The Remote Island : Bret Michaels

Collision Course: "Rock of Love Bus" Drives Adult Entertainment Into the Mainstream

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 04:01:00 GMT

By Steve Almond

During an early episode of Rock of Love Bus (RoLB), the latest installment of VH1’s reality-TV franchise, the former Poison front man Bret Michaels takes four of his prospective soul mates on a "special date" — to a strip club called Big Al’s.

The girls are hooted onstage to perform, but one of them, Beverly, refuses to shake her moneymaker for the assembled mob. A confused Bret takes Beverly aside to find out what’s wrong. "I’ve got three kids at home and honestly I’m worried about what their friends are going to see," she tells him.

As the father of two daughters, Bret assures Beverly that he understands. To the TV audience, he takes a slightly different tack. "I’m not asking her to do anything she doesn’t wanna do," he explains earnestly, "but right now, I gotta be honest: she’s being a little bit of a buzz kill."

Those unfamiliar with the charms of RoLB — whose finale airs this Sunday, April 11, on VH1 — might expect this to be the moral nadir of the episode. They would be wrong.

A few minutes later, we are treated to an interview with another of his dates, a troubled soul named Brittaney. "I’m not ashamed that I was a producer and director of porn. What I did was, you know, empower women," she informs us, apropos of nothing. "It’s not that I’m ashamed of my past," she adds, her voice now cracking. "But it’s in the past and now I’m a different person. I want to have a family."

The images being flashed on-screen during this heartfelt confession include a drunken Brittaney writhing on her back and simulating sex acts with another stripper. Ah, the rituals of courtship on VH1! You must expose your heart and your labia.

But I bring all this up not simply to deride the molten and shameless exploitation of the reality-TV genre. That's pretty much its bread and butter. No, what fascinates me about this season's RoLB is that it has shattered the barrier between mainstream television and the porn industry.

I should preface this by noting that I've watched all three editions of Rock of Love, online no less. (I could blame this on my wife, who watches the program religiously. The truth, as we shall see, is more damning.)

Some quick context, then. The inaugural season of Rock of Love offered the sort-of-believable-for-reality-TV premise that Bret Michaels — one-time heavy metal heartthrob turned middle-aged hair-extender — was looking for true love. VH1 rounded up twenty-five women, put them in a mansion with free booze, and let the cameras roll. Back in those innocent days, the "bad girl" was Heather — a professional stripper! She lost out in the end to designated "good girl" Jess.

This is how the producers tend to orchestrate things on RoL. They set up showdowns between "good girls" (who don't work in the sex industry) and "bad girls" (who do). Bret chooses the "good girl" in the end, which helps foster the illusion — so crucial to the entire reality-TV genre — that the star is truly seeking love, rather than pimping a sagging career.

This illusion has been tossed out the window on RoLB. Bret mouths a few platitudes about "getting to know" the girls, as he kisses and gropes and beds them. But there's no real feeling on the show. It is, in this sense, eerily like a porn film. This should come as no great surprise, given that nearly half of this season's cast are sex workers. Here's how sad it is: when the insufferable Taya claims, "I'm a centerfold model for Penthouse, and I'm the classiest one here," she's right.

Of course, shows like RoL are designed to bring out the worst in people. But this year's version, lacking even a hint of eroticism, has relied on physical and emotional violence for drama. The highlight of most episodes is a physical altercation between two women, which is replayed a minimum of six times, usually in slow motion. In this sense, the program has managed to channel the dark heart of most hetero porn, which is not about the pleasures of physical congress, but the sexual humiliation of women. RoLB — along with its skeezy brethren — offers viewers the inherent sadism of porn, minus the stigma. Instead of watching young, emotionally unstable women straddling cocks, we watch them digging through dumpsters, writhing in mud, punching each other, and vomiting in hotel rooms. Think of it as spiritual bukkake.

For years, of course, the adult industry has been looking for ways to infiltrate mainstream culture, where the big advertising dollars are. Reality TV has simply proved the best available beachhead. Not only has it become a developmental league for porn stars — several RoL alums have used their platform to venture into porn — but producers have been quick to pounce on ideas that exploit the allure of porn. Perhaps the most brazen example is My Bare Lady, a British show in which four porn stars are given formal training for the stage and forced to compete.

But just as reality TV has embraced the tropes of porn, so, too, has porn sought a reality makeover. Gone are the stilted scripts and nurse costumes. For some years now, porn's been dominated by low-budget "gonzo" productions, in which the idea is to stage sex scenes as if they were being conducted spontaneously by "amateurs" — that guy in the van who just happens to roll with his camera man, and that anorexic chick in the parking lot who just happens to have breasts the size of small babies and no gag reflex. Even the Adult Video News has had to acknowledge the rise of reality porn, by adding two new categories to its annual awards: Best Amateur Tape and Best Amateur Series.

There are two questions looming over all this. The first is why women like my wife watch shows that are so degrading to women. I could tender a bunch of excuses here. (Noting, for instance, that my wife is a former hair-metal chick.) But the truth is a bit darker. I think women are reacting to the pornification of the culture at large, the absurd and enraging pressure women feel to disfigure their bodies — via surgery or starvation — for approval. And the growing sense that their only cultural power resides in their sexuality.

When my wife watches RoLB, most of what she feels is a kind of gratifying disgust. She enjoys watching the contestants claw at each other and weep on camera. They represent the most degraded aspects of our culture — and of herself.

The irony, of course, is that she’s just feeding the beast. As the message boards fill up mostly female viewers railing against the female contestants, it's the producers and advertisers (oh, and Bret of course) who are laughing all the way to the bank. With very little overhead or imagination, and an almost impressive absence of human decency, they've managed to create the hottest girl-on-girl action around.

But what about me, Mr. Judgmental. Why, given my obvious contempt for RoL, do I watch the show? My motivation is even sadder, frankly. It’s certainly not for the sexual turn-on. No, what I get off on is the fantasy of absolute masculine dominion. Lame as he might be, Bret Michaels has a harem of women who will do whatever he asks.

Reality TV producers like to claim that they’re peddling the dream of "true love." But for male viewers, they’re peddling the ultimate porno fairytale, a world in which women exist merely to debase themselves for their man. If they had any guts they’d cut the bullshit and just go all the way. Here’s what I’d like to see: a show called "American Porn Star," in which women (and men!) compete for a contract with Vivid Video by performing sex acts for celebrity judges and viewers at home. I might feel guilty watching such a show, but at least I’d be getting off on sex, rather than hate.

Previously:

Raven Williams of "Rock of Love": So What, I did a Porno
STD Sunday: The "Rock of Love" Final Four Are Boring And Weird
STD Sunday: Reunions, Punches, and Loogies!
STD Sunday: A Baked Vagina Is Just The Icing On The Cake
STD Sunday: Bret's Girls Can't Stop Being Slutty, Whorish, Or Speed Bumpy
Rock of Love 2's Daisy: Sore Loser, Hot Mess
Rock of Love 3: Get On the Rock of Love Bus
Bret Michaels Not Involved in Fatal Car Crash -- Just So Everyone's Clear
Bret Michaels Wonders How The Hell You Wear A Seatbelt In A Hot Tub

STD Sunday: The "Rock of Love" Final Four Are Boring And Weird

Chenda Ngak — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 15:17:00 GMT

Hey, you ever noticed how hard it is to tell when Bret Michaels is having fun? He's got that waxy, worked-on face. It never betrays anything other than "I'm Bret Michaels." Well, we sort of had the same face last night. Oh, that happened, and then that happened? Huh. OK. Whatevs.

The final four girls go to the Universal Studios in Orlando, FL, where Mindy has an emotional breakdown in the hotel room with the other girls because the competition for Bret's heart is getting too hard. So...wait...these girls still think that Bret is looking for love?

The girls have to write and perform a song to win Bret's heart. Beverly and Taya do a pretty good job, while the other two were like bad karaoke. Taya wins, but Bret decides to let the runner-up, Beverly, join them -- most likely because Taya is really boring.

Bret flies the girls to Gonzales, TX to attend the Gonzales Thunder Rally Music Festival, where he has a gig. That was pretty uneventful. Never thought we'd miss the blondtourage. Instead of trying to seduce Bret on the trip, Beverly asks him to sign teddy bears for her daughters. Um, weird much?

Bret cooks the girls breakfast and they all dish on the girl-on-girl drama. Taya and Mindy has minor gripes with each other that are nowhere near as cool as passing out on a speed bump or spitting a loogie at Heather.

In the end, he sends Beverly home because she's more groupie than girlfriend. We're also guessing it's also because of her anger issues, her masculinity, and reluctance to show him affection. This leaves one groupie (Jamie), one shameless self-promoter (Taya), and one somewhat normal, yet annoying girl (Mindy), which we think puts this in serious danger of becoming Lipstick Jungle with fake tits. Yay?

PREVIOUSLY:

STD Sunday: Tiny Tool Wins, Matsu-flex Finally Gets Laid

STD Sunday: Bret's Girls Can't Stop Being Slutty, Whorish, Or Speed Bumpy

STD Sunday: A Baked Vagina Is Just The Icing On The Cake

Bret Michaels Wonders How The Hell You Wear A Seatbelt In A Hot Tub

Jake Kalish — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 18:11:00 GMT

Look at him. He's confused. And his hat is on fire...

Bret Michaels was reportedly "frolicking" (emphasis on the last two syllables) in a limo hot tub with three foxy (or at least surgically enhanced) ladies. (Scroll down in the link for the story, kids - you got to work for the good stuff, as Botox Michaels and his Plastic Princesses well know)

So Michaels is in his limo hot tub, 'cause who isn't, when the cops pull him over for not wearing a seatbelt. How the hell you gonna wear a seatbelt in a hot tub? Besides, the fake breasts in his face surely would have saved him if the limo crashed.

Although, note to selves...perhaps money can be made on designer limo hot tub seatbelts. And that's why the terrorists hate us.

PREVIOUSLY:

Rock Of Love 3: Get On The Rock Of Love Bus

Bret Michaels Not Involved In Fatal Car Crash, Just So Everyone's Clear

Sharon Osbourne Is So Full Of "Charm" She's Attacking Reality Show Contestants

Jake Kalish — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 15:28:00 GMT

This is too good. First off -- holy crap, when did Sharon Osbourne give everyone a nipple slip for free and no one told us???

Second: Mrs. Osbourne, who is supposed to be teaching the spit-happy skanks of Rock of Love Charm School some manners, has reportedly attacked one of the show's contestants. According to TMZ.com, all hell broke loose when Osbourne criticized Megan Houserman - and Houserman responded that Sharon is only famous for managing a brain-dead rock star.

May we remind you: this is from someone rejected from a show where the ultimate goal is sleeping with Bret Michaels.

Sharon apparently grabbed Houserman by the hair and refused to let go. Didn't this Fair Lady in training ever watch The Osbournes? If she had, she'd have known not to mess with Sharon Osbourne.

None of this, incidentally, will be found in any etiquette book.

PREVIOUSLY:
Stop Spitting On Each Other, Reality Stars!
Bret Michaels Not Involved in Fatal Car Crash -- Just So Everyone's Clear
Let's Go Visit Reality-TV School!

Stop Spitting On Each Other, Reality Stars!

Jake Kalish — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 19:05:00 GMT

So we're watching Top 100 Songs of The 90's on VH1 for the gazillionth time (Smells Like Teen Spirit, btw; what, ruined the suspense?) and on comes a promo for the next Rock of Love Charm School, airing Sunday at 9 Eastern. And on it, some young lady, clearly not fully processing her etiquette lessons, spits on another young lady. Impolite, and might be shocking - if it hadn't already happened on Flavor of Love (Pumpkin/New York) and on I Love New York 2 (Tailor Made/Mister Wise) So this is the third spitting incident on a VH1 reality show. Obviously, these shows perfectly reflect "reality" (Aw, who put quotes around that word?) but more cynical people than us might think producers had something to do with this. Or maybe the contestants themselves just know what'll get them attention. Whatever it is, stop. It's rude. Not to mention unhygenic. It's bad enough you use that mouth to kiss other VH1 reality show contestants.

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

Bret Michaels Not Involved in Fatal Car Crash -- Just So Everyone's Clear

Lindy Parker — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 18:20:00 GMT

Apparently, the facts are these: One of the crew members from Vh1's Rock of Love Tour Bus, fell asleep at the wheel, crossed over the median on the interstate and hit two cars, injuring two passengers and killing two others. This is obviously, horribly tragic. Here's what's weird though:

A couple of clips from Vh1's statement:

"The crew member, who is not an associate of Bret Michaels or part of his tour staff, was traveling alone to the next location stop for the series."
"Traveling separately, Mr. Michaels had left Illinois early Friday morning and was not near the scene of the accident."
“'As a father of two, I cannot even imagine what the families must be going through at this time. I will make every attempt to reach out to them to let them know that my heart and prayers are with them during their time of grief,' said Michaels in a statement. "

Meanwhile, the Chicago Tribune seems skeptical about Michaels' sincerity:

"Michaels, lead singer of the glam rock band Poison, asked that "his participation in the series be temporarily suspended in deepest sympathy as he attempts to reach out" to the victims' families, said a VH1 statement.

Robinson said neither Michaels nor anyone at VH1 had contacted the family. "

Is it not odd that Vh1 is a) so vague about the specifics of the incident and b) so ADAMANT that Bret Michaels wasn't involved, was nowhere near the scene, and may not even know the guy? Does anyone really care about Bret Michaels and what he was or was not doing when two people died? We're just saying, if our daughter/sister/friend was killed in a car accident with a TV show's crew truck, would we care if Bret Michaels called to tell us how sorry he was? We're thinking no.

Let's Go Visit Reality-TV School!

Ben Kallen — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 18:55:00 GMT

Yes, there is such a place. For just $139, the New York Reality TV School will teach you to be a more confident, exciting version of your boring ol' self, just so you can date a bachelor, survive on an island, suck up to Donald Trump, or get drunk and screw in an urban apartment.

The Today Show just visited this fine educational institution, and found a wide variety of actors and everyday famewhores looking to discover the magic formula for getting cast as a "real person" on one of these programs. (Our advice, free of charge: Be hot!)

So would you really want to spend money, and three hours of your precious time, to improve your chances of sleeping with Bret Michaels or Tila Tequila? Watch the video to find out.

Previously:
Joe, No! What Ever Happened to "Joe Schmo" and "Joe Millionaire"?
Top 7 Reality-Show Contestants Who Weren't There To Make Friends

Rock of Love 3: Get On the Rock of Love Bus

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 13:32:00 GMT

Nothing airbrushed here, folks…

In utterly shocking news, Rock of Love 2 “winner” Ambre Lake and Bret Michaels didn’t make it work. He’s too busy, see, for a relationship. Touring, and not a fear of intimacy with a woman anywhere near his age, keep him from making a true commitment. But VH1 has found the perfect solution: don’t take Bret away from his madcap, rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle. Bring the ladies to the lifestyle!

And thus we have “Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels.” Because the only thing sexier than fame-whoring VH1 contestants drunk in a McMansion, is fame-whoring VH1 contestants drunk on a tour bus. We can smell it now! And, yes, we’re excited.

“Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels takes contestants out of the mansion and on the road in true rock star style. This season will feature all-new ladies vying for Bret’s affection while traveling across America following Bret on a month-long tour. The contestants will face new challenges to see if they can handle the rock star life on the road,” explains the VH1 press release.

“This time as the bus pulls into each new city, the girls will engage in challenges specifically revolving around Bret’s life on the road. Whether it’s greeting aggressive groupies with a smile, enduring grueling schedules, dodging the advances of the warm-up band or even stepping in last-minute to fill in for delinquent roadies – these girls will be put to the test. This season, as the Rock of Love Bus heads into America’s heartland, the show will be taking the viewer to a whole new level with crazy, fun, over-the-top challenges- imagine Truck Stop Olympics or a dance contest on top of the St. Louis Arch or even a BBQ cook-off beneath the World’s Largest Thermometer. And also, back by popular demand…Mud Bowl 3. Americana at it’s finest!”

Indeed.

Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels is scheduled to premiere in early 2009. Get your bandanas ready!

Previously:
Rock of Love 2's Daisy: Sore Loser, Hot Mess

Rock of Love 2's Daisy: Sore Loser, Hot Mess

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Oh, Daisy de la Hoya. Booted off Rock of Love 2 and still causing trouble. TMZ’s always-classy cameras caught the young, um, “star” and a friend outside a nightclub. When asked if Brett was still dating Rock of Love winner Ambre, Daisy seemed to say they weren’t. Or they were. Or she doesn’t quite remember who Ambre is...

But in this video she did say she and Brett had been hanging out recently, and “we weren’t talking.” (Then again, who would want to talk with her, anyway?) Um, scandal? If you care? See the enlightening video here.

[TV Squad and TMZ]