The Remote Island : Michael Phelps

French News Update: Pole Vaulter Shows Off His Naked Pole In Paris [VIDEO]

Olivia Purnell — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 16:35:00 GMT

It’s a tragic tale. A human-interest piece. One you’ve got to see.

Here’s the back-story: Romain Mesnil should have a pretty great life. He’s an amazing pole vaulter. He won a silver medal at the 2007 World Championships. He has the kind of body should be immortalized in bronze. Really, it’s the sort of physique Salt N’ Peppa rapped about. He’s beautiful. And good things should happen for beautiful French pole vaulters with ungodly abs. But this pole vaulter lost his Nike funding (what with the financial crisis and all). Now with no money, he’s resorted to running the streets with his pole out to drum up publicity and possible sponsorship opportunities. The French press picked up his tale of destitution and the accompanying video and aired it on the nightly news.

That’s reportage if we’ve ever seen it. American media, take note, dammit.

Wait a minute . . . isn’t Michael Phelps down a deal or two since Reefergate 2008? Shouldn’t he take a naked jog? Why yes. We think he should.

Phelps: Just make sure you wear the gold medals if you’re gonna streak Manhattan. You’ll need something to trade for protection when New York’s finest throw your free-balling ass into city lock-up.

(huffingtonpost.com)

Previously:

Michael Phelps Is Sorry For Being One of The Millions of People Who Smoke Pot Occasionally [VIDEO]
Oprah Wants to Ask Michael Phelps About Pot
Seth Rogan Shows Jay Leno His Skinny Butt Crack

Michael Phelps Is Sorry For Being One of Millions of People Who Smoke Pot Occasionally [VIDEO]

Lindy Parker — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 18:00:00 GMT

Has the time finally come to acknowledge how ridiculous the media frenzy surrounding Michael Phelps's pot incident really is? We were kind of hoping that was the strategy Matt Lauer would employ during Phelps's first interview since the picture of his now infamous bong hit surfaced in the tabloids. You know, can we all sit down and laugh about the absurdity of the notion that smoking pot once at a party negates winning fourteen Olympic gold medals. Instead, Lauer compared the bong hit to getting arrested and charged with DUI...

Previously:

Oprah Wants to Ask Michael Phelps About Pot

Michael Phelps: We're Not Tired of Him Yet

60 Minutes: Michael Phelps Indulges Anderson Cooper's Hard-on for Water Sports

Corporal Ray Person's Keen Powers Of Observation Haven't Dimmed Since The War

Bryan Christian — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 21:52:00 GMT

“I am literally shocked that [Michael Phelps] lost the fucking Kellogg's endorsement. It’s a fucking cereal. What do you think stoners eat?”
-- James Ransone, actor

[via Vulture]

PREVIOUSLY:

Oprah Wants To Ask Michael Phelps About Pot

"60 Minutes": Michael Phelps Indulges Anderson Cooper's Hard-On For Water Sports

Oprah Wants To Ask Michael Phelps About Pot

Olivia Purnell — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 17:00:00 GMT

Phelps ain’t given up the goods for free. And Oprah’s not the only one interested in Michael’s, uh, goods . . .

Apparently ABC, CBS, and NBS all want to ask Michael about why he was smoking the ganja.

Page Six says that Phelps might be asking 1 million dollars for his interview, possibly to offset the loss of income when Kelloggs fired him as a spokesman post-maryjane.

What we want to know: Does the $1 mil include the party package? Will there be green in the green room? Will Oprah be invited to puff-puff-pass?

"60 Minutes": Michael Phelps Indulges Anderson Cooper's Hard-On For Water Sports

Bryan Christian — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 14:38:00 GMT

Anyone else catch America's Boyfriend Anderson Cooper interviewing Michael Phelps on last night's 60 Minutes? Our favorite part is above, where Andy basically dares Michael to let him strip down and jump in the pool so the hardbodied Olympian can administer a good beating. Or something. Maybe the part where Andy goes "Oh, and I'll be wearing nipple clamps!" is on the cutting room floor?

Cheesy Commercial With American Sports Hero: Michael Phelps For Rosetta Stone

Jake Kalish — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 18:34:00 GMT

It's not that this one is so bad, as commercials go, in fact it's kind of cute -- he's doing everything real fast. Nyuk nyuk. Except for one thing. It's an ad saying this program taught Michael Phelps Chinese, and we don't hear him speaking Chinese. Come on, people, subtitles exist for a reason. Oh, there's an itty-bitty part where you barely hear him say "Wo shrr.." That's like, stuff you learn just from getting your General Tso's Chicken. The delivery guy taught him that. Seriously, it's like "my name is" or something. What, are we just supposed to believe Michael Phelps can speak Chinese because he won 8 gold medals? No, no, no. We think Michael Phelps and Rosetta Stone are lying, and not even in an exotic foreign language.

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

"Saturday Night Live": Tina Fey Rocks as Sarah Palin, But Amy Poehler Rules the Night

Ben Kallen — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 13:55:00 GMT

As expected, Tina Fey returned to her old stomping grounds at Saturday Night Live this weekend to take on the role of look-alike Sarah Palin. But while her take on the VP candidate's Fargo-style accent and assertive know-nothingness was spot-on hilarious, somehow Liz Lemon's nerdy hotness didn't quite match the glamour of a former beauty queen. On the other hand, Amy Poehler proved once again what a pro she is at conveying Hillary Clinton's intelligence and fierce ambition -- and the two of them together may have turned into the current era's best comedy team. (Watch the video above to see what we're talking about.)

As for the rest of SNL's season premiere? Eh. It may have been too much to ask that the world's greatest swimmer be good at sketch comedy too, and Michael Phelps mumbled and stumbled his way through his line readings like, well, the proverbial fish out of water. (He seemed like a good sport, though, and we'll happily leave him to his future life of cornflakes endorsements and sleeping with groupies.)

What did we like? "Weekend Update," the fake "Fav 5" ad (what the heck's with that ad, anyway?), and the funny-weird digital short about a future "Space Olympics." We didn't much care for "Quiz Bowl" (another game show parody?), the boring "Locker Room," "The Michael Phelps Diet" (sorry, Michael) or, especially, the return of the "ugly kids" sketch (how long are they going to run that one into the ground?). So we'll give 'em 5 points out of 10 -- which, for SNL as opposed to the Olympics, isn't bad at all.

Click through for more video highlights:

The "Jar Glove" ad:

The "T-Mobile Fav 5" ad:

Digital Short: "Space Olympics":

Previously:
Will Tina Fey Play You-Know-Who?
Two More Republican-Ticket TV Tie-Ins

The Weekly Rewind: Summer's End

Ben Kallen — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 21:35:00 GMT

Man, what an action-packed few days! We had the Olympics finale, a political convention, the start of a big holiday weekend, and -- most important of all -- the buildup to the new fall TV season. So how 'bout we look back on it all with the highlights of the week:

We counted down the top 10 new shows and the top 10 returning shows for the upcoming season. That's, yes, 20 shows worth watching. We know that some critics are worried about the overall quality of the fall schedule... but, really, if 20 isn't enough for them, they should maybe start thinking about reading more books.

We found 18 "memorable TV moments" that the Emmy people left off their list. And yet they still won't let us present the award for Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy!

We met the new American Idol judge, and she's attractive, articulate and successful. Let's hope she keeps her Coke cup away from Paula.

We watched some hilariously terrible music videos featuring TV stars. If you've ever wondered what the Internet was made for, this is it.

We thought we'd lost Denise Richards, and then we maybe got her back, but then we weren't sure we really wanted her after all. Just like Charlie in that one episode of Two and a Half Men!

We learned that even after all this time, we're still amused by the phrase "Stifler's mom."

We saw Mackenzie Phillips get in trouble with drugs, and David Duchovny get in trouble with sex. Where the hell is Dr. Drew when you need him?

Helloooo, Mr. Phelps! Goodbyyyye, Mr. Bush!

We got ready to spend the waning days of summer with a nice long weekend of TV. Hey, it's our job -- what's your excuse?

Photo: AP

Previously:
The Weekly Rewind: We Want Our Fun TV

Michael Phelps: We're Not Tired of Him Yet

Lindy Parker — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 15:23:00 GMT

It goes without saying that Michael Phelps is one of the busiest guys around these days. After making history in Beijing this summer, he'll take some time out of the pool this fall to host SNL, present a MTV video music award and put in a cameo appearance on Entourage. We can only hope he's planning to play himself because we're not overly confident in Michael Phelps' acting abilities -- mostly because if he was a stellar actor and 14-time gold medalist, we'd have to seriously contemplate our own inadequacy.

Also, just as a sidenote, why is that guy reaching for MP's crotch?

Our favorite Olympic athlete to try her hand at acting...

Who could forget Kerri Strug's post-Olympic appearance on Beverly Hills, 90210? Her bit went something like this:

[David Silver randomly runs into Kerri at the CU registration desk]

David: Are you Kerri Strug?

Kerri: Yeah.

David: Wow, it's really great to meet you. You were awesome in the Olympics.

Kerri: Thanks.

And, scene. Genius. Adding nothing whatsoever to the episode. We can only hope Michael Phelps fairs as well.

The Weekly Rewind: We Want Our Fun TV

Ben Kallen — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 21:35:00 GMT

The Olympics are coming to an end, and the new TV season hasn't started yet. What the heck can we do with all that extra free time? Maybe we should just sit back, relax, and spend it on the highlights of the week:

We learned that George and Izzie are TV's most annoying couple, but then we remembered Ross and Rachel.

We were alternately thrilled and disappointed by Michael Phelps, and Bigfoot.

We heard Hurley sing, and it was awesome.

We remembered the most terrible game shows of all time, and it kind of made us want to watch them again. But the most memorable moments in TV history? Eh, seen 'em.

We heard that Kelly Bundy's just fine, and that made us happy.

We saw what The Bachelor's ex Shayne Lamas is like at a party, and it's pretty much what we figured.

We discovered that many TV stars don't watch TV, because they're too busy sipping expensive champagne with fashion models.

We figured out how to get MTV's original stars cable-ready again.

We wondered why this statue of Fonzie looks so much like Christopher Walken.

We learned why Canadians think the beaver is a proud and noble animal.

We learned who might be on Dancing With the Stars this season, and hoped Kim Kardashian wouldn't have center-of-gravity issues.

We discovered that the Internet is nothing but a gathering place for Knight Rider and Baywatch fanatics. But then, we knew that already.

Previously:
The Weekly Rewind: The Thrill of Victory, The Agony of TV

Michael Phelps Backlash Begins!

Ben Kallen — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 18:32:00 GMT

Barely a few days after Michael Phelps won a record eight gold medals and brought massive ratings to NBC's Olympics coverage, a minor backlash is already developing.

The world's greatest swimmer is being criticized for his desirability, his childish personal style, and even for "a general aura of doucheyness." Meanwhile, nutritionists are complaining that Phelps' professed love of Big Macs and endorsement of Frosted Flakes cereal will contribute to the obesity epidemic among kids who don't burn off 12,000 calories a day the way he does.

Next thing you know, they'll be making fun of his ears! But that would never happen, would it?

Oh, right.

Previously:
The Summer Olympics: You Can Run, But You Can't Hide