Imaginary TV Fights: Tiki Barber of "The Today Show" vs. Tiki Barber of "Football Night In America"

Jake Kalish — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 22:11:00 GMT

Tiki Barber is a busy man - a correspondent for The Today Show all week and then, on Sunday night, strapping it on (that means something different in football than it does in pornography) to be one of the eighty-three people hosting Football Night in America.

In addition, his second book, Tiki Barber's Pure Hard Workout (It's a Victorian-era comedy of manners) was published November 13th. How can one man do it all? Our answer: he can't and half of these duties are being performed by Tiki's identical twin Ronde. But just in case it is Attiim Kiambu Barber himself handling all this work, he must, at the very least, have a split personality. So howzabout those personalities fight? Cryptopopculturalist and part-time pulling guard Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights at your service, to give you the blow-by-blow. (That means something different in fighting than it does in pornography.)

TIKI BARBER OF FOOTBALL NIGHT IN AMERICA	TIKI BARBER OF THE TODAY SHOW
Broadcasting Teammate: Jerome "The Bus" Bettis	Broadcasting Teammate: Ann "The Tank" Curry
40 Yard Dash: 4.47 seconds, away from Keith Olbermann's commercial break political diatribes	40 Yard Dash: 4.53 seconds, to the set's kitchen to cook peach muffins
Bench Press: 3 sets of Eagles coach Andy Reid	Bench Press: 20 sets of Tim Gunn

THE FIGHT

Inspired by a classic Kathie Lee Gifford pep talk, Today Tiki takes a handoff from Matt Lauer, and, following a lead block by Gene Shalit, busts through the Viera and Roker led offensive line to pulverize and slobberknock Football NIght Tiki, who gets absolutely no assistance from any of his two hundred and fourteen co-hosts. Prone and concussed, football Tiki then is pestered by Costas and commentated on by Olbermann.

WINNER: TODAY TIKI

JAKE KALISH is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Blender, Men’s Fitness, and Playboy, among other publications. He could totally kick your ass.

Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is published by Three Rivers Press

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Imaginary TV Fights: Tiki Barber of "The Today Show" vs. Tiki Barber of "Football Night In America"