The Remote Island : Paula Abdul

"American Idol": Disco Double Down

Lindy Parker — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 14:00:00 GMT

Let us just start off by saying that disco night wasn't nearly as bad as we feared. But, our anxiety level was still off the charts -- the number of remaining contestants is dwindling, and it's getting to the point where we start getting tense fifteen minutes before the show actually airs. Let's get right to it...

Lil Rounds -- Poor Lil just can't get a positive critique to save her life. The pity bones Paula's always throwing totally don't count. Three out of four judges agree this is Lil's last week. We're mostly just glad to see a different wig tonight -- those pageboys she's been rocking for the last few weeks had become tiresome.

Kris Allen -- Here's the conversation we had with our friend Ben during Kris's performance:

Us: We totally hate this guy.
Ben: He is not rocking the white v-neck T nearly as hard as Vin Diesel does.

Us: Right! He's sort of like John Mayer, but more lame.

Ben: I kind of like that guy who's playing the block of wood.
Us: That's not a good sign.

On the plus side, Paula gave one of the more coherent critiques we've ever heard from her: "Kris, there are a lot of women shopping in the men's department, but not a lot of men shopping in the women's. But you did it, and it paid off." Simon thought she was nuts, but we totally got it -- and she's right, we don't hear a lot of male contestants singing songs by female vocalists unless they have to (i.e. Mariah Carey week).

Danny Gokey -- Why, Danny? Why are you always doing these Vegas-y arrangements? At least during disco week it kind of makes sense, but still. That said, we loved the moment when he broke it down with the background singers. Get it, Danny. We were feeling it by the end. Paula ended things with a flirty comment that made the moment a tad uncomfortable, made more so by the fact that the Idol folks followed the comment with a close-up on his mom.

Allison Iraheta -- We're starting to feel weird about her Captain Eo outfits. We love, love, love this girl's voice, but we feel like the crazy, bedazzled wardrobe and flames in the backround are detracting a bit from how great she is.

Adam Lambert -- Truly, we might have swooned when we saw Adam in his suit. Can we just call this rodeo right now and declare Adam king of the world? During his version of "If I Can't Have You" we finally understood why people throw their underwear onstage during concerts.

Us: He's so amazing!
Ben: He's melting my heart.

Paula's tearing up. Simon thinks the vocals were immaculate. Seacrest is marvelling at Adam's ability to turn Paula into a pool of Abdul. Ryan is like the Bob Costas of reality television.

Matt Giraud -- Okay, he was channeling Justin Timberlake, but you won't hear us saying that's a bad thing. Also, "Staying Alive" is a) an incredibly difficult song to pull off and b) equally difficult keep from sounding dated. Matt did both of those things. We were loving him tonight. We could even imagine it on the radio. The judges totally disagree with us. We're retaliating by spending the next two hours texting the word "vote" for Matt Giraud.

Anoop Desai -- First, the good news: We like his outfit a LOT more than the stuff he's been wearing. Also, the five 'o clock shadow is working for us. The bad news: we're pretty sure this is the end of the road for Anoop. The vocals weren't stellar, and overall we think he's less popular than Kris Allen.

Our verdict: Goodbye Lil Rounds, Goodbye Anoop Desai.

Previously:

American Idol: Somebody Save Me
American Idol: Miley Cyrus and Jennifer Hudson Perform Tonight!
American Idol: We Prefer Tarantino As a Judge
American Idol: I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't

This Week on "American Idol": Paula Choreographs, Disco Makes a Comeback

Lindy Parker — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 21:30:00 GMT

Get ready, y'all -- tonight is disco night on American Idol, and we admit it's hard to imagine this working out well. But, wait, there's more -- you know those awkward group numbers that they use to kill time at the beginning of the results show? Well, get psyched because Paula Abdul's choreographing Wednesday's group performance, so we're preparing ourselves for lots of spins and knees-up dance steps.

In preparation for some Abdul choreography on tonight's show, let's take a look back at Paula's dance moves from the days when she was moonlighting on The Arsenio Hall Show...

Previously:

American Idol: Somebody Save Me
American Idol: Miley Cyrus and Jennifer Hudson Perform Tonight!
American Idol: We Prefer Tarantino As a Judge
American Idol: I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't

"American Idol": It Was a Very Good Year

Lindy Parker — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 14:00:00 GMT

Tonight's episode kicked things off with baby pictures of the judges, and it has to be said, Randy Jackson had the cutest baby mug by a mile. Kara's was shockingly uncute -- who knew that was even possible? Apparently, Paula doesn't have any pictures prior to the age of eight, and Simon's was (predictably) adorable -- guys with weird adult haircuts are always cute toddlers. The hilarity came to a screeching halt when Paula tried to make a joke about Ryan's baby buck teeth that kind of fell flat. Best to move on to the performances...

Danny Gokey -- Here's the thing: when we first heard Danny was singing "Stand By Me" we were like "Yes. Awesome. Let's do this." We love, love, love that song, and Danny has the voice to pull it off. However, he trotted out this weird, pseudo R&B, hotel lounge version that we didn't love. Paula was into it, but we suspect she has a bit of cougar crush on D.Goke.

Kris Allen -- Thank god, we can get back to hating Kris Allen. His rendition of "All She Wants to Do is Dance" was lackluster and stupid. Don Henley he is not. Sidenote: the neckline of Paula's dress is giving us serious pause -- one boob is totally higher than the other. OMG, Simon just called Kris's song choice "stupid, stupid." Simon is totally our soul twin on this.

Lil Rounds -- Lil's mom wants to make it clear that "Lil" is not her stage name. Don't get it twisted. Lil's got the choreography and Balenciaga sandles working this week, so thumbs up there. On the negative side, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, why can't Lil bring the heat like we know she can? Her version of "What's Love Got To Do With It" was second rate karaoke at best. We're not kidding around anymore -- this girl has one of the best voices in the house -- it's time for her to BRING IT. Here's how bad it is: even Paula was making totally coherent sense. That said, it's not her turn to go home. Kris should go first, then Scott.

Anoop Desai -- Truly, this kid couldn't be more lovely. He starts off by apologizing for sassing the judges last week. His version of "True Colors" was oddly moving. Also, his sweater -- fierce.

Scott MacIntyre -- We're starting to be weirded out by Scott's kooky personality. His halloween anecdote seemed out of place, and following it up with a bizarre maniacal laugh was too much for us. Confession: We're not sure we've ever actually heard "The Search is Over," but we're going to go ahead say that Scott was off key on more than one occasion.

Allison Iraheta -- whom we're going to start referring to as "our bitch" because we love her so much. Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" was a great choice for her voice. Predictably, Kara shares our affection for Allison since she's exactly the kind of artist for whom Kara writes hits. We can practically see the dollar signs rolling in her eyes.

Matt Giraud -- The thing is, no one's ever really going to be Stevie Wonder are they? It seems dangerous to cover any SW song at the best of times. The judges don't agree with us -- they're loving Matt this week. The jury's still out for us -- we feel like he's sort of like the love child of Justin Timberlake and Michael Bublé and we're not sure how we feel about that combo. Even though we still quite like Matt himself, we just don't see him winning this rodeo.

Adam Lambert -- Dude, it was tragic. Our dvr cut off right after Matt's performance. We. Freaked. Out. Adam is our American Idol! How will we see his performance? How will we know his number so we can text the word "vote?" Luckily, the internet is a magic place full of treasures...

Simon gave him a standing ovation. We stood up on our bed and joined in. Enough said.

Previously:
Tonight On "American Idol": Birth Year Songs
"American Idol": Ode To Joy
"American Idol": Play That Funky Music
"American Idol": Paula Abdul Fashion Retrospective

"American Idol": Kara DioGuardi Makes Paula Abdul Look Smarter?

Jake Kalish — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 20:20:00 GMT

Very rough article on Kara DioGuardi by Joanna Weiss of the Boston Globe, which says

So there were high hopes for Kara DioGuardi, with her songwriting talents, her music industry experience, her gruff sensibility. Yet so far, she's accomplished only one thing: making Paula look smarter.

Very rough, but maybe not wrong. Weiss does a good job of backing up her point...

Now, keep in mind, we're not talking Mensa smart here. We're talking Paula smart. She still gushes about pierced hearts and inner beauty, and she still has the syntax of Sarah Palin on a caffeine high. But somewhere hidden in all of those words, she usually has a point. And more often than not, her observations are sharper, more vivid, and more useful than anything Kara has to say.

Consider, for example, their dueling comments last week about R&B singer Lil Rounds:

Kara: "So I think tonight we got a glimpse of what we saw in the beginning, which is this singer who can just let it out and wow us. And I think we need to see more of that. But Lil, you back in the Rounds."

Paula: "I don't want to see an adult contemporary Lil Rounds."

Or about energetic crooner Adam Lambert:

Paula: "There are artists who have longevity in this business because of their unique and riveting performances. I'll name a few. Mick Jagger, Steven Tyler, and Adam Lambert."

Kara: "It was like Studio 57 up in here tonight!"

Advantage Paula, who, over and over again this season, has managed to emit little nuggets of wisdom. While the numerically challenged Kara tends to ramble and repeat stock phrases - "Who are you as an artist?" "What we're looking for is artistry. . ." - Paula finds an apt analogy or suggests a useful bit of stagecraft. She told since-departed Megan Joy Corkrey, who danced like one of those plastic Hawaiian hula dolls, that she should sit on a stool beneath a spotlight. She told blind pianist Scott MacIntyre that he was boring us by sitting behind a piano every week. And while Simon poked fun at her in both cases, Paula happened to be right.

All of this leads to obvious questions: Idol's ratings are down this year, and the 4 judge format, and Kara DioGuardi in particular, have not generally been well received - so is DioGuardi coming back next year? Will she be replaced? Or will Idol go back to three judges? What do you guys think should happen, and will happen?

PREVIOUSLY:

Tonight On "American Idol": Birth Year Songs

"American Idol": Ode To Joy

"American Idol": Play That Funky Music

"American Idol": Paula Abdul Fashion Retrospective

Simon Cowell Tells Michael Jackson What To Do

"American Idol" Has Got Porno Problems [UPDATED]

"American Idol": Happy to See Motown, Less Country

Lindy Parker — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 14:00:00 GMT

First of all, Smokey Robinson is looking good these days. Seriously, we would hit that. Love those cargo pants. Love 'em. Also, we may or may not have teared up when he was talking to Matt Giraud about Marvin Gaye. Speaking of which...

Matt Giraud -- Should absolutely never leave the piano. We're not kidding about this. His version of "Let's Get It On" was kind of magical until he got up from the piano and started bobbing up and down with the handheld mic. Tragic. We also think he lost his pitch a bit when he lost the piano. Paula totally disagrees with us, comparing Matt to a great worn-in pair of jeans. Simon's mainly concerned that Matt keeping his distance from the judges' table -- it vexes Simon when the contestants sing too close to him.

Sidenote: what the hell is going on with the Osbournes and their crazy variety show? Every time we turn around, we see that commercial where the guy makes out with his own grandmother or whatever.

Kris Allen -- We're way over this guy. We may have had a little weak moment last week, but we're over it now. He's not terrible, but we look at him and think, blah.

Scott MacIntyre -- We sort of want Scott to be our new BFF. We find him so squeaky clean and saccharine that we just know he could lay us out with the dirtiest joke we've ever heard out of nowhere. Also, his fashion sense is of that "so bad, it's good" variety. Even Seacrest is enamored with Scott's salmon-colored pants. However, much as we love him, his version of "Can't Hurry Love" was lame. Although, in fairness, our reaction could easily be blamed on the fact that we've always hated that song.

Megan Corkrey -- Best moment of Megan's performance: when she took a walk through the audience, ignoring Simon's obvious discomfort at her close proximity. Worst moment of Megan's performance: everything else, and then Paula trying to make up for it by praising her hotness.

Anoop Desai -- We found Anoop's version of "Oooooh Baby Baby" needed to be kicked up a notch or five. Where's Emeril Lagasse when you need him? Although, the really tragic moment was when Seacrest tried to sing Ano-o-o-op's name at the end of the song. It went awry.

Michael Sarver -- Our issue with Michael Sarver is that we feel like we've pretty much seen all we're ever going to see from him. We can't imagine him coming out one week and blowing our minds the way David Cook did with Lionel Richie's "Hello." Paula and Simon are totally with us, and just like that we can see Michael's Idol run going up in smoke before our very eyes.

Lil Rounds -- It always makes us nervous when Ryan announces from the mosh pit. Ditto Paula standing up and clapping during the performances. Ditto Lil's new hair extensions. That said, we are totally feeling her dress:

Adam Lambert -- We just want it out there that we're fully prepared to become Mrs. Adam Lambert at any given moment. His performance of "Tracks of My Tears" was our favorite of the night. We rewound our dvr and watched it again. Weirdest quote of the night from Kara: "Six words for you: One of the best performances of the night." Uh, that's eight words.

Danny Gokey -- Here's the problem. As we sit here writing this, we can't remember what song Danny sang. No idea. We like him. We like his voice, but he was boring last night.

Allison Iraheta -- She rocks our socks off. Also, we feel like the hair is a little bit better this week. Less scary, more Gwen Stefani awesome:

Previously:

American Idol: Grace is Gone

American Idol: Grand Ole Opry

"American Idol": If I Never Knew You

"American Idol" Week One: The Way You Make Me Feel

"American Idol" Week 2: Grand Ole Opry

Lindy Parker — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 16:00:00 GMT

It's Grand Ole Opry week at the American Idol ranch. Here's your mentor Randy Travis and his three-pronged bangs.

Let's get right to this week's roundup...

Michael Sarver -- We aren't feeling Michael as much this week. In fact, we're more excited about the guy sitting on the edge of the stage playing the harmonica than we are about Michael himself. He's a bit one note, not unllike his outfits.

Allison Iraheta -- Here's what happened: At first we were like, country week is going to be hard for Allison to pull off. Then tlhey played a little clip of her singing a capella with Randy Travis during practice and it sounded awesome. But, the actual performance was rough. More importantly, what in god's name have they done to her cool Rainbow Brite hair? It's like a feathered, swoopy mullet.

Kris Allen -- Damn you, Kris Allen. We don't like you. We don't. But you picked the perfect song for your voice, and we're kind of into it. To make matters worse, so is Simon. Whenever Simon condescends to give a good critique, America responds in kind. Randy's assessment: "Tender moments with my dog Kris." Incidently, this is also the title of Randy's new human interest bestseller.

Lil Rounds -- "The only country songs that I have really heard have been in movies." Girl, you're from the South. WTF? We aren't that psyched on your version of Independence Day, but at least we like your dress -- folded napkin chic looks good on you.

Adam Lambert -- For sure the most entertaining rehearsal clip of the night. Randy Travis couldn't have been more freaked out by Adam's nail polish. Meanwhile, Adam had this to say about Randy: "He was such a gentleman." We're not sure what that means, Adam. You mean like he opened the door for you? Re: the performance, we just want to say this: Adam is ballsy. We didn't hate it. His crazy, Egyptian version of Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire was weirdly awesome -- kind of like that time we saw Serj Tankian open for the Foo Fighters, except we enjoyed Adam Lambert more. Sidenote: Paula's hair is bitchin' tonight -- the hair, the earrings, the dress -- it's all working for us. Go ahead, girl.

Scott McIntyre -- Seacrest gets stuck in the mosh pit and can't finish setting up the clip, so they have to roll the tape while he attempts his escape. The song is quite similar to last week actually -- boring, yet lovely. Simon's with us although we couldn't really understand all his points because they're drowned out by his showdown with Paula. Everyone's uncomfortable, even Seacrest who usually loves it when Simon gets catty.

Alexis Grace -- Randy Travis is impressed by her voice. You can tell he didn't think she had that in her. That said, her performance of Jolene was a little blah, and it just proves what we've said for years -- Dolly Parton's real genius is best revealed when you hear someone else sing one of her songs. Alexis's version of Jolene packed about one tenth of the emotion that Dolly's version had.

Danny Gokey -- First things first, the white space suit jacket might've been a mistake. Simon agrees. Our boyfriend spent his entire performance yelling, "Take off the jacket! It's weird!" Also, the beginning half of Jesus Take the Wheel pre-chorus was boring, but to be fair we feel that way when Carrie Underwood sings it too.

Anoop Desai -- We can't help it. We love Anoop and his Oscar the Grouch eyebrows. Thank god he kicked ass this week.

Megan Corkrey -- Truly, we've never seen anyone wear a hotter dress on American Idol. We're starting to really enjoy Megan these days. Also, we're significantly more impressed by her hotness when we learn she spent most of the day in the hospital with the flu.

Simon thinks she looks like she was going to the prom. Would that our prom dress had looked like that. Actually, would that we had gone to the prom at all.

Matt Giraud -- Strangely, Matt Giraud and Ryan Seacrest are wearing the same outfit, which proves amusing when they're standing right next to each other. Simon's comparing Matt to Michael Bublé, which he obviously means as a compliment, but Matt seems annoyed. Randy tries to save it with a Justin Timberlake comparison, and Matt looks appeased.

Person we voted for: Adam. Randy Travis can totally kiss our ass.

Previously:

Has American Idol Picked Its Final Four?

"American Idol": If I Never Knew You

"American Idol" Week One: The Way You Make Me Feel

"American Idol" Has Got Porno Problems [Updated]

"American Idol": Paula Abdul Fashion Retrospective

Lindy Parker — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 17:00:00 GMT

We don't know about you, but we don't even really care what happened on last week's wildcard round of American Idol because we spent the whole time obsessed with Paula's outfit. Seriously, it's pink leopard print with a neon pink scarf...that sparkles. It's sort of like something we imagine Siegfried (or maybe Roy) would wear around the summer house in Palm Beach. Let's take a look at the full length, shall we?

Wow. It's even more amazing than we imagined. Is the pink leopard print material also shiny? We like to think Paula whips up these little numbers the night before at her kitchen table. Let's take a look at some P. Abdul's fashion through the ages...

Apart from the lingerie-meets-skating-costume quality of this dress, we have a couple other concerns: First, the top half and the bottom half appear to be two different colors, neither of which are ideal. Also, the corset top seems to be laced up in three separate panels, is that necessary?

Now here again, another classic of Paula's "more is more" fashion strategy. She could totally wear this dress and star in a revival of Kiss of the Spider Woman...which now that we think of it could be kind of amazing. The issue with Paula is that when she tries to go simple and chic, it ends up looking costume-y...

Case in point: The Stewardess. Back to chaos...

Okay, call us crazy, but we can kind of see the Pucci-bright-colors-bold-prints thing that Paula's going for with this. The larger problem is that it doesn't quite get there, and it draws attention to her weirdly collapsed sternum. Also, braless is probably never a good look for her. However, we still think Paula could wear a Pucci-esque look and rock it out...

See? There we go. We almost love this. It's fun, it covers up the sternum and she's pairing it with earrings that are simple and cool rather than crazy. Just one thing: is that a hospital bracelet on her wrist? Why?

Paula Abdul: Four "American Idol" Judges "Doesn't Work"

Jake Kalish — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 22:30:00 GMT

How's that for throwing supposed "great friend" Kara Dioguardi under the bus? Here's what Paula says:

"Kara and I have known each other for years and we get along great," Abdul tells the March 9 issue of OK! magazine.

"But we tried four judges before and it doesn't work."

Abdul is referring to Angie Martinez, the Hot 97 DJ who joined "Idol" as a judge before the second season but bailed before the season kicked off.

Abdul also says the extra person disrupts the flow of the show.

"It takes up so much time for each of us to give our opinion that it slows down the pace of the show," she says.

Well, not exactly. It takes a long time for you to give your opinion, Paula, because of whatever meds you're on. Everyone else gives their opinion pretty quickly, especially Simon.

Thing is, if Idol does cut down to three judges, DioGuardi might not be the one going:

As for her future on "Idol," Abdul is a little more cagey.

"It is the last season of my contract, and I have so many other things I want to do," she says.

You mean like teaming up again with MC Skat Kat?

PREVIOUSLY:

Our American Idol Archive

Paula Abdul Pretends To Walk Off Letterman Over Stalker Talk

Bryan Christian — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 18:24:00 GMT

Hold up: the one time Paula thinks about getting off-camera during an interview, and it's with a guy who's been there too?

Video after the jump.

Oh, Paula . . .

Olivia Purnell — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 21:30:00 GMT

It’s hard to look away from the singing dancing jingle jangle car wreck that is Paula Abdul. Straight up now tell us, Paula, are you gonna be crazy forever? Oh. Oh. Oh. . . .

Check out her latest cray cray visit to The View and her equally nutty statement to People Magazine after the jump . . .

Jezebel.com's got a edited nugget of Paula's interview ski-zills. The video is only a minute, but you don't need more than 10 seconds to pick up what Paula is putting down. Check it, here. Thank you Jezebel for cluing us into that little gem.

Paula also spoke recently with people.com regarding the death of an obsessed fan:

"It was very tragic and very upsetting to hear," Abdul says of the death of Paula Goodspeed, a fan who auditioned for American Idol's fifth season. "She had tried to do this before, and it was just heartbreaking ... It was in the middle of Hollywood week, and it happened while I was actually working at the Kodak Theatre, and it was devastating to hear." (people.com)

Uh, so . . . . it was heartbreaking because it was in the middle of Hollywood week? We don’t mean to be callous, or indifferent to your obviously extensive troubs Ms. Abdul, but really?

Now Even Fox News Is Wondering Whether "Idol" Is Kind Of Evil

Bryan Christian — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 15:38:00 GMT

Oh, except that they're not! Those brilliant BASTARDS!!!

When the body of a former “American Idol” contestant who was obsessed with Paula Abdul was found outside the "Idol" judge's home Tuesday, several reports suggested that the woman's harsh rejection during her audition on the show may have sparked the downward spiral that ended in her apparent suicide.

But neither the “Idol” judges nor the show are to blame, a well-known psychiatrist told FOXNews.com.

Oh, OK, thanks! Hey, another question: are these the droids we're looking for?

We particularly like how the other source for this pastiche of conjecture and CYA is -- wait for it -- Paula Goodspeed's MySpace page. Is there a way to make "schadenfraude" and "synergy" one word? Yes. It's "BRILLIANT BASTARDS."

Paula Abdul Stalker Apparently Commits Stalky Suicide; We've Got Her "Idol" Audition Tape

Lindy Parker — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 14:30:00 GMT

Let's face it, Paula Abdul has probably seen some weird shit in her day. If the worst-of American Idol auditions weren't enough, she herself has provided more than adequate on-camera crazy to fill Vh1 countdown. However, it turns out, Paula's got herself a stalker that makes her run as the kookiest of the Idol judges look like a term in the U.S. Supreme Court.

Paula Godspeed, season six idol reject and devoted Abdul groupie, died of a drug overdose Tuesday that is believed to have been a suicide. Her body was found in her car, which was parked outside Paula Abdul's house. Honestly, if there's a worse way to end your day, we're not sure what it is: Paula Abdul spends sixteen hours shooting on the American Idol set, and drives home intending to drink a bottle of wine and watch a dvd of her greatest hits, but instead finds her house has been swarmed by police and paramedics trying to revive a girl of whom she only has a vague recollection that involves the girl's full-sized Paula portraits, and an unfortunate crocheted shawl. While the whole thing is obviously deeply sad, it does put Paula's own nutty shenanigans in perspective.

In memoriam, here's a clip of Paula Godspeed's 2006 audition:

The Weekly Rewind: Summer's End

Ben Kallen — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 21:35:00 GMT

Man, what an action-packed few days! We had the Olympics finale, a political convention, the start of a big holiday weekend, and -- most important of all -- the buildup to the new fall TV season. So how 'bout we look back on it all with the highlights of the week:

We counted down the top 10 new shows and the top 10 returning shows for the upcoming season. That's, yes, 20 shows worth watching. We know that some critics are worried about the overall quality of the fall schedule... but, really, if 20 isn't enough for them, they should maybe start thinking about reading more books.

We found 18 "memorable TV moments" that the Emmy people left off their list. And yet they still won't let us present the award for Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy!

We met the new American Idol judge, and she's attractive, articulate and successful. Let's hope she keeps her Coke cup away from Paula.

We watched some hilariously terrible music videos featuring TV stars. If you've ever wondered what the Internet was made for, this is it.

We thought we'd lost Denise Richards, and then we maybe got her back, but then we weren't sure we really wanted her after all. Just like Charlie in that one episode of Two and a Half Men!

We learned that even after all this time, we're still amused by the phrase "Stifler's mom."

We saw Mackenzie Phillips get in trouble with drugs, and David Duchovny get in trouble with sex. Where the hell is Dr. Drew when you need him?

Helloooo, Mr. Phelps! Goodbyyyye, Mr. Bush!

We got ready to spend the waning days of summer with a nice long weekend of TV. Hey, it's our job -- what's your excuse?

Photo: AP

Previously:
The Weekly Rewind: We Want Our Fun TV

New "American Idol" Judge Is No Softy

Ben Kallen — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 19:55:00 GMT

It turns out that American Idol's newest acquisition, singer-songwriter Kara DioGuardi -- who not only cowrote a song with Paula Abdul, but at one point was actually her roommate -- is no Paula-style pushover when it comes to lazy contestants. Here she is chewing out a bunch of aspiring musicians on the short-lived ABC reality contest The One: Making a Music Star. Guess the Idol producers were watching that show, even though nobody else was.

Via Newsday and TVTattle.com

Previously:
At Long Last, American Idol Is Getting a New Judge

At Long Last, "American Idol" Is Getting a New Judge

Ben Kallen — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 17:58:00 GMT

After seven seasons on the air, American Idol is adding a fourth judge: Kara DioGuardi, a singer, music executive and hugely successful songwriter whose tunes have been recorded by former Idol contestants Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood, as well as Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Gwen Stefani, Celine Dion, Faith Hill, Avril Lavigne and Pink.

"With Kara by her side, Paula has some backup and now there is going to be a lot more `girl power' on the show," Fox network reality honcho Mike Darnell said about the choice.

Translation: She's smart, she makes sense, and she's actually still in the music business. What a nice change from you-know-who!

Previously:
How To Audition for American Idol
Five More "Live" Broadcasts That Really Aren't (On the West Coast, Anyway)

How To Audition for "American Idol"

Ben Kallen — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 20:00:00 GMT

Okay, so American Idol has just announced that its auditions for next season will start in July. But while pretty much anyone in the right age range can try out, it takes a lot to do it successfully... even just to pass the first hurdle and be selected to go on camera in front of Simon, Randy and Paula. Well, we're no experts, but we do watch the show on TV. So we feel as qualified as anyone to offer the following advice to you would-be Kellys, Davids and Sanjayas out there:

Come prepared. There's a lot of waiting around before Idol auditions, much of it outside in harsh weather conditions. And yet when you're called before the producers, you'll be expected to look as fresh as if you just walked in from a climate-controlled limo parked in front. Bring water, food, folding chairs, blankets, sunscreen, entertainment, friends -- everything you'll need to sit around for hours on end without getting grumpy.

Look hot. Idol will give a chance to great-looking people who sing okay, or great singers who look as if they need a makeover. What they won't accept is okay singers with mediocre looks. If you're sexy, dress sexy; if you're sweet, dress sweet. If you're a guy, dress casual-hip and be well groomed. Unless you have an Aretha high note or a Clay Aiken croon, it helps a lot to be potential eye candy for Simon and/or Paula.

Have a story. Idol loves interesting back-stories, especially ones about overcoming hardship. Living through a disaster, growing up poor or surviving a serious health condition are all gold where the producers are concerned. (If you look good and sing okay, they may also accept growing up on a farm in a tiny town, having a relative in the military, or being a young parent.) Don't make up a story, but if you've got one, use it -- you're much more likely to make it past the early judges to the big show. (On the other hand, if the producers decide your story is that you've become instant friends with the nerdy, overweight guy standing in line next to you, you're doomed.)

Have personality. This doesn't mean big and show-bizzy -- it means be nice, friendly and energetic. Look the producers in the eye and talk to them. Be confident, even if you don't feel it. Smile like you mean it. If you're the least bit shy, they know Simon will say you're "boring" and send you on your way.

Pick a great song. Have friends -- or, if possible, a professional musician or singing coach -- help you pick a catchy, preferably modern song that works well with your voice. Practice it forever, to the point where you can't screw it up even when you're nervous. And have another couple of songs prepared as well, in case someone wants to hear "a different side" of you. (If you do an old hit by Frank Sinatra or Janis Joplin, they may put you through as a novelty -- or they may just send you home.)

Be a great singer. It helps to take lessons and practice a lot, but also requires natural talent. Sorry.

If you're going to suck, suck big. Hey, maybe you have no talent and you know it -- you just want to get on TV. (Yes, we know how many of you are out there.) These days, you can't just be bad; the Idol producers have seen that all before. You need to be monumentally bad -- with weird clothes, an oddball personality, and, of course, a fierce, unshakable conviction that you're actually the greatest singer in the known universe. If you can fit looking funny, dancing poorly, singing horrendously and pitching a great big tantrum all into 30 seconds, they'll play your segment over and over for months to come. Hey, you asked for it.

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

Happy Birthday, Paula Abdul!

Bryan Christian — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 12:38:00 GMT

We hope it's a "wild party" where ever you are on this, your special day. Happy 45, darling!