The Remote Island : ESPN

"Madden Nation" Has To Be The Most Boring Show On TV [VIDEO]

Jake Kalish — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 14:20:00 GMT

Playing video games can be a lot of fun. But watching other people play video games is surely one of Dante's Circles Of Hell...

Seriously - have you ever gone over to someone's house, and then your friends decide they'll play video games for hours? Whose idea was it to make a television show out of that? You might as well have a TV show of people watching other TV shows. Also, guys, dressing up in a football jersey to play a football video game is really sad. We know, you're there because you're great at this game, and winner gets 100 grand. Still, don't be proud. And don't talk shit. Screaming insults at someone over a video game is not one of the steps on Buddha's Noble Eightfold Path.

Madden Nation airs on ESPN2, a lot - opposite Sportscenter, or when ESPN has a big game on. It's kind of a sacrificial lamb. But does the lamb have to be quite so sacrificial? Look at these tools:

PREVIOUSLY:

John Madden Retires From Broadcasting

Which Show Is Being Turned Into A Video Game? And Promoting That Game By Talking About Prison Rape?

Is A "Mad Men" Video Game Coming?

Video Games Are The "Fifth Network"

Obama On TV: Bad Strategy? [VIDEO]

Jake Kalish — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 17:35:00 GMT

Barack Obama's appearance on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno got huge ratings - one of the four biggest nights in the 15 years of Leno doing Tonight, with numbers matching Leno's January 2005 Johnny Carson tribute. And, given Obama's Special Olympics crack/gaffe/prelude to a million apologies, these bonanza ratings are probably bad for Barack. Of course, the Barack Obama television express kept right on rolling with yesterday's 60 Minutes appearance, during which Steve Kroft noted Barack Obama's odd laughy/jokey demeanor, and asked if he was punch drunk.

If the Obama administration's goal was to get millions of people to watch the President on television, well, then, "Mission Accomplished." But should that be the goal? Or a more specific, longer question: on a week of nonstop financial calamity and turmoil, in which Obama became the first sitting President to guest on a late-night talk show and gave an eight-minute ESPN interview on his NCAA Tournament bracket, was Barack Obama's use of television effective?

A lot of people are questioning whether the President risks overexposure - but, from where we're sitting, that doesn't seem to be the question. Barack Obama is the most powerful man in the world, and a gigantic mega-star personality besides. Whatever he does will be covered on television. Of course, that will be news coverage, and the people who watch the news are not exactly the same as the people who regularly watch Leno and ESPN. But that begs another question: not to sound snotty, but should Barack Obama be spending time and energy trying to explain himself on TV to people who don't follow the news?

The answer seems to be yes - but not like this. Televised fireside chats are an excellent idea. As are the constant press conferences. But Obama being interviewed on ESPN about his NCAA Tournament bracket was God -awful; we swore we could faintly hear Nero fiddling. And The Tonight Show? That's a tough one. It's easy to second-guess after the Special Olympics comment, but, at least to this correspondent, it did seem like a pretty good idea beforehand. And it's important to remember that before that crack, Obama was great in the interview. Of course, that's the risk you run in going off-the cuff; there's a reason no sitting President has done a late-night talk show before. And what are we talking about now? The Special Olympics. Even without the screw-up, the question coming from the right (and some in the middle, and left) would have been "What's he doing in Los Angeles, anyway?" Whch is not a totally unfair question. The 60 Minutes piece was more standard President-on-television stuff - but there, Obama's awkward laughter may have undermined his many serious points - and those laughs have already been much-analyzed and critiqued. Barack Obama may indeed, be punch drunk - and not from the challenges of the administration, but the constant stream of television appearances this week.

In discussing the possible television overexposure of Barack Obama, Paul Begala on CNN dismissed the complaints, saying "If you've got Michael Jordan, you give him the ball." And that's cute. But it's wrong. Barack Obama is the Leader Of The Free World and a "Transformative Figure" to whom people naturally flock. So how about this instead: If you've got Michael Jordan, you don't need to draw up plays for him to score.You just get out of his way. The television strategy employed by the Obama administration this week - Leno, and especially ESPN - is the sort of thing you'd do to improve the image of a President you believe is smart, but has perceived personality deficiencies - dullness, or difficulty explaining himself succinctly. It's what you'd do if Al Gore or John Kerry were President now. Barack Obama is not Al Gore or John Kerry. So perhaps the best television strategy moving forward is no "strategy" at all, or at least not set-up informal scenarios which reinforce that the relaxed, cool guy is, sure enough, still cool and relaxed.

He's already got the ball. Just get out of his way.

PREVIOUSLY:

Barack Obama's Goodwill Trip To L.A. Includes Insulting Special Olympics, "American Idol"

TV Networks vs. Barack Obama

Barack Obama Really Wants To Talk To You [AUDIO]

NCAA Tournament Coverage: Jay Bilas Is No Dick Vitale [VIDEO]

Jake Kalish — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 16:32:00 GMT

We watched the NCAA Tournament last night, and after hours of the serious demeanor, astute observation, coherent thoughts, and general rationality of CBS (and ESPN) analyst Jay Bilas, a thought occured to us: This guy is no Dick Vitale.

See, it's a proven fact: a smart calm man is not as entertaining as a dumb crazy man. Bilas, a Duke law school graduate and practicing lawyer, is smart. And he's exceedingly calm - no hype or hyperbole, ever. ESPN analyst/clown Dick Vitale, on the other hand, is a screaming, gesticulating buffoon lunatic. Which is way more fun. And that's why we always follow Dickie V's advice for "Winning In The Game Of Life"...

PREVIOUSLY:

The New Face Of The Winter Olympics Is The Old Face Of The Winter Olympics

Top Ten Moments With Bob Costas During NBC's Super Bowl Pregame Coverage

Bob Costas Leaves HBO For The MLB Network

Joe Buck Replaces Bob Costas At HBO

Lil' Wayne On ESPN's "Around The Horn"

Jake Kalish — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 18:11:00 GMT

Lil' Wayne appeared on ESPN's competitive sports commentary show Around The Horn the other day, and if we didn't know better, we'd say host Tony Reale was doing whatever he could to give Weezy the win.

Here's video of the artist formerly known as Dwayne Michael Carter Jr. commenting on A-Rod, Ben Roethlisberger, and NBA All-Star Weekend:

Not bad, but he shouldn't give up his day job. Mostly because it's made him a millionaire. Speaking of which, here he is with his Grammy-winning song, A Milli:

"Lie To Me", Alex Rodriguez: Episode Two

Jake Kalish — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 18:30:00 GMT

So now Alex Rodriguez has admitted taking steroids. He's cleared the air, and the truth has set him free, right?

No, not exactly. Because in his admission to ESPN's Peter Gammons, Rodriguez makes a number of highly dubious claims - and attacks Sports Illustrated's Selena Roberts, who broke the story, as a "stalker" for, you know, reporting a story that turned out to be 100% accurate.

Among Rodriguez' claims:

1. Selena Roberts "tried to break into my house where my girls are up there sleeping, and got cited by the Miami Police." Rodriguez then said "I have the paper here," and produced no paper. A-Rod also claimed Roberts "has been thrown out of my apartment in New York City," and was "thrown out of the University of Miami by police for tresspassing." Rodriguez concluded by saying "don't follow this Selena Roberts lady" by continuing to ask her for information on this story. Selena Roberts dismissed A-Rod's accusations as "absurd", and they certainly seem to be; Selena Roberts hasn't risen to the top of her profession by stalking and trespassing - plus, that's an awful way to actually do her job - she'd lose all her sources, forever. Plus, if a Sports Illustrated reporter was cited by the Miami Police department for attempting to break into A-Rod's house, you think that might have made the news? This is despicable "kill the messenger" stuff.

2. A-Rod keeps mentioning "GNC" as a place someone could buy banned substances. But Rodriguez supposedly tested positive for the anabolic steroid Primobolan - and you sure can't get that at GNC. That'd be like going to a corner deli, holding up a can of Red Bull, and saying "I need something stronger. Do you have any Crack Juice? Made From Real Crack?"

3. A-Rod says he didn't know he was lying in the December 2007 60 Minutes interview with Katie Couric when he denied taking, or even considering taking, steroids:

At the time, Peter, I wasn't even being truthful with myself. How am I going to be truthful with Katie or CBS?

What the hell does that even mean?

Watch part of his ESPN interview with Peter Gammons, check for microexpressions, and see if you don't come up with some Dr.Cal Lightman conclusions...

PREVIOUSLY:

"Lie To Me", Alex Rodriguez

Former NFL Head Coach Herm Edwards Is Coming To ESPN

Jake Kalish — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 18:28:00 GMT

He was always better at the post-game press conferences than during the actual games, so this is a good get. Herm is an extremely likeable guy who still has an edge, so he should be perfect for TV. ESPN will have Edwards as as a studio analyst, with yet-to-be defined other duties. Basically, they don't know where they'll put him yet, they just knew they wanted him. As anyone would, after watching him repeatedly yell "You play to win the game!"

Do Sportscasters On Local Newscasts Have A Future?

Jake Kalish — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 22:11:00 GMT

Today's New York Daily News asks the interesting question of whether, in this ESPN/interweb era, local news really needs sportscasters. Our answer: yes, if they're anything like Champ KInd. Or Brian "Boom Goes The Dynamite" Collins.

World Series of Poker Final Table Tonight -- Finally

Jake Kalish — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 22:33:00 GMT

The World Series of Poker final table is tonight at 9 on ESPN, immediately after a "Countdown To The Final Table" one-hour lead-in show. This is big news to all of us who spend a whole lot of time playing and watching poker (and talking to uninterested people about poker) instead of doing our actual work, because for the first time, the WSOP is running the event kinda, sorta, almost live. Previously, the Series wrapped in early July, and wouldn't be broadcast until the fall. Problem with that was, as with Mad Men, spoilers. The people who were really interested invariably found out the winner, via the evil of the internet.

So now, even though the rest of the World Series was played in July, the final table is being played in November, and being run live... ish.

"Ish," we say? Yes, "Ish."

See, the problem with televising poker actually live is that, most of the time, nothing happens - it's kinda boring, and it has no built-in time limit. A final table could last 4, 5 hours. So the final table was actually played a couple of days ago - except for the final two heads-up for the championship -- so ESPN could edit together the most exciting parts, before going heads-up. It's an interesting, weird compromise of a solution -- kind of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" of the card world. So, though you could easily find out who the final two players are, we won't blow up ESPN's spot. But we will give you a hint: it's not the guy pictured above, Stuey Ungar, horrific drug addict and probably the all-around greatest card player who ever lived. Because he's dead.

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

Tony Kornheiser Is In Way Over His Bald, Bald Head

Jake Kalish — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 19:42:00 GMT

It hurts to say this, but Tony Kornheiser - an excellent sportwriter and wonderful on ESPN's Pardon The Interruption (which is deservedly the prototype for talking-head sports shows) is an absolutely miserable analyst on Monday Night Football. In last night's game, he declared the less than one-possession game over with over 2 minutes to go (even if that was true, which it clearly wasn't if you know anything about football, Kornheiser's failing Promotion 101), and then spent the rest of the game apologizing for being wrong and stupid as the Cardinals drove down the field to the 2 yard line, before failing to score the last-second touchdown. That's right, in an incredibly exciting game, Kornheiser made a dumb mistake, and then blabbered about that dumb mistake endlessly in the final, deciding moments.

This is too bad for Kornheiser, who outside of the football announcing booth is smart, funny, and engaging; but inside it is just another victim of The Peter Principle. Really, there's no good reason he should be a good football game analyst, and, sure enough, he isn't. It reminds us of a routine by the late, great Mitch Hedberg about stand-up comedians in Los Angeles constantly being asked to be actors or writers:

It's like they say all right, you're a good cook. Can you farm?

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

Monday Afternoon Football: Wide Receiver / Reality Show Interior Designer?

Jake Kalish — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 16:26:00 GMT

Keyshawn Johnson, former star football player for the Jets and Bucs, currently an ESPN football analyst, wants to become an interior designer -and A&E wants to film it. For real. The ten-part show will be called Keyshawn Johnson: Tackling Design. Tackling - get it? Actually, the title doesn't make sense, since he wasn't a defensive player, but that's by-the-by. Hey, we got a better title: Keyshawn Johnson: Catching Shit. Because that's exactly what the former receiver will have thrown his way when his macho football buddies hear about this. We're pretty sure this'll trump Rosey Grier singing "It's All Right To Cry" or Joe Namath doing that panty hose commercial? For his part, Key says

It's what I essentially hope to become one day - a male version of Martha Stewart.

Now there's the quote to stop the teasing.

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

Couldn't Get Rid Of Those Cavemen THAT Easy

Bryan Christian — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 17:36:00 GMT

You'd think that, as with actual evolution, once those Geico cavemen lost their tenuous fingerhold on their place in the line-up, they'd disappear forever. But no; sounds like they'll be coming back in ESPN ads next season. And that's a good idea because why? Well, 'cause ESPN and ABC are both owned by Disney, sez Jossip. And... what, exactly? How much did they pay for the rights for those guys that they gotta flog them every which way they can? Well, whatever; we eagerly await the big-budget Bruckheimer action trilogy and the commemorative chess set. Oh, also: argh.