The Remote Island : Heroes

Zachary Quinto Couldn't Do The Vulcan Salute?

Jake Kalish — Thu, 07 May 2009 19:33:00 GMT

Some Spock. How can he not be able to do this? We're still totally seeing the new Star Trek, because it's J.J. Abrams and it's supposed to be great. And we like Zachary Quinto - he was one of the best things about that fabulous first season of Heroes, before everything started to fall apart. But if this story from the New York Post's Page Six is true, dude needs to be teased a little...

ZACHARY Quinto, who plays Spock in the new "Star Trek" film, "couldn't train his fingers to do the 'live long and prosper' Vulcan salute," a source says. When tying rubber bands around his fingers didn't work, fed-up director J.J. Abrams "glued Zachary's fingers together during filming."

PREVIOUSLY:

"Star Trek": Bringing Sexy Back To The United Federation Of Planets

The New "Star Trek" Trailer Is ABSOLUTELY GREAT [VIDEO]

Star Trek Reboot Action Figures: Boldly Going Where No Toys Have Gone Before

"Heroes" Star Hayden Panettiere Loves Her Some Bristol Palin

Lindy Parker — Thu, 07 May 2009 15:05:00 GMT

After the hot mess that was the Tyra Banks-fueled showdown between Bristol Palin's baby daddy, Levi Johnston, and the former Republican vice presidential nominee, it's nice to see Bristol Palin out and about and forming fast friendships with TV stars...

Hayden Panettiere, 19, and young mom Bristol Palin attended the Candie's Foundation town hall meeting on teenage pregnancy prevention for National Teen Pregnancy Awareness Day in NYC Wednesday.

"It's very nice that she's come out to support this, and it's nice to have her," Panettiere said. "Teenagers get to look at her, and she can say, 'This happened to me.' This is all politics aside. She is just a girl out here saying, 'Look, it happened to me -- it can happen to you.'" (Us Weekly)

Question: if Bristol Palin was a hero/villain, what would her power be? Super-human fertility? Continuing the mutant race? Perhaps her infant son is the last hope for civilization and Levi Johnston was actually sent from the future to impregnate her? Sorry, that's a different show.

Unrelated: Does it seem as though Bristol Palin might use a bumpit?

Previously:

Maverick Sarah Palin Bravely Takes On Teenage Boy

Levi Johnston Spills The Beans On Tyra

Bristol Palin On Fox News: Abstinence-Only Education Is "Not Realistic"

"Post-Conception Pregnancy Advice Service" Ads On British TV?

Hayden Panettiere Gets Burglarized

Jake Kalish — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 15:22:00 GMT

Damn. First Tila Tequila, now Hayden Panettiere? What's up with people breaking into homes recently?

Thankfully, Hayden was not home. But the burglars did get some valuable stuff - 15 grand worth of jewelry. And it sounds like an inside job:

Several people with access to the house were in and out while the actress was away, there were no signs of forced entry and there are no suspects at the moment.

No signs of forced entry is almost, in a way, worse. Not to sound old, but Hayden Panettiere is 19, and stuff like this could make her trust no one for her whole adult life. This is what can make famous people angry, fearful, and paranoid.

PREVIOUSLY:

Modern Stalking: Man Breaks Into Tila Tequila's House And Twitter Account

"DWTS" Gets Very Scary For Shawn Johnson

More Stalker News: David Caruso's Stalker Is In Jail, Shawn Johnson's Stalker Has A Restraining Order

Yet More TV Stalker News: Tyra Banks' Stalker On Trial

"Heroes": Ali Larter On The Cancellation Rumors

Jake Kalish — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 16:33:00 GMT

So on Sunday Greg Grunberg Twittered Winding down shooting Season 3 Heroes, Tough to say goodbye to crew not knowing if any or all of us will return next year. Which set off an internet frenzy of speculation that the show might be cancelled. Speculation that Ali Larter felt the need to acknowledge...

Greg is a Twitter. Tell him to shush!

Ha! we agree. But then, continuing on the topic at something called Cosmo's Fun Fearless Male Awards, Ali said something that was neither a ringing guarantee that the show would return, nor a defiant retort to all the show's critics:

[Cancellation] would be terrible in my book. The cast just loves the show. We have such amazing writers. Bryan Fuller is coming back, which is so incredible. He wrote Nikki the first season. I connect with him on so many levels, and I think he's going to bring a strength back to the show. If the network doesn't want to bring us back I'll be really sad, but you know what, I just can't even go there. I think that the show was so strong first season, and we'll come back and get it back to where it should be.

Wow. That pretty much sounds like what we've been saying. The show was great its first season, and has gotten much worse. Bryan Fuller's return offers some hope. Although maybe if one of the show's biggest stars is basically admitting the show has lost its strength, Heroes really is in trouble.

PREVIOUSLY:

Our Heroes Archive

Don't Let Matt Parkman Twitter

Jake Kalish — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 22:55:00 GMT

Greg Grunberg sent a twitter to Heroes fans that many of the twitees (twits?) interpreted as hinting that Heroes may be ending. Everybody went wild over all the internets, and the man we know best as Matt Parkman had to backtrack, and fast.

Here's the Twitter:

Winding down shooting Season 3 Heroes. Tough to say goodbye to crew not knowing if any or all of us will return next year. Hope all.

Cue shitstorm. The fans went buck wild and rabid on the world wide web, causing Grunberg to send a clarification twitter:

Don't get me wrong, 'Heroes' IS coming back next year, but some crew take other jobs, so it's tough.

Did Parkman say too much?

PREVIOUSLY:

Our Heroes Archive

Friday Flash Back: Hayden Panettiere on “Ally McBeal”

Olivia Purnell — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 21:00:00 GMT

This week we had a revelation. Hayden Panettiere should only wear vintage. Right? She’s just the kind of girl who should only rock a 40’s era look. We wonder if she owns a faux-mink stole. That would be perfect for her.

She’s also been in our thoughts since we heard about the break up. You didn’t know? Hayden and Milo Ventimiglia went their separate ways! We know. Sad.

She should take comfort in finger waves, red lipstick, and kitten heels.

In honor of the cheerleader’s fashion choices, we’re to dig into the vault and dust off some vintage Panettiere, just cause it’s Friday. Let’s go back to a time before Milo, before Heroes. We were all happier then.

Previously:

Friday Flashback “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”
Friday Flash Back: It’s “A Different World”
Why Hayden Panettiere Should Stick To Vintage

Why Hayden Panettiere Should Stick to Vintage

Lindy Parker — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 23:20:00 GMT

So, we're on our computer this morning, cruising red carpet fashion pics, you know, like we do, and we came across this shot of Heroes star, Hayden Panettiere sporting an impossibly perfect red lip (the kind we always attempt, but never quite achieve). The thing is, we've never really thought of Hayden as a style maven -- mostly we think of her in a cheerleader outfit -- but further research confirms that she can rock out a vintage look...

Right? She looks amazing in this picture -- sort of like if Shirley Temple had grown up hot...

We find that the problems set in when she tries to stray from the 1940's chic...

What's happening here exactly? Is she using the skirt to smuggle an outsider into the Emmys?

Now see, here again, if anything screams "Oh dear God, stick to classic vintage!" it's this sad, bedazzled, strapless apron.

Sigh. So much better. Lesson learned, Hayden. Lesson learned.

"Heroes" Can't Save Their Love

Jake Kalish — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 15:25:00 GMT

Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia broke up? Noooo! Can't he eventually go back in time and fix whatever he did wrong? Dude, there's no excuse to screw up a relationship when you can read minds, either. Maybe all the problems between these two started when his dad took away his powers?

Actually, the Hayden/Milo split, coming after a more than year-long relationship, seems to have something to do with the fact that she's a newborn and he's on Social Security, according to Us:

"It was a lifestyle conflict," a source close to the couple tells Us, adding that the split happened within the last week. "They were in very different places." Adds the insider, "They are still on friendly terms. There are no hard feelings." The source tells Us that Panettiere, 19, "is young. She likes to go out in the Hollywood scene and that's not his style."

Weird that a 19-year-old and a 31-year-old would be in "very different places." Never could have seen that coming.

PREVIOUSLY:

Our Heroes Archive

Anybody Else Watch "Heroes" Last Night?

Bryan Christian — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 15:25:00 GMT

Is Peter looking into the camera? Does he know we're here? What is he, She-Hulk all of a sudden?

We know -- it's surprising, right? That we'd ever watch Heroes again after our rather dramatic exeunt from recapping the fall season? Well, what do you know, there we were watching the 3D episode of Chuck (sans glasses, which was actually fine -- nice going ) and next thing you know, BOOM, Heroes. Prolly just what NBC was hoping would happen, so, you know, sorry to be a pawn in your game, Ben Silverman!

So, how was the first chapter in the "Fugitives" volume? So far... um... eh? Is that an acceptable answer?

There were some nice moments, to be sure. Most of them had 2008-9's official Everywhere Man Zeljko Ivanek as the creep rounding up all the heroes -- oh, see what they did there? see what they did EVERYWHERE? -- and sending them off to a Super-Gitmo. And the cliffhanger ending -- a plane crash that played like Con Air crossed with Lost -- was pretty good stuff.

But for each of those moments, there were still missteps, things that made you wonder if the show really could come back together. Like Mohinder driving a cab. (What?) And Peter just happening to get in it. (Double what?) In New York city. (SHUT UP!) Or how about Claire doing, um, just about anything. Really, we understand that she's the jailbait that makes this show so yummy to fanboys, but urgh! Are we really supposed to take her seriously?

So, you know, so far, we say it's a draw. But apparently Mark Verheiden, who was responsible for last Friday's EXCELLENT episode of Battlestar, takes over next week, so maybe we give it another week? Maybe. The big question: will we make it all the way to anything Bryan Fuller works on?

PREVIOUSLY:

"Heroes" Producer Mark Verheiden Says They're Trying Their Absolute Best To Make "Heroes" Good. Really.

Some "Heroes" Star Wants Off "Heroes", Says Blind Item On E! Online

"Pushing Daisies" Creator Pretty Much Confirmed As The Guy To Save "Heroes"

NBC Is Going Post-Apocalyptical

Jake Kalish — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 18:31:00 GMT

The Peacock has ordered a pilot from Heroes writer/producer Jesse Alexander for a drama focusing on survivors of an apocalyptical event, who try to figure out why everything went so very, very wrong, and how they can rebuild society. It's called Day One - which may be the day the show gets canceled, if it's anything like this past season of Heroes. To be fair to Alexander, he also worked on Lost and Alias.

Well, we're all about dystopias, so long as we don't have to be a part of them. Here's hoping this show gets on the air before the world ends.

PREVIOUSLY:

Our Heroes Archive

“Lost” + “Heroes” = Action Figure Magic!

Olivia Purnell — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 16:00:00 GMT

Apparently waiting for the Lost premiere (it’s tonight, ya’ll. Set that DVR) left a few of the folks over at justforlaughs.com with a little bit of time on their hands. But no thumb twiddling or cats cradle for those industrious kids. No staring open-mouthed at pictures of Matthew Fox soaking wet for hours on end. Instead they decided to take everyone’s favorite islanders and throw a few heroes into the mix. The result is a hilarious mash-up of the ridiculous Heroes characters and the ever-intense Lost gang.

It’s kind of genius, actually. See the brilliance after the jump.

(tvsquad.com)

Previously:

New “Lost” Promo Posters Are Kind of Lame
“Heroes” Secret Power: Time Shifting
Some “Heroes” Star Wants Off “Heroes,” Says Blind Item on E! Online

"Heroes" Producer Mark Verheiden Says They're Trying Their Absolute Best To Make "Heroes" Good. Really.

Jake Kalish — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:25:00 GMT

Maybe they can get Hiro to take all of us back to early 2007...

Heroes producer Mark Verheiden wants you to know he's heard the complaints , and, seriously, they're trying to fix this:

What we tried to do with the show as a group, people will notice that we’re not doing as many stories per show and lingering a bit on the stories we’re doing...

Well, they better do something, before someone who is probably Ali Larter bolts. Wait, there's a whole lot more:

[W]e’re not deaf. We listen to what the general drumbeat is and as we go forward, I think we’ve made some adjustments. But they were adjustments that were being made before all this stuff really came down. One thing I’ve learned after doing this for a while is that you can’t really control that sort of thing. You can just do the best you can do. That’s what I’m about, trying to do the best shows we can do. I was reading somewhere where someone suggested that, “well they must not care about the show.” [laughs] Critique it all you want. You can have all the issues you want, but in terms of caring I’m telling you we care about the show. Not just the writers, not just the producers, the cast, the enormous crew, everyone. It’s a little absurd... You don’t stay in the office until midnight and work seven days a week and all this stuff because you’re just knocking it out... [E]verybody who’s there is killing themselves to make the best show possible. You can’t fault us for lack of trying.

No. But if this is them trying, then things are even worse then we imagined. Maybe Bryan Fuller can fix this?

PREVIOUSLY: Our Heroes Archive

Some "Heroes" Star Wants Off "Heroes", Says Blind Item On E! Online

Jake Kalish — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 22:35:00 GMT

We're not fo' sho, but it sounds like Ali Larter...

According to E! Online (Damn them! For making their station! An exclamation!) some Heroes star really wants to leave Heroes. With the ratings and the storylines going so far downhill this season, this is unsurprising - it's like rats on a sinking ship, or Republicans at the 2008 Republican Convention. Not sure who exactly, this item is referring to, but if you go by the clues E! is giving, it sure sounds like Ali Larter...

It's a series regular who's been on since season one.
Some of you fans would freak if this actor were to leave.
This particular Hero-ic soul has more name recognition than others in the cast.
According to Peacock-net insiders, NBC is not likely to release this actor. (See number three.)
If this actor does return for season four, there's an easy way to bring him or her back from the planned "death."

PREVIOUSLY: Our Heroes Archive

"Pushing Daisies" Creator Pretty Much Confirmed As The Guy To Save "Heroes"

Bryan Christian — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 21:38:00 GMT

Our misfortune could very well be Peter Petrelli and NBC's gain. Huh. It's not too late for a recount, is it?

No idea if there's much ink that's drying over the deal yet, but all signs point to Pushing Daisies creator Bryan Fuller returning to Heroes, NBC's sprawling, struggling superhero epic, and save it from the clutches of low ratings, misguided storylines, and the bitter (possibly secretly fired, is our guess) clutches of Tim Kring.

Sources confirm that he's about to close a two-year deal with NBC/Universal to develop new shows and -- most importantly -- make a much-anticipated comeback to Heroes. The news should come as great relief to fans of the struggling NBC series; Fuller wrote for the show during its first season, including the critically beloved "Company Man," an episode with a streamlined, single-character focus that is often cited as a model the jam-packed ensemble show should follow moving forward.

We applaud the move, because Bryan Fuller's career has been largely marked by well-loved failures -- Daisies, Dead Like Me, Wonderfalls -- and it's great to see him with the opportunity to make a big, high-profile play. But we can't help but think that no matter what happens with Heroes -- whoever the clearly death-obsessed Fuller decides to kill -- it'll always be someone else's show. Like, it'll never feel like Fuller's baby -- sweet, smart, colorful and witty -- right? More than likely, it'll just get smaller, but retain the wearyingly serious, kinda self-important tone that drives us up the wall.

Maybe not, tho; what do you guys think?

PREVIOUSLY:
More On ABC Cancelling "Pushing Daisies" And "Dirty Sexy Money"
Hey "Heroes" Fans, Tim Kring Thinks You're Dipshits
Is It Worth Losing "Pushing Daisies" To Save "Heroes"?
Our Heroes Archive

"Heroes": These "Dipshits" Are Done

Jake Kalish — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 16:32:00 GMT

So we were all ready to summarize this week's Heroes episode, which sucked as usual, except that Seth Green and Breckin Meyer of Robot Chicken were on it as comic store guys. But then we got to thinking about Tim Kring's comment that only "saps and dipshits" would watch shows in a serialized format. You know, this quote:

(The serialized show) is a very flawed way of telling stories on network television right now, because of the advent of the DVR and online streaming. The engine that drove [serialized TV] was you had to be in front of the TV [when it aired]. Now you can watch it when you want, where you want, how you want to watch it, and almost all of those ways are superior to watching it on air. So [watching it] on air is related to the saps and the dipshits who can't figure out how to watch it in a superior way.

And if you're a sap and dipshit for watching the show Mondays at 9 and trying to follow the nonsensical plots and completely inconsistent characters, you'd have to be extra sappy and dipshitty for jotting down notes on everything that happens on Heroes, and then trying your best to cleverly summarize it for people who have grown attached to the show even though it's no good anymore. And who wants to be sappy and dipshitty? Not us. Therefore, in the interest of being neither saps nor dipshits, we have decided to stop writing recaps of Heroes. And if we accidentally find ourselves watching the show on occasion, hoping it'll somehow be saved or, if not, mercifully euthanized, it's only because we're too dumb to figure out something superior to do.

[Ed.: Actually, if Bryan Fuller replaces Tim Kring, we're totally there. Just saying.]

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

Hey "Heroes" Fans, Tim Kring Thinks You're Dipshits

Jake Kalish — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 15:33:00 GMT

Heroes has really been struggling this year -- and finally we know why. According to creator Tim Kring, it's all your fault.

See, Kring wants to move the show away from a serialized format, saying...

(The serialized show) is a very flawed way of telling stories on network television right now, because of the advent of the DVR and online streaming. The engine that drove [serialized TV] was you had to be in front of the TV [when it aired]. Now you can watch it when you want, where you want, how you want to watch it, and almost all of those ways are superior to watching it on air. So [watching it] on air is related to the saps and the dipshits who can't figure out how to watch it in a superior way.

Wow. Saps and dipshits. Thanks, Tim. It was painful enough sitting down every Monday at 9 to watch your piece of rancid garbage, and now we gotta take some emotional abuse for doing so in an inferior way? Good analysis of Kring's babyfit by the Onion's A.V. Club. Seems like Heroes will be off the air pretty soon anyway, so nobody will be around to hear Kring's rants. [Ed.: Hey, maybe Kring's already been fired as showrunner to make way for the newly freed-up Bryan Fuller, and he's pissed that he can't say nothing lest lose his job altogether?]

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

PREVIOUSLY:
Is It Worth Losing "Pushing Daisies" To Save "Heroes"?
Our Heroes Archive

"Heroes": You Should Have Never Become My Friend, Or My Hero

Jake Kalish — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 17:00:00 GMT

All the promos for this week's ep have promised a new eclipse, like the one in the first season that gave everyone their powers. This makes us sad -- it's more "remember when we were good?" stuff. Once upon a time / there was light in my life / Now there's only love in the dark / There's nothing we can do / total eclipse of this show.

Seriously, It's amazing how quickly Heroes has lost its juice. This very season began with a huge countdown show before the premiere, and now they're already looking back and wondering what the hell happened. It's like having a relationship with Drew Barrymore.

Power: The show magically becomes irrelevant before a decreasing number of viewers each week

The episode begins with Hiro and Ando going back in time to when Hiro was ten, for some godawful reason. They wind up in a bowling alley, eating waffles. 10-year-old Hiro looks exactly like regular Hiro.

Weakness: Limiting your best character to comic relief

Then Arthur Petrelli starts telling Sylar (remember, his son) about empathy. What about us at home? Claire tells Peter, "your father is trying to kill you." They run into Idiot Fire Hands (who is Claire's uncle - it's a hell of a family tree to climb this season) and the dude from The Wire. Then they jump out the window. Something's wrong with Soresh's serum (and Soresh - his fly-like growths are starting to show) - and Arthur Petrelli says a person is the missing link. One guess. Claire.

Elle is screaming at Sylar for killing her father. They're both breathing heavy. He says "you deserve vengeance." She blasts him with her lightning hands. Why is this kind of hot? Daphne the speedster is keeping tabs on Parkman for Arthur Petrelli, but she's starting to get feelings for the big schlub, and asks Petrelli to keep the schmo out of it. That's not the way he does business. Peter and Claire have some overwrought, overacted sequence where he tells her she kills him in the future, and she says "You should have never become my friend, or my hero." I feel that way about this show.

The guy from the Wire and Uncle Fire Hands come for Claire, and Peter doesn't know how to help, since his powers are gone. Back at the bowling alley, Ando is teaching Hiro, the oldest looking 10-year-old in the universe, how to stop time. Hiro stops time, and, of course, plays all sort of pranks. So dumb. Parkman is trying to unlock Angela Petrelli's mind. Elle is attacking Sylar, he says "I can take it all," keeps getting blasted with lighting bolts. She's in a lot of pain, says "kill me, please", is breathing heavy, trembling, and crying a little, as the lighting coarses through her. It's totally ridiculous, but actually kind of hot - her powers are pretty orgasmic. Don't know if Kristen Bell or the writers decided to do it that way, but me likes. Sylar unlocks Elle, and now his shirt is off. It's very Red Shoe Diaries. Somehow he gets her power without killing her - and now her pain is gone. They're both crying with joy. Well, now that Foxy Maya seems to be off the show, this'll work.

Peter opens up a gas pipe, and when Uncle Fire Hands attacks, a huge fireball is created, that shoots back at him - and Peter and Claire get away. Commercial break. The pregnant man, who's pregnant again, is on Larry King. He/She should totally be on Heroes.

Weakness: No Pregnant Man, but a whole lot of Parkman

Nathan decides to go to Primatech, and Tracy Strauss pays Arthur Petrelli a visit, saying she can convince Nathan to do his father's bidding. Parkman is having visions - he sees Angela Petrelli. Daphne is in his vision, stabbing him. He's bleeding from the vision. OMG, could Parkman be dying? Yessssssss! Suddenly Daphne somehow works her way into Parkman's vision, and there are two Daphnes, one with a knofe, and one trying to save Parkman. I understand this is a superhero show, but at what point does this become ridiculous?

Power: This show manages to get more convoluted and difficult to summarize as it gets more boring and stupid

Angela and Arthur Petrelli are in the vision now, and Arthur tells Parkman Daphne betrayed him. Daphne begs for forgiveness, tells Parkman she loves him. How? Angela asks Arthur to be let go in the vision, and he releases her. Now Parkman's healed, he and Daphne love each other, Angela wakes up. DAMMIT, WON"T SOMEONE PLEASE DIE? Does it have to be me?

Soresh is with some gnarly gross guy with similar growths to him, but way worse, that dude is begging to be killed too. I think death is all anybody wants right now, and it seems like it might be coming, at the hands of NBC execs. Hiro and Ando find the 9 Wonders comic book - yes, more going back to the first season - and it tells them the eclipse is coming. Ah, there it is, in the 58th fucking minute of the show. Angela, Peter, Daphne, and Claire are all in the same room, and they figure out that the missing ingredient in the serum, the "catalyst," is Claire. Surprise! Arthur has a vision of the eclipse, draws it, says "it's coming." Well, it sure better hurry, before you get cancelled.

To Be Continued...

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

PREVIOUSLY:
"Heroes": "In The Beginning"... Or "In Memoriam"?
Is It Worth Losing "Pushing Daisies" To Save "Heroes"?
Our Heroes Archive

"Heroes": "In The Beginning"... Or "In Memoriam"?

Jake Kalish — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 18:42:00 GMT

We almost didn't watch Heroes this week, what with all the firings and rumors. But hey, Micah Sanders seems to have worked his machine magic and put the show on the air at least one more week. That, or I traveled back from three weeks in the future, after the show's been canceled, to watch this episode. We can do that, you know - go back in time, but only to watch original episodes of television programs. What's that you say? Tivo? Never heard of it.

Actually, this week's episode also looks back in time, as Hiro takes a spirit walk to 1 year in the past, and sees how all this stuff started. Sure, if a show's not moving forward in any sensible manner what it needs is a lot of flashbacks, including a bunch of clips from the wildly successful (and actually creative and fun) first season. This whole thing is sad, like the show's writers and producers (or, at least whoever's left) are saying "Remember us? You used to like us." It's like the montage of dead people at the Emmys, if Red Skelton had telekinesis and Imogene Coca was a government assassin. Except less good.

Heroes' Power: Ability to eulogize yourself

Heroes' Weakness: Um, you're not technically dead yet

The ep begins with Hiro's spirit walk showing him a whole lot of new characters we don't really know or care about: Claire's mom, Fire Hands McGee (not actual name), teaming up with her brother, Stupid Dude Fire Hands (might be actual name - will wiki that) to hold up a convenience store. They get stopped by Julia Roberts' older bro, the one who used to smoke a lot of weed and do B-movies. He takes Fire Hands McGee in to be an agent.

Sylar (then called Gabriel) is trying to hang himself, but Elle barges in and shoots down the rope like Clint Eastwood did with Eli Wallach in The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Except she does it with the lightning bolts in her hands. Turns out she didn't just happen upon Gabriel; she and HRG were minitoring him for Primatech.Then we go to Nathan Petrelli driving with his wife. Yes, it's a clip from season 1. Car crashes, Nathan flies up into the air. Turns out Arthur Petrelli gave the orders to run his own son off the road. Pretty sure that's not in any parenting books.

Elle visits Gabriel/Sylar, brings him some peach pie, he says it's his favorite. Hey, mine too! Here's a recipe. Although, come to think of it, key lime pie is also great, as the last two episodes of Dexter have shown us. What is it with these shows and pie? And when does strawberry-rhubarb get a TV shoutout? Is Pecan or Lemon Merengue in the house?

Power: Making me really hungry for pie

Fire Hands McGee gets into some dumb escape plan with her dumb bro running away from that kid from The Pope of Greenwich Village, for no discernible reason. Linderman talks to Angela, says "do you want to live in blind obedience, or do you want to know the truth?" Actually, we'll take the dare, which is sitting through this whole episode without trying to make like Sylar with the rope. Pothead Roberts, after that nonsense with the train, hears Fire Hands McGee talk about her "dead" daughter - Claire, and feels so bad for her that he cuts her loose - and we see a clip from season 1 of Claire running into that burning building. You know, when the show was good.

Power: Making me wonder when exactly this show jumped the shark, and how I didn't notice.

Elle and Sylar are making all flirty-flirty, but then she brings in some dude named Trevor whose hands shoot like a gun - but only, apparently, if he makes that goofy gun hand gesture, like a seven year old. He should have been forced by writers to say "pow pow" too. He doesn't get the chance, 'cause Sylar kills him.

Angela Petrelli sits down with her husband, the Haitian comes in and blocks Arthur's abilities, she poisons him.

Back with HRG - after talking with Claire, he gets into a cab Soresh is driving, after Peter Petrelli gets out. That's right, clip from Season 1, Episode 1. Totally feels like it's one of those Seinfeld clip shows, after Larry David left and they were running on fumes and good memories. We told you, sad.

Everyone thinks Arthur Petrelli is dead - but, of course, he isn't. He just brain-controlled to tell everyone he was dead, and get a different body for the funeral.

Weakness: Ah, so the Petrelli boys can save the world, but they can't put the right body in a casket? Anybody heard of double-checking?

Now we're back in present day Africa - Hiro realizes Arthur Petrelli is alive. But then he notices his spirit guide has been decapitated. And Arthur Petrelli comes around, says "I hear you've been looking for me," and grabs that little guy by the head.

To be Continued...(Maybe)

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

PREVIOUSLY:
Our Heroes Archive

Is It Worth Losing "Pushing Daisies" To Save "Heroes"?

Bryan Christian — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 15:30:00 GMT

A few weeks back, Heroes wound up on the cover of Entertainment Weekly as "a series in crisis." Then two of the show's longtime producers got shitcanned. And finally, creator Tim Kring admitted that even he is confused by the show. Wow, huh? Just... wow, right?

Well, does Pushing Daisies creator and showrunner Bryan Fuller -- a producer on Heroes in its freshman year, pictured above -- have what it takes to save Kring's wayward baby? We kind of hope not, because although Fuller's a bright guy and probably could do some good, it's beginning to sound like a Fuller-run Heroes depends on a world without Pushing Daisies...

I am exclusive to Daisies through the delivery of the 13th episode of our 13-episode order, which will be mid-January... If Daisies isn't picked up by then, I will definitely be going back to play with my friends at Heroes.

Guy's got a right to make sure he's working in hard times, but man, this is like Sophie's Choice here. Should we wish Pushing Daisies --which is very much on the bubble -- long life and leave Heroes to be fixed by someone else, or is a Fuller-esque Heroes worth the price? What do you think? Jump through and tell us in the comments!

"Heroes": Make Mommy Proud

Jake Kalish — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 16:27:00 GMT

Was this Heroes, or an episode of Growing Pains? There was so much family stuff going on, it totally seemed like Carol Seaver was going to storm off to her room screaming "How come Mike gets to read minds and I don't?"

The episode starts with Hiro in Africa, refusing to go back in time. Good, Hiro. Keep refusing. Nathan and Tracy confront Mohinder in his lab, he busts Maya out of her web and leaps through the skylight. Peter wants to know how his dead dad isn't dead anymore. Dad handcuffs him to the bed, actually says "you're grounded." Yeesh.

Power: Ability to make an supercharged world-in the balance battle seem very Nick at Nite.

Meanwhile, Claire's with her mom coming back from stopping the Puppetteer, and says "Is that weird? We just starred in a human puppet show..."

Weakness: The only thing worse than having a ridiculous go-nowhere plotline is when characters recap the ridiculous go-nowhere plotline.

When Claire and Mom arrive home, Elle is over there, making all the lights go crazy. Claire and Elle get into a little catfight, Claire wins. Elle can't control her powers, and says she needs help. Meanwhile, Maya's in a hospital bed, Soresh is watching her, and Arthur Petrelli introduces himself to the good doctor. Mohinder tells him he thought he was dead. Yeah, we all thought that, thanks. Arthur Petrelli takes Maya's abilities, which sure seems like a way to write her out of the show. AP shows Mohinder his formula and it's different from Dr. Soresh's, which means something, pseudo-scientifically.

Sylar's still lying in that damn cell, and he sees a vision of Angela Petrelli, who says "make mommy proud." All of the sudden he breaks through his handcuffs and busts out of the cell. Could the former supervillain murderer have done that all along, or did he need mommy? Chalk one up to the power of parental love. Elle tells Claire she wants to go to Pinehearst, says "we're off to see the wizard."

Weakness: Heroes writers think Heroes viewers are all seven years old.

More family matters: Arthur Petrelli wants Daphne to kill Parkman. Parkman's dad protests. AP offs him. Then, when Daphne goes to Parkman's place to shoot him, he says "we're going to love each other." She drops the gun. Then she tells him his dad is dead. If this relationship ever gets off the ground, it's going to have some Dr. Phil level problems. Meanwhile, Peter, sans his powers, comes after his father. That's not gonna work. Mohinder is going to inject PP, but Sylar comes in, cuts PP loose. Mohinder attacks Sylar, starts bashing his head in. Arthur tells Mohinder "that's my son." What is it with all this daddy mommy stuff?

Power: This episode is making me examine my relationship with my parents. I'm off to see the therapist.

Tracy and Nathan are in Mohinder's lab with the webs, and a guy reaches out and grabs Tracy's neck. It's actually scary. HRG pops in out of nowhere and stops the webbed choker. Scariness over. Claire and Elle are taking a plane to Pinehearst, Elle's nervous and angry, and her electricity is out of control. It starts messing up the plane, which looks like it'll crash. Claire says "dump your electricity into me." Claire takes it all inside her, the plane levels off, and after both Claire and Elle are leaning back and breathing heavy. Huh. That wouldn't have been on Growing Pains.

The guy from The Wire comes up on Parkman and Daphne, and seems to punch straight through Parkman. But no! It was a trick! He only thought he punched his hand through Parkman, because Parkman was messing with his brain. Aw, that's too bad. Sylar confronts Arthur Petrelli, and says "my mother accepts me for who I am," and "my mother loves me." AP tells him his mother wanted to kill him, and he found her drowning him in the tub. And that's not love? Then Peter attacks his father, yelling at Sylar "he hurt mom!" Does somebody need a hug? Instead, Sylar flings Peter through a window - and he falls seven stories, but somehow, despite not having powers, survives the fall - a topic that is discussed incessantly over the last ten minutes of the episode. Apparently, Sylar used his powers to slow down his bro's fall. Nathan and Claire come upon PP, and Peter tells his brother about how their father is alive- and really mean.

Nathan: "Pete, this is our dad we're talking about here."

Claire: "Believe me, dads aren't always what they seem." So true.

Tracy and Nathan decide they're going to Pinehearst, and the episode closes back with Hiro and Ando in Africa with the spirit walker, eating a paste he made from trees and hyena dung. (So of the two black people this episode, one feeds off fear and the other is a shit-eating African. Great.) After eating the shit paste, Hiro passes out. Will he be okay? You know, over there in another country without his mommy and daddy?

To be Continued...(In two weeks)

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

"Heroes" Episode 5: You Got Something On Your Shirt

Jake Kalish — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 16:29:00 GMT

More blogging about this season of Heroes from Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights, and reclining superhero whose secret ability is being able to see images from other times and places... through the magic screen in his secret lair!!! Oh, also, he's invisible; you knew that, right?:

Gaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Sorry, having trouble composing my thoughts into anything more than primal screams of anger, fear, confusion, and worry. I'm like a lion cub separated from its pride. Who just had to sit through the worst television program ever. I'm serious. You know how I said last episode was a step forward? Well, this episode was Daphne the Speedster high-tailing it backward.

We start with narrator guy telling me Arthur Petrelli is "The most powerful villain of all." Okay, then I guess he is. Kind of thought you were supposed to show me that stuff, television being a visual medium, but I'll take your word for it. Then we're with Hiro and Ando, just before Hiro stabs Ando. Sure enough, as I suspected, it's not a real stabbing - but it's worse than that. Hiro time travels back a few minutes to get a phony dull sword and a fake bag of blood, and tell Ando to fake his death.

Ando's Superpower: Acting! Genius! Thank You! (Sorry, that's an old-ass reference. Here.)

Meanwhile, Claire's all teenagery, wanting to fight bad guys, and her adoptive mother decides to go with her. Pardon me:

AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It isn't just that this makes absolutely no sense, or that Claire has to be out of her mind to allow her ditzy mother, who can't even remember where she put the dog, out to fight a supervillain. It's also that the actress who plays Claire's mother is mind-blowingly awful. Reaction shots are one thing; don't actually give her something to do. Also, sorry, but not everybody gets to be a superhero. A good thing about Season One was the difference between public and private lives, heroes and regular folks. But now Claire's mom is fighting crime, and Mohinder's sticking people in webs. But we'll get to him later. Claire and Mom are after the pervy Puppeteer, the one good, creepy thing about this whole show. The Puppeteer has Claire's biological mom captive, and is trying to make her love him. Didn't he ever hear that Bonnie Raitt song? Then the guy from The Wire takes Adam Monroe in to see Arthur Petrelli, and explains his special power: "I get strong off other people's fear."

Q: Why they gotta give that power to the black guy?

Arthur Petrelli grabs Adam Monroe's hand and makes him age until he becomes dust. I'll give it a chance, but this Arthur Petrelli thing has a real deus ex machina feel to it.

Arthur Petrelli's Superpower: tying up plotlines.

Tracy and Nathan go to meet Dr. Soresh to talk about this mysterious (and also newly intoduced) Dr. Zimmerman, who gave them their powers. And Parkman meets Daphne, who he knows from his headphone-induced African visions he will marry in the future. But when he starts telling a woman he just met they're soulmates, she thinks he's "stalky." Mohinder takes Tracy and Nathan down with the needle that's supposed to help them, and is clearly waiting to put them in his web like foxy Maya, who needs to bust out of that web and save this episode with her superhuman hotness. No such luck. Daphne tries to spring Sylar and get him to work with her, handing him the new Pinehearst Industries card, which has that sinister infinity symbol. Which is about how many years it will take for me to recover from this episode.

The pervy Puppeteer figures out Claire's adoptive mom is after him, and takes control of her. Don't fight crime with your mother. He gets Claire, biological mom, and adoptive mom to play Russian Roulette - but when adoptive mom shoots Claire, she of course can't die, and while he's doing the cliched villainous premature celebration, Claire comes up from behind and knocks him out. And just like that, the one cool thing about the episode is gone. Oh, hold up a sec.

I HATE YOU FOR DOING THIS TO ME, TIM KRING. I WILL NEVER GET THIS HOUR OF MY LIFE BACK.

Okay, sorry. Daphne goes to visit Soresh, and sees his evil webs. She should totally spring foxy Maya from the evil web and start making out with her. It would make as much sense as anything else. Doesn't happen. Now Peter Petrelli and Sylar visit Angela Petrelli, and PP looks inside his mom's head to see what's wrong, and sees that same double helix-ish infinity-y symbol. I know, I'm supposed to be intrigued. Then, for reasons that aren't totally clear, Peter and Sylar get into a fight, and Petey beats his bro's ass. This is at least some action, but then it only amounts to Sylar being back in his cell. Where he's been for the better part of forever.

Zachary Quinto's Weakness: Rooms on the Universal Lot that look like prison wards

Tracy and Nathan are shackled and lying down in Mohinder's lab, and Tracy starts talking to Mohinder sympathetically about what he's going through, and reaches out her hand. He takes it, and she freezes him, but only enough for him to fall backward dramatically. Apologies:

My Weakness: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

This is so dumb. This guy's a genius scientist and he can't figure out he shouldn't take the hand of his captive, who he's already seen freeze things with her hands? Back to Daphne and Parkman, who tells the wife of his dreams that Pinehearst Industries will kill her. Not the way to get the girl. The African spirit guide shows Hiro and Ando paintings of "the villains you seek." Cut to these villains, and Peter Petrelli trying to stop them. Then he sees the leader is his dad, who he assumed to be dead. Arthur Petrelli says "come give your father a hug," and then , during the hug, takes all his son's powers, like it was his bouncy ball. That's right, same stupid elementary school "come over here" trick twice in ten minutes, after starting with the Hiro and Ando fake blood gag. My prediction is episode 6 will be entitled "Hey! Your Shoelace is Untied."

To Be Continued......

-- Jake Kalish

PREVIOUSLY:
Our Heroes Archive

Wake Up And Smile: Obama's October Surprise Might Be A November "SNL" Cameo

Bryan Christian — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 13:26:00 GMT

Time for another Halloween party at the Clinton's? Maybe... plus the latest on David Duchovny, Sarah Silverman, Terminator, Dollhouse, the Thursday ratings battle between Life on Mars and Eleventh Hour, plus -- does someone die on both Gossip Girl and Heroes this November?

-- Seth Meyers may have let slip plans for an Obama guest spot on Saturday Night Live the weekend before the election. But, then again, the rightwinger guy who claims to have heard this from an unnamed aide to Governor Sarah Palin also claims to know that John McCain consulted Lorne Michaels about picking Governor Palin as his running mate, so, you know, moron.

-- A tennis instructor was claiming to have been involved in the conspiracy known as David Duchovny's humpin' around until she backed off those claims suddenly. She now claims to have been fucking the planet Venus.

-- "Great Schlepper" Sarah Silverman bombed big time in London earlier this week, in front of Brit comedy luminaries like David Walliams and the guys from The Boosh. Turns out no one in England knows what a vagina is.

-- Nerds webwide are rejoicing the full season pickup for Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles... except the ones that believe it cost them Dollhouse.

-- Thursdasy night's ratings continue to get interesting, except for the part where the subpar and insulting Eleventh Hour is now beating Life on Mars. Maybe give Michael Imperioli a shave or something?

-- E! says someone is dying in November on both Heroes and Gossip Girl, but we hate spoilers, so don't call us unless it's actually a crossover and Suresh eats Chuck Bass or something.

"Heroes": No Day But Today (Thank Great Caesar's Ghost!)

Jake Kalish — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 15:30:00 GMT

Remember last week when we said that the Heroes defection might be upon us? Well, it's definitely still on -- except for here on The Remote Island, where we're starting to get into the third season a little. Here with our weekly recap, Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights.

Finally. BY FAR, the best episode of the season. And, not coincidentally, the first one without time travel.

Stuff actually happened! There were real fights, not in hyperspeed. There was moral ambiguity. And, most importantly, it felt like stuff mattered; like our heroes were in danger. With all the time travel and rising from the dead, one got the sense no matter what terrible crap happened, it could all be fixed - so why should we care?

There have been a lot of theories about how Heroes has gone wrong this season and last, and many of them have centered around the lack of conflict; that, in a superhero show, good guys should actually be fighting bad guys. That's a problem, but to me, especially this season, it wasn't the big one. The big problem was nothing was at stake. If the Heroes can just go back in time, if Peter Petrelli can watch Peter Petrelli get shot, if Claire Bennett can know she will never die, then even if they say they have to "save the world," it feels like nothing matters - everybody gets do-overs, like the awkward kids in a gym class kickball game. Peter Petrelli has unbelievable superpowers; you don't need to give him four strikes. Look, superheroes' weaknesses are almost as important as their strengths. If Lex Luthor gets a hold of some Kryptonite, Superman's in trouble. For chrissakes, Daredevil is blind. But the time travel in Heroes made it so that those weaknesses, even death, seemed fairly irrelevant - and would anyone care about Achilles if not for his heel?

Done with my lecture; feel much better now. Episode 4 opens with Nathan asking "Am I an angel or a monster?" He wonders if Linderman is a messenger from God. Meanwhile, Soresh is twitching like a junkie and Peter Petrelli is pissed, snapping Sylar's neck after the meanie calls him "brother." Sylar snaps his broken neck back into place, Angela Petrelli comes in to break up this dustup between her boys, Peter starts slicing open her head, and Sylar flings him into the glass wall. Now that's a dysfunctional family.

But it's not the only one. Claire's rebelling against Dad, and wants a taste of her first bad guy. Rather than getting wasted and making out with Russell Brand , she decides to take on a dude who creates vortexes and makes people disappear forever - in other words, the one fellow who could actually do her in. Claire shocks him with her stun gun, and it feels so good. Meanwhile, Hiro is being choked by Adam Monroe. They decide to work together to find the formula. We see that Daphne the speedster sees Linderman too, and is talking to him. Sylar and HRG are being wacky partners, and Vortex guy wakes up and whips Claire's gun into a vortex. Uh-oh.

Meanwhile, Sylar goes up to a drug dealer in a park and explains that he doesn't want his stuff, he wants him. Apparently, this is not Mohinder going all George Michael, as we cut to him dragging a bloody pusherman through his apartment, back to his lab. Foxy Maya shows up later all dressed like a Boricua Mami in some tight-ass pants and I wonder if the Heroes writers are just working out all their fantasies about Hispanic women in one character. Soresh and Maya make out a little, and I am surprised she does not say "Ay, Papi." Cut to the Doc's lab, where some dude is caught in a cocoon of fly goo.

Vortex guy is explaining his case to Claire. He seems sympathetic, saying he just wants to see his family. Claire offers him help. Tracy Strauss wants to turn herself in for freezing reporter William Katt, formerly The Greatest American Hero. Nathan explains she can't do that. Then, as Claire is about to help Vortex guy, HRG shows up with Sylar to take him out, totally confusing poor little Claire. In the confusion, dude whips up one hell of a vortex - and when Claire is about to fly in, Sylar saves her! Who's good? Who's bad? Don't matter, 'cause they's fighting, and I likes it.

Hiro and Ando go with Adam Monroe to a bar, where Adam gets into a fight with the bartender. In the scuffle, Hiro gets decked and Adam gets away. Angela Petrelli has put her son Peter in a coma. Tracy Strauss and boyfriend Nathan P get into it with Angela over Dr. Zimmerman, who apparently gave both of them their abilities. Maya discovers Mohinder's cocoons, gets upset, and starts with the old ink eye, almost killing Soresh, before she pulls it back. I notice every time people get over almost being killed by Maya, their gasps are distinctly postcoital. Ah, le petit mort.

Hiro and Ando lose Adam Monroe - but then the dude from The Wire takes him out with one punch. Soresh puts Maya in his cocoon of fly goo - so not a good look for her. HRG has a gun to Vortex guy's head, and tells him to vortex Sylar out of existence. Vortex guy says "I won't be a monster," and vortexes himself. Excellent, although I totally would have gone with being a monster in that situation. Hiro wants to join up with the dude from The Wire and Daphne the Speedster, and says he's a bad ass. Dude from the Wire says if you're such a bad ass, stab Ando wit this sword. Hiro does it! My guess is he'll be going back in time to fix that little problem, which makes me sad.

Back in the car ride with Claire, HRG, and Sylar, we've got some tension, given that Sylar knows HRG tried to have him killed. He tells Claire HRG doesn't understand them. Will Claire ally with bad dudes with superpowers or her own daddy? It's the classic teenage girl question, but the fate of the world might rest on her decision. And I'm wondering why, if Sylar's such a monster, he didn't take out HRG right there in the car? Guy tried to have him offed. Don't get it.

Meanwhile, Claire's biological mom, with the fire hands, is telling some gross fat guy to go to hell when he shuts her mouth and she leans in to kiss him. We see some marionettes and realize that's this guy's power - he's The Puppeteer. I like that power, and I like that a disgusting fat guy has it - not like Zapped, where the power to telekenetically strip girls naked was totally wasted on Scott Baio, who could land Pamela Anderson, Heather Locklear, and Denise Richards without the telekenesis. Linderman is talking to Daphne the speedster, and telling her she has to get Parkman over to their side - looking at his fat , stupid head in the confidential file, it occurs to me he hasn't been in this episode! Maybe that's why I've enjoyed it so thoroughly.

Angela Petrelli has a vision of the future in which she sees Nathan, Tracy, and Peter all killed, Peter with a knife in the back of his head. She comes upon the mysterious older man who did this, who we only see from the back. Cut to Parkman's dad, who we discover has been responsible for these visions of Linderman folks been seeing. He comes upon a bedridden man to report on recent developments, and says "whatever you say goes, Mr. Petrelli." Pan back, and we see the man in the bed is also the man from Angela Petrelli's vision, Robert Forster, apparently taking a break from his motivational speaking engagements.

To Be Continued...

-- Jake Kalish

PREVIOUSLY:
"Heroes": How Not To Put The Nuclear Back In Family
"Heroes": Sylar Joins The Super Fuzz

The "Heroes" Defection May Be Upon Us

Bryan Christian — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 17:32:00 GMT

We're actually just starting to get into Heroes again, now that they're giving Zachary Quinto something to do, they're ripping off The Fly so hamfistedly that it's practically a Max Fischer production, and, erm, Dania Ramirez.

But not everyone's interest has been piqued. In fact, we could very well say that the show -- now in its third season -- is officially starting to alienate even the fans and critics who stuck with it through its ill-conceived second season. Says Maureen Ryan for the Chicago Tribune's Watcher, in a blog post entitled "That's It, Heroes, I'm Done":

Once again, this show is presenting us with a story line that has characters traveling back and forth in time and trying to prevent all sorts of bad things that will happen in a few years.

Here’s a radical idea, and it’s one that the heroes on the show have never pursued for long: What if they just fought bad guys – or those among the superpower-enhanced who turn evil – right now? Enough with the time silliness already!

And Ryan's not alone. At the end of her post she notes a number of other critics who are voicing similar complaints, and indeed the numbers for Heroes were down a million viewers from the already unimpressive previous week's numbers in a throroughly underperforming season.

So, have Peter, Nathan, Sylar, Ringo, and Ookla the Mok met their end? We hope not; Jake Kalish's updates are one of the highlights of our Tuesdays. Also, erm, Dania Ramirez.

PREVIOUSLY:
"Heroes": How Not To Put The Nuclear Back In Family
"Heroes": Sylar Joins The Super Fuzz
"Heroes" Season Premiere Encounters Ratings Kryptonite
Suresh on "Heroes"... Remind You of Anyone?

"Heroes": How Not To Put The Nuclear Back In Family

Bryan Christian — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 17:26:00 GMT

Lots to get through this week -- no, really, like you have no freaking idea -- so let's get straight to Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights, with his notes...

The episode opens with Soresh talking into his tape recorder about his “rash”, which has resulted in the secretion of some goo. Hey, buddy, I got one of those too, but you don't see me talking about it. Tracy Strauss, we discover, was separated at birth from her two sisters and given powers as the subject of an experiment by Dr. Zimmerman, on orders of the company. I am forced to wonder why all sinister scientists must have German accents. I want just one that sounds like Urkel. Parkman is in Africa, trying on headphones that allow him to see the future. Radio Shack, here I come! Four years into the future, everyone's got abilities, and is flying all over the place. “Abilities are the new weapon of choice,” says Future Peter Petrelli to Present Peter Petrelli. Well, then I'm completely unarmed. Future Pete tells Present Pete “You can't make the same mistakes as me,” and before we can consider whether that's inevitable, Claire shoots Future Pete. She's wearing dark eyeliner, so you can tell she's evil. Unfortunately, she only shot one of the two Peter Petrellis, so she's got more work to do.

Observation: Time travel makes murdering a real pain in the ass.

Meanwhile, Hiro and Ando are bickering, and invisible Malcolm McDowell/Linderman is advising Nathan Petrelli, telling him he'll be President. But where's the old ultraviolence?

Question: Who's more evil, Alex Delarge or Sylar?

Maya sighting! More specifically, her cleavage! Soresh bitches at her because his rash has made him irritable, and then she's out of my life, or at least off my TV screen. No! Well, at least they made the most of her appearance with that shirt. Present Peter is now 4 years in the future, where he encounters Soresh, whose face is hidden in the shadows of some Obi Wan Kenobi cloak. Doc sounds terrible, and we can see his hands are all f'd up. Also in the future, Present Peter encounters Sylar, who's all domestic, making waffles for his little boy.

Question: Whaaaaaaatttt?

Zachary Quinto has been all kinds of jerked around this season – he's a supervillain, then he's a cop, now he's Mr. Mom? Dammit, I took writing classes in college, and from what I remember, there's supposed to be some internal logic to plot and character. Surprising is good, nonsensical not so much. [Ed.: We’ve got a theory that after getting to play young Spock, Quinto had enough mojo to demand more of his character than just scowling. Gotta give those evil eyebrows a rest sometimes!] Plus, what's with killers making kids breakfast this TV season? Last week on Dexter, Dex was making Cody and Astor pancakes. You think Jeffrey Dahmer liked French toast? And what was in his breakfast sausage? Also in the future, Parkman is married to Daphne the speedster (tough break, speedster) and they've got a baby girl. Molly also lives with them… and she's somehow the same goddamn age.

Question: Does Molly have the ability to avoid puberty?

Still in the future, Eyeliner Claire and the guy from The Wire come to Costa Verde to get Present Peter Petrelli, who's with Mr. Mom Sylar. In the ensuing superbattle (annoyingly done in weird hyperspeed, so everything's a blur and you have no idea what's happening) Sylar's little boy dies, and Sylar gets so mad he becomes an atomic bomb and blows up all 200,000 people in Costa Verde. Oh, and back in the present, Ali Larter/Tracy Strauss is depressed enough to jump off a bridge, but Flying Nathan Petrelli swoops in to save her.

Observation: This is an upsetting episode, with an attempted suicide, a child dying, a town exploding, and both Parkman and Soresh dealing with rashes.

Back 4 years in the future, Costa Verde is gone, and President Nathan Petrelli is married to Tracy Strauss. Claire has Present Peter Petrelli lying down and tied, and is slowly, tortuously slicing PPP's chest, Dexter-style. Is this what Paneteirre and Ventimiglia are like behind closed doors? President P gets Claire to let his bro loose, telling her to quit as both her father and the President – woah, we’d forgotten they were all family; so kinky -- and tells Peter “there's a goodness to man.” PPP must not agree, because he starts slicing up Nathan's head. This clearly freaks Present Peter out, because he teleports himself back to the present – possibly leaving Nathan for dead -- and Sylar's cell, where he gets into a dust-up with his newly discovered brother, who tells him “you have the hunger.” Don't go to the dark side, young Anakin. Back to The Future Parkman. Costa Verde just exploded, and Daphne his speedster wife falls into his arms, saying she wasn't fast enough. Then Present Parkman wakes up from his headphone-induced vision, and his African spirit guide quotes Carl Jung.

Now Angela Petrelli is with Hiro and Ando, and sends them on a quest. They dig up the grave of Takeso Kensei/Adam Monroe, open it, and boom! He's back alive and strangling Hiro. Don't nobody stay dead on this show?

To Be Continued...

-- Jake Kalish

PREVIOUSLY:
"Heroes": Sylar Joins The Super Fuzz
"Heroes" Season Premiere: We Never Thought We Could Feel So Free

"Heroes": Sylar Joins The Super Fuzz

Bryan Christian — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 19:34:00 GMT

"So I says to the guy, I says "Jesus, buddy, I don't care how you got up there, just get outta my face while I'm trying to destroy the world here." Right? Am I right?

Time for another installment of our Heroes recaps with Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights. This week: Sylar flirts with being a good guy, Hiro goes to the movies, and Parkman needs some sunscreen.

I understand that traditionally, second episodes can be a lot of setup and very little payoff, especially in a plot-heavy series with double digit storylines. But, watching this show, it occurred to me that what they really need is a hero with the superpower of television writing, and quickly. Calling David Simon Man!

The confusion begins with Nathan Petrelli, now the junior senator from New York, pacing in his office, meeting Ali Larter/Tracy Strauss who totally doesn't remember having sex with him, even though it's on videotape. So awkward. Oh, wait; that's because she's not Niki Sanders – who, of course, wasn't herself then either, being her amoral alter ego Jessica.

Lesson: No one wants to admit to screwing Nathan Petrelli. Poor Adrian Pasdar. What, too swarthy?

Meanwhile, we learn Nathan's mom Angela gave up Sylar for adoption. Ah, that's what made him an evil murderer. Way to encourage adoptions. The bro Nathan knows about, Peter (well, the present-day version) is stuck in this criminal Jesse's body, and has to go along with the five other “Villains” as they go to rob a bank. A regular old bank heist? For 21st century supervillains? The whole thing seems a little too retro, like any second one of 'em will start screaming “Attica!” Adoptive parent HRG has to go get these villains – but, by orders of Ms. Petrelli, he'll do it with his new partner Sylar, while Claire sits at home with her fiery biological mom. These adoptive/biological storylines feel like a very special episode of Maury - “behind that door is the mother you never knew – and she's got superpowers!” But this is the Season 2 theme: “Save Ourselves, Save The World.” Somehow, by searching within, they'll get the bad guys. It's awful self-helpy, and it brings up a question:

Question: Is the search for self truly a heroic journey? Discuss.

Anyway, this partnership means Sylar is at least a good-ish guy now, which is as disorienting to me as when Macho Man Savage stopped being a heel. The commercial break can't come too soon, and I switch to CNN to see Ben “Bueller” Stein on Larry King, pontificating about the failed bailout and the market's 777-point drop.

Weakness: Technopathist Micah Sanders should have worked his magic on them stock tickers, saved America a trillion dollars.

Back to NBC. Hiro and Ando are still trying to get the formula back from the speedster, but she's already sold it to the Haitian. Boring-ass, sunburned Parkman is in the African desert, doing something called a Spirit Walk – then he sees paintings of his life on some rocks, done by his spirit guide, who's apparently had to spend a good portion of his life looking into Matt Parkman's future. That's a shitty deal for a spirit guide. Regardless, this is a season 1 storyline, but in a different climate, with different materials. Maybe season 3 will have a collage of the future? Some papier mache?

Suddenly, one of the villainous bank robbers realizes evil Jesse isn't really evil Jesse, and I'm amazed someone knows what the hell is going on. But of course, the smart bank robber was played by Jamie Hector from The Wire, and he might not be able to play dumb.

Superpower: The Heroes writers have the ability to confuse everyone – characters, viewers, even themselves

Superpower: ... except for Marlo Stanfield.

But hey, things start to make a hell of a lot more sense when future Peter Petrelli shows up to argue with present Peter Petrelli, and release him from Jesse's body. Lots of acting by Milo Ventimiglia, that scene's definitely going on his demo reel. I'm lost and restless, and have to ask: where the hell is foxy Maya? Generally sensible HRG tries to break up the bank robbery, an uncharacteristically dopey plan, and he's about to get offed when unstable partner Sylar shows and starts wrecking shit. Lethal Weapon with superpowers, anyone? Similarities end when Sylar lets Marlo get away in order to slice open evil Jesse's head. Meanwhile, Claire's biological mom lets her play hooky to try to become a hero, and winds up teaching her daughter a life lesson by making her think she's going to suffocate. “You gotta learn to save yourself before you can save the world.” Got it, Dr. Phil.

Ali Larter/Tracy Strauss is also having some self-help problems, what with having a doppelganger she never knew about. She goes to visit Micah Sanders in New Orleans, and though he immediately realizes the woman who looks exactly like his mother is not his mother (what is it with these people?) he does use his superhacking mind to find out that Tracy Strauss and Niki Sanders were delivered in the same hospital on the same day, by a certain Dr. Zimmerman. Tracy goes to visit the good doctor, and he says he “created” them both. HRG and Sylar get the villains they caught locked back up, and we learn that HRG plans to kill Sylar.

To Be Continued...

-- Jake Kalish

PREVIOUSLY:
"Heroes" Season Premiere: We Never Thought We Could Feel So Free

The Weekly Rewind: Playing Politics

Ben Kallen — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 21:50:00 GMT

When did the political process turn into the world's biggest reality show? Now the candidates have become so much a part of our daily entertainment, they might as well be on The Hills. We'll look back at them and much, much more, as we review the many highlights of the week.

We tried to figure out what makes David Spade such a stud with women, but couldn't do it.

We tried to warn 90210 star Shenae Grimes about what happened to former 90210 star Shannen Doherty. And hoped Donnie Wahlberg wouldn't turn into Tara Reid.

We imagined a Kanye West puppet show.

We watched as Robot Chicken spoofed Heroes. Then we watched Heroes, and wondered why Dr. Suresh reminded us of Jeff Goldblum.

We saw what would happen if William Shatner fought himself, and if Mr. Spock faced Dr. Spock. But when the old 90210 fought the new 90210, it was no contest.

We read about how Clay Aiken had come out as Clay Aiken.

We learned a ridiculous amount about '80s teen star Kirk Cameron. Go ahead, ask us anything.

We heard Will Ferrell's response to his fans, and a band's sweet, sweet Lost music, and Idol winner David Cook's retro new single.

We watched the Emmys, then recapped the Emmys, then boasted about predicting many of the winners. We appreciated Josh Groban's weirdly cool theme-song medley, and we really appreciated Mad Men's Christina Hendricks in her Emmy dress. And we enjoyed Jimmy Kimmel's Emmy-related musical number with Salma Hayek, mostly because it involved Salma Hayek.

We enjoyed Bill Clinton on Letterman, then enjoyed Chris Rock making fun of Bill Clinton on Letterman, then enjoyed Dave making fun of John McCain for not going on Letterman. We were dumbfounded by Katie Couric's interview with Sarah Palin, and by a certain phrase describing President Bush. We heard what Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert talk about when they start getting real. We heard the debates over the debate.

,,, And then we read Barack Obama's pep talk from President Bartlet. And then Chris Rock said this, and we were done for the week.

Previously:
The Weekly Rewind: Sex and the Country

"Heroes" Season Premiere Encounters Ratings Kryptonite

Bryan Christian — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 14:33:00 GMT

... and its name is Dancing With The Stars.

The network's 8-9 p.m. recap special drew an un-heroic 6 million viewers. Then, the two-hour premiere reached only 10 million viewers, down about 29 percent from the 14.1 million who tuned in for season 2's premiere.

... while that same night...

Whether they came for the dancing or to gawk at Cloris Leachman's cleavage, most TV eyes last night were tuned into ABC's two-hour premiere of Dancing With the Stars (pictured). The first episode reached 21.1 million viewers, according to overnight ratings...

io9 has a few thoughts on why Heroes stumbled out of the gate. No mention of Kim Kardashian's ass, weirdly, but they do have a few other incisive thoughts. They can be summed up as follows: the hour-long gala recap was obnoxious; the second season was actually worse than people realized; it's been summer full of superheroes already.

And then, if you actually needed a demonstration of how much of a jam Heroes might be in, they offer one final piece of advice:

Let's start by killing off the two Deus Ex Machinas, Peter and Sylar, and go from there...

We agree; for all the ripping off of other, better superheroes this show does, you'd think they'd have figured out that the The Superman Problem doesn't just apply to one person. It can apply to a whole narrative as well. If your characters can basically do anything -- maybe not all the time, but sometimes -- then conflict, danger, and victories are all that much less interesting.

Heroes guys: maybe you should quit reading Watchmen and old X-Mens over and over and have a look at something new?

PREVIOUSLY:
Suresh on "Heroes"... Remind You of Anyone?
"Heroes" Season Premiere: We Never Thought We Could Feel So Free

Suresh on "Heroes"... Remind You of Anyone?

Ben Kallen — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 19:10:00 GMT

Last night on Heroes, the plot line involving Dr. Suresh seemed awfully familiar. In fact, it appeared to be stolen from... er, a tribute to a character from one of our favorite science-fiction films.

So who did he remind us of?

Brundlefly, of course. After injecting himself with a superhero serum, the idealistic scientist went into Jeff Goldblum overdrive: He suddenly had a huge amount of strength and stamina, could climb up walls, became a dynamo in bed, enjoyed walking around with his shirt off, and ended up picking gross skin growths off his body. Actor Sendhil Ramamurthy even looked like Goldblum in The Fly.

Was this an intentional shout-out? We're guessing yes.

More important, will the show continue down this path? If so, it won't be pretty.

Previously:
Heroes Season Premiere
A Haiku for the Return of Heroes

"Heroes" Season Premiere: We Never Thought We Could Feel So Free

Bryan Christian — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 18:49:00 GMT

One of the big questions of this year is "Will Heroes get its powers back?" After a lackluster sophomore season, creator Tim Kring has promised to amp up the show considerably this year, introducing way more about the dark side of Peter, Claire, and the rest (and, one presumes, avoiding all time travel to Boringville). Plus NBC pulled out all the stops promoting the new "Villains" storyline, throwing a gala bash and letting them open with a two-hour movie premiere.

But did it work? We've yet again enlisted the aid of imaginary fights expert Jake Kalish to help us figure it out.

As a published author on the much-researched subject of imaginary fights, I hope to offer some much needed expert insight to this third season of Heroes. Periodically, in the course of discussing the program, I will attempt to elucidate some overlooked abilities and weaknesses evident in the program, while eliminating your need to actually watch the show. Save your Tivo, save the world. So here goes:

I turn on my TV at 8:58, to see NBC and the Heroes stars giving an extended countdown to the show's premiere. Anybody want to celebrate themselves?

Weakness: An inflated sense of self-importance. You're a TV show, not a New Year.

The show begins 4 years in the future, with Claire pointing a gun at Peter. Hey! They're a real-life couple. This'll be such an adorable murder! But no – Peter time travels back 4 years, and Future Peter shoots his brother Nathan, as Present Peter runs after Future Peter, and Bill and Ted leave George Carlin in the phone booth to go talk to Bill and Ted. Nathan's dead – but in Heroes, that's no biggie. Surprise! So not dead anymore.

Ability: To make death seem temporary and irrelevant. What'll happen if I stand in front of an oncoming train?

Meanwhile, Hiro has inherited his father's power and fortune, and is acting like a complacent, bored little rich boy. His Daddy left him a tape saying not to open a safe and look inside, or the world will be in danger – but Hiro wants to. When did one of TV's coolest characters turn into a spoiled little baby? Sylar pays Claire a visit in Cali, and the show is genuinely creepy and scary, for maybe the first time since season 1. That's what I'm talking about! Still, I find myself wondering what sort of simian Zachary Quinto most resembles.

Winner: Rhesus monkey.

Maya the foxy murderous Latina has almost totally lost her accent, and now has the vocabulary of a television writer. Her hidden ability is clearly language acquisition. Still, she's so absurdly hot nothing matters, and I lose track of the show's next three minutes. Your loss is my Kleenex's gain. (Ed: Ew.) My refractory period begins with Hiro, of course, taking what he's not supposed to – some sort of secret formula, which is stolen by a Speedster – a speed-of-sound-traveling cute blonde with spiky hair. She's fast? Really? That's what they came up with? Future Peter then morphs into Present Peter (which means losing the big mean scar running down his face) to phase Parkman somewhere far away, which has the much-welcomed effect of taking that dopey schlub out of the show for a good long time.

Weakness: For all their powers, the Heroes villains have no ability to avoid looking like villains.

A not dead Nathan Petrelli is really into Jesus, and, in a church, says “Save ourselves, save the World,” which seems like it'll be the theme for this season. Please see Weakness #1. Thankfully, we go back to Sylar and Claire. After a good ol' horror movie chase, he opens her head, and examines her brain. Then, weirdly, he gets all philosophical, asking “How do we make love stay?” She asks “Are you going to eat it?” This would be excellent bedroom dialogue, were she not talking about her brain. Sylar takes on Claire's healing powers, but doesn't kill her – because, apparently, Claire can never die. She is strangely unpsyched to hear this news. Hiro looks into the future to see what will go wrong. It's bad, but future fucked up Tokyo still looks super cool. Back to Mohinder and foxy Maya. She is still just as Kleenexworthy, but, not being a superhero myself, I have to let the moment pass. Mohinder discovers that Maya's death power is adrenalin based – and concludes that he can just take her adrenalin, and we all can be superheroes. Power junkie Dr. Soresh injects himself with superhero juice, and for no good reason, starts quoting W.B. Yeats' The Second Coming. Things fall apart, indeed. Then Angela Petrelli starts talking to Peter about the Butterfly Effect, and suddenly it's my sophomore year of college. She tells her son we shouldn't mess with time. Good point, but then what the hell was Hiro doing those first two seasons? Back to doped-up Mohinder, who is climbing walls and doing backflips while shirtless – and ripped! Maya happens upon him all Skinemax style. Those are two very good looking brown people. He kisses her, rips off her shirt, takes her down to Doctor Town. Go Soresh!

Ali Larter sighting – she's got a new name, Tracy Strauss, and is working as a governor's aide. A reporter comes by asking questions about her stripper past – and, holy hell, that reporter is William Katt, formerly the Greatest American Hero! The Greatest American Hero should so be on this show. Make him Claire's flying boyfriend's kind-of flying doofus father!

Weakness: Lazy Tim Kring misses a clear opportunity to revive The Greatest American Hero.

Kristen Bell/Elle Bishop then goes after Sylar and subdues him with her lightning fingers, but in so doing, she knocks out the power in the Prilotech holding cell and lets six horrible villains out. Hey! That's who this season will be about! And, apparently, Present Peter Petrelli has been trapped in the body of one of the villains by Future Peter Petrelli. What's with that? Reporter Willam Katt approaches Ali Larter with the Nikki Sanders/Nathan Petrelli sex tape, and she turns The Greatest American Hero to ice. Believe it or not, he's chilling your drink.

Back at Horny 'Hinder's home, our favorite doctor is getting some terrible effects from the superhero juice, with lesions opening and his skin flaking off. Sex, drugs, and disease – Soresh can't just change his blood like Keith Richards? You wanna talk about indestructible... Anyway, then we're back with dumpy, boring Parkman, who's somehow in the African desert. Haven't the Africans suffered enough?

Ability: Parkman makes me angry and then sleepy every time he appears onscreen.

Then HRG has to go stop these villains, and Claire wants to fight with Daddy, but her biological mom, the one with fire hands, shows up to take care of her. To add to the parental confusion, at the close of the episode, Angela Petrelli visits a locked-up Sylar, and says she's his mom! To be Continued.....

WTF?: A Darth and Evil Luke moment?

No, don't end like that, bring back Maya for no reason instead. I'm ready for her now.

-- Jake Kalish