The Remote Island : Blair Underwood

“Dirty Sexy Money”: Down and Dirty

Olivia Purnell — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Okay, the Dirty drama escalated really quickly this week. Beginning with the Dirty dealings of one Lucy Liu.

Who doesn’t love it when Lucy Liu gets Dirty?

Luckily, Lucy got lots of facetime as the backstabbing tigress with a heart of gold. She wants to do what’s right, but she’s in Simon Elder’s clutches. She loves, and lusts after Jeremy Darling, but she can’t be with him because Simon’s holding her bro hostage. What to do, Nola Lyons, what to do? Basically she thrashes around in a pond of disaster whilst wearing a fierce white dress and flipping her gorgeous hair.

We’re okay with that.

Speaking of gorgeous. Simon is working overtime as the manipulative mastermind behind Nola’s evil deeds. We love that Simon Elder is an eco friendly villain. He’s like a demented Captain Planet. Captain Planet was the bomb dot com. So when, Blair Underwood growls:

“Do you have any idea what it would mean if I could manufacture a clean untoxic biofuel right here on an American soil?”

We get a chill on our skin and a smile in our heart. We want him to stop being such a Dirty Sexy Douche Bag, but at the same time . . . waita do what it takes to save the earth, Simon; Go Green!

In a Passions twist this week, Brian Darling makes a deal with God. He straight up goes to the church altar and says he’ll do anything if his baby’s mother survives her bout with cancer. Anything. Miraculously, she begins to recover. And sinner Brian returns to the priesthood. Even though he’s now married. Never mind the details, we guess.

The really big news though, is Patrick Darling’s inauguration as Senator. Everyone’s amped and ready for Patty to be sworn in, even Carmelita, Patrick’s favorite tranny might come. But then (dun-dun-Dun), Patrick’s dead wife’s brother shows up packing heat. Nick George tackle’s the crazy brother in law, but he’s overcome by the brother’s psycho strength. Shots are fired . . . and, scene! To be continued.

“Dirty Sexy Money:” Dirty Sexy Natalie

Olivia Purnell — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Up until now, we may have neglected Natalie Zea’s Dirty Sexy Charms . . . Let’s explore them shall we?

First of all, she’s hot:

Second, she’s actually kind of amazing as Karen Darling. In her role as bride-to-be, Natalie is the perfect swooning lovebird. Although who wouldn’t be convincing lying underneath Blair ‘Dirty Sexy’ Underwood (Blair, if you’re reading this, we’d be convincing).

Karen is rapidly becoming one of our favorite characters. She’s somehow calculating, and slightly naive, and desperately romantic, and funny. When little Jeremy Darling invites the recently separated Lisa George to the ill-fated wedding, Karen tells Nick:

“See ya at the We-Ding, Oh and don’t worry, I didn’t put Lisa at your table, cause I figured sitting next to your wife and her date could get kinda . . . Awk-ward, so”

Unforch, seating-chart awkwardness is not really the issue at her ceremony. The blissfully smitten Karen is traded by her delicious fiancé Simon Elder for ownership of Darling enterprises. Elder promises to leave Karen for a company worth over twenty million. Nick, Karen’s first love, breaks the news to her.

After questioning his involvement in bartering away her marriage (of course Nick was involved, homeboy is always involved), Karen bitch slaps Nick so hard we’re sure Peter Krause tasted palm for weeks after filming.

We. Love. Her. How have we overlooked dirty sexy Natalie for so long? Could be that she plays opposite Blair, and sometimes it’s hard to see past his dirty sexy everything.

Although, maybe we could slide the dirty sexy thigh back under the sheets, no?

“Dirty Sexy Money”: Girl Fight

Olivia Purnell — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 17:00:00 GMT

This week Nick George is caught in the middle of two love triangles, which, we guess, would make it one big love hexagon. Or a love VIN diagram. Or, possibly, it just makes for an all out hair-pulling, face scratching, earring ripping girl fight.

Let’s get into the dirty sexy details shall we?

Dirty Sexy Love Triangle Number 1:
Nick is having some marital issues with Lisa. They want to work it out blah, blah, blah, but the truth is he can’t choose between Lisa and Karen. Lisa finds out about Nick’s indecision, and confronts “skinny slut” Karen (her words, not ours . . . although if the skinny shoe fits . . .). Karen tells Lisa she’s not afraid to fight a fat girl (again, don’t shoot the messenger). And the two throw down in the Darling foyer.

Cut to the aftermath. Enter Jeremy Darling. The littlest Darling has always had a crush on Mrs. Lisa George. Lisa’s vulnerable. Jeremy’s willing and able. So, predictably, the two go at it on the couch in Lisa’s Gallery. Guess that makes this a love square, not a love triangle. A love rectangle, maybe?

Dirty Sexy Love Triangle Number 2:
Leticia Darling goes for a drunken drive one morning and hits a cyclist with her coup. Luckily Wren, our girl cyclist, was wearing a helmet so she’s only slightly concussed. Until she recovers fully, Wren gets to stay with the Darlings. She catches patriarch Tripp’s eye and ends up kissing Nick George on the balcony. What?!? Wren, we know you’ve recently experienced a trauma but after witnessing a crazy Nick-George-love-fueled fistfight in the foyer; you really want to stick your tongue down his throat?

The only person who seemed less crazy this episode was Lucy Liu. Apparently her character, Nola Lyons, isn’t truly a heartless power-hungry lady-shark. She wants to stop exploiting the Darlings, but Simon Elder has her little brother locked away somewhere, and is blackmailing her with her little bro’s whereabouts.

Which brings us to Simon Elder. Blair Underwood was officially named one of People’s Sexiest Men Alive this week. That calls for a little gratuitous Blair, don’t you think?

Dirty Sexy Blair. Loves it.

Next week, the prodigal twin Darling returns. That’s right, Dirty Sexy Samaire Armstrong is back.

Previously:

Dirty Sexy Samaire Armstrong
“Dirty Sexy Money” Lucy Liu Goes Down

Dirty Sexy Samaire Armstrong

Olivia Purnell — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 21:20:00 GMT

Samaire is coming back to Dirty Sexy Money. Although we’re sure she’s both dirty and sexy, we can’t decide if we’re glad to have her back . . .

You remember Samaire; she played the quirky girl character on The O.C., Anna (the prototype for Gossip Girl’s pretty outsider, Vanessa).

Recently she’d switched from quirky outsider to rich girl insider on Dirty Sexy Money, playing Juliet Darling, one of the hard-partying, hissy-fit throwing, high-society Darling twins. However Juliet’s been missing in action during season 2. Ever since Samaire was taken off contract last spring (ouch), her character Juliet has supposedly been off seeing the world. Now, though, Samaire's up to her old Dirty Sexy tricks, reuniting with the rest of the Darling family for a Thanksgiving episode (entertainmentweekly.com).

Is this really a good idea? Adding yet another character to a cast of 19,000 Darlings.

Don’t get us wrong, Samaire is adorable in that sprightly and slightly lispy way that makes you think of Tinkerbelle and puffed pastries. We love fairy dust and baked goods. But, the cast is fairly loaded as is, and we’re just not sure if we can absorb any more storylines. They’ve already got Lucy Liu, Peter Krause, Donald Sutherland, Blair Underwood, and a Baldwin on the roster for gosh sakes. Isn’t there such a thing as too much dirty sexiness or too much sexy dirtiness? There might be.

Here’s hoping their Tofurkey Day ep will change our mind.

Previously:

"Dirty Sexy Money": Lucy Liu Goes Down

Olivia Purnell — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Lucy Liu’s character, prosecutor Nola Lyons, gets caught with her pants down this week. . .

As we know, Lady Liu is simultaneously prosecuting Leticia Darling for murder and banging the defendant’s youngest son, Jeremy Darling. Of course, Nick George finds out about her extra-curricular activities and persuades Jeremy to kiss and tell all about their steamy affair in a sworn affidavit. The case against Tish is thrown out and Nola may be disbarred.

Turns out J. Darling and Leticia Darling planned to trap Lucy all along. And, like a good son, Jeremy stuck to the plan, throwing Nola directly under the bus in order to absolve his mommy. In a twisted way, it was the right thing to do. But he’ll never get to do twisted things with Lucy Liu again. Would you have made the same decision?

We thought not.

But, Jeremy’s betrayal isn’t the end of Nola Lyons. The disgraced prosecutor comes back swinging. She somehow convinces freshman Senator Patrick Darling that he needs her to be his Chief of Staff/pit bull. Gotta say, Patrick has a little George W. in him. Just a touch. He’s intelligent, but every now and then he has that wide-eyed fumble that reminds us of the last eight years. In a W move, Patty hires Nola. And just like that, Lucy Liu is back on top.

Now, time for the big reveal: Guess who Nola Lyons is truly in bed with? Nope, not triple-agent J. Darling (poor love-struck double-agent Jeremy). Nope, not Karen Darling or Lisa George, although that would make for interesting television. . . Nola is in cahoots with Simon Elder. Yes! The two of them are plotting some sort of evil take-over of the Darling empire. Bring it. Bring the Dirty Sexy Coup D’etat.

Side note: Can you imagine the Dirty Sexy children that Blair Underwood and Lucy Liu would produce? Not to mention the Dirty Sexy . . . sex.

“Dirty Sexy Money”: Pimping Ain’t Easy

Olivia Purnell — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 17:00:00 GMT

This week's episode is all about pimping. Almost every female character gets played (proper pronunciation: pliz-ayed) this week. The dashing patriarch, Tripp Darling, is usually the master manipulator. But, Simon Elder, the uber-handsome Blair Underwood, is gunning for Tripp Darling’s throne.

We’ll tell you all about it. But first, this recap needs a visual aid. Can we get some additional photographic evidence of Blair Underwood’s hotness? . . .

That’s better.

We understand why Karen Darling is so susceptible to Simon Elder’s charms. Just look at Blair. Look at him. But not too long, we don’t want drool all over your keyboard. That’s right, wipe your chin, scroll down, read the words. Mmm-hmm.

However delicious Simon Elder may be, the intensity with which Karen is getting used is a little mind-boggling. We know that you’re in love/lust, but Karen, girl, you’ve been married five times. Five. And now you’re dating your father’s arch-enemy, nemesis, rival-guy, and you don’t think he’s after your stock in the family company? Really? It’s a good thing you’re so pretty, 'cause smart clearly is not your thing.

Speaking of dumb, Nick George slips further and further down the Darling rabbit hole. He pays off Ellen Darling’s brother to keep quiet about the scandal surrounding her untimely death, after skipping out on marriage counseling to help Brian Darling work out a custody arrangement.

Lisa George, for her part, dives deep into the Darling drama, getting pimped (almost as hard as Karen) by Jeremy Darling. Although Jeremy has failed to persuade Lisa into his bed in the past, this week, the littlest Darling finally succeeds seducing her. He persuades Mrs. George to lie to her husband and go into business with him.

On that note, can someone please tell us why the Georges are still together? Nick is becoming a total absentee hubby/father, and whiny Lisa insinuates that he’s not even sexing her on the regular. They used to be all over each other. It doesn’t even seem like these two like each other anymore (disaffection courtesy of the soul-sucking Darlings).

Another couple gets worked-over Darling-style this ep: Patrick Darling, and his M to F lady love, Carmelita. Tripp Darling tells Carmie the truth about Ellen’s unfortunate end and the subsequent cover-up so that Carmelita will leave Patrick. Tripp’s manipulation works (T. Darling is ever so skilled in the ways of pimping), but Patty goes ballistic. In the face of Patrick’s understandable rage, Tripp has a heart attack. Chest clutching, dropping to the floor, eyes rolling back, the whole nine yards.

Listen, nobody said pimping was easy.