The Remote Island

TV Shows That Left On Their Own Terms, Like Mike Mussina

Jake Kalish — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 21:12:00 GMT

Yesterday Yankees pitcher Mike Mussina retired, after 18 seasons and the first 20-win year of his career - walking away from a guaranteed 8-figure contract for next year. (Stop with the zeroes. 11 million.) Here's where we relate that to TV: we were trying to think of TV shows that went out like Mike Mussina -- at the peak of their powers, when people still desperately wanted them.

We're not talking brilliant but cancelled stuff, like Arrested Development, Freaks and Geeks, or Sports Night. We're not referring to great shows that stayed huge but dipped a bit creatively toward the end, like Seinfeld, The Sopranos, or Cheers. This doesn't happen much in American television, although it's a constant in Britain -- The Office, Extras, Fawlty Towers. And not to take a thing away from the brilliance of those shows, but none of them had more than a 14 episode run, by design - and it's a lot easier to stay brilliant over 7 total hours of TV than, say, 50.

Hmmm. Help us out here. Well, there's Chapelle's Show, which sort of got there by way of nervous breakdown. And, umm....Friends? Maybe kinda? Jeez, do we have to go back to The Honeymooners? A little help...

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

Oprah's Fiscally Responsible Holiday

Lindy Parker — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 21:00:00 GMT

We have so many reasons to love Oprah (she so cool and fabulous!) -- she cares about our sister's marriage, our dad's prostate and the health of our future kids, and this holiday season, there's one more thing she cares about...

Our wallets. This year, Oprah's "Favorite Things" show will feature only items that an average family can afford. Now, obviously it sucks to be this year's studio audience who are expecting to receive an arsenal of exhorbitantly priced favorite things from O per usual. But, for those of us at home, waiting with pen in hand and holiday planner in lap to scribble down gift ideas for the season, it's nice to know we might actually be able to afford this year's items -- you know last year's $800 HD camcorder had us clutching our pearls...

College Football Championship Games Moving Off Free TV (Just Like Everything Else)

Jake Kalish — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 20:25:00 GMT

Interesting piece by David Hinckley in yesterday's New York Daily News on how college football's BCS Championship games will be moving to cable in a couple of years, increasing the number of big-time sports events that won't be available to non-cable subscribers.

Tuesday's announcement that Bowl Championship Series football games will move to ESPN starting in January 2011 accelerates the inevitable march of major sporting events away from free TV.

Like baseball's league championship series, the NBA conference finals and the Stanley Cup finals, the Orange, Sugar and Fiesta Bowls plus the BCS championship game will be available only to those who can pay the average $40-$45 a month for cable or satellite subscriptions.

Right now, a little less than 20 million of the 118 million TV-viewing households are cable-free, and will miss out. This is the trend, all around; if you want to see the good stuff, you've got to pay for it - so there's no reason college football should be any different, we guess. Wonder what Barack "8 team playoff" Obama thinks about all this.

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

Jeff Conaway Has Seen Better Days, But We Still Kinda Love Him

Jake Kalish — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 19:47:00 GMT

It's hard to know what to think about Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew - not sure if it's important or exploitative. Probably both. Whatever, we watch. And what we do know is that we love Jeff Conaway, especially when he's challenging Gary Busey to a fistfight. He's honest, vulnerable, smart - and totally overdramatic, codependent and all kinds of fucked-up. Unfortunately, this is what he looks like now, due to coke and a whole bunch of pills for horrible back pain:

This is sad, not only because of who Conaway is but who he was -- you know, Kenickie from Grease and Bobby Wheeler from Taxi. So if you like Conaway and want to see him pre-junk, grab the DVD set of Taxi, seasons 1-3. Then watch some more Celebrity Rehab, feel bad about yourself and Bobby Wheeler, and wonder what the hell happened.

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

OMG, Ashlee Simpson Jumps On The Weird Baby Name Bandwagon

Lindy Parker — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 19:20:00 GMT

Okay, we're not trying to get judge-y here. Lord knows parents can name their kids whatever they want, and admittedly, no celebrity can touch Shannyn Sossamon when it comes to weird baby names (Audio Science Clayton? Come on, now), but seriously, man -- Bronx Mowgli Wentz? We feel like the conversation went like this:

Ash: What should we name the baby, Baby?

Pete: Dude. How 'bout Brooklyn?

Ash: Ew. That's so trendy.

Pete: But it's cool!

Ash: We should change it up so it's more original.

Pete: Like "Bronx"?

Ash: Yes! It's like the same, but like different.

Pete: Okay. So, Bronx.

Ash: I want him to have a middle name from a book or movie or something.

Pete: Like "Mowgli!"

Ash: Mowgli?

Pete: From The Jungle Book, yo! That was my favorite Disney movie as a kid. [breaks into an emo version of "Bare Necessities"]

Ash: [singing along] That's genius, Baby. "Bronx Mowgli." Fab!

Pete: Word.

Video Fun: Sarah Palin Gives Interview As Turkeys Are Slaughtered

Jake Kalish — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 18:54:00 GMT

Have you seen this? So amazing. Click through for the video!

And she describes this as bringing a bit of "levity." Apparently, she was asked about the backdrop before the interview, and responded "no worries." God, we love her when there's no chance of her becoming President. Please, please, give her a talk show. 'Cause it looks like she ain't gonna get to appoint herself Alaska's newest Senator, so we'll need another way to keep her on TV. Because whenever she's in front of a camera or microphone, incredible things happen.

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

More On ABC Cancelling "Pushing Daisies" And "Dirty Sexy Money"

Olivia Purnell — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 17:20:00 GMT

Well, a couple hours have gone by, and the facts are still these: according to Entertainment Weekly and about a billion other places, ABC will not order additional episodes of Eli Stone, Pushing Daisies, or Dirty Sexy Money. Wow.

But there’s a silver lining . . .

We can hope for full season arcs from each of the doomed shows. Ew.com reports:

The ratings-challenged trio will complete production on their 13-episode orders (Daisies already has, while Eli and DSM have an episode or two to go). Of course, completing the episodes and actually airing them are two totally different things.

We're keeping our fingers crossed. Everybody can use a little closure, don't you think?

Either way, lets have a little gratuitous Lee Pace (Pushing Daisies). You know, for mourning purposes.

PREVIOUSLY:
ABC Breaks Our Heart, Destroys Our Wednesdays
Is It Worth Losing "Pushing Daisies" To Save "Heroes"?

Friday Shades of "Grey's Anatomy": Is It Necrophilia If He Used To Be Your Fiancé?

Lindy Parker — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 17:00:00 GMT

It's the Friday before Thanksgiving, y'all -- We've got a couple of things we're thankful for, and a couple things we could do without...

Olivia-Low: We knew this one was coming, and it’s just as awful as we thought it might be: Crazy Izzie and her dead sidekick, the tall attractive ghost-guy. You know, Deceased Denny, the apparition she has sex with. Let’s review the facts: Sex. Deceased. Ghost. Izzie. And Denny (again, dead Denny) watches Izzie slip into Alex’s room (her real live boyfriend’s room) and says, “It’s okay. I’ll be right here.” What? So now we’re caught in a living-dead love triangle? Should we call it necro-polyamory? Ew. Really, all we have to say is: Hell-to-the-naw, Shonda Rhimes. Girl, we want to trust you, but you’re taking things too far. Turn this crazy train around or we’re going to have to jump off.

Lindy-Low: Lexipedia's weird backroom surgery club appendix fiasco. Please. First of all, we know we've said it before, but Sadie creeps us out. Granted, it makes sense that someone as action-packed with issues as Meredith would have a friend that's equally trainwreck-y, but it's just no fun for us. Also, we almost have a physical reaction to Sadie repeatedly calling Meredith "Death" in a professional context. If the sun should rise on a day that we become BFF with the President of the United States, we're not going to use our macabre BFF nicknames in front of the joint chiefs -- it's just common sense. Also, we second everything Olivia said about Denny/Izzie. Nobody loved Denny more than us (JDM, you are HOT), but this is starting to ruin it for us, and we feel betrayed. We can't even speak about it. We agree with Dr. Hunt: sometimes words fail.

Olivia-High: Callie gets some drugs. Listen, it’s been a hard couple of months for homegirl. Callie tells Sloan she’s been “married, betrayed, gay, abandoned, and I have no idea how I got here.” She needs a break. Unforch she gets one in the form of a broken nose. But the new and improved extra-sensitive Dr. Sloan dopes her up real good and at least she’ll get some rest. Hooray for sedatives! Also, how is it that Sara Ramirez still looks stunning in that nose splint thing? How? If we wore a nose splint we’d look like Muhammad Ali after a bad day in the ring. Okay, maybe Layla Ali after a real bad beat down, but still. In other love news, we love Dr Hunt acting like Christina’s redheaded army puppy. How cute is he: Sitting on her doorstep, waiting for her to get off work, then shyly confessing, “I think you’re beautiful.” Adorable. Admittedly, he’s got a little stalker in him, but still adorable.

Lindy-High: We have a few in quick succession: First, Christina finally telling Meredith where to get off her moral high horse. Thank you god, and Christina. We wish we could deliver that exact speech to the Merediths in our world, every day of our lives. Second, Alex getting all macho-protector on that intern who made a crack about Izzie. Izzie may be be taking a stroll through crazytown, but at least have Alex to light our way through the darkness. Finally, we don't want to jinx it, but we feel like Derek might possibly be on his way out of pouty-ville. Bringing Lexi home and making up a bed for her? That's the Derek we know and want around.

Second American Revolution On FX?

Jake Kalish — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 16:32:00 GMT

Not to be confused with the It's Always Sunny... 1776 flashback episode, also on FX. We think...

FX has announced it's developing AR2, described as a drama about of a group of Midwestern youths who spark a second American Revolution. The show will be set in present-day Michigan, where "corporations undermine the common man and the government is not interested in helping." So says Prison Break creator Paul Scheuring, who's working on the project with West Wing director Thomas Schlamme, who describes AR2 as a "cautionary tale." Reaaallllly.

Actually, we were searching, as always, for something snarky and snide to say about this, but it sort of sounds cool and might even be pertinent to the events of the day. So here's hoping the execution is as good as the concept. And that there's a recurring role somewhere for Joe The Plumber. That guy totally needs more airtime.

(See, we did it. Snarky and snide. BAM!)

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

ABC Breaks Our Heart, Destroys Our Wednesdays

Bryan Christian — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 15:48:00 GMT

Sorry, we kind of need a minute here. Talk amongst yourselves.

ABC Cancels 'Pushing Daisies,' 'Dirty Sexy Money' and 'Eli Stone' [BuddyTV]

"10 Things I Hate About You" TV Show: Already More Tragic Than "Eight Simple Rules..."?

Jake Kalish — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 15:31:00 GMT

ABC Family has just announced it's making a pilot based on 10 Things I Hate About You, the Heath Ledger/Julia Stiles flick that was itself a riff on The Taming Of The Shrew. Along with making us sad about Heath Ledger all over again, this news makes us ask one tiny question:

It took almost ten years to come up with an adaptation of 10 Things I Hate About You?

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

Either Kim Kardashian Just Wants Attention Or She And Reggie Bush Have A Reality Show

Jake Kalish — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 14:29:00 GMT

The Tush keeps coming. You can't get away from The Tush. We try!

Our favorite curvaceous reality star Kim Kardashian told reporters she might be interested in doing a Newlyweds-style TV show with her boyfriend, football player Reggie Bush. Of course, they're not married yet. Or even engaged. Run, Reggie, run! He can do the 40-yard dash in, like, 4.2 seconds, so he might be able to make it to another state by the time we finish this post. Oh, ladies, if you don't know what Reggie Bush looks like without a shirt on, this is for you:

Dude has muscles on top of his muscles. He looks exactly like the men who write for The Remote Island. If we were black. And worked out instead of watching television all the time. Actually, we feel kind of bad for Reggie - when he came into the NFL, he was supposed to be some kind of revolutionary best player ever - and while he's been all right, now he's mostly known as what's next to his girlfriend's fat bootie. It's like going from being Bob Marley to Rohan Marley. Oh. See, Rohan Marley was a star linebacker for The University of Miami, but he's known for being Bob Marley's son and then Lauryn Hill's main man and 5-time baby daddy. See, so the reference...we totally just referenced ourselves into a corner, didn't we?

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

Thanksgiving Night NFL Game Gives Families One Extra Opportunity Not To Talk

Jake Kalish — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 14:27:00 GMT

Hey you, you with that family you can't stand. You NEED to know this.

Traditionally, the Cowboys and Lions each have a Thanksgiving Day game, with one game starting at 12:30 and another following it at 4:15. Football fans welcome this tradition, as it gives them two very long opportunities to ignore their relatives. But this Turkey Day, there's also an 8:15 game between the Arizona Cardinals and the Philadelphia Eagles, on the NFL Network. That's right, over nine hours of football on one glorious, tryptophan-laden day for non-Time Warner subscribers. (And if you don't know about the baby fit/shitstorm that led to the NFL Network not being on Time Warner, um, here. and here)

Really, there's no need to acknowledge anyone this Thanksgiving. And who isn't thankful for that?

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

Happy People Don’t Watch Television?

Olivia Purnell — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 21:25:00 GMT

Leave it to the damn New York Times to crap all over our happy place, the TV screen.

The Times says:

Happy people spend a lot of time socializing, going to church and reading newspapers — but they don’t spend a lot of time watching television, a new study finds.

That’s what unhappy people do. (nytimes.com)

Although, The Times procures their supposed ‘data’ from a study performed by professor John Robinson of the University of Maryland, we would like to disagree with their findings.

We're happy. It’s not that we don’t enjoy newspapers and friendship, we just like television too. And TV brings us a few joys that reading, socializing, and churching do not.

Like this:

And this:

And definitely this:

Even the stills make us smile.

Piven-less "Cupid" Remake Sure Looks Like It Could Use Some Piven

Bryan Christian — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 20:33:00 GMT

So, we just caught the new trailer for ABC's reboot of Cupid, the fantasy comic romantic drama (can we squeeze ghosts in there too?) that's on ABC's midseason schedule, where, we presume, it will replace Boston Legal or some such thing. And that is the second incarnation of the show, the first having starred Paula Marshall and Jeremy Piven and having had a brief but celebrated run in 1998. And we have to say... the new version really could use some of whatever Piven's got.

And some Paula Marshall... sure. But really, as much as we like Paula Marshall then and today, she was pretty much the straightman catcher to Jeremy Piven's hyperactive, wildswinging pitcher on the original Cupid, which had a short but celebrated run way back in 1998.

And as much as we like Bobby Cannavale right now, we're just not sure that he can really sell the utter schlockiness of a show concerning a) a guy who claims to be a Greek god b) whose purpose is to make people get together and be all happy and crap the way Piven could.

See what you think, and get a peek of the original series, after the jump.

What do you say? Too heartwarming? That's what we think. Like, Piven had some genuine crazy in him in the original show. Cannavale has that Travolta quality, you know? Like, there's no chance at all that the guy's just crazy with a smile like that. Remote Ben gave us a peek a while back at the pilot of the original series, let's have a look and maybe you'll see what we mean.

PREVIOUSLY:
Midseason Madness: ABC Picks Up "Cupid" Remake, Four Other Series

[via James Hibberd at The Live Feed]

The Ultimate Fighter 8: Hugs All Around!

Bryan Christian — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 20:22:00 GMT

Don't be alarmed. This is a drawing. Nobody on TUF 8 actually looks this good. Yes, we could have posted a photo of John Polakowski (see inside), the star of this week's ep, but that would have been, well... Practical. And boring. And less eerie. This animated weirdo was too good to pass up. Plus, he heralds the theme of the show. Hugs! Hugs? Yes. Hugs... Ugh. (Note the sick anagram, yo! Wait... palindrome?)

Enough. Let's get down to biz.

Here's the aforementioned image of Polakowski:

John Polakowski -- ooh, pan down! -- is arguably the nicest man ever to step foot in the octagon. He is also chemically imbalanced. And, get this, a hug addict. "Hi, my name is John Polakowski, and I'm a hugaholic." Hi, John!

If there is any any irony to cull from this week, it is that Hugsy Malone here went up against lanky George Roop in a 2-round battle, and fought his bloody heart out. It should have gone 3 rounds, but, as Malcolm in the Middle's showrunner brilliantly reminded us on a weekly basis, life is unfair.

In short, John Polakowski lost to Roop in a decision. Whoops. Spoiler alert!!! Have it waiting on DVR? Sorry. Well, we just blew it for you. Did we mention, life is unfair?

If you know the outcome (all of you fit into this category now), but have not seen this week's show, just go ahead and fast forward to the fight. Slowing down to normal speed, of course, to watch the awesome gamer commercials (like the 2 minute cinematic promo for Shaun White Snowboarding, or the parkour masterpiece Mirror's Edge.) If you proceed as instructed, you will skip over 35 minutes worth of mano-y-mano embraces (that's 19 hugs at our count) doled out by John Polakowski. If, however, you're an unabashed hugger with time to kill, feel free to watch the entire episode in slow-motion. We did. To count the hugs. It was a pain in the ass.

The best hug of all was when the opening bell rung, and the two fighters embraced after touching gloves. We liked that one. A lot. Cute UFC moment. Well, cute until, in the cage, Roop and Hugaboo traded blows and some heavy-duty (for 2 skinny bitches, mind you) ground-n-pounding. Eventually Roop got Hugboat Annie's back, applied a body triangle, and rained down elbows upon his ribcage. Which can't feel good.

In the ep's closing minutes, UFC Prez Dana White, Nog, and Mir (with some input from the fighters themselves), picked the semi-final match-ups for both weight classes. They look ridic, so crack your knuckles, set your DVRs, and get ready to rumble! Oh, and please come back to Nerve for spoilers. We're counting on you.

See ya next time, TUFfies. All hugged out? We are.

-- James Cohen

PREVIOUSLY:
"The Ultimate Fighter 8": Punch-Drunk Lover
"The Ultimate Fighter 8": Ever Had A Bukkake Roll?
"The Ultimate Fighter 8": The Word Of The Day Is "Gogoplata"

"ANTM" Presents: Finale Thoughts

Lindy Parker — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 20:20:00 GMT

We'll say this about the Cycle 11 finale of America's Next Top Model -- the final runway was badass...

That said, we weren't that psyched on the final two. After Analeigh was eliminated, we found ourselves losing interest in the actual winner. Here's the thing, we really enjoy this show even with all Tyra's kookiness, but inevitably when it comes down to the finale, all our favorites have been eliminated. Guess it just goes to show, we should definitely not be casting models for anything -- we obviously don't know what we're looking for.

In the end, it was McKey who took the title...

...and, you know, we're for her and everything, but she has kind of a weird voice, no? Her haircut's fierce, but she always seems a little stoned to be honest. Regardless, despite the fact that Nigel referred to both girls as "linebacker-ish," McKey beat out the overly enthusiastic Samantha who, let's face it, was too much of a spaz to be America's Next Top Model. She took the news quite graciously, although we may have been distracted by the sight of McKey lifting Tyra off the ground.

Carla Bruni on Michelle Obama

Olivia Purnell — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 19:20:00 GMT

Michelle is simply fabulous. So fabulous that even the hot French First Lady/singer/songwriter/model Carla Bruni-Sarkozy (yes, that's her above, sensually snuggling a kitten) has to give Michelle props . . .

During her Wednesday Today Show appearance, Carla spoke to Matt Lauer about her admiration for Michelle. Carla said that:

She admired the way Michelle "was supporting her husband during the campaign" and described the 2008 presidential election as "fantastic. The whole world was thrilled about it. . . . France was extremely enthusiastic about it," says Bruni-Sarkozy. "I'm looking forward to meeting Michelle Obama. She looks like she's a great, strong, intelligent woman." (people.com)

So true! Strong, smart, supportive . . . and we've got the fist bump to prove it.

Stop Spitting On Each Other, Reality Stars!

Jake Kalish — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 19:05:00 GMT

So we're watching Top 100 Songs of The 90's on VH1 for the gazillionth time (Smells Like Teen Spirit, btw; what, ruined the suspense?) and on comes a promo for the next Rock of Love Charm School, airing Sunday at 9 Eastern. And on it, some young lady, clearly not fully processing her etiquette lessons, spits on another young lady. Impolite, and might be shocking - if it hadn't already happened on Flavor of Love (Pumpkin/New York) and on I Love New York 2 (Tailor Made/Mister Wise) So this is the third spitting incident on a VH1 reality show. Obviously, these shows perfectly reflect "reality" (Aw, who put quotes around that word?) but more cynical people than us might think producers had something to do with this. Or maybe the contestants themselves just know what'll get them attention. Whatever it is, stop. It's rude. Not to mention unhygenic. It's bad enough you use that mouth to kiss other VH1 reality show contestants.

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

"Friday Night Lights": You Don't Always Get What You Want. But Sometimes You Do.

Lindy Parker — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 18:20:00 GMT

This week everyone seems to have a fire lit under their collective asses and "making it happen" is the order of the day...

Tami discovers that her dream house has gone into foreclosure and is available at an extremely low price, but Coach Taylor's miffed that scary football mom foudn the house for Tami and fears the McCoy's are interfering in their life per usual. Tyra's got a big college interview the same weekend as one of Cash's rodeos, Coach Mac collapses on the field, and Matt and Julie tag team Coach Taylor to let Matt switch positions on the team, so there's a lot going on in the first five minutes.

Speaking of money, now that the Garrity house is sold, Jason's taking off for New York to find a job as a sports agent. This news prompts a good amount of confusion amongst his friends, especially Tim who's incredulous that anyone want to leave Texas. Hmmmm. To each his own. Despite their reservations, Tim and Herk accompany Jason to New York where they get themselves a taste of the big, bad city. They get Jason outfitted in a discount suit to boost his confidence and send him off to his interview.

Back at school, Buddy tries to convince Coach Taylor to replace Coach Mac with JD McCoy's personal quarterback coach, and we're immediately irritated because scary football dad and JD always make us want to put a finger down our throats. Coach Taylor feels the same way.

Jason gets his ass handed to him in the interview with the sports agency, but being a former nationally ranked quarterback we're confident that he can bounce back from defeat. Tim gives him a pep talk and tickets to Gypsy on Broadway and Jason's back in the game.

Meanwhile, Tyra's getting ready for an interview of her own and her mom is filling her head with talk of all the girl groupies throwing themselves at Cash at the rodeo. Apparently, cowboys on the rodeo circuit are quite similar to internationally famous rock stars. Obviously, this is exactly the kind of thing a mother should be talking about as her daughter's preparing to rock a college interview. Mrs. Collette totally sucks.

Speaking about sucking, scary football dad is just as slimy as ever, but the house scary football mom found is pretty awesome. Coach Taylor seems to be having a bit of a panic attack over their mortgage doubling. Can't say we blame him there (hello, debt!), but we also kind of wish we could live in the house.

Jason and Tim hatch a plan to score a star client for the sports agency firm to try and get Jason a job. Predictably, Jason's hell-a-persuasive.

Matt and Julie give it another shot to convince Coach Taylor to let Matt play wide receiver. Coach Taylor makes Matt leave the dinner table to run routes in the back yard. Matt runs the routes for his life and we kind of tear up. Life is hard in Texas. Matt deserves a break. He misses the last route, but Coach Taylor's impressed anyway.

Tyra's freaking out about college can't deal. She decides to ditch the whole operation and hit the rodeo circuit with Cash. We're very concerned.

Tami decides that the best way to revisit the house discussion is to wake Coach Taylor out of a dead sleep by shining the light in his face. Coach Taylor agrees if only because he's completely incoherent. The house is just as beautiful as it was the last time they saw it, and also, just as expensive. Ultimately, they decide that they can't afford the house, but they're rich in love so, you know, it's all good. The love carries Coach Taylor all the way to practice and he gives Matt a shot at wide receiver.

Jason lands the job at the sports agency in New York City and gets a cab to New Jersey to plead his case with Erin. Tim gives him a "no-matter-what-happens-you'll-always-be-my-best-friend" speech to calm his nerves. Jason sobs his way through laying it all on the line for Erin who's psyched to see him, and there's lots of crying and kissing, and we feel we just witnessed the greatest comeback ever. Don't scoff, my friend, there's nothing funny about the triumph of the human spirit.

Ed Westwick Might Have Convinced Us To Buy Some K-Swiss Shoes

Bryan Christian — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 17:29:00 GMT

If we were to, say, run out and buy some K-Swiss brand shoes, we'd pretty much look just like Chuck Bass here, right? Right?

Click through for a few more pics, courtesy of Just Jared.

“Dirty Sexy Money”: Girl Fight

Olivia Purnell — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 17:00:00 GMT

This week Nick George is caught in the middle of two love triangles, which, we guess, would make it one big love hexagon. Or a love VIN diagram. Or, possibly, it just makes for an all out hair-pulling, face scratching, earring ripping girl fight.

Let’s get into the dirty sexy details shall we?

Dirty Sexy Love Triangle Number 1:
Nick is having some marital issues with Lisa. They want to work it out blah, blah, blah, but the truth is he can’t choose between Lisa and Karen. Lisa finds out about Nick’s indecision, and confronts “skinny slut” Karen (her words, not ours . . . although if the skinny shoe fits . . .). Karen tells Lisa she’s not afraid to fight a fat girl (again, don’t shoot the messenger). And the two throw down in the Darling foyer.

Cut to the aftermath. Enter Jeremy Darling. The littlest Darling has always had a crush on Mrs. Lisa George. Lisa’s vulnerable. Jeremy’s willing and able. So, predictably, the two go at it on the couch in Lisa’s Gallery. Guess that makes this a love square, not a love triangle. A love rectangle, maybe?

Dirty Sexy Love Triangle Number 2:
Leticia Darling goes for a drunken drive one morning and hits a cyclist with her coup. Luckily Wren, our girl cyclist, was wearing a helmet so she’s only slightly concussed. Until she recovers fully, Wren gets to stay with the Darlings. She catches patriarch Tripp’s eye and ends up kissing Nick George on the balcony. What?!? Wren, we know you’ve recently experienced a trauma but after witnessing a crazy Nick-George-love-fueled fistfight in the foyer; you really want to stick your tongue down his throat?

The only person who seemed less crazy this episode was Lucy Liu. Apparently her character, Nola Lyons, isn’t truly a heartless power-hungry lady-shark. She wants to stop exploiting the Darlings, but Simon Elder has her little brother locked away somewhere, and is blackmailing her with her little bro’s whereabouts.

Which brings us to Simon Elder. Blair Underwood was officially named one of People’s Sexiest Men Alive this week. That calls for a little gratuitous Blair, don’t you think?

Dirty Sexy Blair. Loves it.

Next week, the prodigal twin Darling returns. That’s right, Dirty Sexy Samaire Armstrong is back.

Previously:

Dirty Sexy Samaire Armstrong
“Dirty Sexy Money” Lucy Liu Goes Down

"Family Guy Sings!" This Monday and Tuesday Night At Carnegie Hall

Jake Kalish — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 16:26:00 GMT

This Monday and Tuesday at Carnegie Hall, it's Family Guy Sings - live readings of two episodes and songs performed by a 40-piece orchestra. It's your chance to see Meg Griffin (nee Mila Kunis) up close -- and she's way better looking in person. The whole crew will be there -- Seths McFarlane and Green, Kunis, Alex Borstein. Now, Family Guy fans tend to be rabidly fanatical about the show, so maybe we're preaching to the choir here -- and you better be loco about Peter and Stewie if you plan to attend, 'cause with tickets from $39-$110, that ain't cheap. Even if a talking dog or evil baby came with your purchase.

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

Paris and Benji Split: Who Took Those Odds?

Lindy Parker — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 16:20:00 GMT

Okay hands up, who called nine months? If so, you're riskier gamblers than we are -- we lost this bet way back in March, but we don't mind so much because we're actually pretty impressed this oddly matched pair lasted this long. To be honest, we're not all that interested in their break-up, but we are kind of interested in this picture...

Just a couple of things. First, do you think Paris Hilton actually uses the phrase "blow up doll" as a directive when consulting with her stylist? Because that's what she looks like to us in this picture. A blow up doll in fingerless leather gloves. Second, why is Benji Madden wearing sunglasses inside. We're willing to let Lenny Kravitz get away with this kind of thing, but not a guy with a tattooed tear drop on his face (On second thought that might be his brother, but whatever, you get what we're saying).

"Top Chef": Whose House? Tom's House.

Lindy Parker — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 15:20:00 GMT

If we could've found a picture of Tom Colicchio raising one eyebrow to use for this post, we would've done it. We feel like that image would pretty much communicate the general feeling of this week's episode...

First the good news, two of our fantasy picks won this week's quick fire and elimination challenges respectively. The bad news is we traded both those picks last week. In the quick-fire, the chefs created hot dogs with a twist to be pitted against the classic NYC street dog. Radhika's Indian flavors and the "moistness" of her hot dog (we're not a hundred percent on what that means) won the day and she was safe from elimination, which turned out to be a good thing because her elimination challenge dish (an avocado mousse) put the judges in mind of guacamole with sugar.

The elimination challenge put the chefs to work in the kitchen of Tom Colicchio's NYC restaurant, Craft. Fabio came out on top with a beef carpaccio salad that involved adjusting the molecular structure of some olives and turning them egg yolk-esque.

Radhika and Fabio may have kicked some Top Chef ass this week, but we're not putting them back on the team. Fabio annoys us, and we think Radhika's hot dog triumph may have been a fluke. On the plus side, we got four points for Jamie and Carla being in the top 3, and also a point for Carla getting bleeped five times (she's going to be our moneymaker -- we so knew it!). We're not getting rid of Richard either (although Gene is waiting in the wings to take his spot); we feel like he's going to come from behind.

Overall, the judges seemed pretty negative about the overall quality of the dishes this week. We kind of felt bad inside. We don't like to disappoint Tom.

"Lost": New Season Five Promo Poster Clues Us Into HOLY CRAP What Is Happening To Sayid???

Bryan Christian — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 14:24:00 GMT

OK, well, here's the new promo poster for Lost: Season Five. Do we care? Sort of, it looks good and all. We see what's going on: people on the Island, the Oceanic Six and a very snappy looking Ben. Sure, fine, great.

More importantly, though, over on io9, there's this weird, inexplicable new promo for a British satellite service that has, um, Sayid, walking into this room, and then these big numbers turn into a bunch of crystals and start to, like, run all over his body... What in blue blazes is this supposed to mean?

Click through for the video.

Today on "Oprah": Brad Pitt's Mustache

Lindy Parker — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 22:20:00 GMT

Obviously, there are those few men who look almost impossibly good mustache -- Tom Selleck, Johnny Knoxville -- you know who we're talking about. However, we're pretty sure Brad Pitt's not one of them. We're willing to open it up for debate and consider other opinions. Perhaps it's the shaving of the sides of his head combined with the mustache that we find really unsettling. Feel free to weigh in on this issue below.

Here's a little preview video of the mustache in action...

Comfort TV For Hump Day: "Lidia's Family Table" And "Lidia's Italy"

Jake Kalish — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 21:31:00 GMT

Everybody has 'em: the shows that may not be the most exciting or dynamic, but that hold you in their warm cuddly blanket and rock you in their loving arms. For us, these are the two Public Television cooking shows hosted by Lidia Bastianich: Lidia's Family Table (aired from 2005-2007, repeats are on constantly on PBS) and Lidia's Italy, her current show. Bastianich is a Beard-Award winning chef, successful restauranteur, and doting mommy/grammy to food lovers. She's kind of the anti-Paula Deen -- no schtick, all talent.

So why is this show so calming? Maybe its the dim PBS lighting, or Lidia's confident, relaxed, understanding, and catch phrase-free demeanor. Maybe it's that her unpretentious, unsexy food always looks incredibly delicious, and that she seems to know exactly what she's doing. She's good -- as in chosen to cook for the Pope good. It was once said about Joe DiMaggio that "he never dove for a ball, because he never had to," the idea being: if he wasn't already in the right place, he always easily and gracefully got there. Lidia Bastianich is like that as a cooking host. And that level of competence and skill, combined with her warm, maternal manner, makes for extremely cozy television viewing.

Any other good ones out there?

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

"Grey's Anatomy" Creator Speaks Out About Offing Izzie

Lindy Parker — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 21:00:00 GMT

Hey, remember back in July when Remote Ben gave us the dish on the trouble brewing between Katherine Heigl and GA creator Shonda Rhimes over Izzie's dwindling screen time? Well, it seems that rumor is still alive and well getting people all hot and bothered, and the recent weirdness with a post-mortem Denny is adding more fuel to the fire. Are Katherine Heigl's days numbered on Grey's Anatomy?

Shonda Rhimes decided it's high time to set the record straight...

"I think the love triangle with Denny, Izzie, and Alex is among the most interesting we've ever done. Watching the chemistry between Jeffrey and Katherine again has been really touching. I can't wait for our viewers to see where we're taking it. But what it won't involve is Izzie having a brain tumor." -- Entertainment Weekly

Hmmmm. Guess Izzie will be with us for a while after all. Maybe Alex should fall in love with Denny too and make it a real love triangle. That would be good TV.

Lord of the Dance Gets a Reality Show

Lindy Parker — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 20:20:00 GMT

Question: Is Lord of the Dance still a thing? Do they still have a tour and stuff? Or are people over it? We feel like they must be because front man Michael Flatley seems to have nothing better to do than host a new NBC dance competition with what must be the worst title ever...

Superstar Dancers of the World. Seriously, that's what it's called. Predictably, this show is brought to us by the creators of American Idol, and So You Think You Can Dance who seem to have adopted a what's-good-for-the-goose-is-good-for-the-gander programing strategy. We presume Superstar Dancers of the World will have something to do with scouring the globe for the world's best dancers and then pitting them against each other in a series of themed challenges, but we don't even care because we can't bring ourselves to watch a show with that ridiculous of a title.