The Remote Island : Jerry Springer

Jerry Springer Will Star In "Chicago" In London's West End

Jake Kalish — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 16:33:00 GMT

In the Billy Flynn role. Despite not really being able to act or sing. Although he is a dead ringer for Richard Gere. Jerry's explanation of how the hell he's qualified or prepared to do this:

The role of Billy Flynn is actually one I'm reasonably comfortable with it – I know enough about the character, not just being from Chicago but I'm a lawyer and I'm also in show business. There are elements of the character that I can draw upon I think – I hope I'm not being naïve with this – like talking to the jury and the putting on of a big show.

Nah, sounds like you're being naive. Although this wasn't Springer's idea - they came to him. Performances start June 1st at the Cambridge Theatre, which also hosted the hit Jerry Springer: The Opera - a show Jerry inspired, but in which he did not appear. Anyway, now Jerry Springer's got a little over three months to suddenly turn into Hugh Jackman. At least he's kinda humble about the whole thing:

I'd do better if this was in a newspaper – I have a voice for newspaper and a face for radio.

PREVIOUSLY:

Our Jerry Springer Archive

Nick Cannon Will Host "America's Got Talent"

Jake Kalish — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 21:05:00 GMT

Surprisingly, former host Jerry Springer looks exactly like this with his shirt off...

Mariah Carey's hubby Nick Cannon has been tabbed to host NBC's America's Got Talent, replacing Springer. What's weird is that Cannon is described as a "musician, comedian, actor and producer", which we suppose is technically true, kinda. But it makes it sound like Cannon himself has a lot more talent than he actually does.Whatever, he's got a winning personality, oodles of money, a six-pack, and now a gig as a host on network TV, all by 28. That's already pretty good.

PREVIOUSLY:

Jerry Springer Bails On "America's Got Talent"

Jerry Springer Bails on "America's Got Talent"

Lindy Parker — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 20:00:00 GMT

Alternate title for this post: "Ridiculous show, with even more ridiculous judging panel, gets rid of ridiculous host." Sad news for fans of America's Got Talent, host Jerry Springer will be moving on to bigger and better things this season -- or rather, moving back to the same old stuff he's been doing...

After two seasons, talk-show titan Jerry Springer will not be returning as host of summer reality juggernaut America's Got Talent, he said in a statement. He lists commitments to his talk show and a role in a stage play among the reasons.
The 64-year-old former mayor of Cincinnati experienced a renewal of star power when he appeared on the third season of Dancing With the Stars. He went on to replace Regis Philbin as host of the Simon Cowell-produced competition show for its second cycle. (Yahoo News)

Just one thing we want to take note of here: a stageplay? Why?

Previously:

America's Got Talent: Fake Ozzie Drives Sharon Osbourne to Demand "Pants Off Dance Off"

How Charlie Rose Can Get His Groove Back

Jake Kalish — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 22:00:00 GMT

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie... Is everything OK?

'Cause we see you every night -- no, literally, every single night -- and we have to say: you been looking a little... what? Bored? Distracted? Sleepy? Not sure what it is. Maybe like everyone else in the world, you're still hungover from the election. Maybe you had some money in Madoff's Ponzi scheme that we didn't know about. Maybe Ellen Barkin won't respond to your Facebook poke. (Probably it's the recession forcing you to lay off people you clearly appreciated and relied upon.)

Well, whatever it is, get over it. We don't call you "Charles Rosé" around the Remote Island offices for nothin'. On your best days, you're suave, you won't take no for an answer, and you got the best job in the world and know it. So we've got a few ideas that'll put a pep back in your step in 2009!

1) Maybe that pig's heart you got installed in France in 2006 needs an update? We like pigs -- like us, they're loyal and they love to lay around in their own swill -- but maybe switch it up a little this time. We'd suggest going with either a monkey or a bear. Either one would be strong, but there are caveats. With a monkey heart, you might try to pick nits from your guest's hair, and with a bear heart, well, you'd probably never get Colbert on the program. So choose wisely.

2) Get more sexy womenz up in that piece! We see how you get when Angelina Jolie's at the table with you -- you're like a horny kid at porno Christmas. Well, keep at it man! And don't wait for Cate Blanchett or Jhumpa Lahiri's people to return your calls. Heidi Klum, the ladies of House, Madonna even! Heck, go crazy; Tila Tequila's got a book, right? Hell, dude, let the Real Housewives of New York bring their own liquor and you'll all forget there are cameras, know what we're saying? ("Orgy"; we're saying "Orgy".)

3) Mix up the hair a little. Just 'cause you're on PBS doesn't mean you have to look PBS. Maybe a faux 'hawk, like Maddox Jolie-Pitt, or slicked back like Bowzer of Sha Na Na. Grease for peace, Chuck, and next time Krugman starts going on about his Nobel, you can be like "Talk to the hand, Paulie" and lead Doris Kearns Goodwin off to your office's make-out nook.

4 ) Get just a little more hip. Look, you're not Larry King or anything, fawning over the Osmonds and Manilow, but when your producers book, say, Jay-Z, try not to use phrases like "rap music" or "the n word." Check with Louis C.K. about that last one. Perhaps you could have a producer in charge of hipness. While we're at it, know when folks are messing with you. You had Adam Sandler on a while back, and you said "I was talking with Oprah the other day..." To which he said "Oprah who?" And you said "Oprah Winfrey." He was messing with you, Charlie. People do that sometimes to PBS broadcasters. Be ready.

5) We're not saying you need Botox or surgery or anything. You're an A1 mack daddy and a Grade A pimp and have forgotten more about clandestinely palming the asses of women than we will ever know. All we're saying is they're gonna charge you extra next time you fly with those bags under your eyes, so maybe drop by Kiehl's or something?

Lastly - and this is us thinking a little bit outside the box -brawls. Serious. Knock-down, drag out fistfights, Springer-style. They don't have to make sense - just surprise us. Like, Sir Ben Kingsley says something about preparing to play Gandhi and then someone flies out of the studio audience and tackles him. Henry Kissinger discusses the foreign policy changes the United States has to make and you suddenly hit him with your chair. Think of the excitement! Imagine the tension!

Intelligent conversation only gets us so far, Charlie.

PREVIOUSLY:

Charlie Rose And Bjork Make For Really Weird TV

Charlie Rose Going No Tie?

Can't... Stop... Watching... Steve Wilkos

Jake Kalish — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 17:30:00 GMT

We really shouldn't admit this, but we've been getting stuck watching the Steve Wilkos Show. If you don't know who Steve Wilkos is, that's probably a point in your favor. Steve Wilkos is the giant, baldheaded cop who used to break up the daily fights on The Jerry Springer Show - he got so popular that he became the fill-in host for Jerry, and then got his own show last year.

Not that his show is a Springer ripoff - there's a little Jerry in there, but with some Lockup: Raw, a pinch of Dr.Phil, and a smidge of The Morton Downey Jr. Show. Wilkos is fierce with the verbal smackdowns he administers to meth addicted fathers, illiterate pregnant teenage prostitutes, and pregnant-wife abusers. And those are just this week's shows. Oh, and there was the one with the old babysitter who admitted she killed a baby by putting gin in its bottle - that was a good one, too. Wilkos is scared of no one, and you get the sense he would do really well in prison, which is more than you can say for most daytime talkshow hosts. Can you imagine Rachael Ray in the clink?

Aaagh, we told you this was shameful. Really, it was involuntary - our TV just turned to Wilkos, just like other people's go to NY1. And then he started yelling at "Meth Dad", and we..couldn't..stop. Can you go on Steve Wilkos for your debilitating addiction to Steve Wilkos?