The Grammys 2009: Letter To The Stars

Lindy Parker — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 17:00:00 GMT

First things first, M.I.A -- This is totally our favorite outfit -- sort of like Muppet blood cells under a microscope. When you're done with it, could you just send it our way? We kind of want to start wearing it everywhere we go. However, we were less impressed with your performance outfit...

It's not that we hate the whole "minnie-mouse-goes-gangsta" thing that's happening here, it's just that the sheer stretch lycra over your pregnant stomach gives us pause.

Carrie Underwood -- Girl, please. First this...

Then this...

And then last night, this...

Why must you always wear something that billows? And, is that a harness? Someone get Carson Kressley in here STAT. (P.S. Carrie Underwood's guitar player -- Who the heck are you? You are fierce).

Robert Plant -- We strongly suspect your hair of being crimped...

Leona Lewis -- Can we call you LL Cool Brit? You seem like a no-bullshit kind of girl, so can we just call a spade a spade?

You're wearing a skating costume. Or, more specifically, your dress looks like it was made from the sparkly material figure skaters cover their arms with so that they look nude, but they don't get too cold on the ice.

Simon Baker -- No idea what you're doing at the Grammys other than shamelessly promoting CBS programming, but damn, your glasses are sexy. We're not complaining.

Jordin Sparks -- When we first saw you on the red carpet, you seemed a bit out of sorts (perhaps at the prospect of having to accept your grammy by yourself and deliver an awkward excuse for Chris Brown's absence)...

But now that you've got another Idol by your side, you seem to have pulled it together. That said, we find ourselves mesmerized by your dress, unable to stop staring into its depths in the hope that hidden pictures will emerge, as though from those stereograms popular at mall kiosks c. 1994.

Bai Ling -- Okay, you know what's coming right?

We feel like you're just toying with us at this point, so let us just say this: we quite like your shoes. Truthfully, you could've come to this shindig wearing only the shoes and it would've been less weird than this.

Jay-Z -- We're just going to say it: We have a crush on you...

Come over here, baby. We'll brush those shoulders off.

xoxo,

The Remote Island

"Idol" Vets, Lewises Huey and Jerry Lee In Tonight's 4th Celebrations

Bryan Christian — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 16:47:00 GMT

What, we were supposed to go with pictures of the old guys?

Well, just in case you guys need something on in the background of your big 4th bash, and your Blu-Ray copy of The Right Stuff ("Does he look like the kind of guy that would doo-doo in the cap-sule?") is nowhere to be found, have no fear: the nets have you covered. Somewhat.

NBC, 10PM: Macy's 4th of July Fireworks Spectacular
It's hard to get rid of American Idol alums these days -- they don't miss any opportunity to be in the spotlight -- but we'd be lying if we acted bummed about Season Five's Katharine McPhee showing up pretty much anywhere. Now, does that mean that we'll be tuning into this New York-based celebration, hosted by Tiki Barber and Natalie Morales and featuring Natasha Bedingfield, Kenny Chesney, and fellow Idol alum and Season Six winner Jordin Sparks? Probably not... but really, we crush on her hard, so we make no promises.

CBS, 10PM: Boston Pops Fireworks Spectacular
Country supertars Rascal Flatts join conductor Keith Lockhart and the Boston Pops Orchestra for what we're sure will be rousing and inspiring orchestral versions of, um, whatever hits Rascal Flatts have had. Well, perhaps host Keith Ferguson -- a newly minted convert to Americanity -- will keep things lively.

PBS, 8PM: A Capitol Fourth
Jerry Lee Lewis, God bless him, is a national treasure. But like many of our nation's greatest institutions, he's also seen better days. So we can absolutely guarantee that we will not be subjecting ourselves to his affair, which also features another Idol winner, Taylor Hicks, triple-named triple-threat Brian Stokes Mitchell, and San Franciso's greatest contribution to our nation's culture, Huey Lewis and the News. Yes, we totally want to know how hard Huey and the boys rock these days -- we're guessing pretty hard; they don't seem like the types to half-ass it -- but if we wanted to risk staring into the eyes of a once powerful presence and find ourselves concerned for its future, well, we'd read the national page, thank you very much.

Happy 4th, y'all!

-- Bryan Christian / Bianca Merbaum

The Remote Island : Jordin Sparks

The Grammys 2009: Letter To The Stars

"Idol" Vets, Lewises Huey and Jerry Lee In Tonight's 4th Celebrations