The Remote Island : Burn Notice

Wake Up And Smile: Obama Did Not Actually Get "Knight Rider" Cancelled

Bryan Christian — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 13:30:00 GMT

Here we thought the guy was really doing something to lift the country's spirits, but no, it's just Gawker cracking a joke. Ah well. We still got the 411 on what Obama is really up to that will impact your TV habits, plus the latest on South Park, Psych, Burn Notice, Monk, what John Cleese thinks of Sean Hannity (guess), the most important gal on Two and a Half Men, and the fifty-million-yen Bruce Lee documentary.

-- So, back to that Gawker misunderstanding. There is, actually, a story behind it: Barack Obama has purchased half-an-hour on CBS (and possibly on other networks as well) for a final appeal to the voters of our nation October 29th. Word around NBC is if it does well, Ben Silverman is willing to give Obama a 12-episode fall replacement series, script unseen.

-- Did South Park go to far with all the weird Indiana Jones rape scenes in their season premiere? Yeah, we kind of think they did -- particularly since they did it in the service of a point they made years ago.

-- USA is renewing both Psych and Burn Notice -- but are cagey about another series of Monk.

-- Keith Olbermann had the pleasure of reading a poem about Sean Hannity by none other than The Minister of Silly Walks himself, John Cleese. The nicest line is probably "Plump as a manatee." [via CC Insider]

-- Every time underappreciated actors get a moment of due in this world, we are pleased as punch. Last week, it was Holland Taylor, who plays the domineering object of Oedipal confusion on the bawdy if generally useless Two and a Half Men. We loved you back when you were hanging out with those other men, Holland, good on ya!

-- And finally, kids, if you're a Bruce Lee fan, get ready to start scouring Not Available on DVD for all fifty hours of the fifty million yen documentary series on the late kung fu legend, produced by the Chinese government and starting this Sunday night. By the way, fifty million yen comes out to around 7 million bucks, and as Dave Itzkoff of the New York Times notes, the running time of this series offers 1.5 hours of documentary for each year of Lee's life. So maybe the first 5 episodes or so are skippable?

Charlie Sheen Makes Way More Money Than You Do

Ben Kallen — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 15:25:00 GMT

TV Guide has just come out with its annual survey of the top earners on television. And guess what? In case you didn't know it already, you're in the wrong profession.

Charlie Sheen tops the list as the highest-paid actor in a series -- Denise Richards' ex pulls in $825,000 per episode for Two and a Half Men, in which he has an ownership stake. Yes, that's for dick jokes. And fart jokes. And, yes, the kid's funnier.

That's followed by CSI's William Petersen, who makes $600,000 per episode (just when he's planning to leave the show -- guess you can have enough money), 24's Kiefer Sutherland at $500,000 (hey, torture-boy earns it), and Law & Order: SVU's talented Mariska Hargitay at $400,000. And after two decades of service, the voice actors on The Simpsons now make $400,000 per episode each -- so you'd better keep watching the ads if you want Fox to continue making new ones.

At the bottom of the list is Burn Notice's poor Jeffrey Donovan at $55,000 per -- darn cable! Even The Hills' Lauren Conrad makes more than that, $75,000 per episode, for doing whatever the heck it is she does.

But while that all may seem like a lot, it's peacock feed compared to the incomes of multitasking hosts, many of whom produce their own shows. Oprah Winfrey's company reportedly took in $385 million last year -- she could buy her own country if she didn't already run this one. Simon Cowell makes $50 million annually for pushing Coke on American Idol. Meanwhile, David Letterman makes $32 million annually (though a lot of that reportedly is spent on the show), with Jay Leno following closely behind at $27 mil. But wee Craig Ferguson gets by on just $2.5 million annually -- no wonder he keeps recycling the same Michael Caine and Prince Charles impressions over and over.

Oh, and Miley Cyrus took in $25 million for both acting and singing last year. But don't worry, she'll probably manage to earn some real money when she turns 16.

Image: CBS

Previously:
Emmy Nominations -- A Complete-ish List
Billionaire Tycoon Oprah Winfrey Advises College Grads That Money Isn't Everything

Top Ten Reasons To Bring Back Tom Selleck As "Magnum P.I."

Bryan Christian — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 21:23:00 GMT

It's time to bring back everyone's favorite island investigator. Meet us after the jump for our reasons why.

1. 'Cause everyone else is already doing it...

As we mentioned the other day, Burn Notice is kind of like Magnum crossed with MacGyver. And those two shows share a similar structure to many many other shows today: stranger comes into quirky main character's life and asks for help; main character helps out and solves a crime; bad guys get locked up; stranger and main character part ways, leaving main character to his many personal quirks. See what we mean? Heck, forget Burn Notice! You got your Monks there, and your Psychs, and a few CBS shows, including the freaking Ghost Whisperer. Sure, we could go one step further back and say "Well, they're all children of Rockford, aren't they." And yeah, they are. But you think David Chase is gonna put any of that Sopranos money into putting James Garner into a Pontiac Firebird again? Seems unlikely. On the other hand, Donald P. Bellisario, the creator of Magnum, maintains an active relationship with CBS to this day, producing police and investigation dramas like NCIS and many others, and we just know he'd be up for it Tom Selleck was. Which brings us to...

2. ... but no one's doing it with Tom Selleck.

We remember exactly the moment we realized Tom Selleck was the bomb. Sure, we always knew that he could action it up, and looked good without a shirt and stuff, but that moment for us was when he was on Friends, and we were like "Hang on; he's handsome and he can do comedy and he doesn't seem out of place with people 20 years younger than him?" And he didn't. Put it this way: CBS spent 5 years making us think Don Johnson wasn't a grody old drunk with Nash Bridges. Think of what they could do with Tom Selleck at it again! Plus, wouldn't he like to take a little break from playing self-destructive gumshoe Jesse Stone?

3. 'Cause mustaches need to come back.

OK, maybe we're partial, but really: it's time for real mustaches to return. Not little hipster ones, we're talking about here, but big ones. Manly ones. The kind that would jump off a face, rub themselves down with shoe polish, sneak into a lagoon hideaway and un-kidnap a beautiful island princess. Exactly the kind worn by Thomas Goddamn Magnum.

4. 'Cause if you think about it, Thomas Magnum is pretty much The Big Lebowski's The Dude for Republicans.

You don't believe us? You got your white guy sports enthusiast of indeterminate income and perhaps-overly-eventful Nixon-era biography, hanging out in sunny climes and bumping into people in trouble, helping them shambolically out of their jams with the assistance of their wacky friends, and then moseying on along with their lives. Huh? Right? They're basically the same guy. We couldn't make this stuff up, people! Don't right-wingers deserve a Dude too?

5. Because others have already kind of done it but not all the way.

Supporting characters RIck and TC appeared on Las Vegas a few years ago -- yes, after Tom Selleck had replaced James Caan. OK, so, they weren't exactly the same guys. But they had similar names, similar professions, and were played by the same cats, so basically they were thinly veiled versions of the original guys hanging around Tom Selleck. Subtle, right? And there have been a couple other Magnum references on Las Vegas as well...

... but come on! Did they go all the way with it? No. Sadly, they kept to their 90210 in a casino schtick -- which, we admit, we kind of loved, but it ain't no Magnum. So, maybe it's time for the real deal?

6. Because it probably means we'd get a Quantum Leap revival too.

Among the other programs that Mr. Bellisario has been responsible for over the years was the '90's time-travel drama Quantum Leap. In fact, at one point, a crossover episode was planned with Leap star Scott Bakula jumping into Magnum's body and giving his trademark eyebrow-raise thingy -- but the footage was never used. Now, as some of you may know, Bakula's character Sam Beckett (nerd spoiler alert!) never found his way home in the final episode of the Leap. Maybe after we check in with Magnum, we can get Sam some closure too?

7. Because a successful TV revival will hopefully put an ixnay on the inevitably bloated, shamefully unfunny Hollywood version.

According to Wikipedia, "it was reported Matthew McConaughey would play Magnum, with Steve Zahn as Rick, Tyrese Gibson as T.C., and William H. Macy as Higgins in an adaptation "to be released in 2009." Now, that was supposed to be written and directed by the guy that did Dodgeball, which, you know, fat chance now. But still: a successful reboot of the original series would probably go a long way towards inoculating it from the satirical eye of whatever Stiller/Apatow acolytes might come a'sniffin'.

8. Because we'd like to see Thomas Magnum get right with what happened to him in Vietnam.

Even just a little! Magnum thought that his wife had died during the final pullout in VIetnam. Now that relations with Vietnam are fairly good, and guys formerly stationed there revisit the country fairly often, it'd be great to see him tackle something similar. We're not asking for much here: no evil twin sister that pops out of the woodwork or anything. Just, you know, a little scene of him playing with kids on the beach, and someone going "Hey, where's that," and he goes "Nha Trang. It's still beautiful," and that's it. Little moments, you know?

9. Because Lost ain't gonna film forever.

Did you guys know that Magnum PI was created in part because CBS still had a bunch of filming facilities on the island of Oahu following the run of Hawaii-Five-O? When Jack and the rest of the castaways on Lost finally burn through their planned hundred-episode arc in a couple years, are you gonna let Hawaii go show-less? We didn't think so. Another possible Lost connection: Lost producer Carlton Cuse created Nash Bridges and The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. before hitting it big on The Island. You see where we're going here? Nash Bridges + Brisco County Jr. + Hawaii + Tom Selleck = STELLAR!!!

10. Because, dude, seriously: Tom Selleck is the shit.

He's still got it! Check him out, he grows avocadoes and had permission from his wife to have "coffee" with Sophia Loren! WIN!

"Burn Notice" Season Two Premiere: The Text Message Review

Bryan Christian — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 15:29:00 GMT

And now the latest in what intelligence experts assure us will someday by blowing our cover and stranding us in warmer climes (hooray!): text message reviews of new and returning tv shows. After the jump, this week's review of Burn Notice, USA's buzz-heavy Magnum P.I./MacGyver/CSI Miami/Jason Bourne mashup.

brn ntc? ok, but NOT ENUF 6! we wuz robbed!

Hey "Burn Notice" Fans, What The Hell Are You Doing At Work?

Bryan Christian — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 16:32:00 GMT

Just so's ya know, USA's in the middle of their big Burn Notice marathon right now, leading up to the Season Two premiere tonight at 10pm EST. We gave this show a miss last year, largely because we were tired of seeing star Jeffrey Donovan in shows that were beneath him. But we got a couple parties to go to this Saturday, and we've scheduled in a hangover with his name written all over it!

PREVIOUSLY:

Check Out the New "Burn Notice" Novel
Number Six (AKA Tricia Helfer) Will Still Be On Your TV While "Battlestar" Is Away (OH CRAP, WE ALMOST FORGOT!!!)

Check Out the New "Burn Notice" Novel

Ben Kallen — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 14:33:00 GMT

The second season of Burn Notice begins this Thursday. But for fans who actually like to read, USA Network is also planning a series of books based on the spy-turned-detective show. Written by novelist and journalist Tod Goldberg, the novels will attempt to re-create the program's humor, quirky characters and intricate plots.

The first one, titled Burn Notice: The Fix, will hit bookstores on August 5. In the meantime, you can read a big chunk of the first chapter on the publisher's website. Decide for yourself if Goldberg has hero Michael Weston's cool-but-well-informed narration style down just right:

When you’re a spy, certain things come easy. You never have to pay your parking tickets. The IRS leaves you pretty much alone provided you don’t try to deduct TEC-9s from your 1040EZ. It’s okay if you have sex with someone you don’t actually like. In fact it’s often encouraged, and if on the off chance you fall in love with the wrong person and have to kill them, or they try to kill you, your boss rarely asks for you to fill out a purchase order for a body bag or extra bullets.

But not even being a spy gets you out of having lunch with your mother.

We say that's not bad. But if you still prefer your stories told with pictures that move, enjoy this teaser scene from the upcoming Burn Notice season premiere:

Previously:
Number Six (AKA Tricia Helfer) Will Still Be On Your TV While Battlestar Is Away (Note: Not safe for work)

Number Six (AKA Tricia Helfer) Will Still Be On Your TV While "Battlestar" Is Away

Bryan Christian — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 17:24:00 GMT

Assuming this pilot doesn't suck... as much as it sounds like it might.

Ah well, at least she's making an appearance in the Burn Notice Season Two premiere this summer!

Oh, also, she likes animals. Well, we do too!

Hey, wanna see her naked? It's Friday, right: everybody deserves nudity on Fridays!