The Remote Island : Rock of Love

Collision Course: "Rock of Love Bus" Drives Adult Entertainment Into the Mainstream

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 04:01:00 GMT

By Steve Almond

During an early episode of Rock of Love Bus (RoLB), the latest installment of VH1’s reality-TV franchise, the former Poison front man Bret Michaels takes four of his prospective soul mates on a "special date" — to a strip club called Big Al’s.

The girls are hooted onstage to perform, but one of them, Beverly, refuses to shake her moneymaker for the assembled mob. A confused Bret takes Beverly aside to find out what’s wrong. "I’ve got three kids at home and honestly I’m worried about what their friends are going to see," she tells him.

As the father of two daughters, Bret assures Beverly that he understands. To the TV audience, he takes a slightly different tack. "I’m not asking her to do anything she doesn’t wanna do," he explains earnestly, "but right now, I gotta be honest: she’s being a little bit of a buzz kill."

Those unfamiliar with the charms of RoLB — whose finale airs this Sunday, April 11, on VH1 — might expect this to be the moral nadir of the episode. They would be wrong.

A few minutes later, we are treated to an interview with another of his dates, a troubled soul named Brittaney. "I’m not ashamed that I was a producer and director of porn. What I did was, you know, empower women," she informs us, apropos of nothing. "It’s not that I’m ashamed of my past," she adds, her voice now cracking. "But it’s in the past and now I’m a different person. I want to have a family."

The images being flashed on-screen during this heartfelt confession include a drunken Brittaney writhing on her back and simulating sex acts with another stripper. Ah, the rituals of courtship on VH1! You must expose your heart and your labia.

But I bring all this up not simply to deride the molten and shameless exploitation of the reality-TV genre. That's pretty much its bread and butter. No, what fascinates me about this season's RoLB is that it has shattered the barrier between mainstream television and the porn industry.

I should preface this by noting that I've watched all three editions of Rock of Love, online no less. (I could blame this on my wife, who watches the program religiously. The truth, as we shall see, is more damning.)

Some quick context, then. The inaugural season of Rock of Love offered the sort-of-believable-for-reality-TV premise that Bret Michaels — one-time heavy metal heartthrob turned middle-aged hair-extender — was looking for true love. VH1 rounded up twenty-five women, put them in a mansion with free booze, and let the cameras roll. Back in those innocent days, the "bad girl" was Heather — a professional stripper! She lost out in the end to designated "good girl" Jess.

This is how the producers tend to orchestrate things on RoL. They set up showdowns between "good girls" (who don't work in the sex industry) and "bad girls" (who do). Bret chooses the "good girl" in the end, which helps foster the illusion — so crucial to the entire reality-TV genre — that the star is truly seeking love, rather than pimping a sagging career.

This illusion has been tossed out the window on RoLB. Bret mouths a few platitudes about "getting to know" the girls, as he kisses and gropes and beds them. But there's no real feeling on the show. It is, in this sense, eerily like a porn film. This should come as no great surprise, given that nearly half of this season's cast are sex workers. Here's how sad it is: when the insufferable Taya claims, "I'm a centerfold model for Penthouse, and I'm the classiest one here," she's right.

Of course, shows like RoL are designed to bring out the worst in people. But this year's version, lacking even a hint of eroticism, has relied on physical and emotional violence for drama. The highlight of most episodes is a physical altercation between two women, which is replayed a minimum of six times, usually in slow motion. In this sense, the program has managed to channel the dark heart of most hetero porn, which is not about the pleasures of physical congress, but the sexual humiliation of women. RoLB — along with its skeezy brethren — offers viewers the inherent sadism of porn, minus the stigma. Instead of watching young, emotionally unstable women straddling cocks, we watch them digging through dumpsters, writhing in mud, punching each other, and vomiting in hotel rooms. Think of it as spiritual bukkake.

For years, of course, the adult industry has been looking for ways to infiltrate mainstream culture, where the big advertising dollars are. Reality TV has simply proved the best available beachhead. Not only has it become a developmental league for porn stars — several RoL alums have used their platform to venture into porn — but producers have been quick to pounce on ideas that exploit the allure of porn. Perhaps the most brazen example is My Bare Lady, a British show in which four porn stars are given formal training for the stage and forced to compete.

But just as reality TV has embraced the tropes of porn, so, too, has porn sought a reality makeover. Gone are the stilted scripts and nurse costumes. For some years now, porn's been dominated by low-budget "gonzo" productions, in which the idea is to stage sex scenes as if they were being conducted spontaneously by "amateurs" — that guy in the van who just happens to roll with his camera man, and that anorexic chick in the parking lot who just happens to have breasts the size of small babies and no gag reflex. Even the Adult Video News has had to acknowledge the rise of reality porn, by adding two new categories to its annual awards: Best Amateur Tape and Best Amateur Series.

There are two questions looming over all this. The first is why women like my wife watch shows that are so degrading to women. I could tender a bunch of excuses here. (Noting, for instance, that my wife is a former hair-metal chick.) But the truth is a bit darker. I think women are reacting to the pornification of the culture at large, the absurd and enraging pressure women feel to disfigure their bodies — via surgery or starvation — for approval. And the growing sense that their only cultural power resides in their sexuality.

When my wife watches RoLB, most of what she feels is a kind of gratifying disgust. She enjoys watching the contestants claw at each other and weep on camera. They represent the most degraded aspects of our culture — and of herself.

The irony, of course, is that she’s just feeding the beast. As the message boards fill up mostly female viewers railing against the female contestants, it's the producers and advertisers (oh, and Bret of course) who are laughing all the way to the bank. With very little overhead or imagination, and an almost impressive absence of human decency, they've managed to create the hottest girl-on-girl action around.

But what about me, Mr. Judgmental. Why, given my obvious contempt for RoL, do I watch the show? My motivation is even sadder, frankly. It’s certainly not for the sexual turn-on. No, what I get off on is the fantasy of absolute masculine dominion. Lame as he might be, Bret Michaels has a harem of women who will do whatever he asks.

Reality TV producers like to claim that they’re peddling the dream of "true love." But for male viewers, they’re peddling the ultimate porno fairytale, a world in which women exist merely to debase themselves for their man. If they had any guts they’d cut the bullshit and just go all the way. Here’s what I’d like to see: a show called "American Porn Star," in which women (and men!) compete for a contract with Vivid Video by performing sex acts for celebrity judges and viewers at home. I might feel guilty watching such a show, but at least I’d be getting off on sex, rather than hate.

Previously:

Raven Williams of "Rock of Love": So What, I did a Porno
STD Sunday: The "Rock of Love" Final Four Are Boring And Weird
STD Sunday: Reunions, Punches, and Loogies!
STD Sunday: A Baked Vagina Is Just The Icing On The Cake
STD Sunday: Bret's Girls Can't Stop Being Slutty, Whorish, Or Speed Bumpy
Rock of Love 2's Daisy: Sore Loser, Hot Mess
Rock of Love 3: Get On the Rock of Love Bus
Bret Michaels Not Involved in Fatal Car Crash -- Just So Everyone's Clear
Bret Michaels Wonders How The Hell You Wear A Seatbelt In A Hot Tub

"Rock of Love" Contestant Suing Sharon Osbourne For Assault

Lindy Parker — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 20:15:00 GMT

You just know, the second Sharon Osbourne dumped her drink on Megan Houserman during the Charm School reunion special by the hair, that silly wretch had dollar signs in her eyes. Let's witness that moment again, shall we?

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

Let it never be said that Sharon Osbourne doesn't stand by her man. Apparently, Megan Houserman is now suing for "battery, negligence, infliction of emotional distress and claims" (Us Magazine) that resulted from Lady Sharon's mighty hairpull. In a sick way we kind of wish this would go to trial and be televised like the OJ case. How about just Judge Judy?

Previously:
Sharon Osbourne Is So Full of Charm She's Attacking Reality Show Contestants

Raven Williams of "Rock of Love": So What, I did a Porno

Jake Kalish — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 13:29:00 GMT

Yesterday, Raven Williams of Rock of Love and now Rock of Love: Charm School admitted in her VH1 blog today that she has done porn - and she's coming out swinging. (Not like "the lifestyle" swinging, the other way.)

After the jump, her blog post, in its entirety, entitled "So What I did a Porno Movie (I did Three)" It. Is. Amazing.

"To all of you pent up, uptight, rigidly moralistic, puritanical, sexist a**holes out there, listen up The economy is failing, we've been living off of a non-monetary based economy designed to enslave us for centuries, and the North American Union is on it's way to eradicationg our nation's boundaries, yet all of you puritanical Jacka*** are worried abot me sticking a guy's d**k in my mouth! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! There are more important issues at stake and your worried about me sticking some dude's d**k in my mouth! So what, as long as it's CONSENSUAL (it's your puritanical mindsets that are also dually responsible for rape and sexism in our soicety too). People stick people's d**ks in their mouths everyday. I am a sexually assertive female and if I could get paid for it, awesome! Hell, I'm proud of that porno and I even did three others, including BDSM. As a matter of fact, here's the link: www.boundnteased.com. and yes that's me, my image is there. I find it so stupifyingly sad and dejecting that Americans in general have become so zombified that issues like who are your state senators and the fact that our civil liberties are being taken away by the patriot act are of less importance than my sticking a guy's d**k in mouth. Big f***** deal, so what. You need to be ashamed that you are playing mindless, warped zombies for the New World Order by giving more attention to something that brought all of us into the world rather than something that will enslave and cease all liberties as we know it! WAKE UP YOU MINDLESS ROBOTS AND LOOK AT THE REAL ISSUES! Thank you."

We've been living off a non-monetary based economy designed to enslave us? And people stick people's dicks in their mouths everyday? What can this mindless robot do to remedy the situation? Beat off to porn, you say? To that we say: Yes, we can!

- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

Rock of Love 3: Get On the Rock of Love Bus

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 13:32:00 GMT

Nothing airbrushed here, folks…

In utterly shocking news, Rock of Love 2 “winner” Ambre Lake and Bret Michaels didn’t make it work. He’s too busy, see, for a relationship. Touring, and not a fear of intimacy with a woman anywhere near his age, keep him from making a true commitment. But VH1 has found the perfect solution: don’t take Bret away from his madcap, rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle. Bring the ladies to the lifestyle!

And thus we have “Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels.” Because the only thing sexier than fame-whoring VH1 contestants drunk in a McMansion, is fame-whoring VH1 contestants drunk on a tour bus. We can smell it now! And, yes, we’re excited.

“Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels takes contestants out of the mansion and on the road in true rock star style. This season will feature all-new ladies vying for Bret’s affection while traveling across America following Bret on a month-long tour. The contestants will face new challenges to see if they can handle the rock star life on the road,” explains the VH1 press release.

“This time as the bus pulls into each new city, the girls will engage in challenges specifically revolving around Bret’s life on the road. Whether it’s greeting aggressive groupies with a smile, enduring grueling schedules, dodging the advances of the warm-up band or even stepping in last-minute to fill in for delinquent roadies – these girls will be put to the test. This season, as the Rock of Love Bus heads into America’s heartland, the show will be taking the viewer to a whole new level with crazy, fun, over-the-top challenges- imagine Truck Stop Olympics or a dance contest on top of the St. Louis Arch or even a BBQ cook-off beneath the World’s Largest Thermometer. And also, back by popular demand…Mud Bowl 3. Americana at it’s finest!”

Indeed.

Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels is scheduled to premiere in early 2009. Get your bandanas ready!

Previously:
Rock of Love 2's Daisy: Sore Loser, Hot Mess

Make The Founding Fathers Proud; Watch VH1's "I Love Money"

Bryan Christian — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 17:25:00 GMT

What’s more American than whoring yourself out for money? Doing it a second time!

Vh1’s new celebreality show I Love Money takes the losers from Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, and I Love New York and pits them against each other for the love of 250,000 sweaty samoleans.

You may be wondering if it's really "celebreality" if it’s just reality TV stars? Well, we're here to tell you: these are some hardcore reality tv stars-slash-total whores. Pumkin, for example, has not only been on Flavor of Love and its spin-off Charm School, but also had sex on Blind Date. Brandi C (Rock of Love), the little darling, has shot a porno. And if Frank, (“The Entertainer” of I Love New York) wins the cash, the thirty-something plans to move out of his parents’ basement. Dreams can come true, y'all!

Vh1 is premiering I Love Money July 6th, this Sunday, but in the meantime they are running the I Love Money Casting Special not once, but twice today on America’s birthday. We don't have 250 grand or anything, but our money says it's gonna be superslutty.

-- Meghan Pleticha

Rock of Love 2's Daisy: Sore Loser, Hot Mess

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Oh, Daisy de la Hoya. Booted off Rock of Love 2 and still causing trouble. TMZ’s always-classy cameras caught the young, um, “star” and a friend outside a nightclub. When asked if Brett was still dating Rock of Love winner Ambre, Daisy seemed to say they weren’t. Or they were. Or she doesn’t quite remember who Ambre is...

But in this video she did say she and Brett had been hanging out recently, and “we weren’t talking.” (Then again, who would want to talk with her, anyway?) Um, scandal? If you care? See the enlightening video here.

[TV Squad and TMZ]