The Remote Island : Lucy Liu

“Dirty Sexy Money”: Little Jeremy’s All Grown Up

Olivia Purnell — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Why Jeremy! You’ve turned into such a . . . man! It took us a whole day to truly absorb this information. But, Jeremy Darling has actually grown a pair.

First of all, lets review the Dirty Sexy facts:

J.Darling has been banging Nola Lyons (the fabulous Lucy Liu) ever since she began prosecuting his mother for murder. Of course, that little conflict of interest got Leticia Darling’s murder case dismissed and Nola disbarred.

But Jeremy Darling liked it, so after he ruined Nola’s career, he tried to put a ring on it. He followed her into his brother’s service working as Patrick Darling’s assistant while she worked as Patty’s chief of staff. Nola got huffy and pretended to hate him. But as any R. Kelly slow jam will tell you, there’s a thin line between love and hate (also, there’s nothing wrong with a little bump and grind).

In a moment of love/weakness/desperation Nola tells little J about her obligation to Simon Elder. The villainous Simon is hiding her little brother and blackmailing her, blah, blah blah, the usual. Instantaneously, like a Chia Pet, Jeremy Darling sprouts a set of balls. He decides that he’s going to save Nola and her brother, and take down Simon Elder! Go Jeremy go! But, then Simon gets word of this little plan and Jeremy takes a hard fall dodging bullets at Patrick’s inauguration. Soooooo, Jeremy resorts to plan B: Pretend Amnesia.

Yes, of course!!! Pretend Amnesia. He gives himself a fake mental disability and protects Nola whilst hiding behind a faux-handicap.

It’s laughable, kind of offensive, and genius all at once.

This must be said: We always assumed that the littlest Darling was only hot because he was on camera with Lucy Liu. We assume that being in Miss Liu’s presence is like standing next to the sun: Everything gets hotter.

And although we’re still sure that Lucy has solar powers, we’re beginning to thing that Seth Gabel’s actually kind of a Baldwin all on his own. Look-a-here:

Plus, cunning and double-crossing and double-agentry are always hot. That's right, Dirty Sexy double-agentry.

“Dirty Sexy Money”: Down and Dirty

Olivia Purnell — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Okay, the Dirty drama escalated really quickly this week. Beginning with the Dirty dealings of one Lucy Liu.

Who doesn’t love it when Lucy Liu gets Dirty?

Luckily, Lucy got lots of facetime as the backstabbing tigress with a heart of gold. She wants to do what’s right, but she’s in Simon Elder’s clutches. She loves, and lusts after Jeremy Darling, but she can’t be with him because Simon’s holding her bro hostage. What to do, Nola Lyons, what to do? Basically she thrashes around in a pond of disaster whilst wearing a fierce white dress and flipping her gorgeous hair.

We’re okay with that.

Speaking of gorgeous. Simon is working overtime as the manipulative mastermind behind Nola’s evil deeds. We love that Simon Elder is an eco friendly villain. He’s like a demented Captain Planet. Captain Planet was the bomb dot com. So when, Blair Underwood growls:

“Do you have any idea what it would mean if I could manufacture a clean untoxic biofuel right here on an American soil?”

We get a chill on our skin and a smile in our heart. We want him to stop being such a Dirty Sexy Douche Bag, but at the same time . . . waita do what it takes to save the earth, Simon; Go Green!

In a Passions twist this week, Brian Darling makes a deal with God. He straight up goes to the church altar and says he’ll do anything if his baby’s mother survives her bout with cancer. Anything. Miraculously, she begins to recover. And sinner Brian returns to the priesthood. Even though he’s now married. Never mind the details, we guess.

The really big news though, is Patrick Darling’s inauguration as Senator. Everyone’s amped and ready for Patty to be sworn in, even Carmelita, Patrick’s favorite tranny might come. But then (dun-dun-Dun), Patrick’s dead wife’s brother shows up packing heat. Nick George tackle’s the crazy brother in law, but he’s overcome by the brother’s psycho strength. Shots are fired . . . and, scene! To be continued.

“Dirty Sexy Money”: Girl Fight

Olivia Purnell — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 17:00:00 GMT

This week Nick George is caught in the middle of two love triangles, which, we guess, would make it one big love hexagon. Or a love VIN diagram. Or, possibly, it just makes for an all out hair-pulling, face scratching, earring ripping girl fight.

Let’s get into the dirty sexy details shall we?

Dirty Sexy Love Triangle Number 1:
Nick is having some marital issues with Lisa. They want to work it out blah, blah, blah, but the truth is he can’t choose between Lisa and Karen. Lisa finds out about Nick’s indecision, and confronts “skinny slut” Karen (her words, not ours . . . although if the skinny shoe fits . . .). Karen tells Lisa she’s not afraid to fight a fat girl (again, don’t shoot the messenger). And the two throw down in the Darling foyer.

Cut to the aftermath. Enter Jeremy Darling. The littlest Darling has always had a crush on Mrs. Lisa George. Lisa’s vulnerable. Jeremy’s willing and able. So, predictably, the two go at it on the couch in Lisa’s Gallery. Guess that makes this a love square, not a love triangle. A love rectangle, maybe?

Dirty Sexy Love Triangle Number 2:
Leticia Darling goes for a drunken drive one morning and hits a cyclist with her coup. Luckily Wren, our girl cyclist, was wearing a helmet so she’s only slightly concussed. Until she recovers fully, Wren gets to stay with the Darlings. She catches patriarch Tripp’s eye and ends up kissing Nick George on the balcony. What?!? Wren, we know you’ve recently experienced a trauma but after witnessing a crazy Nick-George-love-fueled fistfight in the foyer; you really want to stick your tongue down his throat?

The only person who seemed less crazy this episode was Lucy Liu. Apparently her character, Nola Lyons, isn’t truly a heartless power-hungry lady-shark. She wants to stop exploiting the Darlings, but Simon Elder has her little brother locked away somewhere, and is blackmailing her with her little bro’s whereabouts.

Which brings us to Simon Elder. Blair Underwood was officially named one of People’s Sexiest Men Alive this week. That calls for a little gratuitous Blair, don’t you think?

Dirty Sexy Blair. Loves it.

Next week, the prodigal twin Darling returns. That’s right, Dirty Sexy Samaire Armstrong is back.

Previously:

Dirty Sexy Samaire Armstrong
“Dirty Sexy Money” Lucy Liu Goes Down

Dirty Sexy Samaire Armstrong

Olivia Purnell — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 21:20:00 GMT

Samaire is coming back to Dirty Sexy Money. Although we’re sure she’s both dirty and sexy, we can’t decide if we’re glad to have her back . . .

You remember Samaire; she played the quirky girl character on The O.C., Anna (the prototype for Gossip Girl’s pretty outsider, Vanessa).

Recently she’d switched from quirky outsider to rich girl insider on Dirty Sexy Money, playing Juliet Darling, one of the hard-partying, hissy-fit throwing, high-society Darling twins. However Juliet’s been missing in action during season 2. Ever since Samaire was taken off contract last spring (ouch), her character Juliet has supposedly been off seeing the world. Now, though, Samaire's up to her old Dirty Sexy tricks, reuniting with the rest of the Darling family for a Thanksgiving episode (entertainmentweekly.com).

Is this really a good idea? Adding yet another character to a cast of 19,000 Darlings.

Don’t get us wrong, Samaire is adorable in that sprightly and slightly lispy way that makes you think of Tinkerbelle and puffed pastries. We love fairy dust and baked goods. But, the cast is fairly loaded as is, and we’re just not sure if we can absorb any more storylines. They’ve already got Lucy Liu, Peter Krause, Donald Sutherland, Blair Underwood, and a Baldwin on the roster for gosh sakes. Isn’t there such a thing as too much dirty sexiness or too much sexy dirtiness? There might be.

Here’s hoping their Tofurkey Day ep will change our mind.

Previously:

"Dirty Sexy Money": Lucy Liu Goes Down

Olivia Purnell — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Lucy Liu’s character, prosecutor Nola Lyons, gets caught with her pants down this week. . .

As we know, Lady Liu is simultaneously prosecuting Leticia Darling for murder and banging the defendant’s youngest son, Jeremy Darling. Of course, Nick George finds out about her extra-curricular activities and persuades Jeremy to kiss and tell all about their steamy affair in a sworn affidavit. The case against Tish is thrown out and Nola may be disbarred.

Turns out J. Darling and Leticia Darling planned to trap Lucy all along. And, like a good son, Jeremy stuck to the plan, throwing Nola directly under the bus in order to absolve his mommy. In a twisted way, it was the right thing to do. But he’ll never get to do twisted things with Lucy Liu again. Would you have made the same decision?

We thought not.

But, Jeremy’s betrayal isn’t the end of Nola Lyons. The disgraced prosecutor comes back swinging. She somehow convinces freshman Senator Patrick Darling that he needs her to be his Chief of Staff/pit bull. Gotta say, Patrick has a little George W. in him. Just a touch. He’s intelligent, but every now and then he has that wide-eyed fumble that reminds us of the last eight years. In a W move, Patty hires Nola. And just like that, Lucy Liu is back on top.

Now, time for the big reveal: Guess who Nola Lyons is truly in bed with? Nope, not triple-agent J. Darling (poor love-struck double-agent Jeremy). Nope, not Karen Darling or Lisa George, although that would make for interesting television. . . Nola is in cahoots with Simon Elder. Yes! The two of them are plotting some sort of evil take-over of the Darling empire. Bring it. Bring the Dirty Sexy Coup D’etat.

Side note: Can you imagine the Dirty Sexy children that Blair Underwood and Lucy Liu would produce? Not to mention the Dirty Sexy . . . sex.

"Dirty Sexy Money": The Darlingest Darling of Them All

Olivia Purnell — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 18:56:00 GMT

So we, like every other Six Feet Under fan on the planet have totally come to terms with our crush on Peter Krause (we simultaneously want to pinch his cheeks and lick his face). We’ve also come to terms with our crush on Lucy Liu, cause the girl is too fabulous for words. But Donald Sutherland? Is it okay to crush on Donald Sutherland? He is flawless as the king pin Tripp Darling: slightly manipulative, fiercely intuitive, and undeniably dashing. Dear reader, we must admit that we find Mr. Sutherland . . . intriguing. But we keep telling ourselves: he is a mother-effing granddaddy.

Gratuitous Lucy Liu after the jump to break the Sutherland spell . . .

That's better. On to the show:

This week Nick George becomes more entrenched in Darling drama. He announces at the beginning of the ep that Leticia’s murder trial will be handled by some swanky southern defense attorney wearing a bolo tie. That little arrangement was doomed from the start. You can’t represent a Darling rocking a mini lasso as neck wear. Tripp Darling (mmmm, Sutherland) never wanted Texas esquire in the first place. He wanted Nick. And through Brian’s usual double-dealing and underhanded persuasion, Tripp gets what he wants.

That’s right, Nick is defending Leticia, the woman accused of murdering his father.

While you digest that lovely little morsel of information (go ahead, read that sentence again if you need to), let’s move on to Lucy Liu. Lucy’s character Nola began an affair with the baby Darling, Jeremy, last week. This week she’s at it again.

Let’s pause for a moment to note that sexy must be contagious because Lucy Liu somehow manages to rub off on Seth Gabel (Jeremy Darling). And their scenes together are nothing short of Hot (note the capital H, kids. It’s that serious).

In addition to warming J. Darling’s bed, Nola is also hard at work prosecuting mama Darling for murder. Dirtysexydrama.

Back to Nick: The family lawyer has even more on his plate. With Leticia’s trial all over the papers, Tripp is asked by the board to choose an alternate Vice Chair for his company. Being the smooth operator that he is, Tripp tells Nick to choose a successor to the Darling throne. Because, you know, Nick’s not busy. He needs a little more to do this week.

Although Karen lobbies hard for the title and Nick recommends crazy Brian, Tripp ultimately chooses Nick to take over the Vice chair position, making Nick “the darlingist Darling of them all.”

Tripp Darling has now dunked Nick, the only person willing to accuse him of Dutch George’s murder, so deeply in the bucket of Darling drama that it doesn’t look like he’ll ever resurface. Oh Mr. Sutherland, you sly silver fox, you.

“Dirty Sexy Money”: This Show is Stacked

Olivia Purnell — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Darlings, there are some heavy weights on this show. Peter Krause and Donald Sutherland, for example. We forgot about these over the summer. Well, we didn’t forget exactly. We knew they existed, somewhere out there in the universe, floating about in their summer homes being very serious actors and working on their craft and whatever. But we forgot just how powerful these two are on screen. Peter with his smoldering deer-in-the-headlights-of-life charm and Donald with that smoldering older man’s swagger he’s got going on. He’s so gentile, so powerful, so . . . And we’re gushing.

Gratuitous Peter Krause to follow . . .

Yup, we love a man in a suit . . .

Before we embarrass ourselves, lets get into this week’s episode. The Darling drama began on a yacht, of course. It’s Nick George’s (Peter Krause’s) birthday, and being half stepchild, half-family lawyer, Tripp Darling (Donald!) gives Nick a yacht for the special occasion. Mmm-Hmm, if we had a lawyer (which we don’t) that lawyer would get be lucky to get a keychain and a slap on the ass (One to grow on, you know?).

Brian “the Priest” Darling is as priceless as ever. He’s working for papa bear now, running errands here and there, firing folk in Munich, delivering his own special brand of counsel straight to Tripp Darling’s ear. However Brian Jr., his adorable son and his son’s mother abandon ship this episode. And Brian Sr. is pissed. And he’s blaming Daddy. More hijinks to come, we’re sure.

Karen flawlessly played Natalie Zea has some serious drama up her sleeve. First she stops by Nick’s office to give the gift of nudity. Nick tells her to put her goodies away, but comes running back to K-town when he finds his wifey smooching with Jeremy Darling (isn’t he, like, twelve?). By the time Nick swings back in Karen’s ditzy direction, little miss Darling has found herself falling in love, with the enemy! She was already sleeping with Simon Elder on Daddy’s direction, spying for Tripp (Ewww. . . ). But now she’s falling for the ever-handsome Simon Elder.

As Karen’s love for Simon grows, so too does Patrick Darling’s love for tranny Carmelita (we love you Candis Cayne!). Apparently absence does make the heart grow fonder. Her highness Carmelita is still nowhere to be found (booo!!!). But Ellen, Patrick’s wife, does find a few pics of the lovely lady, and predictably goes batshit crazy. Unpredictably, her hissy fit ends fatally as she slips and falls, dying dramatically on the bathroom floor in a pool of her own blood. Dirty Sexy Drama, kids.

That’s almost too much drama for your mama, right? Not quite. Enter Lucy Liu stage right vamp and tramping it up with Jeremy Darling (mmmm-hmmm, the baby Darling). Why is Lucy so fierce? Why?

With Lucy Liu in the mix Dirty Sexy Money might just be the most overlooked show on television right now. And underrated. And . . . we’re gushing again.

Top Ten Returning Shows: #7 - "Dirty Sexy Money"

Bryan Christian — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 17:33:00 GMT

The new fall season is almost here. Starting next week, the cable and broadcast networks will be begin rolling out new episodes of all the shows that survived the writers-strike-afflicted 2007-2008 season, giving us the chance to get acquainted with some old friends -- and reacquaint ourselves with more than a few characters who we met only fleetingly last fall. Here, then, are the top ten returning shows that were most looking forward to seeing.

First thing's first: we'd watch Peter Krause do his laundry. In Sports Night, Six Feet Under, and this, Krause has proved time and again that he can be a scoundrel in one scene and the heir to Jimmy Stewart's George Bailey in the next -- and always with wit and style to burn. But beyond Krause's central performance, this devilish soap walks a fine line between being a throwback to the days of Dynasty and also a spin on twisted family dramas like SFU -- and we can't help but admire the well-heeled weirdness of the mashing-up.

Of all the returning shows that got cut short by last year's writers strike, DSM -- with its big cast, intertwining plotlines, and slightly disappointing ratings -- might have gotten cut the shortest. Here's hoping that with a full year to unspool its story -- not to mention new cast member Lucy Liu, who, we're not gonna lie, we would also watch doing laundry, assuming it was dirty sexy laundry -- Dirty Sexy Money manages to get comfy in ABC's lineup.

Dirty Sexy Money (Wednesdays at 10 PM EST) premieres Wednesday, October 1, at 10 PM EST on ABC.

TOP TEN RETURNING SHOWS FALL 2008

#1. "30 Rock" & "Terminator"
#2. "Dexter"
#3. "Gossip Girl"
#4. "Pushing Daisies"
#5. "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"
#6. "Heroes"
#7. "Dirty Sexy Money"
#8. "House"
#9. "Entourage" / "Californication"
#10. "The Shield"