the case with Dave, there's a fine line between the compliment and the soul-crushing...

Click here to watch video at Jezebel.com

Our favorite thing about this interview is that Dave seems to violate at least three of the top five items on the list of appropriate behavior around pregnant women:

1. Start discussing her pregnancy before you actually know her to be pregnant.
2. Use the word "balloon" to describe her appearance.
3. When you find out how much pregnancy weight she's gained, shriek out the number and then laugh uncontrollably.

Although in fairness, Maya Rudolph mostly just seems happy she made it out to the desk.

Previously:

Congratulations, Maya Rudolph!

U2 Week On David Letterman: Top Ten Guest We Wouldn't Get Tired Of

David Letterman is Married [VIDEO]